Perks 4: Final Thoughts

So, I finished The Perks of Being a Wallflower a week or so ago and I wrote down a bunch of topics I still wanted to write about.  I may or may not get to them all, but I wanted to do one culminating one that looked at the big picture.

One question I asked myself is: could I recommend this book?  Some students who read it admitted that it was a pretty graphic book.  There are pretty detailed descriptions of sex, rape, masturbation, drug use, etc.  So does that make it a bad book?

Not necessarily.  There are a lot of books that have some pretty raw stuff that I think are worth reading.  The Bible is one of them.  Romeo and Juliet is another.  Even the book that Perks is attempting to emulate, The Catcher in the Rye has some of these issues. 

To me, though, what makes the above stories more readable is that they can address some heavy subjects with a level of grace.  Books that speak to us often show the world as it is, including its more gritty side.  Yet masters of language can make us feel that grit without it feeling raunchy.  Perks seemed to cross into raunchy at times. 

So, can I recommend it?  I don’t know.  It depends on the person.  I want my kids to read Harry Potter…but not yet.  There is a time when certain works of literature or movies or music can enlighten even when muddling through gritty aspects of life and there is a time when those same pieces can pull us down and stir cravings and curiosity that can lead us to unhealthy choices.  Each person has to make that call for themselves.

But I want to end on what I see as the triumph of Perks and that is what I see to be its dominant theme: Like Charlie, we need to see the complexity of people’s lives and extend compassion to them.  Charlie doesn’t label people.  Even when he doesn’t like them or is hurt by them, he is able to see the complexity of their life.  Everyone has a story and everyone’s faults have a story.  We all share in the glory of life and we all share in the gutter.  He sees both sides in everyone from his father, to Patrick, to his ex-girlfriend Mary Elizabeth. 

And, in the end, he even seems to see it in his Aunt Helen who molested him.  This is truly shocking, but should it be, especially for those of us who call ourselves Jesus-followers? 

Jesus protected and spoke love to a married woman who was caught sleeping with a married man.  He had a dinner party with a notorious cheat named Zacchaeus and turned the man’s heart.  He looked over the city of Jerusalem, the city that would eventually execute him, and had compassion because they were “like sheep without a shepherd.“

He looked at people and he saw humanity-meaning he recognized and loved the frailty of what it is to be human. 

I read The Catcher in the Rye many years ago.  It has been considered the most powerful modern-day ‘coming-of-age’ novel.  One scene has stuck in my mind since I read it.  The main character Holden, who is lonely, decides to get a prostitute.  When she comes to his hotel room, he is struck by the fact that she is his age and ultimately decides that all he wants to do is talk.  The prostitute eventually gets annoyed and leaves.   Holden, like Charlie, and like Jesus sees through the labels and sees a person, a person in all their crap, and sin, and beauty, and pain, and longing, and dreams. 

That’s what I want to emulate from Charlie’s life.  To see the people around me, even the ones that frustrate me, as people with a history.  And I want to love them.  I want to be the hands and words of God to them.  Because I have a history too, but my history has been written with the fingerprints of a Savior.  He has touched my crap, sin, beauty, pain, longing, and dreams.  And I want Him to use me to help do the same for the people I come in contact with.

Stupid Prayers

So, the other night my 3 year old was going to bed and asked me to “snuggle.”

While snuggling, she suddenly said, “Daddy?”

“Yeah?” I asked.

“I love you really much.”

(Oh, my goodness!  That’s the best thing in the world!)

“I love you really much too, Stella.”

Then she asked, “What’s for breakfast?”

Huh?

Did you ever feel like not praying because you thought it wouldn’t sound right or your ‘prayer’ would seem stupid?  Just think: you’re Stella.  And God is, well, me…in the story at least!  My heart was so delighted in my little girl’s words, even when her words of love were followed up by a random query about breakfast. 

Today, when you talk to your Abba Father, remember that He delights in you and your words when you talk to Him even more than I can delight in my own child.  I love these words from Hebrews 4:16 “Approach the throne of grace with confidence.”

The Perks 3.5 Get Physical

I hope it's not too weird that we're hitting these subjects.  The Perks of Being a Wallflower, the book at least, talks about it a lot!

