Relationship Training 101: love me as I am

As we raise our kids, we realize just how much healthy relationship skills are not natural.

Yet, notice how we spend years in school preparing for a career, but get almost no training in how to have good relationships, particularly romantic and marriage ones.

And, let's be honest, the marriage relationship you will someday have will have an impact on your life far greater than any career ever will.

Now, I know a lot of my readers are teens, but even if you're 15, consider that for some of you, marriage is really only 7 years away (i.e. I got married at 22).

With all that said, let's launch:

Relationship Training 101!

Ok, picture this sexy scene:

My lovely fiancee, sitting next to me in a car, looks over and says, "Have you ever cut your ear hair?"

Excuse me?!

She explained that she would like it if I cut my...ear hair.

Cue my offense.  I made some hurt-filled remark about thinking she should love me as I am!

Oh, how far we've come.  It took years for us both to realize "love me as I am" often means "I don't want to change for you."

What used to be offensive to each other is now actually fun!  We want to do the things that the other finds sexy or just plain nice.  Why?  Because we now WANT to bless the other.

So, Beth has learned to wear heels just for me!  For my recent birthday, we even went clothes shopping for her and she bought cute clothes that I liked.

I've gotten myself working out more because Beth likes to see my muscles more toned.  And, yes...I cut my ear hair regularly!  :)

Each of the above was outside of our norm, but that's one thing love does: it makes you do crazy
things because you want to bless the other.

This whole situation probably doesn't apply much to a casual or an early dating relationship, but in one that has gone long-term, and of course, in marriage.  It certainly doesn't apply when your significant other is asking something of you that goes against your values or morals.  

Here's the action point: In a long-term relationship, you've got to take the risk to communicate what you'd like.  Ideally, you have to find some time when you're both relaxed and chatty and lovingly, gently say, "There's something I'd really like and would mean a lot of love to me.  Would you mind if I share it?"  Then, and this is key, say, "And after me, I'd love for you to share some ways I could do somethings you'd like too."

Need to hear from God?

How do you hear from God?

It always seems like wacko people or "professional" church people hear from God.  They have dreams, the say God spoke to them clearly, they see angels, they nearly die and go to heaven (and come back).  The list could go on.

Some of these people say "This is the way God speaks.  Look at the Bible."  Ok, yes, there are some pretty funky things like burning bushes, visionary dreams, and disembodied hands writing on walls. 

But, consider this:

The bible covers 1000s of years of history.  Take all the weird 'God speaking' moments and add them up.  Over the course of 1000s of years, there's not that many.  You'll see that God speaks in these ways for sure, but it's not his usual mode. 

There are many ways to hear from God, for sure, but I want to tell you about one.  This one has been very influential in my life and my wife's.  It's journaling.

You're thinking, "So writing out my feelings on paper is a way to hear God?  Huh?" 

Let me explain.  Before Jesus died and was resurrected, he said he would leave you something: his Holy Spirit.  He said that the Spirit would "remind us of what he said" and "lead us into all truth."  (John 14:26, 16:13)

The Spirit of Jesus lives in you!  And he is a part of your thoughts, insights, and feelings.  When you write out those thoughts over time you can begin to see things pop up.  When I've been writing or when I've looked back at my writing I have often found many answers to questions I've had.  They "just come to me" as I write over time. 

"just come to me" can also be understood: the Spirit is working through my thoughts as I engage him during the process.

Want to hear from God?  Try journaling.

Oh, and there are other ways to do it too.  Some people like to draw their thoughts or feelings.  Some like to take photos that reflect their thoughts and then think on them.  For others it can be just talking out loud to the Lord and processing stuff.  Give it a shot.

David, an evil man after God's own heart? 2

To conclude my part 1 reflections on David's crimes, I wanted to come to terms with why he still seems to be seen as unique.  This is my attempt:

So, what is left to love about David?  How in the world is a he a man after God's own heart?  Is God's heart this black? 

The first, most obvious assumption is that he indeed was a man after God’s heart, but didn’t remain so.  The famous phrase that labels David is given as a predictor of David’s character before he is chosen as a leader.  It was meant to distinguish him from Saul.  One could argue that, as David’s career continued, he didn’t continue to act as a man in tune with the heart of God.

Another answer is that Israel saw him as a man after God's heart because he was so successful in advancing and protecting their land.  This seems like a base compliment for military savvy, but one cannot underestimate the gift this was when you are trying to raise a family in a dangerous culture. 

Still, the statement that he is "after God's heart" is more affective.  It implies an internal state that David possessed that was of inestimable worth.  And I wonder if it is simply that he has an open heart.  This, despite his crimes, makes him different from so many other leader-kings of history.

