Feeling OK in the New Year

Tis the season for New Years resolutions, but maybe wanting to be different isn't always a good thing.  A good friend posted this blog post on his Facebook page and I really liked it.  I thought some of
you would be encouraged by it too.

When I returned to blogging about a month ago, you all welcomed me back with open arms. I was away for nearly a year, yet you came back, too. More importantly, I’m enjoying myself again because at some point during my break I got over my obsession with numbers. I no longer get panic attacks if I don’t have a post lined up for the next day. I no longer feel the heart-rending disappointment when a post flops.

Still, I felt a sense of unease. This isn’t really what I want to write, not forever, I told myself at night, staring at the ceiling high above. I want to write fiction. I want to be a novelist.

But a sneaking suspicion had begun to grow in my mind, one that I pondered ever since finishing the book for my kids. And when I didn’t have the strength to say the words out loud, Maile said them for me.

They came after I expressed my novelist frustrations to her one morning. We were making the bed. I went on and on, complaining about my weaknesses as a fiction writer, my unhappiness with the plot of the children’s book I had written. Then she said something, something that I had been thinking but did not have the strength to admit out loud. Something that, if I had let it, could have hurt me deeply.

“You might not want to hear what I have to say,” she said in a kind voice.

“No, go ahead.”

“Maybe,” she said, “just maybe, you’re not a novelist. Maybe you’re a nonfiction writer. That’s your best writing. That’s what people respond to.”

I took a deep breath. Sometimes the truth about ourselves hurts. Sometimes it isn’t exactly what we want to hear.

“I’ve been wondering the same thing,” I admitted.

I wonder how many of us spend our lives trying to be what we want to be instead of embracing who we are? I wonder if this contributes to the truth behind Thoreau’s famous quote that “The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.” Maybe we’re desperate because we’re dishonest with ourselves and with each other about who we are.

What would happen if we were honest with ourselves? What would happen if we listened to the loving voices that speak into our lives, the voices of those who love us, those who can sometimes see what we cannot, or will not, see?

Of course there’s a flip side to this coin, the truth that life is a struggle, a journey, and that anything worth having takes some work, some perseverance. Don’t give up on your dreams. Etcetera, etcetera. But maybe the one thing standing between you and the life you were meant to live is a dash of humility, a small measure of honesty, and a mustard seed of hope.

The hope that who you are, who you were created to be, is enough.

- See more at: http://shawnsmucker.com/2013/12/18/stop-trying-so-hard-what-you-were-created-to-be-is-enough/#sthash.GenHgxz2.dpuf

Talladega Christmas Nights

In the words of Ricky Bobby in Talladega Nights:

"Dear 8 pound, 6 ounce newborn infant Jesus, don't even know a word yet, just a little infant and so cuddly, but still omnipotent, we just tank you for all the races I've won and the 21.2 million dollars--woo!"

An argument ensues in this part of the movie when Carley and others remind Ricky that Jesus did grow up.  He, however, insists that he likes the baby Jesus best.

The baby Jesus idea is captured so well in the hymn, "Away in a manger."  Yet, there's some interesting differences between baby and grown-up Jesus.

Baby Jesus is so sweet, tender and mild.
Grown-up Jesus is offensive.

Baby Jesus, according to the song, "No crying He makes."
Grown-up Jesus sweats blood.

Baby Jesus is "asleep on the hay."
Grown-up Jesus has friends who can't stay awake while he breaks down in fear while praying in a garden.

Baby Jesus lays down "his sweet head"
Grown-up Jesus gets thorns in his head.

Baby Jesus has "stars in the sky [that] look down where he lay."
Grown-up Jesus causes a blacked-out noon day sky and an earthquake that tears the curtain the temple.

When I was in my early teens I liked a baby Jesus faith.  I could pray when I wanted to, go to church and like the Christmas carols, maybe even feel a little tingly, but then go on my way and forget about it.

I wonder what happened to those wise men.  They come to visit the baby Jesus, give him sweet gifts, but then disappear and never return.

