Why I Loved to Hate Hazel

Have you ever loved something partly because it bothered you?  It's kind of like when you look back on a tough time in your life and recognize that, if you could go back, you wouldn't change it because you're different, in a very good way, because of that experience.

Both of my posts on The Fault in Our Stars have been negative.  Yet, the more I think about it, I think that alone is due to the fact that the book engaged me both on an entertainment level and on a soul level.  It hurt to see this young girl facing death in her own life, and in her beloved's, and having this hopeless outlook at the same time.

While I criticized Hazel's supposed 'honesty' about suffering, I applaud her desire to not accept silly answers.  And that is something I share with her.  I have never been content with cliche answers to life, death, and especially spiritual issues.

I noticed something that began happening in the last few pages of the book that also sweetened my heart.

After her boyfriend Augustus dies, Hazel is angry, yet her loss seems to make her long for more than her "oblivion is inevitable" approach.

First, she reflects on her dad's comments (mentioned in the last post):
"What we want is to be noticed by the universe, to have the universe give a shit what happens to us--not the collective idea of sentient life but each of us, as individuals."

She begins to feel that Something in the universe knows her, individually.  She goes on to say,
"I was thinking about the universe wanting to be noticed, and how I had to notice it as best I could.  I felt I owed a debt to the universe that only my attention could repay."  

In the last few pages of the book, Hazel, for the first time, mentions heaven in an affirmative manner.  Her mom, she discovers, has been taking courses so she can be a grief counselor for kids with cancer after Hazel dies.  Hazel is ecstatic and exclaims:

"This is so great.  If I'm dead, I want you to know I will be sighing at you from heaven every time you ask someone to share their feelings."

In similar fashion, for the first time she also speaks of God.  She has heard that there is a high divorce

rate for couples who lose a child to cancer.  Hazel wants to know if her mom and dad will make it.  Her dad says,
"Your mom and I love each other, and if we lose you, we'll go through it together."
"Swear to God,"  I said.
"I swear to God," he said.

In the end, the fact that I was so irritated with Hazel showed the greatness of a book that did not just entertain me, but pulled at and wrestled with my soul.  And for that, I am grateful to John Green the author, and also to Hazel.