The first sign of this open heart is that he turned the full torrent of his feelings toward his God.  The many Psalms he wrote attest that David was a man of honesty, not in the sense that he necessarily told others the truth, but that he approached God with his heart on his sleeve.  In this realm, he seemed to throw off propriety and ceremony, and basically, “lets God have it.”  From remorse to joy, from depression to ecstasy, and even onto anger, self-loathing, and hatred, David appears to hide nothing before the Lord.
 

This, to me, reveals something of the heart of God that not even the New Testament does quite as much justice to.  From David we are enjoined to “pour out your hearts before him, for he is our refuge.”  The greatest teaching of the Psalms has nothing to do with doctrine or even praise, in my opinion, but a loud call from the heart of God to us saying, “Come to me, wrestle with me, trust me with your full self!”  This is something that no other writer in the scriptures gives us in such fullness.

The second sign of David’s open heart is his willingness to change course.  Leaders must, by nature, make tough calls, but David, on numerous occasions, shows he is willing to reverse his decision when his heart is touched.

On his way, along with his fighting men, to kill Nabal who, by Scripture’s own admission was a fool, Nabal’s wife pleads a logical and heartfelt case to spare him.  David turns around.  Later, in a similar case, he banishes his rebellious son Absalom from his presence for years, but a common woman appeals to his heart as a parent and David permits Absalom’s return.

The most famous turn around of his life, of course, is seen when Nathan the prophet calls out David’s sin with Bathsheba and Uriah.  It would be par for the course for a King to slaughter a prophet who criticized him, but instead David mourns his own wickedness.

Finally, David, as unimportant as it sounds, has something immeasurably great: affection for God.  This is seen in his desire to build a house for the Lord.  While it might be as misguided a notion as Peter’s desire to build tents for Jesus, Moses, and Elijah on the mount of transfiguration, it does show David’s desire to bless his God.  He appeals to his own feelings, by saying in essence, “How can I live in this great palace when God lives in a tent?  Something’s not right here!”  The fact that he tries to relate to the Lord’s feelings reflects again the depth of David’s affection for God.  This is not a man who just wants to follow religious propriety or shamanism.  He truly loves God.

It is certainly easy to stand over David from such a distance and criticize him.  I live in a much different time, a more stable and safe era, when I can trust the might of my country’s military to protect my suburban home from harm.  I cannot possibly grasp what it was like to live in a largely tribal and uncertain world as existed in the time of King David.

Still, to label someone as a “man after God’s own heart,” one thinks there is something special there, and to find such a man involved in so many horrors, it makes one curious.  My conclusion is not that we absolve him of his crimes, but to look for what about the heart of God was revealed in the narrative and writings of his life.  To me this is the eager desire of God’s heart to welcome our full, unvarnished selves to him, and to interact with him with a humble, open heart.

I hope I, too, can be such a man.

Who was Saint Patrick?

Check out this fun, but true tale of who Saint Patrick was.  Man, this guy changed the world. 

David, an evil man after God's own heart?

David is a man after God's own heart.  How many times have I heard this?  This reference for him first shows up in God's rejection of Saul when God says he is going to choose someone to replace him that is a man after the Lord's heart.  In Acts, Paul quotes this classification in a message he delivers in a synagogue. 

To call him this title seemed so clear when I just read the Psalms.  Besides, I thought, and was taught, he's also relatable because he messed up: He did the whole Bathsheba and Uriah thing.  And, on top of that, he was repentant. 

But then I re-read David's story through Samuel and Kings for the first time in years.  The illicit relationship with Bathsheba and Uriah's murder is child's play compared to all the other things David did. 

-He killed two hundred men in order to get Michal as his wife.  He also cut off all of these dead mens' foreskins to give to Saul, as Saul requested. 

-He kills a lying messenger who claims to have killed Saul, but fails to discover that the guy didn't kill anyone. 

-David, for most of his reign, keeps a murderer named Joab employed as his general.  Joab kills opponents or people he dislikes left and right.  David only finally turns on him when Joab joins one of David's sons who intended to succeed David in his old age. 

-Two guys kill one of Saul's relatives thinking that this will make David happy.  It does not and, rightly, David accuses them of killing an innocent man.  But not only does David have them killed, but their hands and feet are hacked off and their bodies are hung up near a public place.
 

-After one defeat of the Philistines he has all of the conquered people lay down and measures them in groups.  For every group he spared, two more were executed.  The surviving people were made into slaves.  This sounds more like ISIS than a leader of God's people.