That's a comfortable religion.  You sacrifice a little (sit through boring church services) and then go on your way.

But here's what excited me: following a problematic, challenging, in-your-face-with-his-love, grown-up Jesus.

When a friend told me in high school that, instead of dropping off gifts and leaving, I could become a modern-day disciple and follow Him, not just a star, I threw all my chips in and never looked back.

So, yes, "be near me, Lord Jesus, I ask thee to stay close by me forever and love me, I pray," but also, TAKE me with you, Lord Jesus, I ask you today to change my life with Jesus-adventure I pray."

Feeling OK about me - part 2

Imagine that you are a cup.  As a cup, you want to be filled.  It doesn’t feel good when you’re empty. 

But when you’re filled up, you feel good, you feel okay, you feel strong, you feel…at peace.

Most of us fill our cups with three things:

People

Places

Things

This seems to make sense, right?  But all these things do the same: disappoint. 

This isn’t to say we shouldn’t have these as an integral part of our lives, but we can’t use them to fill our cups. 

So, what do we do?  David wrote, “My soul finds rest in God alone.  He is my rock and my salvation.” 

John wrote, “This is love: not that we have loved God, but that He loved us first.”

Solomon wrote, “Trust in the Lord with all of your heart.”

David also wrote that with God his “soul is satisfied as with the richest of foods.”

Nehemiah said, “The joy of the Lord is your strength”

Once I began filling my cup with God something wonderful happened.  When I added sweet friends (people), and good times (places), and a new guitar (things), that made my “cup overflow.” 

What do I mean?  To fill my cup with God means that when I wonder, “Am I okay?” I let God remind me: I am loved, forgiven, enjoyed, and belong.  I have a purpose in life, a meaning, and I will not be forsaken or dumped by Him.  There are many ways to help with this from just being quiet and listening, to speaking to yourself (like the psalms say, “Why so downcast O my soul? Put your hope in God.), to listening to music that reminds you of this, to reading or reciting Bible verses that remind you of your Father’s love for you, etc. 

Let yourself feel, feel, feel God's delight in you, yes you.  Fight the voices that tell you otherwise. 

In the next post, I’ll show how that helped me weather through all the disappointments that people, places, and things send our way.

15 Years

15 years ago, yesterday, I got to marry my girl!  I have been blessed from on high everyday of those 15 years.

I want to feel OK about me

Do you ever feel just not good?

Do you ever feel like something’s not right, but you just don’t know what?

Do you ever just wish you felt okay? 

…about your life?

…about you?

Do you ever feel like you are on a roller coaster, sometimes up, and sometimes down?

I did too.  I remember it very distinctly, because it was during my high school years that I first noticed this.  I found that hanging out with friends made me feel good about me.  But, if a weekend went by without hanging out, I felt sort of empty.

Dating had helped too in the past, but getting dumped certainly didn’t help. 

Going on vacation felt good.  I liked to ski, so when I was rockin’ it down a black diamond run, I felt on top of the world.  But, of course, vacations end.

Getting a new AC/DC album was pretty sweet.  Or even a new locomotive for my model train set (I know.  I’m a nerd).  But those got old or broke.

Then I saw this book at a store called Joy That Lasts by a guy named Gary Smalley.  What I read in that book changed my sense of “feeling okay” forever. 

I’ll write in an upcoming post about what I found.

Suffering through Christmas

It's nice when someone asks how you're really doing.

It's nice when someone says they'll pray for you.
It's nice when someone thinks you're amazing because of all you've gone through.

But it puts divine medicine on a chapped soul when someone shares your suffering with you.  They enter into it as much as they can with listening, empathizing, asking, helping, comforting, even sometimes feeling the same things.

That's Christmas.

God doesn't just say, "Wow.  Life is hard for you guys."
or
"I'll send some angels to help sometimes."
or
"Good job facing the trials of life!"

No, He comes INTO it, WITH US.  Emmanuel, is this name that the ancient Jews were told the Messiah would be called.  It means "God with us."

