Frisbee!!!

Hey, guys,
Here's that old high school movie I was in back in 1993.  Watch for me as the "Thug" toward the end.

Idol?

I really loved Mr. Fenske's chapel message today.  I think it is a challenge to ask ourselves: what would fill this blank?  "Without ____________ I couldn't live." 

I feel that this is a bit more black and white than life is really like, though.  There are many things that I would put in this blank: "Without _____________ I can't imagine living."  There are things that are so much a part of the fabric, the tapestry, that we call our "life."  To pull one strand out is to change the image of that tapestry forever.  Jesus yearns for us to find, give, and receive love, not just with himself, but with others too.  And for that reason, things that go in this blank do not necessarily become idols.

Yet, we ought to be wary of the things that fill that blank.  The things that go there go so close to our heart that they can change us.  That can be wonderful or that can be tragic, or in some cases, pathetic. 

Still, there is a difference between: "Without ________ I couldn't live."  and "Without _________ I can't imagine living."  If we lose things in the first blank, we have lost our 'god.'  Life becomes meaningless and we lose sight of our value to the world around us.  If we lose things in the second blank, we may be destroyed, utterly, yet at the base of all the rubble and when the dust settles we can say, "To Whom shall we go?  You have the words of eternal life." 

Only one thing fits in the first blank.  "Without my Father I couldn't live."  Everything in the depth of our souls knows that this not only fills in the blank, but erases the blank entirely.

Attraction Changes Love?

I really have loved our series in chapel lately.  It’s so refreshing to hear from other students.  Recently, Matt did a fantastic job talking about romantic love, or eros.  He did a great job of hitting an important point that God hit me with many years ago: before I can truly experience love with someone else, I need to find my center in being loved by my Lord.  Like a cup, once I’m filled I can overflow into someone else’s life.  But if I’m trying to constantly get someone else to fill my cup I will always be disappointed and I will always put God-like demands on them.

Yet, there is one thing I wanted to clarify about what was said about romantic love in Tuesday’s chapel.  It was suggested that love changes based on attraction.  If this is true, it’s sad.  Is that all we can hope for?  Is love only about physical attractiveness?  Is love over if I’m not as good-looking as I once was? 

I refuse to play the game (often a religious game) that says looks shouldn’t matter.  That’s not true.  One of my jobs as a spouse is to keep myself looking good for my wife.  That is one way to keep our romance alive, but it is one way.  We are often drawn to someone initially by attraction (often that is physical, but many have been attracted by attributes/characteristics and then found themselves physically attracted after the fact), and attraction remains a force to pull you toward each other.  But if true romance occurs then it becomes so by so many other things: talking, discovering each other’s likes and dislikes, fun shared experiences, openness and honesty, even going through and talking through difficult issues.

All of those things I just mentioned, plus attractiveness, become the means to life-long romance.  When we begin to let some of those things go romance can die.  We stop talking, we stop being open, we stop sharing time together and instead get absorbed in other things (work, other activities, friends, even church and children), and, yes, even letting ourselves go physically.  But age works against attractiveness, so married couples recognize that we need to continue to work at our appearance, and also to recognize that attraction will also be built around the life that we build together. 

You're Not a Pervert-Image

Guys are very aware of image when it comes to noticing girls.  And they tend to have two reactions about this internally.  On one hand it’s a rush that we really like.  A good-looking girl is exciting.  On the other hand, we feel perverted.  Why can I be so entranced by looks? we ask.  In my opinion, most men feel both of these feelings at the same time: desire and shame.  There are many ways that people deal with this conflict, some healthy and some not, but as a believer I think there are some ways to help this. 

When it comes to desire and shame, the first needs management and the second needs understanding.  Let me address shame first.  You are not a pervert for finding girls attractive or ‘hot.’  It’s no wonder that Adam cried out when he first saw Eve.  Proverbs even says that “the way of a man with a maiden” is a wonderful mystery.  The book “Song of Songs” is a testimony to the heart of God validating our desires.  

One comment by Jesus, however, is a curious one: “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’  But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”  Does “lust” mean merely  sexual desire?  If so, we’re all in trouble.  I want to quote a few sources on the subject:

Clarence Jordan, in his commentary on the Sermon on the Mount, points out that Jesus “did not say that everyone who had a sexual impulse was an adulterer at heart.  That would have condemned every normal person.”  Then what is Jesus saying?  Jordan goes on to say, “He was simply saying that there is no difference between the act of adultery and the willingness to commit it.  When a person approves of [committing adultery] and justifies it and then looks lustfully at the opposite sex, that person is an adulterer even though he has not actually engaged in the sexual act.”