-While David marries Michal fair and square, Saul steals her and she marries another man, Palti.  Later David wants her back.  Palti weeps and follows her, clearly in love.  But she is ripped from him.  Then, in her pain and jealousy, Michal makes a pointed comment to David when he dances publicly in a worship parade of sorts.  He punishes her for the rest of her life, by never sleeping with her again and therefore leaving her childless, a humiliating curse in this time period.

-Just before his death he enjoins his son Solomon to make sure to follow the Lord's ways…and then provides Solomon with a hit list.  One of the people on the list includes a man, Shimei, who insulted David.  David also swore not to kill him.  Yet, now, David requests that Solomon "arrange a bloody death for him."

The implied accusation must be tempered with the fact that we cannot possibly know the reality of life and warfare of this time in history.  Granted, all kingdoms that seek to maintain stability and safety for their inhabitants must engage in some level of violence.  This is not the world as we wish it, but the world as it is.  While this pass, as it were, accounts for a great deal of David’s actions, it still does not acquiesce our indignation over rampant execution of innocents, personally ordered assassinations, degrading collections of human foreskins, or even manhandling of women.
 

So, what is left to love about David?  How in the world is a he a man after God's own heart?  Is God's heart this black? 

I will tell you my answer in part 2 next week.

 

Too Pretty to be a Nun?

I remember how hard it was to be a teen who suddenly wanted to grow in my faith and yet found that the teen world around me wanted to go in nearly every direction except the one I was heading towards. 

It's fun to be a rebel, for sure, and I relished being a rebel for Jesus.  Still, it can be hard for a while to be different and have different priorities than the people all around you.

I read the following article randomly from Yahoo News and loved this girl's hunger to love her Savior and serve people and to fight against the streams of culture. 

My favorite line is where she states, "I crave a sisterhood centered on my deepest values, not a sorority based on booze and boys."  That is someone who has been touched by the Father's heart.

Here is the article.  It was originally published here. 

Too Pretty to Be a Nun?

by Angela Svec

When I tell people I'm going to be a nun, they are shocked. Their eyebrows shoot up, their jaws drop, their beers spill onto the bar.

"You're too normal to be a nun," they say.

"You're too smart."

"You're too pretty!"

This last one took me by the greatest surprise -- as if acne or a big nose is a prerequisite to being a nun.

My looks have even been addressed by the religious communities I've visited as I seek my spiritual home. Three different orders seized on my name, Angela, and took to calling me Angelina Jolie!

People are baffled that my exterior -- a 27-year-old who used to work at Clinique and peruses Pinterest for fashion inspiration -- could reflect an interior longing for consecrated life and its seemingly antiquated vows of celibacy, poverty and obedience.

Their questions have forced me to confront my self-image. Who do I see in the mirror? How do I appear in God's eyes? How does one affect the other?

When I lived with the Poor Clare nuns in Belleville, Ill., I discovered that their monastery has no mirrors. At first, it was a shock for this cosmetics junkie, but it became incredibly liberating. I felt free to be who God designed me to be and more fully attuned to the people around me. I could pour the energy I used to invest in my appearance -- fretting over the reflection in the mirror, trying to alter it -- into my spiritual life.

Now I am better prepared to respond when, invariably, someone quips that I'm too pretty for the convent. "Thank you!" I say. "But there is no mold. God calls everybody! It doesn't matter what you look like, where you're from or who you know."

I try to be gracious. I take such comments with a grain of salt, knowing it's more about them than me. And over time, I've come to appreciate the conversation starter, a chance to dispel stereotypes about nuns. That's why I'm grateful for the creation of National Catholic Sisters Week (March 8-14), an official addition to National Women's History Month. It serves a much-needed purpose, raising awareness and understanding of Catholic sisters.

Last March was the inaugural celebration of NCSW, and I joined a host of Catholic sisters and college women at St. Catherine University in St. Paul, Minn., for a special kick-off weekend. It was so encouraging to meet other young women who are discerning religious life -- 20-somethings who wear nose rings and Mary medals, who are bent on social justice and reality TV, who have crushes on Ryan Gosling and Pope Francis but ultimately hope to be the bride of Christ, offering all our 21st-century hang-ups and hopes at the altar.

There are 1,000 U.S. women in some stage of formation to become Catholic sisters. It's time to tell our stories!

