Top Teen Topics 3: Pressure

The most common topic to come up in my survey of "What are the issues on the minds of 14-15 year olds" was feeling pressure about grades.
 
I felt them too.  To this day, I remember getting my first B.  When I brought my report card home to my parents, I wasn't praised for the 4 or 5 As, I was asked, "Why did you get a B?"  That stuck with me a long time. 

There is a lot of pressure to be smart these days.  It goes all the way back to babyhood!  Did you ever watch those "Baby Einstein" videos growing up?  The premise behind these was that they would make babies smarter.
 
There was also a movement that encouraged pregnant parents to play classical

music to their kids in utero believing that it would stimulate brain waves!
 
No wonder there's so much pressure on kids to achieve grand academics.  Our society seems to think that intelligence will provide you the best life.
 
I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that this is an ideological lie. 
 
  People within the Pharisee-driven Judaism of the first century lived in a framework that said, "If you follow all the kosher rules, you can have standing before God and people."  Since the people lived in that ideology they didn't think it existed...it just was.  Jesus helped people see the ideology and that they could, and needed to, rebel against it. 

Jesus fought an ideological lie.
 
He hit this so clearly when he told a parable of a tax collector (someone not following the right rules) and a Pharisee (the assumed good guy).  In the end, it is the loser who gets honest with Father that goes home justified, not the guy who tries to act like he follows God even though his heart looks down on others.
 
Many young people today live in an ideology they don't know exists that says: intelligence is the gateway to the best, most meaningful life. 
 
Let's play a game.  Guess the answer to the following questions.
 
I have 5 daughters.  If I had to choose, would I want them to:

have a good degree or a good marriage?

graduate at the top of their class or be a good friend?

get all As or learn how to play a musical instrument?

be CEO of a successful company or raise loving children?

get a PhD or be an honest person?

go to an Ivy League college or feel loved by God?

make six-figures a year at their job or have a healthy, meaningful marriage?
 
I think the answers are pretty obvious right?  That's because you just saw through the ideological lie.  Intelligence, academic achievement, and book smarts do not necessarily make for meaningful lives.  What does, then?  Becoming a person of character, authenticity, and, finally learning how to love and be loved, or, in other words, studying relationships. 
 
If we set our sights on the long-term, we would see what truly makes a meaningful life.  And, if we believe that, we might focus our efforts in very different directions. 
 
But, alas, I leave you with a problem.  You may live inside a family or situation that pressures you to honor the lie.  This is where you may have to begin the massive, tremendously difficult part of life: to choose what's right even if you face opposition.
 

Top Teen Topics 2: Bullying

 

Another topic that came up several times from my informal survey of what is on the minds of 14-15 year olds was bullying.  Some people called it being judged.  I stumbled upon this video and thought it was powerful.  I don't know much about this guy named Principal Kafele, but he speaks some great truth here. 
He frames the issue of bullying as a struggle for power and who has it.  "Don't give them power that they don't deserve."  Insightful.

Top Teen Topics: Appearance #2

I love the Bible for many reasons, but one is because, despite what so many of us think, it is a very realistic book.  It doesn’t fit into easy holes, and the subject of appearance is great example. 

True or False: Appearance doesn’t matter.

If you read The Song of Solomon in the Bible, you find a book of romantic, even erotic poetry.  Two lovers meet and praise each other.  They do not spend their time speaking of the other’s wonderful personality traits.  Instead, they praise each other’s appearance over and over again. (It interesting to note that what attracts, changes per person, per culture, per time frame.  For example, the man praises his wife’s round tummy and her teeth!). 

Now, this is not the whole story, of course.  The same author, Solomon, later writes in Proverbs 31 of a woman he considers beyond compare.  There he describes her accomplishments and character, not her looks. 

Just like the Bible, we all know it is both.  An attractive, but self-absorbed person is fun to flirt with, but not marry.  Yet without some attention to one’s appearance, the opposite sex may not be curious to know about a person’s character.

Yet, again, here is Father’s wisdom.  In one of the most striking statements in regards to our looks, He says this, “The Lord does not look at the things people look at.  People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7). 

This comes from a section where they are trying to choose the next king of Israel and all of David’s brothers fit a more “kingly” look: bigger, stronger, tougher, taller.  Yet, little David, the young kid is the one God chooses, because of his heart.

Let’s not assume that God is saying “things people look at” are wrong.  He designed us to like the look of people.  He’s not saying we should ignore looks.  He’s saying He, God, is different.  He does not judge, nor reckon VALUE based on appearance. 

And this is a challenge to us: to strive not to judge people’s value based on appearances.  I don’t know if it works the same for girls, but as a guy, and guys are strongly visual, it is natural in a group to want to associate with the more attractive people, but that implies that they are more valuable. 

Now usually, I would say that a difference is in romantic attraction, yet, sometimes we need to be careful there too.  Many people were not attracted initially to someone, but found themselves attracted AFTER they got to know someone.  It’s weird how it works, but it actually happens a lot in life. 

