Why do girls go for bad guys?

As a girl, you may find yourself attracted to guys that are bad for you.  That might seem odd, but it happens all the time. 

Girls fall for 'bad boys' a lot. 

It makes sense, though, because there's something exciting about the rebellious, ambitious nature of these guys.  It's "hot," as they say.  Nice guys seem boring. 

But remember this: the nice guys are men too.  They can also be ambitious and exciting, but you have to give them a chance to show it.  It may not come out in tattoos, risky actions, or nasty pranks.  It may come out in grand visions for their futures, ambitions for careers, a passion for music or art or theatre or technology.  Nice guys can be great boyfriends.  Plus, they're less likely to use you!  Remember, "nice" means they know how to relate well.  Bad boys simply know how to be cool on the popularity street.  

My wife admits to dating a drug-using bad boy in high school.  She always hoped she could change him. It didn't work (it rarely does), and she got hurt. 

While "bad boys" seem tough and confident, it's often a façade.  They don't know how to face real life challenges with confidence, actually.  The 'nice guys' often know the real world-the one where there are jobs and responsibilities.  These are guys that will have the heart and guts to eventually take care of a woman, romance her, and make her a truly happy life. 

The immature bad boy, however, won't translate well into a twenty-something guy with a vision for a future.  Once they catch their 'hot chick' and marry her, they don't always know how to keep winning her heart, or how to provide a good life for her. 

Do yourself a favor and don't jump on the bandwagon of attraction.  It does cue you into something you like, but try to find that attribute in a guy that also has qualities that make him worth your time.

Does it matter what I watch, play, or listen to-Part 3

In some previous posts I began the discussion about what does a Jesus-follower do about reading, watching, listening, or playing entertainment that is questionable to some people?

Here is a story to add to that conversation.  Remember, it's my story and how the Father worked in it.  That doesn't mean it should be your story.  Just let it add to your process as you work through these issues with your Father.


So, in high school I was hardcore into heavy metal.  It was the most rebellious music at the time and I loved it's hard-hitting style and powerful guitar riffs.  AC/DC was my number one love.  I saw them in concert during The Razor's Edge tour, owned all their albums, wore their T-shirts regularly, and even bought import records from Australia. 

Along comes my freshmen year in high school when I met Jesus personally for the first time in my life.  He changed me.  I suddenly hungered to live my life following Him. 

One day, after school, I donned my Highway to Hell AC/DC shirt, not even thinking about the implications.  There was an art teacher at LW at the time that had become a spiritual mother to me.  She happened to see me in the hallways and questioned me about the shirt.

"But it's the only one with Bon Scott, the original singer on it!" I replied.

She said back simply, "Shouldn't what's on the outside of you reflect what's on the inside?"

That phrase lingered in me and I began to question my musical choices.  I feel like the Spirit was challenging me to stop listening to secular (non-Christian) music.  I realized that music had a profound impact on me, my thinking, and my moods.  I wanted to just feed my spirit with music that would build up my newfound relationship to the Father.

So, I trashed, literally, all my AC/DC stuff.  Then I explored, for the first time ever, the world of Christian music and found stuff I really loved. 

Here's where I went wrong, though.  I began to argue with others that they too should stop listening

to secular music.  I got into many arguments about this. 

At the time, I did not recognize that the Father's directions for me, were not necessarily his directions for everyone else (like Romans 14 talks about). 

Over time, too, I realized that I could listen to some secular music without it affecting me negatively like it once did.  That came several years later.  So, God was working on something in my life and when He was done, He moved on.

Here's what I learned:
1. You have to be honest with yourself about how your entertainment choices influence you.  Put aside the excuses and face it.  Really think about it.  The answer may be: violent video games really don't make me act or think any differently at all.  Or it may be: violent video games actually churn up aggression in me and I find myself taking it out on my siblings.

Few of us what to be honest about the fact that stuff affects us.  But when you can get to that level of transparency, look and ask your Father about it.  Let Him have some time to communicate with you about what's best.

2. Accept what God is challenging you to as a part of  his process of growing you.  He wants the best for you and you have to trust his prescription.  Maybe He's encouraging you to stop doing something, not because it's bad in and of itself, but because it's just not good for your spirit right now.  On the other hand, maybe His direction is not to ditch this or that, but to add in somethings in your life that will build up your relationship to God.

