Appearance Myth #2: It shouldn't matter how I look

This is the other side of the coin: Guys are wired visually.  They are attracted to girls’ forms.  It is very difficult for girls to relate to this because, generally speaking, they aren’t AS attracted to purely physical things.  Of course, a good looking guy is great, but most girls are into “specific” guys.  Few girls like staring at men’s legs.  It’s almost funny to think about.  But the opposite is absolutely true. 

So, what you wear does make an impact on the guys around you.  Something that might, to you, seem cute or trendy, might very well be a turn on to some guys.  Is that bad?  No.  It just is reality.  There was a time when guys were attracted to a “well-turned ankle” because that was the only part of a woman’s body that was exposed in public.  I think it is just good for girls to be aware of what typical male nature is like.  They like the female form and more skin or curves will be noticed by them. 

So, what should you do about it?  Well, first of all, accept that you are a young woman.  God made you feminine.  Some girls get afraid of guys’ attractions so much that they hide their femininity.  You don’t need to do this.  There’s nothing shameful about expressing your femininity.  On the other hand, you are not required to show it off in ways that make you uncomfortable.  Don’t let fashion tell you what to do. 

Is it okay to show off your femininity?  Yes, but be aware of what you’re doing.  There are times and places to make yourself more noticeable.  You may want to attract someone.  But be aware that you will get more attention, even from those you might not want it from.  Again, I’m not making judgments here.  It’s just good to understand the reality of how guys are. 

Again, you are not responsible for guys’ reactions, no matter how attractive you dress.  They can control themselves.  Yet, do be aware that guys are what they are. 

Appearance Myth #1: Men can't control themselves

Not long ago I read the prequel to a book that we read later in the school year called The Prisoner of Zenda.  It’s called The Heart of Princess Osra.  Basically, every chapter follows the life of a different man who falls in love with Princess Osra.  Every one of them either must leave the country or die because her beauty has driven them mad with love.  In one case a man, who has disguised himself as a soldier to get close to her, ultimately decides to kill the princess so that honest men will no longer suffer because of her beauty.  He, of course, can’t do it, but instead dies to protect the Princess.  After this Osra asks the King to make her a nun so “that she might trouble honest men no more.”

This is an entertaining story to read, but is a pack of lies for girls.  Let me address five myths:

Myth #1: Men can’t control themselves.

Bull.  There are men who don’t control themselves, but that’s true of anyone, right?  What you wear, or how you look, doesn’t make a guy do anything.  In the Christian world we talk about girls causing guys “to stumble” by wearing clothing that might cause them to lust.  Girls don’t cause this.  This is important because lots of girls feel ashamed of themselves when they have been violated (physically or verbally or by text etc.) by a guy.  There is part of them that feels like they caused it or “asked” for it.  I’d like to drive 100mph on the highway because it would be a thrill, but I choose not to do it.  But, if I did, and got a ticket, I can’t say “movies with chase scenes” made me do it.  If a guy blamed you for a violation of his, he is lying. 

In the next post I'll address the next myth: It doesn’t matter what I wear or how I look.

How to find love

It seems that about 90% of songs, movies, or books are about finding love.  Even Disney's Frozen,
while being unique in that a sibling relationship was the focus of the film, still had a romantic love story running through it.

So, how do you find love?

There are a lot of practical tips to give, but I want to give one that you probably won't find in Teen Magazine.

To find love, make sure that you are loved.

Huh?

Yeah.  Sounds weird, right?

Here's the deal: if you see yourself as an empty cup that some future boyfriend or girlfriend will fill up with love there will be two problems:
1. They'll eventually fail you (humans have a tendency to do that :)
2. You will have expectations of them that they won't be able to fill in the long run.

In both cases, you end up a half-full or even an empty cup.

But what if you already felt loved?  What if, being securely loved already by someone else, you could then enjoy a relationship with someone without expecting them to be your 'all in all' or to 'make' you happy?

One of the ancient Psalm writers wrote, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."  Another of the Psalmists wrote, "Find rest, O my soul, in God alone.  My hope comes from him."

Do you truly believe you are loved by God?  Do you believe He loves you, not just your accomplishments?  Do you believe He thinks about you, even when you're not in church?  Do you believe He really cares about your daily life, your struggles, your joys, the things that make you laugh, and the things that get under your skin?

The cross was not just about forgiveness.  It was also about making a very clear statement to each of us individually, that He is willing to do whatever it takes to bridge the gap between us and Him.

If you can truly trust and live inside of the Father's love and affection, you will find that you don't have to be so desperate about getting a boyfriend or girlfriend.

But also, when you do get one, the pressure is off: He doesn't need to make you happy.  She doesn't need to make you worthy.  You're already loved.  Now you can enjoy simply blessing the other person and bringing extra joy to their life.

Plus, you also have the peace knowing that if you come to the conclusion that you aren't meant for each other, you can break up, and still have peace and love in your heart, despite the pain and hurt that naturally comes from breaking up.

So, how do you find love?  The first place, I believe, is to fill your cup with His love first.

