Guys deal with image as well, but girls really bear the
brunt of it. They often have to deal
with how people view them because of what they wear. On top of this, as a Christian, it can get
more confusing as we blame girls for guys’ problems because of their
clothes. This all makes the teen years
of your life more complicated as you are trying to figure out who you are. For many of us, our clothing styles are often
a part of that journey, but because of all these issues, it makes the journey
feel more like a deadly obstacle course.
I came across a blog post by Hugo Schwyzer that I feel spoke
well to this. He’s a Christian guy, a
professor, author, youth director, and speaker.
However, he has some really innovative thoughts on lots of issues. I don’t necessarily agree with all of
them. That being said, I really liked
this post. Here he writes a response to
a 16 year old girl who asked him how she can change her wardrobe to avoid
having “creepy older guys” hit on her.
P.S. Guys, I think this is worth reading for us too. We need to know the challenges that girls
face.
Here’s the letter:
Dear Rachel,
I wish that I could offer you specific fashion tips that
would guarantee that creepy older guys wouldn’t hit on you. For that matter, I
wish I could share with you how to dress in a manner that would assure that
your peers wouldn’t frequently judge you, either to your face or behind your
back. Unfortunately, I can’t tell you how to ensure those things — because the
sad truth is that no matter how you dress, no matter what you wear, you will be
perceived by some men as a target for their unwanted advances.
You may have heard people say things like “girls who wear
short skirts are asking for ‘it’”. By “it” they may mean anything from rape to
crude comments and penetrating stares. But as you may already have noticed,
girls aren’t immune from harassment when they’re wearing simple or “modest”
garb either. I’ve had plenty of students who’ve been accosted while wearing
sweatpants or long dresses. I’ve had Muslim students who chose to wear head
coverings, and they’ve been harassed both religiously and sexually. The bottom
line is that there’s nothing you can wear that will guarantee respect from
others. And the reason is that the root of this problem isn’t skin or clothing,
it’s our cultural contempt for women and girls.
Have you noticed the way this works yet? If a girl is thin,
she’s accused of being “anorexic”; if her weight is higher than the cruelly
restrictive ideal, she’s “fat” and “doesn’t take care of herself” or “has no
self-control.” If she wears cute, trendy clothes she “only wants attention” and
if she wears sweats and jeans, she “doesn’t make an effort.” If she’s perceived
as sexually attractive, and — especially — if she shows her own sexual side,
she’s likely to be called a “slut.” If her sexuality and her body are
concealed, she’s a “prude.” As you’ve probably figured out, the cards are
stacked against you. You cannot win, at least not if you define winning as
dressing and behaving in a way likely to win approval (or at least decent
respect) from everyone.
The advice I’m going to give may sound clichéd, but it’s
important nonetheless: you should dress in a style that makes you comfortable.
Comfort, of course, has many dimensions. There’s physical
comfort to consider. A fashion choice that leaves you sweating and itchy on a
hot day, or shivering on a cold one, is by definition uncomfortable. When the
weather’s warm, wearing more revealing clothing is often as much a matter of
comfort rather than style.
Of course, there’s a psychological aspect to comfort, too.
The more revealing your clothing (regardless of your reasons for wearing it),
the more of your body others can see. It’s important to be honest with yourself
about how that makes you feel. Different people have different levels of
comfort with having their bodies noticed. That’s a normal variation, and the
key thing is to be aware where you are on the spectrum. If your peers or
parents urge you to dress in a style that leaves you feeling vulnerable and
uncomfortably exposed, you have a right to push back against them. The reverse
is true, too.
It’s important too to note that however much
skin you are revealing, you are never responsible for another person’s
inappropriate behavior. Save for the blind, we are all visual
people. We notice each other. There is no right not to be seen. But there is a
right not to be stared at with a penetrating gaze of the sort that makes you
feel deeply uncomfortable. While it may seem that you get those leers more
often when you’re showing more skin, you’ve probably noticed that you get those
creepy stares at other times as well. And the key thing you need to know is
that men can control their eyes — they really can — and women can control their
judgment. Your body is not so powerful that it can drive others to distraction.
(And yes, if we’re honest, sometimes we wish that our bodies were that
powerful, particularly if it meant drawing the attention of someone to whom we
are attracted!) If some men choose to be distracted by you, that is their
choice, a decision for which they (not you) are solely responsible. No matter
what anyone tells you, you need to remember that.
It is not inconsistent to want to be seen and not be stared
at. You know the difference, I suspect, between an “appreciative look” (which
can feel very validating) and the “penetrating stare” that leaves you feeling
like crawling into a hole. While people are not required to give you the
former, it’s not unreasonable to expect them to avoid giving you the latter.
It’s also not unreasonable to want guys your age to be interested in you, and
want the creepy old ones to leave you alone. Remember, it’s not hypocrisy or
naiveté on your part to dress in a way that you hope will get you that positive
attention you want without also bringing the negative attention you fear and
loathe.
Sometimes, of course, we need other people’s insight and
advice. There are little fashion rules that it can be helpful to know (even if
only for the sake of breaking them, like the old one about not mixing browns
and blacks, or not wearing dark-colored bras under light-colored tops.) Friends
and family members may have suggestions for what colors or styles are most
flattering to you, and sometimes those suggestions may be helpful. I’m
certainly not suggesting you shouldn’t listen to those tips. But I want you to
know there’s a world of difference between saying “you know, I think lime green
isn’t really your color” and saying “you shouldn’t wear short skirts, because
then men will think you’re easy.” The former bit of advice is rooted in an
aesthetic truth (aesthetics is a fancy term for the study of what is beautiful
or good), the latter in an anxiety that is based on a false assumption about
male weakness.
It’s okay to ask, when headed to a new school or a workplace
or a party, about the dress code. Few of us want to stand out as totally
different from everyone else. Most of us can figure out that what you wear to a
birthday party at the water park is different from what you would wear to a
funeral service in a church. Dressing for the occasion is part of living in a
community with others. But that standard should still have room for a lot of
flexibility. A bikini is probably not appropriate at Thanksgiving dinner
(unless you’re poolside), but when it comes, say, to school, don’t let anyone
tell you that can’t dress up (or down) depending on how you feel.
Here’s a key point: As a father and a teacher and a youth
leader and a feminist man who has been around a while (and worked with
thousands of young people), I want you to know that while not all men are safe
and trustworthy, men’s bad behavior is never, ever, ever, ever, ever “your”
fault. Your miniskirt doesn’t cause guys (of any age) to do anything they don’t
choose to do (no matter what they say to the contrary). It’s not your job to
dress to keep yourself safe from men.
Lastly, let me say that finding your own style is an
adventure. It involves a lot of trial, and some not infrequent errors. I
promise you, ten or twenty years from now you’ll look at photos of yourself at
16, roll your eyes, and say “What was I wearing? What made me think that looked
good?” Despite what some folks tell you, these are not the best years of your
life. Not even close. And in terms of your style and your beauty, you aren’t
anywhere near your peak. I say that not to belittle you, but to reassure you
that you don’t have to get it right yet. You have much more time than you
think.
All the very best,
Hugo