One important writer who analyzed the subject of lust quite thoroughly was Lewis B. Smedes, former professor emeritus of theology and ethics at Fuller Theological Seminary.  In his book Sex for Christians he writes “when the sense of excitement conceives a plan to use a person, when attraction turns into scheme, we have crossed beyond erotic excitement into spiritual adultery.”

In other words there is big difference between seeing someone attractive and feeling your senses go “Wow!” and seeing that person and beginning to figure out ways you could get her in bed with you.   In the first case (the “Wow!” one), you may simply move on with your day or you may want to get to know them, possibly even date them.  The second case, however, is when you are beginning ways to take advantage of them sexually and other ways. 

So this leaves us with the question: are there limits to my looking?  I think that’s worth exploring.  How do we honor our own God-given drives, yet treat girls with God-given respect?  I’ll try to address that in some upcoming posts.  I’ll admit, I haven’t figured it all out, but I just believe there have to be better answers than I got from the Christian books I read while growing up.

In the meantime it’s worth checking out this: 1 Thessalonians 4:4-5.  “Each of you should learn to control his own body (or find a wife) in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen do.”  What does that mean, practically, for a follower of Christ today?

BTW: I have no idea why some of my text is black and some white...weird.

 

What Guys Are Looking For-Image

“I need to look like the models and actresses because that’s what guys are looking for.”  There is a lot of pressure on girls when it comes to their image.  The statement above is one that a lot of girls feel and it is often an argument used to criticize the media.  But I want to tell you something: the statement is false.  I’m not talking just about the pressure the girl feels.  I’m talking about this statement: “that’s what guys are looking for.”

Premise #1: You must find your true value and beauty in how God sees you.  The Psalms say that you are fearfully and wonderfully made.  The story of creation says that God made people in his image, male AND female.  Nothing else in the whole galaxy is that way besides people.  The Grand Canyon is awesome, but let’s be honest: it’s a big hole in the ground.  YOU are an image bearer of the God of the universe; the Grand Canyon is not.

The above must be your starting point.  But, let’s be honest, you want to be beautiful in the eyes of a guy too.  If you believe in premise #1, your life does not need to begin and end on some boy’s opinion.  But, still, you want to be found attractive. 

As a man, and one who has known many men, I want to take the pressure off.  We don’t expect a girl to look like models.  We’re smart too and we all know that those women are made up by pricey makeup artists and fashion designers and that images of them are adjusted in Photoshop and video editing programs.  Now, are we attracted?  Yes!  But “attracted” doesn’t mean we want to marry them or anything. 

Real men don’t care (I use that word intentionally) about that smoking hot model.  Real men care about real women.  So, does it not matter how you look?  Yes, it does.  Men, by God’s design and wisdom, are very visual.  They are attracted by sight, but they’re not thinking, I don’t like her because she doesn’t look like Anne Hathaway.  A guy wants a girl to look as attractive as she can make herself.  And each girl is different in how that looks.  Some girls are fancy girls.  They look great with that style.  Some girls are more ‘chill’ types.  Whatever.  Guys are attracted to different types of girls too.  Some love dresses, some love jeans. 

It becomes a question of: how do I want to let my femininity show?  There are different answers to that.  There are also times (in general and/or in times of life) where you may not be interested in trying to attract someone.  That’s okay.  It’s unfortunate that girls feel like they have to look attractive, when quite honestly, they’re not looking to attract anyone at a certain point in their lives. 

So, the point: don’t misunderstand men to the point where you feel imagined pressure from them.  Yes, they’ll oo and ah over popular celebrity women, but they will date, propose to, and marry real-life women that they are attracted to and, even more, that they find to be a woman with a real life, spiritual depth, and character.

What are you wearing?? - Image

Guys deal with image as well, but girls really bear the brunt of it.  They often have to deal with how people view them because of what they wear.  On top of this, as a Christian, it can get more confusing as we blame girls for guys’ problems because of their clothes.  This all makes the teen years of your life more complicated as you are trying to figure out who you are.  For many of us, our clothing styles are often a part of that journey, but because of all these issues, it makes the journey feel more like a deadly obstacle course. 

I came across a blog post by Hugo Schwyzer that I feel spoke well to this.  He’s a Christian guy, a professor, author, youth director, and speaker.  However, he has some really innovative thoughts on lots of issues.  I don’t necessarily agree with all of them.  That being said, I really liked this post.  Here he writes a response to a 16 year old girl who asked him how she can change her wardrobe to avoid having “creepy older guys” hit on her. 

