Allegiant: when relationships get tough

Tris and Tobias.  I like them so much more than Katniss, Peta, and Gale.  They have a great chemistry

 and, for the most part, they really seem to care about each other.

Then comes Allegiant.  Things get much dice-ier for them in this book.  That’s pretty realistic actually.  All long-term relationships eventually go through an arc.  At the beginning, things often are great.  Excitement, mystery, newness, all these things make us feel alive to life in a way we weren’t before. 

The myth is that this goes on forever.  The truth, however, is not that love is doomed to failure or boredom.  That too is a myth, although one that can, and often does, come sadly true for those who don’t realize the first myth. 

Tris and Tobias are no exception.  Like in real life relationships, the challenges of life hit them individually, like a barrage of baseballs, and it takes a toll first on them individually and then on their relationship. 

So far, I see a trend that continues to harm their connection when it could be an opportunity to draw them together:

They are very understanding of their own pain, but don’t sympathize with the other’s. 

Two examples.  Both Tobias and Tris go through genetic testing and discover that something is supposedly “wrong” with Tobias’ genes, but not Tris’.

Tris quickly comments, “It’s not that big a deal.”

Now I actually think she has a valid point here and that she’s trying to love and validate that “This doesn’t change anything.”

But here’s the problem, she doesn’t give Tobias a chance to simply struggle to his conclusion with her.  Tris dismisses the hurt he feels.  He then walks out to struggle on his own (and get lured to Nita).

Another example.  Tobias finds out that his father, for whom he has contempt, was not sentenced to execution, but to being banished.  Again Tris dismisses the effect this has on her boyfriend.  She outright says, “You can be upset about whatever you want….But…it doesn’t seem like there’s much to be upset about.”

And, like any good story, their chance to follow up the conversation is interrupted.

Relationships, friendship, family, or romantic, are blessings from Father.  Blessings must be held gently.  Heavy-handedness usually harms, not heals.  The beauty of Jesus was God coming into our world and fully experiencing the joy, pain, grief, fun, laughter, hurt, and death that we feel.  Hebrews 4 says, “We do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses.”

Tris is a great character, but we can learn from her mistakes.  Healthy relationships involve sympathizing with someone else’s weaknesses and feelings, even if they seem ridiculous from our perspective.  If you want to feel close to someone and, also if you want to see them move on from something, the first step is to ask, listen, and bear the feelings of the other person.