That baby in Bethlehem becomes a man and showed us another time that He would be with us.  Here's a quote from Nadia Bolz-Weber's book Pastrix that captures it:

Every time I go looking for God amidst sorrow, I always find Jesus at the cross.  In death and resurrection.

This is our God.  Not a distant judge nor a sadist, but a God who weeps.  A God who suffers, not only for us, but with us.  Nowhere is the presence of God amidst suffering more salient than on the cross.  Therefore what can I do but confess that this is not a God who causes suffering.  This is a God who bears suffering.  I need to believe that God does not initiate suffering.  God transforms it.

Standing near the cross of Jesus were his mother, and his mother's sister, and Mary Magdalene.  When Jesus saw his mother and the disciple whom he loved standing beside her, he said to his mother, "Woman, here is your son."  Then he said to the disciple, "Here is your mother."  After this, when Jesus knew that all was now finished, he said, "I am thirsty."

"I am thirsty," he says.  "I am not watching this from a distant heaven.  I too am thirsty."

Being a "Man"

Back in 2010 I went to get some counseling for some recurring issues of anxiety, but I got much more than I expected.  My counselor helped me see that in the early part of my relationship with the Lord I began to reject a lot of masculine things.  Here’s a section of my journal when I explored this:

Starting in junior high I began to want to be different from the men in my life.  This intensified in high school when I started to walk with the Lord.  I prided myself on being sensitive to other’s needs and concerns.  I wanted to communicate about emotions.  I wanted to help people.  Several men in my family were people who didn’t mind bothering people or doing things that I thought were inconsiderate.  I also separated from things I thought sinful.  I rejected the ‘guy’ culture.  I didn’t want to make sexual jokes, I didn’t want to size up women, etc.  I also didn’t want to be pushy and aggressive.  These were things I associated with certain jerky men/guys and sin.

Certainly, there was some good in this.  For one, I learned to respect girls.  Also, I developed a sensitive heart that I think God has made one of my unique traits that He uses a lot. 

But here’s an area that wasn’t good: I assumed that it was more godly to not be assertive, that it was more holy to give way to others.  I didn’t want to be pushy, so I chose to be passive, to let others make most decisions for me. 

My counselor pointed out that when Eve ate the apple in the Garden of Eden, Adam did…nothing.  He didn’t make a choice.  He just followed.  He should have done something, even if it was wrong.  Instead, he was passive.

We’re all called to this to some degree, whether guy or girl, but men, in particular, are wired to be “men.”  That means that we stand up, make choices, step into the unknown, face fear, and, heck, even screw up while doing it, but we make choices. 

The Scriptures are very clear that Jesus didn’t let His life get taken.  It very specifically says He laid down His life of His own accord. 

I am trying to reclaim my assertiveness.  For you guys in your teens it’s hard to be decisive.  Remember, it will look differently for each of us, but I encourage you to make it your motto, as I am, to “do something, instead of nothing” and to “choose courage, instead of cowardice.” 

If a guy can do this, while still being gentle and tender to the women in his life, girls love this.  But if a guy is passive, a girl will step in and run the show…and she will resent it.