I ended the previous post asking: Why do we get so physical so fast?  Why does that complicate things?  What is the actual purpose of getting physical? 

Well, we get physical for three reasons.  However, the first two are the most prominent.

1. It feels really good.  It really does.

2. Because that’s what people do when they date…right?

#1 was obvious.  #2 is interesting.

Here’s what Charlie says about his physical relationship with Mary Elizabeth:

“Sex things are weird, too.  It’s like after that first night, we have this pattern where we basically do what we did that first time, but there is no fire or Billie Holiday record because we are in a car, and everything is rushed.  Maybe this is the way things are supposed to be, but it doesn’t feel right.”

“Maybe this is the way things are supposed to be.”  

We are all sucked into this one.  Especially in our teen years.  We don’t have experience with love and romance so we typically go off what we see, and for many of us that’s movies, TV, and music.

You would be hard pressed to find a romantic comedy where people aren’t physically intimate long before they actually know each other very well.

So, what’s the real purpose of getting physical with someone? 

Reason #3: It is one of many expressions of romantic love for someone that you feel is compatible with you and that you see a future with. 

I think we have to be careful not to get the cart before the horse.  Getting physical is fun.  Truly.  But you play tennis together because it’s fun as a way to get to know someone.  Physical stuff is different.  You get to know someone and when that connection seems meaningful you often express it, and one of those ways is physical. 

One more story.  I dated another girl in high school and college.  We had so much fun together.  In fact we were good friends long before we dated or even considered it.  We eventually were more physical at times, but not all the time.  There were some ‘make out’ times in there.  Yet, they didn’t dominate our relationship.  No clothes came off.  Unlike Charlie, no hands went up shirts.  Instead, we had lots of fun together and we talked.  I did see a future for us.  We had a lot in common and got to know each other pretty deeply. 

But we didn’t get married.  We eventually saw reasons that we would be better with someone else.  You know when I see her every once in a while (she lives out of state and is married) it’s fun to see her.  It’s not awkward either.  The physical stuff was not the main thing so we don’t have that between us.

Yet, whenever I’ve been in a situation where I thought I would see the girl I mentioned in the previous post, I admit, I pray that I don’t have to talk to her.  Now that’s probably more immaturity on my part, but I still feel weird about our relationship.  Did I ever really get to know her?  I don’t think so.

As a Jesus-follower, and as a fellow human, my heart tells me this is why saving love-making for your future bride or groom makes sense.  It’s kind of like when Sam kissed Charlie (even though they weren’t dating) because she wanted his first kiss to be from someone who truly loved him, instead of someone who would use him.  

Also, this is at the heart of why taking it slow physically when you’re dating makes sense.  Dating is about knowing.  Let’s take the time to know, to learn, to enjoy, to laugh, to talk, to open up, to tell jokes, to play tennis, to see movies, to argue, to send texts, to go to Cedar Point, to dance, to really find out if this person you’re dating is someone you see a future with before we jump so quickly into intimate expressions.    

A little P.S. I don't want to suggest that doing things they way I'm suggesting will somehow make all your relationships and breakups go easy.  Relationships, by their nature, grow roots deep inside our hearts and will hurt when those roots are pulled.  But I do think it makes a difference how far you let the roots go in and when.  It also makes a difference if your ultimate treasure is your Abba.  For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.  

Perks 3: Get Physical

When you’re a little kid you’re always asking “Why can’t I do that?”  “Why can’t I have that?”  Why?  Why?  As you get a little older you start asking “When can I do that?”  “When can I have that?”  When?  When? 

Slowly, as you age, you reach the stage of “when” you can have somethings.  That happens because either you finally have permission to do it or the opportunity (whether or not you’ve received permission).  Here’s where so much goes south: we forget why because we can.  Once the question “When?” is answered we are so quick to ignore the original question of “Why?”

I found the story of Charlie’s relationship with Mary Elizabeth to be really funny.  She gives him all

these books and talks incessantly about all her ideas, but never lets Charlie talk.  Then she basically initiates their physical connection and this becomes the main thing in their relationship, even though Charlie doesn’t really like her. 

I also thought their story was pretty sad because I’ve seen it happen in real life.  And…it happened to me.  I started dating this one girl in high school and it was good for a while, but soon we learned that making out was pretty fun.  So that’s pretty much what we did when we got together (after watching TV of course).  There was no sex or anything close to it. 