Longing to feel okay

Don't you hate that feeling?
The one where you feel like crap.
The one where you wonder why anyone would like you.
The one where you seem like such a screw up.
The one where it seems like you're not good enough for anyone.

I hate it too.
But I used to feel it a lot more often.  In fact, these days it's pretty rare for me.

Check out the following quote I heard on a podcast recently:

The moment your well-being is hinged to another person's response, you will manipulate them.

To manipulate is to try and make someone else do something by pressuring or tricking them.  Most of us wouldn't manipulate to get money, but we do when we need to feel okay.

We pressure, we threaten, we cry, we yell, we give the silent treatment, we ignore-whatever it takes to get someone's attention that we really crave.  And we crave it because we cannot feel good about ourselves without it.

When God gave the commandment: "You shall not have any other gods before me" he was not being self-absorbed.  He was being smart...for our sake.

You see, when we stake our well-being in anybody we are setting that person up as a god, as our source of meaning.  Naturally, they can never completely come through when we need it, so we then get mad and manipulate them to get what we want from them.  In the process, in the long term, we slowly deteriorate the relationship.

But when, as David said, "My soul finds rest in God alone" (Psalm 62), then we can live without manipulation, because as we learn to rest our souls in God, we are free to enjoy people without needing them to make us happy.

Sexual humor-is it okay?

What's okay to say to someone?  What is okay for someone to say to you?

It's less and less clear for many of us.

Not long ago, my wife Beth and I were at an event where we met and talked with a couple that we didn't know.  They were totally fun to talk to, but there were a few moments that bothered me.  A couple times the guy made humorous sexual comments.  In one case my wife said something random and the guy jokingly took it in a sexual direction.  Admittedly, it was funny and we all chuckled.

The comments were purely in jest and weren't personal, but still, I thought, why does this guy think making sexual comments around my wife is okay?  (not to mention the fact that his girlfriend was there as well).

Now, I'll be honest, the way my wife worded what she said was accidentally funny because it sounded like a double entendre (a simple phrase that can be misconstrued sexually).  But here's the difference: I didn't say it out loud, but the other guy did.

Sexual humor is funny.  As a married person it is something that can become a fun, flirty part of your relationship with your spouse.  But wisdom has taught me: you must be careful about it.  When in mixed company (guys and girls), it's just, well, inappropriate.  I know, it's such a 'teacher'/'parent' word.  But I use it because, honestly, it has an appropriate time.  We all laugh about things that make us uncomfortable.  It's part of life.  The question is: when is it inappropriate?

If you're a guy, I get it: our sex drives are a very, very powerful part of our makeup.  That's not bad.  Our Father designed us that way.  We are more likely to joke sexually because it's on our minds a lot!  However, girls are different.  They experience their sexual side in a very different way and making sexual jokes will not (did you hear? NOT) be a turn on to them.

Sexually-laced texts and comments about their bodies in texts will not be taken romantically.  Let me put it straight-forward: it's wrong.  It makes girls feel unsafe, even violated.

If you want to communicate you're attracted to a girl, do what girls like (not necessarily what you as a

guy would like): be sweet, ask questions, encourage her, be funny, open up to her, compliment her.

Even if you're not attracted to a girl you're around it is still inappropriate to make sexual jokes.  She's still a woman and should be respected.

If you're a girl, first, it's important to recognize that most guys are not 'perverts'.  God made the male sex drive quite prominent in their thoughts.  They have to learn to hold back those thoughts and actions.  Most guys learn this through good parenting, role models, and spiritual growth, but not always.

On the other hand, you don't have to act like you like sexual comments or jokes.  In fact, it would be ideal for you to say you don't appreciate them upfront if a guy starts doing it.  I know that is hard to do socially, though.  If nothing else, ignore them or drop subtle hints of disapproval through facial expressions or comments.  You're a lady, and you deserve to be treated like one no matter what your age.

I think the above is true whether you are a Jesus follower or not, but even more so, for those of us who follow Christ, we want to act, as Paul once put it, "above reproach."  Men and women are different-that's a beautiful thing-but let's respect it too.

Why are you here? Part 4

….Then came a fateful day:

I walked into chapel on a Tuesday in November planning to sleep, or at least act like I was sleeping.  I had the seat at the top of the bleachers where you could lean in and ‘rest.’  I figured that yet another pastor or teacher would drone on.  However, it was one of the guys I had been hanging out with on the weekend that was speaking that day.  Crazy!  Wait a minute, I thought.  He’s funny!  Why would he be talking about God?  He gave a simple message that day: live for God.  Live for God every day.   Something burned in my heart.  I’m not making that part up.  Seriously, I physically felt a yearning in my soul to have that kind of purpose.  I really believe God was calling my soul. 

 

That evening, in my room, I knelt and asked God to begin working in my life like he had been in my friend’s.  I had finally found something worth living for.   I found purpose.  My soul had found what it was meant for: to connect to my Creator and to live for His glory.  What does that mean?  Well, I hope that is a part of what comes out on these blogs.  The key for me was that, instead of God being a part of my life that I pulled out for special occasions and Sunday mornings, He became my whole life. 