I feel like this post goes so many ways, but, again, that is the beauty of real life, versus fake life: it is complex. 

If you’re interested in more on this subject, I wrote about it here and here and here and here.

Top Teen Topics 1: Appearance

I asked one of my classes: "What are the biggest issues on the minds of teens your age (14-15)?"  I thought I'd hit each one in the next few posts.

One that came up frequently was: appearance.

There are so many reasons for our looks to be a source of angst.  Why?

We know people (including us!) judge others by their looks.

We know looks play a role in getting a date.

We know looks can get you in and out of friend circles.

Most of us have been embarrassed at one time or another by our looks.

Wisdom from an old dude:

I have been teaching 14-15 year olds for one and half decades.  I've seen them grow up.  Let me tell you: you will look better with age.  

Scrawny little, squeeky freshmen boys become buff, low-voiced men in a very short amount of time. 

Cute, pony-tailed freshmen girls become beautiful, confident young women.  If you put a freshmen guy or girl next to their 20 year old self, you'd be surprised that they're the same people. 

So, relax.  The acne won't last forever and your body will round out quite well without much effort.  

Body type also has a lot to do with your family DNA.  Some people eat like a vacuum cleaner on chore day but still never top 110.  Others gain weight by just looking at the candy machine.  Look at your family members.  They are your destiny.  If you're not thrilled by that destiny you may have to work at avoiding it.  

There are a lot of ways to look better.  The most prominent is to eat better.  Teens eat a lot, and eat a lot of 'junk food.'  Hey, I like it too, but I've learned to curb it and only eat it occasionally.  Start a regular exercise routine like running, biking, walking, or going to a gym.  I have been running for a long time and have added going to the rec three times a week. 

You know what makes even more of an impression?  Clothes and hair.  I have seen very unattractive skinny people and very impressive-looking heavier people, all because of their wardrobe and hair.  

Celebrities, if you've ever seen them without makeup and so on, look surprisingly like normal people you see everyday.  It's all how they're 'done up' that makes them seem so amazing (oh, and having million-dollar hair stylists and designers that want you to showcase their clothes doesn't hurt).  

You don't have to be famous to have style.  If you grew up in a family that doesn't tend to value style (and that's okay!) you may need to ask a friend what would look good on you, save up some money, and go shop or get a new doo.  Sometimes it just takes a risk to buy something trendier than you're used to.  Try it out.  Explore what makes you feel good about your looks.

I must tell you that I had very little sense of style as a teen and young 20-something, and my wife still fell in love with me!  She taught me all about style after the fact so now I like how I look much better than I did when I was younger (even though I have less hair!).

Here are some lingering questions:

Is it really a big deal, though, how you look?

When does it go too far?

I'm just getting started, so I'll hit those soon.    

Dirty Fingernails

I liked this quote from Nadia Bolz-Weber in her book Pastrix:

Resurrection never feels like being made clean and nice and pious like in those Easter pictures.  I
would have never agreed to work for God if I had believed God was interesting in trying to make me nice or even good.  Instead, what I subconsciously knew, even back then, was that God was never about making me spiffy; God was about making me new.

"It happens to all of us," I concluded that Easter Sunday morning.  "God simply keeps reaching down into the dirt of humanity and resurrecting us from the graves we dig for ourselves through our violence, our lies, our selfishness, our arrogance, and our addictions.  And God keeps loving us back to life over and over."

There are times when I hear my name, turn, and recognize Jesus.  There are times when faith feels like a friendship with God.  But there are many other times when it feels more adversarial or even vacant.  Yet none of that matters in the end.  How we feel about Jesus or how close we feel to God is meaningless next to how God acts upon us.  How God indeed enters into our messy lives and loves us through them, whether we want God's help or not.  And how, even after we've experienced some sort of resurrection, it's never perfect or impressive like an Easter bonnet, because, like Jesus, resurrected bodies are always in rough shape.

Response to Megan's Chapel

Sometimes I like to share reactions to chapels and I thought Megan's was to be a good one to do that.  Often my reactions come from feeling that the speaker was somehow inaccurate or incomplete.  Quite honestly, Megan said everything that I often want to say about relationships and some! 

I loved (ha! and that's the topic:) that she balanced both of these views:
1. God loves love
2. Yet, we have to keep it from becoming an idol.

Love is such a profound experience because it's not just fun.  It taps into feeling worth something as a person and feeling desired, wanted, and enjoyed.  These are the same reasons many find hope in God.  They wonder if their life has purpose, if anyone cares about them.  To discover that those things are true is to feel truly l o v e d. 

Love from the opposite sex can seem to fill that need and that makes it easy to worship it.  It's no mistake that many worship songs could be love songs if you just change the pronouns!

Megan went into a lot of great ways to not idolize your love so I won't do that.  Needless to say, there is a beauty in bringing God into your relationship and His dreams be a part of yours.