Focus on How Guys Are Different

Over the weekend we visited with some friends named Jenny and Brock. We've been pretty tight with them for many years. About two years ago, they moved to Michigan for a job. Obviously, we don't see them much anymore so it was cool that they were in town. We met at another friend's house. However, despite not seeing each other much, what did Brock do the whole time we were together? Watch the Ohio State/Michigan game. A little background: Brock loves sports and used to watch a ton more of it, but chose several years ago to not watch as much so that he could focus on his wife and family. Despite this, my wife Beth admitted that she was at first annoyed that Brock couldn't enjoy talking and catching up and just occasionally check the game. But, she said, since she had been reading this book about men called Keys to the Kingdom, her perspective quickly changed. In Keys to the Kingdom, Armstrong points out that women often assume men are immature, selfish, and inconsiderate. Some of this is simply because men are different. In large part, they focus. Armstrong writes that, "It is what men do naturally--they focus. And they focus on one thing at a time. It's the way they were designed to think....It is a remarkable quality. It is one of the things that make them able to remember details, like all of the statistics of a ballgame or an entire season. They are utterly focused on that one thing when they are participating." A few weeks ago I was at a wedding of a really sweet couple. However, about a year earlier they broke up while dating. The guy was a very successful high school wrestler and it was really hard for him to focus on his sport and also a girlfriend. So, he broke it off. You can imagine how distraught the girl was. Yet, it wasn't because he didn't love her; it was because he did! He knew she deserved his focus and he felt he couldn't give it. What had to happen in their case was that they needed to communicate about how to respect his need to focus on his sport, but at the same time learn how to give to their relationship. They eventually figured it out, and now they're husband and wife. But it would be easy to see the guy as being immature or selfish. Instead, it demonstrates that men focus and that should be respected. On the other hand, as the story also illustrates, guys sometimes have to learn how to share or shift focus when they need to. With all the differences between guys and girls, I wonder how much the Lord chuckled when He was making them.

 

Thanks giving

John 10:17-18 "No one takes [my life] from me, but I lay it down of my own accord."

"That Jesus would endure such hostility against himself with the full freedom to end it at any weak moment makes me appreciate the cross that much more.  As free choice got us into this bondage of sin, so Jesus' free choice would walk us out of it.  His example also reminds us that we are not victims either.  Even though disgusting things might be done to us by others, we still have the freedom to overcome evil by putting our trust in him.  He still redeems the darkest moments of life with the wonder of his grace."
-Wayne Jacobsen, He Loves Me

Happy Thanksgiving!

Dating INWARD

Love is not just the domain of chick flicks and cheesy pop songs.  Love is also the domain of the greatest literature and art in the history of mankind.  Even God, when trying to explain the intensity of the passion between the Messiah and His people, compared them to the passion between a bride and a groom.

This is because one of the most dangerous, exciting, and satisfying journeys of life is the adventure of finding and learning to love one person, and love them well.

One contemporary author who writes a great deal about love is Debra K. Fileta.  She is a regular relationship columnist for Relevant Magazine.  Read her article: Here's How to Find True Love


I'd like to get some dialogue running about Fileta's three concepts of dating inward, outward, and upward.

After reading about dating inward in her article, here are some questions I think that are worth exploring:

What in the world does it mean to "get to know yourself"?
Why is dating inward important to a relationship?

Is it Lust?

One of the challenges of life is that love is interwoven with sexual desire.  Desire, however, operates inside of each of us, regardless of whether we are in a romantic relationship or not.

So, what do you do with it?  One side of our world says to do whatever you want.  It doesn't really matter.  Then, for some of us who are Christ-followers, we have another community around us that has opinions about how to deal with our sexual desires.  In my experiences, that community often strives to give us lots of "NO's", but doesn't often speak to the reality of the intensity of our urges.

One author that, I believe, writes with more clarity than almost any other I have found is Brad Watson, a pastor, and an author of the book Is It Lust or Legalism.  He wrote an article in Charisma Magazine that gives a taste of what God taught him on this subject.  Check it out here:  Is It Lust or Legalism?

I'd like to get some dialogue running about Brad's article.


After reading Brad's article, here are some questions I think that are worth exploring:

Is this practical?
Is Watson giving too much freedom to our thoughts?
Is Watson's advice similar or different to what you've been taught elsewhere?
Do you think he's right?
Should we even care about this stuff?

Dating OUTWARD

Love is not just the domain of chick flicks and cheesy pop songs.  Love is also the domain of the greatest literature and art in the history of mankind.  Even God, when trying to explain the intensity of the passion between the Messiah and His people, compared them to the passion between a bride and a groom.

This is because one of the most dangerous, exciting, and satisfying journeys of life is the adventure of finding and learning to love one person, and love them well.