The thing is that I reached a point where I knew that she was not the kind of person I wanted to ultimately marry.  Please hear me: this was not because she was bad or anything.  To be honest, she was a great girl and whoever married her was a lucky man.  She just wasn’t the personality type that would work with mine.  The funny part is that even though I came to realize this, we still made out again and again.

This is kind of Charlie and Mary Elizabeth’s situation.  They started dating and getting to know each other (which is the point of dating, right?), but Mary Elizabeth pushed them into the physical before they really knew if they were good for each other.  He hardly knows her, but they’re having sex together pretty often.  Charlie is still not sure he even likes her.  In fact, he reaches a point where he knows that he truly does not like her!

So, back to the question: Why?  Why do we get so physical so fast?  Why does that complicate things?  What is the actual purpose of getting physical? 

I’m going to follow that one up next time.

The Perks 2: Being Known

I’m making more progress in The Perks of Being a Wallflower and one thing I really like is how Charlie is able to see through the facades that everyone else puts up.  That seems the genius of his character, that despite his age and seeming naiveté, he sees the truth about people and situations that older or more ‘experienced’ people seem to miss.

The most meaningful thing that he points out so far is our desire, as teens and people in general, to be known.  He doesn’t mean to have people know who you are, or your name, or your accomplishments, but to be truly known-internally.  That is your thoughts, your fears, your hopes, your feelings, your likes, your faults, in essence, your spirit.

In one chapter he remarks that he loves his father, but doesn’t know him.  You can sense Charlie’s sadness about this.  There is that one moment when he catches his dad crying in the kitchen about the last MASH episode.  His dad asks Charlie to keep it a secret and this is continually a source of delight to Charlie for it is the one moment in his life that he saw INTO his father. 

In another section Charlie learns that his hard-working grandfather once hit his daughter (Charlie’s mom) when she got a bad report card.  That moment motivated Charlie’s mother to work harder and thus acquire a better life.  Charlie wonders something like this: “Is it better to be close to your daughter, or to make sure she has a better life than you did?”  I like that Charlie recognizes the complexity of the issue, but I feel that the heart of Charlie would say: closeness is of more value.

Here is my question: Why do we think God is so different than this?  We spend so much time in ‘churchy’ settings talking about God’s rules for this and that and standing up for truth, and fighting for the good, and not sinning and so on, yet we miss the deepest heart of God: He wants to know us and He wants us to know Him.

Paul, in a letter to young Jesus-follwers in the city Galatia, said, “You know God—or rather are known by God."  To know God is not just mental assent to some creed that states who He is.  It is relational.  It is to know like we know a friend, a deep, close friend.  That’s what He wants with us: to know us.  Yes, He knows everything by the fact that He’s God, but he wants to know us relationally.  That’s what it is to be truly known. 

And all that other stuff that we talk about happens when we’re known and we’re safe in that.  Jesus said, “If you love me you will obey my commandments.”  He knew that people who love naturally find themselves doing the things that bless the other.

I also think Charlie’s insight brings a lot of wisdom to our human relationships.  Do we truly know our friends?  Do we ask them questions or do we just do all the talking?  Do we truly know our family?  I know that’s sometimes harder than it seems.  I can’t say I’ve always been successful with family either. 

I hope I can cut through the junk like Charlie and see the real issues around me and pursue relationships over all the other things that try to win my attention.  I need to keep working on it. Maybe I can keep learning from Charlie.    

The Perks of Being a Wallflower Thoughts 1

Recently I have noticed a lot of students reading the book The Perks of Being a Wallflower.  I assume others have seen the movie, though I haven’t.  I decided to borrow it from one of my students and check it out. 

It’s a provocative book in that it really addresses raw issues.  Naturally, it makes me think a lot and I wanted to put my random reflections on it occasionally.  Even if you haven’t read it, I think it’s worth checking out these posts because it’s a book basically about the world of being a teenager. 

So far Charlie, the main character, has discovered that there are two different groups in his high school:

1. the popular group

2. the ‘different’ kids

Group 1 are typically snobby and ignore him.  Group 2 is made up of kids who actually are nice.  They ask Charlie questions and are legitimately interested in him.  They welcome him into their friendship and make him feel “infinite.” 