P.S. Guys, I think this is worth reading for us too.  We need to know the challenges that girls face.

Here’s the letter:

Dear Rachel,

I wish that I could offer you specific fashion tips that would guarantee that creepy older guys wouldn’t hit on you. For that matter, I wish I could share with you how to dress in a manner that would assure that your peers wouldn’t frequently judge you, either to your face or behind your back. Unfortunately, I can’t tell you how to ensure those things — because the sad truth is that no matter how you dress, no matter what you wear, you will be perceived by some men as a target for their unwanted advances.

You may have heard people say things like “girls who wear short skirts are asking for ‘it’”. By “it” they may mean anything from rape to crude comments and penetrating stares. But as you may already have noticed, girls aren’t immune from harassment when they’re wearing simple or “modest” garb either. I’ve had plenty of students who’ve been accosted while wearing sweatpants or long dresses. I’ve had Muslim students who chose to wear head coverings, and they’ve been harassed both religiously and sexually. The bottom line is that there’s nothing you can wear that will guarantee respect from others. And the reason is that the root of this problem isn’t skin or clothing, it’s our cultural contempt for women and girls.

Have you noticed the way this works yet? If a girl is thin, she’s accused of being “anorexic”; if her weight is higher than the cruelly restrictive ideal, she’s “fat” and “doesn’t take care of herself” or “has no self-control.” If she wears cute, trendy clothes she “only wants attention” and if she wears sweats and jeans, she “doesn’t make an effort.” If she’s perceived as sexually attractive, and — especially — if she shows her own sexual side, she’s likely to be called a “slut.” If her sexuality and her body are concealed, she’s a “prude.” As you’ve probably figured out, the cards are stacked against you. You cannot win, at least not if you define winning as dressing and behaving in a way likely to win approval (or at least decent respect) from everyone.

The advice I’m going to give may sound clichéd, but it’s important nonetheless: you should dress in a style that makes you comfortable.

Comfort, of course, has many dimensions. There’s physical comfort to consider. A fashion choice that leaves you sweating and itchy on a hot day, or shivering on a cold one, is by definition uncomfortable. When the weather’s warm, wearing more revealing clothing is often as much a matter of comfort rather than style.

Of course, there’s a psychological aspect to comfort, too. The more revealing your clothing (regardless of your reasons for wearing it), the more of your body others can see. It’s important to be honest with yourself about how that makes you feel. Different people have different levels of comfort with having their bodies noticed. That’s a normal variation, and the key thing is to be aware where you are on the spectrum. If your peers or parents urge you to dress in a style that leaves you feeling vulnerable and uncomfortably exposed, you have a right to push back against them. The reverse is true, too.

It’s important too to note that however much skin you are revealing, you are never responsible for another person’s inappropriate behavior. Save for the blind, we are all visual people. We notice each other. There is no right not to be seen. But there is a right not to be stared at with a penetrating gaze of the sort that makes you feel deeply uncomfortable. While it may seem that you get those leers more often when you’re showing more skin, you’ve probably noticed that you get those creepy stares at other times as well. And the key thing you need to know is that men can control their eyes — they really can — and women can control their judgment. Your body is not so powerful that it can drive others to distraction. (And yes, if we’re honest, sometimes we wish that our bodies were that powerful, particularly if it meant drawing the attention of someone to whom we are attracted!) If some men choose to be distracted by you, that is their choice, a decision for which they (not you) are solely responsible. No matter what anyone tells you, you need to remember that.

It is not inconsistent to want to be seen and not be stared at. You know the difference, I suspect, between an “appreciative look” (which can feel very validating) and the “penetrating stare” that leaves you feeling like crawling into a hole. While people are not required to give you the former, it’s not unreasonable to expect them to avoid giving you the latter. It’s also not unreasonable to want guys your age to be interested in you, and want the creepy old ones to leave you alone. Remember, it’s not hypocrisy or naiveté on your part to dress in a way that you hope will get you that positive attention you want without also bringing the negative attention you fear and loathe.

Sometimes, of course, we need other people’s insight and advice. There are little fashion rules that it can be helpful to know (even if only for the sake of breaking them, like the old one about not mixing browns and blacks, or not wearing dark-colored bras under light-colored tops.) Friends and family members may have suggestions for what colors or styles are most flattering to you, and sometimes those suggestions may be helpful. I’m certainly not suggesting you shouldn’t listen to those tips. But I want you to know there’s a world of difference between saying “you know, I think lime green isn’t really your color” and saying “you shouldn’t wear short skirts, because then men will think you’re easy.” The former bit of advice is rooted in an aesthetic truth (aesthetics is a fancy term for the study of what is beautiful or good), the latter in an anxiety that is based on a false assumption about male weakness.