One contemporary author who writes a great deal about love is Debra K. Fileta.  She is a regular relationship columnist for Relevant Magazine.  Read her article: Here's How to Find True Love



I'd like to get some dialogue running about Fileta's three concepts of dating inward, outward, and upward.

After reading about dating outward in her article, here are some questions I think that are worth exploring:

Why is this so scary?
When is a good time to start?
How will dating outward look differently if you're a follower of Jesus?  What do you think Fileta means by saying, "It is a give-and-take that must never desperately give too much or fearfully give too little"?

Dating UPWARD

Love is not just the domain of chick flicks and cheesy pop songs.  Love is also the domain of the greatest literature and art in the history of mankind.  Even God, when trying to explain the intensity of the passion between the Messiah and His people, compared them to the passion between a bride and a groom.

This is because one of the most dangerous, exciting, and satisfying journeys of life is the adventure of finding and learning to love one person, and love them well.

One contemporary author who writes a great deal about love is Debra K. Fileta.  She is a regular relationship columnist for Relevant Magazine.  Read her article: Here's How to Find True Love



I'd like to get some dialogue running about Fileta's three concepts of dating inward, outward, and upward.

After reading about dating upward in her article, here are some questions I think that are worth exploring:

How does a normal teen actually do this?
What does it practically mean to allow God's "definition of love to permeate your relationships"?
How will dating look differently if God is involved?

What a Guy Needs

"Kids are in the mood, mom and dad are too, to sit down at a Friendly's for a meal that is good food. Burgers good to order, Friendly fries to eat, a famous Friendly sundae can be a good treat..."

I still remember reciting the entire wording of this Friendly's restaurant commercial in front of my mom and dad over 20 years ago (and I still remember it today!). My mom was so impressed that I could recall every word! This may seem so insignificant, but if you're a guy you can probably know why this was so momentous: we live off of admiration and appreciation like car lives off gasoline.

Every man wants to be impressive to someone else. They want to be a hero, a rescuer, a knight in shining armor. Whenever I need help carrying something heavy around the school for whatever reason, guys in a study hall leap to the opportunity. When a teacher has a computer issue, it is often a guy student who is eager to fix it.

This also explains a problem women sometimes have with guys. When girls have a problem and they
share it with a guy friend, a boyfriend, or even their dad, for example, she really just wants him to listen. However, she gets annoyed because he wants to fix the problem, instead of letting her get her feelings out. On one hand, yes, we men have to learn how to 'just listen.' Still, girls should also realize that trying to 'fix it' is a natural way for a guy to show love; he wants to be your hero.

A guy who doesn't receive much admiration and appreciation is going to go downhill. If he is constantly criticized or ignored, he will shrivel. He will look desperately for a place to find that admiration. That could be a positive place, or a negative one.

If you're a girl, is there a guy in your life who is annoying you, maybe a brother, maybe a boyfriend?

It may be that he feels he has nothing to offer you because he can't make you happy. Whether he realizes it or not, that's what he wants. He wants to be your hero somehow. Consider trying to find ways for him to help you (and actually tell him. Girls, men honestly can't just tell what you want without informing them). And then, praise the heck out of him. I may be wrong and it may flop. But I will take a guess that you may be surprised at how this could turn a little boy into a man (or just make him more pleasant to be around).

If you're a guy, recognize and affirm that God made you to be a hero. It's written into your core, so go be it and don't be ashamed. Look for the ways that He has made you unique, the ways that He has designed you to be a hero in the way only you can.

It may be shooting hoops, constructing a theatre set, helping with dishes, kicking butt on your homework, helping your sister with math, designing new worlds, fixing computers, helping out at church, dreaming of a cure for cancer, creating a fundraiser for a sick friend, cutting your grandparents' lawn, rooting your girlfriend on at her volleyball game, talking about your faith to your friends, leading a devotion before practice, and on and on. Whatever it may be, go be a knight, kill some dragons, and rescue a princess (even if she's just your sister).