I’ve got two reflections so far. 

Have you ever seen the movie (or stage version of) Grease?  It’s a fun movie, but anyone who has been a teenager knows that Grease’s version of high school is simply silly made-up cut-outs.  It’s so unreal when you think about it.  I feel that way about most movies that show high schools.  The stuff of good movies rarely is found in normal life with most normal people.

I feel the same about Perks.  If you had never been a teenager you’d think all teens do is go to parties, drink lots of alcohol, get high, and experiment with sex.  Does that go on?  You bet!  But, here’s the thing that I think many teens need to hear: there are a lot of teens that don’t do any of this stuff and guess what?  They live perfectly happy and fun lives!

Both group 1 and 2 in the book have one thing in common: they don’t want to miss out.  Group 1 doesn’t want to miss out on popularity or status.  Group 2 doesn’t want to miss out on experimenting with things that others tell them are not ‘acceptable.’ 

And you know what?  I get that.  I don’t want to miss out either and nor do you I bet.  But the question becomes: miss out on what?  I don’t want to miss out on all the God has for my life.  I’ve got to believe that He wants me to experience the depth of the goodness and even fun of life and that He, being the designer of life, knows the best ways for life to work. 

That means I say no to a lot of things.  But it also means I say yes to a lot of things.  I experience a lot of stuff, as a believer, that are exhilarating that I would totally miss if I was just looking to not miss out on every little thing that comes my way.

Let me give you just one example.  I said no to sex until I got married.  No it was not easy.  There were times I could have gone that direction.  Did I miss out?  No way!  My breakups were easier to deal with than those who slept with their girlfriends for one.  Plus, I had so much more fun on dates and stuff because we never had to deal with the issue of “does she want to?”  “How do I do this?”  “What if she says no?”  “How can we be alone?”  “Will anyone find out?”.  Nothing.  We just had a good time and, get this, we got to know each other. 

Sex is not something that you do perfectly and naturally the first time.  It often takes years to figure it out.  But I never had to think “Well this is how that one girl did it.”  No, my wife and I gave the gift of “we’ve got no idea how to do this, so let’s have fun figuring it out!” to each other.  That, I think is God’s design.  And I’m so glad I didn’t miss out.

As a closing, I'm not dissing nor promoting the book.  I'm just shooting out my random thoughts about the challenges of life during your teen years.

Married to God? Hearing God

Teen Spirituality Part #6

How in the world can you hear God talking to you?

Last weekend Beth and I drove 1000 miles in a little over 24 hours.  We left to go to a wedding on Long Island, New York of a friend (and that I was the videographer for) right after school on Friday.  We got to a relative’s place at 1:30 am!  We got up early Saturday to drive two more hours to the wedding.  The reception was done early in the evening so we left around 5pm and got home around 1:30am.  It was a loooot of driving.

If you could video us driving in the dead of night it would be funny.  My wife knows that occasionally I’ll want a Twizzler.  She also knows to offer me healthy food because otherwise I’ll just eat junk.  I also know to frequently ask, when I see a rest stop coming, if she needs to stop.  Beth is convinced she has the smallest bladder in the world!  We also took turns sleeping while the other was driving.  Beth will tell me to just let her sleep for a half hour or something, but I’ve learned to be able to tell when she is really asleep so I give her more time.

The point is this.  We have learned over the course of time to know each other, down to little details.  Many years of talking, interacting, and experiencing life together builds a world of knowledge between two people.  The same is true for you and God.

This is one of the hardest parts about God: we usually don’t hear an ‘out loud’ voice from Him.  Plus, the Bible is full of people who see visions and have visits from angels (I want to point out that, even if you look at those occurrences in the Bible, you will notice they are few and far between.  Sometimes centuries pass between them.  So, we should never assume that this is God’s usual way of communicating). 

To top it off, Christians tend to tell us to just “read the Bible” as the only way to hear from God.  This is helpful, but doesn’t really capture the whole picture.

Instead, to me it comes down to the way all relationships work: over time and experience and intentional learning one finds out how to hear from the person you love.  We’re all different, and I’d suggest that God communicates with us differently too. 

There are many different ways this can happen.  I’ll attempt to explore some of them in upcoming posts.