My favorite part (and there were many, so I'm narrowing down!) was after Megan, rightfully, praised her boyfriend for being a great guy that changed a lot about her, she acknowledged that it is possible that they could break up.  This is key.  She was stating that what she learned about relationships and God was not tied to whether or not she and Robert eventually marry. 

She said that if we ever break up, I still have God.  My relationship with my wife is paramount to my life.  I can't imagine life without her.  Yet, I could lose her or she could lose me to, let's be honest, death.  But, I know that since we both have let ourselves be loved and have grown to love Father, we each could carry on.  We have something to live for that is not the other.  And because of that, we feel free to honestly love each other more.  It's kind of along the lines of the principle that if you let off the pressure you can be more real with each other. 

I also wanted to comment on the idea of going to far emotionally.  It was a really interesting concept.  Alas, I have class, so maybe next time!

It's Good to be Wrong

Man, I hate the feeling of being wrong.  You know when you say the wrong thing to a girl, or you’re so sure that something happened and then found out it didn’t.  Or how about the feeling you get when you receive a test or quiz back and you see all the things that are marked wrong.  It sort of sinks in your gut a bit.  

We tend to laugh at people who got things wrong as well.  Think about how scientific people talk about those in the past who believed the earth was flat or that the sun revolved around the earth.  They’re such dopes, right?! 

I don’t think so.  I’m glad Galileo came around and helped us realize that the earth revolves around the sun.  However, it was smart of people, before that, to make theories like thinking the sun revolved around the earth or that the earth was flat, even though they were wrong.  They took data as they knew it and put ideas together.  Their risk was worth it because it helped us progress in our understanding of the world and, eventually, enabled others (like Galileo) to figure out a better understanding. 

I’m starting to feel this way about God.  I have spent so much time in the past afraid to make choices because I wanted to make sure it was the right thing.  What did God want?  What was the best decision?  How can I keep God from being mad at me?

In college I liked this girl in one of my classes and I went back and forth in prayer for long periods of time about whether it was God’s will for us to date.  

I recall talking to a friend and sharing my dilemma.  His deep, spiritual response was: “Just ask her out, Kurt!”  So, I did.  Guess what?  She had a boyfriend I didn’t know about.  It was a little awkward, but it was fine and now I could move on. 

Our Dad in heaven wants us to be wise, of course, but many times I think He would just say, “Son, go for it” or “Daughter, just do something.  Yeah, you might be wrong in the end, but make your best guess with a heart that trusts Me and make a choice.” 

Many of the most significant things I’ve learned about life, relationships, and God have come from making mistakes.  Had I not made them I might have lived a safer life…but a much less rich one.

Why I Like Sad Movies

I like funny movies the same as the next guy.  But I've got a thing for watching "heavy" movies.  I leave movies like Talladega Nights with a lighter heart and tired cheeks, but I leave movies like Les Miserables, Sunshine Cleaning, or Invictus somehow different.

I used to be a guy that was so big about the rules.  Now, don't get me wrong.  It wasn't all about being nice or being a teacher's pet.  Instead, when I really began following Christ with all my heart, I saw the wisdom in God's ways, as I perceived them, and was proud to live and promote them.  But, they eventually just became more about living rules instead of understanding God's heart.

Then I'd see movies where love had to break rules.  I'm not just talking about romantic love, but love for those who suffer.  Like Les Mis where a girl who is pregnant out of wedlock is desperate for help or in Sunshine Cleaning where the main character is convinced that the best she can do to not be lonely is to carry on an affair with a married man who has no commitment to her.  Then there's Henry Poole Is Here where a man argues vehemently against belief in God, but we find out later that he has a terminal illness that has crushed his hope.

These are all people who did wrong, "unrighteous" things.  Christians are supposed to fight these, argue against these, and vote to stop these...aren't they?  It's no wonder the religious world couldn't appreciate Jesus.  All kinds of sexual deviants, swindlers, and uneducated dopes seemed to pull toward him like old magnets on a fridge.

Somehow, he must have been able to see their souls, their stories, their sufferings.  We mostly sin to
fill a void, an emptiness, and Jesus could see it.  Lives were changed, but not by rules, by love.  Love has a way of calling out the true, noble "us" that is often buried beneath our coping mechanisms.

That perspective, Jesus', is the one that sad movies sometimes give me.  

Elizabeth O'Connor, an author, said that, "We each carry within us the image of God the Creator; we each have the task of making the earth into a fairer, kinder place.  The first step is imagining a better world, and that is most apt to happen when we suffer or look on suffering."

Prisoner of Zenda Chapters 4, 5, 6, 8, 10, 11, 13, 14, 16, 18, 20, 22

For my students: You can listen to the audio tracks by clicking on the arrow.  If you would like to download it to put it on your ipod etc., click on the title (i.e. PoZ Chapter 5).  You will be taken to Soundcloud.com.  There you will see a "download" option.  After you have downloaded it, you can add it to your iTunes library.