P.S. I know I focused on guys wanting to receive admiration and appreciation from girls, but I think they also need it from men in their lives.  If you don't get it from dad, find it in someone else like a coach, teacher, relative, or friend's dad. 

Men Ain't Dumb

The older I get the more I realize just how different men are from women. My wife and I have done a

bit of relationship counseling for couples over the years and have seen how most people assume that their significant other is just like them.

Girls assume guys are just hairy girls.
Guys assume girls and just pretty men.

Basically, we are convinced that the opposite sex thinks about and sees the world, life, and relationships in the same way we do. But, it ain't so.

I've learned a lot about women, being married to one! However, while women take a lot to understand, it is men who are most often misunderstood in our culture. Most commercials or TV shows with a couple, for example, will portray the guy as a dope and the woman as the insightful genius.

Lots of educational philosophy has fought against male tendencies as well. Boys, some say, are too competitive, too insensitive, too physical. So, we should not have competitive games in class, some experts say. Also, we should give trophies to every member of the baseball team and so on so no one feels bad.

I'm reading a book right now by a woman who has dedicated her life and career to understanding

men, Alison Armstrong. I really feel like her insights are relevant to both guys and girls, single or dating. The insights are not just helpful for romantic relationships, but any interactions you have with other males in your life from family to bosses. Plus, I think guys need to learn about themselves because so much of our culture hates on us for being men, including, sometimes, our Christian culture.

When I was a teenager, I began walking with the Lord for the first time in my life. It was an incredible experience and I longed to live out my faith radically. You may have heard the phrase, "Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater." Well, so much of what I saw in men was so unlike how I wanted to live my faith, that I tossed it all. Some of that was good. But other parts were not, and it wasn't until my 30s when I went to counseling that I discovered parts of my masculinity that I needed to reclaim.

So, the next few posts will be insights from Armstrong's book and my experiences as well. I hope they help you see new ways to look at the men around you and that God was not being dumb when He made them.

Why I Loved to Hate Hazel

Have you ever loved something partly because it bothered you?  It's kind of like when you look back on a tough time in your life and recognize that, if you could go back, you wouldn't change it because you're different, in a very good way, because of that experience.

Both of my posts on The Fault in Our Stars have been negative.  Yet, the more I think about it, I think that alone is due to the fact that the book engaged me both on an entertainment level and on a soul level.  It hurt to see this young girl facing death in her own life, and in her beloved's, and having this hopeless outlook at the same time.

While I criticized Hazel's supposed 'honesty' about suffering, I applaud her desire to not accept silly answers.  And that is something I share with her.  I have never been content with cliche answers to life, death, and especially spiritual issues.

I noticed something that began happening in the last few pages of the book that also sweetened my heart.

After her boyfriend Augustus dies, Hazel is angry, yet her loss seems to make her long for more than her "oblivion is inevitable" approach.

First, she reflects on her dad's comments (mentioned in the last post):
"What we want is to be noticed by the universe, to have the universe give a shit what happens to us--not the collective idea of sentient life but each of us, as individuals."

She begins to feel that Something in the universe knows her, individually.  She goes on to say,
"I was thinking about the universe wanting to be noticed, and how I had to notice it as best I could.  I felt I owed a debt to the universe that only my attention could repay."  

In the last few pages of the book, Hazel, for the first time, mentions heaven in an affirmative manner.  Her mom, she discovers, has been taking courses so she can be a grief counselor for kids with cancer after Hazel dies.  Hazel is ecstatic and exclaims:

"This is so great.  If I'm dead, I want you to know I will be sighing at you from heaven every time you ask someone to share their feelings."

In similar fashion, for the first time she also speaks of God.  She has heard that there is a high divorce

rate for couples who lose a child to cancer.  Hazel wants to know if her mom and dad will make it.  Her dad says,
"Your mom and I love each other, and if we lose you, we'll go through it together."
"Swear to God,"  I said.
"I swear to God," he said.

In the end, the fact that I was so irritated with Hazel showed the greatness of a book that did not just entertain me, but pulled at and wrestled with my soul.  And for that, I am grateful to John Green the author, and also to Hazel.