So, why are you here?  Like any really worthwhile thing in life, you can’t answer it with one sentence.  Worthwhile things are too complex for that.  But I’d suggest that real, exciting, meaningful life begins here: connecting personally with the Father. 

Why are you here? Part 3

I was a freshman at LW in 1990.  Yes, I went to LW.  Weird, I know.  I grew up going to church and went to a Christian grade school.  I believed in God and even had moments of ‘I dig God,’ but something struck me on a Tuesday in November of that year. 

I was pretty stoked (how’s that for a ‘90s terms!) about high school because it was so different from grade school.  Teachers weren't harping on you for every little thing and there were so many new people!  In particular, I had made friends with a few upperclassmen and that was a major thrill!  I danced for the first time at a dance (what a concept!), actually liked some of my classes, and best of all, I started to go out on the weekend with friends. 

 

It was about this time that I began being really conscious of how I felt about myself and my life.  Maybe when I was younger I just didn’t think about it.  But, now, with all this exciting stuff happening I knew that I could feel good about myself when I had had a good time.  Going out with my upperclassmen friends on the weekend was a huge part of whether I could feel good or not. 

It was pretty shaky ground to base my life upon, however.  Arguments with parents, criticism, a boring weekend, getting dumped, all of these made me feel crummy and depressed.  Still, most of the time, I was in good spirits.  Then came a fateful day.

Why are you here? Part 2

Ok, so we addressed the survival element last time.  There’s got to be more to going to school than that.  Why are you here?

First, why ask?  So, let’s say you’re going to catch a plane in a few days.  Imagine how hard it would be to pack if you didn’t know where you were going.  Outside of that, think of how it would affect how you feel too.  There would be a big difference between finding out that you were going to a funeral versus going to Myrtle Beach.

Ok, yeah, I know most are saying “I’m at LW because my parents are sending me here.”  Ok, fine, we all have to deal with the fact that we don’t have control over everything.  Like it or not, you’re here.  Now start dreaming.  Yes, dreaming.  School is an opportunity.  Most of the world envies the chances you have.  This is the point where most people start thinking about careers.  That’s what school is for right?

This is where I’d say: we need to go higher.  We need to go from “Why are you here (at LW)?” to “Why are you here (at all)?”  I believe that our life experience is entirely affected by what we believe to be the answer to this question.  I’ll let you ponder that one until next time.

Why Are You Here? Part 1

Why are you here?  It’s a question worth asking in anything you get involved with.  Could it be that God has you here at Lutheran West on purpose?  My guess is: yes. 

So, high school.  What do you want from it?  Ask yourself that question.  Don’t worry about what you’re supposed to say.  What do YOU want? 

Let’s start from the ground floor.  There is a survival element going on.  You may simply want someone to eat lunch with you or say hi to you.  Some of you came in with friends, some have none, but even if you know people, you may not have them in every class.  In this area, you need two things: patience and guts.  It will take you time to get comfortable.  You could look at this as a nerve-wracking tragedy or…you could see it as an adventure.  You’re going on the ride either way so you might as well find joy in it.  Either way, in time you, yes you, will actually have a table to sit at in the lunchroom and will have people to say hi to in less time than you expect. 

But you also need guts.  I’m an introvert, so I know this is hard, but look o u t w a r d.  Instead of waiting for someone to invite you to sit next to them in a class or at lunch, why don’t you do the asking?  At the end of class ask someone what the homework was again (even if you already know!).  Say hi to that upper classman who has a locker next to you.  If they grunt, oh well.  20 bucks says that next time they’ll respond.  When you step toward people you are saying to them “I care about more than myself.”  People will feel drawn to you and feel comfortable with you and, go figure, you’ll get the friends you were looking for.

BTW, I know this is majorly difficult for you if you consider yourself “quiet.”  Do it anyway.  You don’t have to be the life of the party.  You just have to make some “first move” gestures. 

Consider this:  You’re doing more here than just getting comfy.  You’re becoming more like Christ.  Paul wrote in one of his letters : “Don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves.  Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.” Philippians 2: 3-4.

Should America Be the World's Policeman?

Today is Patriot Day.  I honestly didn't know that.  I saw it on my planner.  So, I looked it up and discovered that Patriot Day is a day of remembrance for the over 2000 people who died as a result of the Islamic, Jihadist attacks on September 11th, 2001.

I remember that for a short while after these attacks, our country rallied together and truly believed we had a duty to defend, not only ourselves, but also to intentionally protect and foster freedom around the globe.  What other country in history has done this?

Of course, it didn't take long before people started saying again, "The US shouldn't be the world's policeman"

In this video, Pulitzer Prize winner Bret Stephens argues the opposite.  In true Patriot spirit, he believes that there is a very, very good reason for the US to be the "world's policeman."

How to Be Happy

Here is a great talk from nationally syndicated talk show host Dennis Prager to a high school on how to actually be happy.