It’s okay to ask, when headed to a new school or a workplace or a party, about the dress code. Few of us want to stand out as totally different from everyone else. Most of us can figure out that what you wear to a birthday party at the water park is different from what you would wear to a funeral service in a church. Dressing for the occasion is part of living in a community with others. But that standard should still have room for a lot of flexibility. A bikini is probably not appropriate at Thanksgiving dinner (unless you’re poolside), but when it comes, say, to school, don’t let anyone tell you that can’t dress up (or down) depending on how you feel.

Here’s a key point: As a father and a teacher and a youth leader and a feminist man who has been around a while (and worked with thousands of young people), I want you to know that while not all men are safe and trustworthy, men’s bad behavior is never, ever, ever, ever, ever “your” fault. Your miniskirt doesn’t cause guys (of any age) to do anything they don’t choose to do (no matter what they say to the contrary). It’s not your job to dress to keep yourself safe from men.

Lastly, let me say that finding your own style is an adventure. It involves a lot of trial, and some not infrequent errors. I promise you, ten or twenty years from now you’ll look at photos of yourself at 16, roll your eyes, and say “What was I wearing? What made me think that looked good?” Despite what some folks tell you, these are not the best years of your life. Not even close. And in terms of your style and your beauty, you aren’t anywhere near your peak. I say that not to belittle you, but to reassure you that you don’t have to get it right yet. You have much more time than you think.

All the very best,

Hugo

Check out a Supermodel! - Image

If God didn’t want us to enjoy the beauty of other people He sure produced a bad design when creating men and women.  Beauty and attractiveness are things that surround us and they are a gift.  Yet, our images are a source of difficulty as well.  How, as believers, and just plain people in general, are we to deal with our feelings about our image as well as the images of others.  These are some things I’d like to explore in a few upcoming posts.

I don’t usually waste my time watching videos on my yahoo news feed, let alone recommending them, but this video is one of the most profound I’ve seen in a while.  I think Russell tackles the complicated issue of image in a way that doesn’t include finger wagging, but still recognizes the inconsistencies that image puts in our lives.

True Believer/True Christian?

When I wrote the post about Coach Bancroft’s chapel message last week, I couldn’t help but recall something that I did in high school that is a mix of funny and sad.  I too had an experience where I went from being a ‘believer’ (I believed in God and Jesus, but it didn’t affect me very much) to becoming, as Coach Bancroft, LW womens soccer coach, put it, a “True Believer” where suddenly my life found its meaning entirely in my relationship with Jesus. 

An interesting thing happened when somehow or another some friends and I got some kind of artsy paint that you could put onto a blank T-shirt.  About a year before this I would have excitedly painted "AC/DC" on a T-shirt.  However, now emblazed on the front alongside a cross, I painted the words: “True Christian.”  Now there was a good side to this as I recognized that previously I would have called myself a Christian, but it had so little real value to me.  Now, it was everything.  Yet, the twist was that as I rejoiced in my newfound faith, I also happily derided other people of faith.

I was quite convinced that scores of people who called themselves Christians were, according to me, not “True Christians” at all.  These people included Catholics, “liberal” Christians, most of the people who went to my church, and pretty much everybody else that didn’t talk exactly like me about their faith experience.  I was pretty much a spiritual snob.

My True Believer transformation was real, but I had to recognize that it was part of God’s journey for me.  Other people’s journeys are different.  So, should we just leave people alone?  No, I think it’s our privilege to help people along on their journey, but we must do so gently, and with a respect for where they’re coming from, where they’ve been, and the different ways God has touched them.  We might even have to help them past some wrong beliefs, just like I needed a friend who helped me see, by the way he spoke and lived his faith, that what I was experiencing was less than what it could truly mean to be a Christ-follower. 

Again, the answer: love.  Jesus said He was giving a new commandment: “Love one another.”  When we love the people around us (listening, being a good friend/sibling/son/daughter, smiling, encouraging, praying, supporting, laughing with) we build trust and allow people to feel safe with us.  As that grows, the Spirit may allow us to have a voice in that life, a voice that can, through sincere love, help someone to take one more step on their journey with the Creator who loves them so much.