Celia live in film!

Celia's Arrival from Kurt Maechner on Vimeo.

Of Babies and Hurricanes

It was last year around this time when wind and rain tore up our neighborhood.  In fact, it did that to just about every neighborhood from here to the east coast as we suffered the after effects of Hurricane Sandy.

In our rainsoaked state with tree limbs lying strewn about, schools and businesses were closed.  I had certainly never had school called off in the fall before!

There are just a handful of occurrences in life when time seems to stop.  Natural disasters are one, and having a baby is another.

These times when the unrelenting call of "next" for one fleeting moment takes a break cause one to think in more introspective levels than normal life affords.

What's really important?

Money?
Work?
What so and so said the other day that really irked me?
What this or that person seems to think about me?
Having more rooms in our house?

Not really.

This little 8 pound girl.  That's life.  My sweet, beautiful wife.  Her laugh, her smile, how we can just talk and talk.  That's life.  My four other girls in all their strengths, quirks, and ponies.  That's life.  My gentle God, with his way of taking my fragile self and making me feel so warm and wanted inside.  That's life.

I could go on.  My parents, my brother, my friends, the dear people I work with, the students that make me laugh and the students who open their hearts to me.  All of these make life what it is too.

Relation-ship.  Where life is made.  Why did Jesus come?  Sin?  No.  That was simply a barrier to what He was really after: relation-ship.  Why did He even make the world?  Again, relation-ship.

Let's not let the stupid, passing things of life distract us and make us think that they are the real "stuff" of life.  Instead, let's, you and me, seek life where life truly is.

Meet Celia Joy!

We got home a few hours ago so I finally was able to get a pic up of our new little lady.

it's a...

Girl! Her name is Celia Joy.  Sorry I don't know how to upload photos from my ipad.  I'll get one up here when we come home in a few days.

Celia is sleeping in Mommy's arms right now.

Baby part 2

4:33 baby born!

Baby part 1

At the hospital with baby 5 coming hopefully sometime this afternoon.  Little contractions.  Keep praying.  We've got a great nurse.

Heaven is fairy tale?

Hazel Grace, the sweet, terminally ill girl that has found love from The Fault in Our Stars. I want so much to like her. I want so much to find her inspiring. But she angers me. I should feel bad about that. I mean she's dying. But she claims she doesn't want pity. Here is just one example of many that frustrate me: Hazel loves this one book. Her dad read it and says, "It was a bit hopeless," he said. "A bit defeatist." "If by defeatist you mean honest, then I agree." "I don't think defeatism is honest," Dad answered. "I refuse to accept that." "So everything happens for a reason and we'll all go live in the clouds and play harps and live in mansions?"   I come across this thinking so frequently: if you really want something to be true, it must not be. Because you really wish there was a God, because you really long for there to be an afterlife, it must not be. Some atheists pride themselves on being so honest, so in touch with the facts and reality. Theirs is just another wishful-thinking mode too, though they don't admit it.   Some very much hope there is no God or no afterlife. Alas, that may require them to recognize some responsibility towards that God or that how they live their life now may have some effect on the next life. The "honesty" argument falls in so many places. I love my wife. But one could say, "Hey let's be honest. We are all competing organisms. My survival is my main goal. I am an evolutionary product with no inherent meaning. I am a blob of stellar material that has come to life and all I can do is maintain my miserable existence. So, I will choose to protect myself and serve myself at whatever cost it takes." And I can say, "I'm just being honest." But, here's my problem: I believe in love. Yes, I really, really want there to be a thing called love. I want it to be true that giving of myself not only blesses my wife, but also blesses my God. I want it to be true that all the love and relationships that I have built with her and my four little girls will have meaning both in this life and the next. Yes, I believe in love. Call me dishonest, if you must. I give Hazel's dad credit that he tries to hold onto some semblance of belief, though the best he can come up with is, "I think the universe is improbably biased toward consciousness, that it rewards intelligence in part because the universe enjoys its elegance being observed." He seems to be trying so hard to avoid saying there is a Being who actually cares. Maybe he's afraid of being 'honest.' God (truly), I hope Hazel gets honest by the end of this book. But maybe because I really want that to happen, because I actually care enough about this fictional character to hope she finds real meaning, that must mean I believe that everything happens for a reason and we'll all go live in the clouds and play harps and live in mansions*" Honestly, I suppose I do...minus the harps, of course. *To be exact, no I don't believe everything happens for a reason, though I do believe that God can bring meaning and life out of even the greatest tragedies.  The clouds, harps, and mansions are simply a cartoon cutout of a real belief in a life that will happen after this one that will certainly be much more meaningful than comic strip versions of heaven.