3. Realize that certain limitations may only be for a season.  Films with sex scenes were not good for me for a long time.  I just didn't want to "go there" mentally.  Now, as a happily married man, those scenes are not bothersome to my wife and me.  We can recognize what's good and bad, just like we can when we read about sex or rape in the Bible, and it doesn't influence us negatively.  As a single guy, though, I needed to be much more careful.

4. Don't take your convictions and assume they are for everybody else.  He's their Shepherd too and they have to listen to His voice, not yours.

5. Trust me, you can live without somethings that you are convinced you couldn't never part with.  If your Father is really calling you to make a sacrifice, He will give you satisfaction greater than what that game, music, or movie could ever provide.  Trust Him enough to believe this.

Friendship --> Dating Part 2

I mentioned in the last post the importance of really getting to know a person before you become an item, but that opened up a problem:

It’s hard to get to know someone of the opposite sex without people assuming you’re dating.  Plus, the other person may think you like them automatically just because you talk to them.  This leads to another issue: will the guy or girl get uncomfortable around you, then, because they think you like them?
 
So, let me preface my advice.  I’m older and married.  You can take that to mean I don’t understand.  But I do.  I was a teen too and I remember it.  The benefit I have now, though, is I have seen life on the other side of being a teenager and dating.  It’s like this: you, as a teen, are in the middle of a battle.  I’m in a plane now looking down at the whole war. 

To me, much of this comes down to

Risk.

All of the concerns I mentioned above are real and yes, you will feel them and they will at times hurt.  Largely, they deal with this: if you make a move toward someone of the opposite gender, people will assume things.  You will have to let that go. 

No, that is not easy whatsoever, but all the greatest things in life require you to go out on a limb BEFORE you know if the limb is perfect.  It’s a lot like faith.

If you’re a girl, for example, and you want to get to know a guy, or guys, you’re going to have to do somethings that others will point fingers at.  You’re going to have to make some first steps to talk or hangout with them or communicate with them.

You don’t even know if he’s right for you, right?  But you won’t know until you try these things.  Of course you can learn a lot about someone without ever talking to them.  If you know there are red flags already, don’t waste your time.  If he’s known for lewd jokes and messing around with girls, don’t try to get to know him in hopes that deep down he’s really a wonderful man…he isn’t, at least not at this point in his life.

So, will people think you like this person if you start talking to him in the Commons?  Probably.  What are you going to do?  Life has risks and so does love.  Of course, you don’t want to be known as a girl who flirts around all the time, so choose wisely.  Do your homework on a guy (find things out about him) before you decide he’s someone you want to make noticeable moves towards.

Is he going to act uncomfortable then?  Maybe.  If he ends up liking you, and you’re a good match, that will go away.  If he doesn’t like you, it probably won’t and you have to take the hint and back off.  I know that feels awful, but you don’t just walk into a car store and pick out the first model on the floor.  You have to throw a few wasted test drives in there usually.

As long as you’re interacting honorably with the guy or guys, then your reputation should have good standing.  What I mean is that you are communicating, having fun together.  Of course, there’s some flirting that will go on, but wait on that and when it feels right, let it be innocent and playful, not overt, aggressive, or suggestive.

Speaking to guys: All of this advice above is fine and dandy for girls, but I think nature, God really, made you to be the one to make these moves.  That doesn’t mean it’s wrong for a girl to do it, but I do think men have a courageous spirit in them that drives them to take risky action, especially to win a girl’s heart.  You don’t need to make these moves if you don’t want to.  But when you do, as the saying goes, “Just Do It.”  Be a man, in the classic sense.  Deal with rejection.  It’s your honor as a man to be that risk-taker and, trust me, girls will love you for it.  It shows them that you’re an honorable man with guts.  Again, it’s not easy, but it’s worth it.

All along here, I have assumed something, but some may not assume it.  The Father deeply wants to partner with you in your life, specifically your love life.  He wants to walk with you through the heartache and the joys, the pain and the pleasure.  He wants to hear your feelings and your frustrations.  Let him into this.  It is the Father’s good pleasure to be invited by you into your deepest feelings.

Ask him for wisdom.  Listen for His direction in your heart and mind.  Let him stir your feelings in directions and cool them in others.  Don’t fear Him.  Let Him love you.  Proverbs 3:5-6 puts it this way, “Seek the Lord with all your heart.  Don’t lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways, acknowledge him and he will direct your paths.” 

He longs to be a part of your life.

So...you are the ones in the trenches, though.  I'd love some feedback on what it's really like and if what I said makes sense there or not.  I don't have the definitive answers.  That's why conversation is good.  Share your reactions!

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