Are you ever surprised by your anger or anxiety?

Are you ever surpsied by yourself?  As in: not in a good way.

Does anger flare up at things that other people don't necessarily get angry about?

Does anxiety incapacitate you over things that others are able to handle normally?

Recently I listened to a psychologist, Dr. Steven Marmer, who had some interesting insights about these.  Here's what he suggested.

Nearly everyone of us has been hurt, betrayed, or slighted in life.  It's just the way life is.  Whether you've had terrible parents, wonderful parents, or no parents, they probably have hurt you.  Friends hurt us, relatives hurt us, strangers hurt us, and the list could go on.

We're able to move past most of these issues, but some hurts run deep and affect us repeatedly throughout life whether we realize it or not.  

Dr. Marmer says that many of us do what is called "transferrence."  This means that when someone does something to us that is even remotely like what a painful experience was like, we tend to transfer the same feelings there.  For example, if you had a critical dad, you may find yourself receiving any criticism, no matter how well-intended, the same way you received your dad's criticism.  In essence, you transfer those past feelings to the present situation even when it's not warranted.  

Marmer goes on to say that, unconsciously, we exert a "force multiplier."  Continuing the example above, let's say a coach corrects your form when shooting lay-ups.  The coach was just being helpful and wants to see you succeed, but without realizing it, your brain multiplies the force and interprets it as something you got from your critical dad.  So, correction about your lay-up form now has turned into you feeling worthless and like a failure.  

 So, what do you do?  Go back to your past.  

Spend time with God, yourself, or someone you trust and try to figure out if there is something in the past that is causing your strong reactions in the present.  Then begin to work through it.  Talk it out, face the anger, hurt, fear, disappointment, or pain surrounding that past situation.  Ask God, in time, to help you forgive those who wronged you.  And ask Him to help you see how your life now is being affected by what happened then.  Then ask Him to help you find a new way to live and react in new, healthy ways.  

You'll need to learn to see those transferrence situations and work to stop multiplying the force.  Also, don't avoid getting counseling.  It's not just for "screw ups."  It's for normal people who want to see change and admit that they need help to do it.  

Finally, remember that the Lord is the Lord of the future, the present, AND the past.  Go with him back into those painful memories and let Him begin the healing process for you.