 

Do I mean anything?

I'm reading two different books right now.  One is called The Fault in Our Stars by John Green, a fiction story about two teens with cancer who fall in love.  The other is Pastrix by Nadia Bolz-Weber, a former addict turned tattooed, f-bomb dropping Lutheran pastor. The differences between these two books is like oil and water.  In Fault, the main character Hazel has to carry around an oxygen tank because her lungs won't work otherwise.  She has terminal cancer.  A young cancer survivor named Gus comes to a support group meeting.  When asked his biggest fear, he responds, "Oblivion," meaning to cease to exist after death. 


Hazel tells him the following:
"There will come a time...when all of us are dead.  All of us.  There will come a time when there are no human beings remaining to remember that anyone ever existed or that our species ever did anything....Everything we did and built and wrote and thought and discovered will be forgotten and all of this will have been for naught....if the inevitability of human oblivion worries you, I encourage you to ignore it."

Wow.  Makes you feel small and insignificant, doesn't it.  But then...I read a chapter in Pastrix called "Beer and Hymns."  Nadia tells the story of how her church meets in a bar to sing hymns to God each week.  However, one particular week stood out because a few days before that one guy shot and killed some 12 people in a movie theater during a midnight showing of Batman. 

Nadia considered cancelling the meeting, but instead, they did it anyway.  Here are some of her remembrances of that night.

"It took a few minutes for me to pinpoint the uniqueness of how these hymns were being sung [that night].  But then I knew.  It was defiance.

"Mary Magdalene was the very first to proclaim, in the midst of loss and sorrow, that death had been defeated.

"Of course, Mary Magdalene would have very little tolerance for the Christian platitudes and vapid optimism that seem to swirl around these kinds of tragic events.  Those platitudes are tempting, but they're nothing but luxuries for people who've never had demons (or at least have never admitted to them).  But equally, she would reject nihilism, or the idea that there is no real meaning in life or death--ideas present in so much of postmodernity.  Those ideas, too, are luxuries, but they are for those who have never been freed from demons.

"When we sang hymns to God at the bar, it sounded like a people who simply would not believe that violence wins, a people who know that the sound of the risen Christ speaking our names drowns out all other voices.  It drowns out the sound of the political posturing, the sound of cries for vengeance, the sound of our own fears and anxieties, and the deafening uncertainty--because all of it is no match for the shimmering sound of the resurrected Christ calling our name.

"This is the resurrected God to whom we sing.  A God who didn't say we would never be afraid but that we would never be alone.

"Singing in the midst of evil is what it means to be disciples.  Like Mary Magdalene, the reason we can stand and weep and listen for Jesus is because we, like Mary, are bearers of resurrection, we are made new.  On the third day, Jesus rose again, and we do not need to be afraid.  To sing to God amidst sorrow is to defiantly proclaim, like Mary Magdalene did to the apostles...that death is not the final word.  To defiantly say, once again, that a light shines in the darkness and the darkness cannot, will not, shall not overcome it.  And so, evil be damned, because even as we go to the grave, still we make our song alleluia.  Alleluia.  Alleluia."

I'm not done with The Fault in Our Stars yet, but I'm hoping Hazel finds more hope than that sad "reality" that she gave to Gus.