I'll start. I was raised Catholic in a loving home in Belleville, Ill. I envisioned a white-picket-fence future of marriage and motherhood and even got engaged at one point. But I was always seeking something more. In many ways, my attraction to consecrated life is a reaction against the trappings of modern, secular life. I yearn for service and simple living. I crave a sisterhood centered on my deepest values, not a sorority based on boys and booze. I've had the privilege of visiting convents across the country looking for the right fit, and I meet with a spiritual director regularly to guide me as I determine my next step.

I may not look like a nun, but my heart is shaped for this vocation. I see religious life as an adventure that will exceed my wildest dreams.

Angry about Church

If you are a Christian, you should not feel the following ABCs about church:
Anger
Bitterness
Critical

That's what we all feel or maybe even have been told. 

But I wonder...can these actually be the other side of love?

When my daughters eventually become teenagers and some guy sends them hate mail or lewd texts, am I supposed to brush it off or feel sorry for him?  No, I will be angry.  If I wasn't angry, you would be right to question the depth of my love for my daughters.

If you are bothered by how things are done at your church or what has happened there, I suspect it is because you actually care.  If you didn't care about your church or about your relationship with God, then you wouldn't feel critical, right?  Apathy is a sign of not caring.

Critical people are often prophets-they see the truth that others are afraid to acknowledge.  But there's another part to their role: they have to have the guts to say something about it.

If you feel any of the ABCs about your church (or anything for that matter), choose courage over cowardice.  That is something I have been trying to grow in for a number of years now.  It is not easy for me, and it may not be easy for you.

Being a prophet can be dangerous.  Jesus was openly critical of the religious system and so were many of the Old Testament prophets.  They walked a hard road, but an honorable one.

Of course, you must be willing to see the other side.  Sometimes things that are infuriating to you may be very meaningful for others.  But don't let that invalidate your experience.  You may even be wrong in the end.  Oh well!  At least you stood up and had courage.

People with courage are the people who change things.  There were twelve guys like this that hung around Jesus.  They got in a lot, a lot, a LOT of trouble because of what they said.  But, man, the world is different because of them.

Les Miserables-The heart of God in the heart of a man

I'm finally reading the actual Les Miserables book after all these years.  It's the abridged version, but the real thing none the less.  Here are a few quotes I love so far (with some intros from me):

Early in the story, the bishop meets the convict Jean Valjean, and is the only person who will let him stay at his house.  The bishop makes some touching comments that challenge us, as Christ followers:

The Bishop, who was sitting close to him, gently touched his hand. "You could not help telling me who you were. This is not my house; it is the house of Jesus Christ. This door does not demand of him who enters whether he has a name, but whether he has a grief. You suffer, you are hungry and thirsty; you are welcome. And do not thank me; do not say that I receive you in my house. No one is at home here, except the man who needs a refuge. I say to you, who are passing by, that you are much more at home here than I am myself. Everything here is yours. What need have I to know your name? Besides, before you told me you had one which I knew."
The man opened his eyes in astonishment.    
"Really? You knew what I was called?"
"Yes," replied the Bishop, "you are called my brother."

The Bishop looked at him, and said,—
"You have suffered much?"
"Oh, the red coat, the ball on the ankle, a plank to sleep on, heat, cold, toil, the convicts, the thrashings, the double chain for nothing, the cell for one word; even sick and in bed, still the chain! Dogs, dogs are happier! Nineteen years! I am forty-six. Now there is the yellow passport. That is what it is like." 
   
"Yes," resumed the Bishop, "you have come from a very sad place. Listen. There will be more joy in heaven over the tear-bathed face of a repentant sinner than over the white robes of a hundred just men. If you emerge from that sad place with thoughts of hatred and of wrath against mankind, you are deserving of pity; if you emerge with thoughts of good-will and of peace, you are more worthy than any one of us."

Everyone else looks down on Valjean, but the bishop repeatedly addresses him with the respectful title "Monsieur".  Valjean remarks in his thoughts:

"Monsieur" to a convict is like a glass of water to one of the shipwrecked of the Medusa. Ignominy thirsts for consideration.

Valjean, expecting to be turned away insists on paying.  The bishop cuts him short to not only welcome him to stay, but to invite him to that most intimate of places: a spot at the dinner table.

The bishop goes on to request a new, luxurious bed prepared for this dirty, hardened man.  This bishop is the heart of God incarnate.

"I will pay. What is that to me? I have money. I am very weary; twelve leagues on foot; I am very

hungry. Are you willing that I should remain?"

"Madame Magloire," said the Bishop, "you will set another place."

Every one has cast me out. Are you willing to receive me? Is this an inn? Will you give me something to eat and a bed? Have you a stable?"

"Madame Magloire," said the Bishop, "you will put white sheets on the bed in the alcove."