Appearance Myth #1: Men can't control themselves

Not long ago I read the prequel to a book that we read later in the school year called The Prisoner of Zenda.  It’s called The Heart of Princess Osra.  Basically, every chapter follows the life of a different man who falls in love with Princess Osra.  Every one of them either must leave the country or die because her beauty has driven them mad with love.  In one case a man, who has disguised himself as a soldier to get close to her, ultimately decides to kill the princess so that honest men will no longer suffer because of her beauty.  He, of course, can’t do it, but instead dies to protect the Princess.  After this Osra asks the King to make her a nun so “that she might trouble honest men no more.”

This is an entertaining story to read, but is a pack of lies for girls.  Let me address five myths:

Myth #1: Men can’t control themselves.

Bull.  There are men who don’t control themselves, but that’s true of anyone, right?  What you wear, or how you look, doesn’t make a guy do anything.  In the Christian world we talk about girls causing guys “to stumble” by wearing clothing that might cause them to lust.  Girls don’t cause this.  This is important because lots of girls feel ashamed of themselves when they have been violated (physically or verbally or by text etc.) by a guy.  There is part of them that feels like they caused it or “asked” for it.  I’d like to drive 100mph on the highway because it would be a thrill, but I choose not to do it.  But, if I did, and got a ticket, I can’t say “movies with chase scenes” made me do it.  If a guy blamed you for a violation of his, he is lying. 

In the next post I'll address the next myth: It doesn’t matter what I wear or how I look.

How to find love

It seems that about 90% of songs, movies, or books are about finding love.  Even Disney's Frozen,
while being unique in that a sibling relationship was the focus of the film, still had a romantic love story running through it.

So, how do you find love?

There are a lot of practical tips to give, but I want to give one that you probably won't find in Teen Magazine.

To find love, make sure that you are loved.

Huh?

Yeah.  Sounds weird, right?

Here's the deal: if you see yourself as an empty cup that some future boyfriend or girlfriend will fill up with love there will be two problems:
1. They'll eventually fail you (humans have a tendency to do that :)
2. You will have expectations of them that they won't be able to fill in the long run.

In both cases, you end up a half-full or even an empty cup.

But what if you already felt loved?  What if, being securely loved already by someone else, you could then enjoy a relationship with someone without expecting them to be your 'all in all' or to 'make' you happy?

One of the ancient Psalm writers wrote, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."  Another of the Psalmists wrote, "Find rest, O my soul, in God alone.  My hope comes from him."

Do you truly believe you are loved by God?  Do you believe He loves you, not just your accomplishments?  Do you believe He thinks about you, even when you're not in church?  Do you believe He really cares about your daily life, your struggles, your joys, the things that make you laugh, and the things that get under your skin?

The cross was not just about forgiveness.  It was also about making a very clear statement to each of us individually, that He is willing to do whatever it takes to bridge the gap between us and Him.

If you can truly trust and live inside of the Father's love and affection, you will find that you don't have to be so desperate about getting a boyfriend or girlfriend.

But also, when you do get one, the pressure is off: He doesn't need to make you happy.  She doesn't need to make you worthy.  You're already loved.  Now you can enjoy simply blessing the other person and bringing extra joy to their life.

Plus, you also have the peace knowing that if you come to the conclusion that you aren't meant for each other, you can break up, and still have peace and love in your heart, despite the pain and hurt that naturally comes from breaking up.

So, how do you find love?  The first place, I believe, is to fill your cup with His love first.

Why do girls go for bad guys?

As a girl, you may find yourself attracted to guys that are bad for you.  That might seem odd, but it happens all the time. 

Girls fall for 'bad boys' a lot. 

It makes sense, though, because there's something exciting about the rebellious, ambitious nature of these guys.  It's "hot," as they say.  Nice guys seem boring. 

But remember this: the nice guys are men too.  They can also be ambitious and exciting, but you have to give them a chance to show it.  It may not come out in tattoos, risky actions, or nasty pranks.  It may come out in grand visions for their futures, ambitions for careers, a passion for music or art or theatre or technology.  Nice guys can be great boyfriends.  Plus, they're less likely to use you!  Remember, "nice" means they know how to relate well.  Bad boys simply know how to be cool on the popularity street.  

My wife admits to dating a drug-using bad boy in high school.  She always hoped she could change him. It didn't work (it rarely does), and she got hurt. 

While "bad boys" seem tough and confident, it's often a façade.  They don't know how to face real life challenges with confidence, actually.  The 'nice guys' often know the real world-the one where there are jobs and responsibilities.  These are guys that will have the heart and guts to eventually take care of a woman, romance her, and make her a truly happy life. 

The immature bad boy, however, won't translate well into a twenty-something guy with a vision for a future.  Once they catch their 'hot chick' and marry her, they don't always know how to keep winning her heart, or how to provide a good life for her. 

Do yourself a favor and don't jump on the bandwagon of attraction.  It does cue you into something you like, but try to find that attribute in a guy that also has qualities that make him worth your time.

Friendship --> Dating Part 2

I mentioned in the last post the importance of really getting to know a person before you become an item, but that opened up a problem:

It’s hard to get to know someone of the opposite sex without people assuming you’re dating.  Plus, the other person may think you like them automatically just because you talk to them.  This leads to another issue: will the guy or girl get uncomfortable around you, then, because they think you like them?
 
So, let me preface my advice.  I’m older and married.  You can take that to mean I don’t understand.  But I do.  I was a teen too and I remember it.  The benefit I have now, though, is I have seen life on the other side of being a teenager and dating.  It’s like this: you, as a teen, are in the middle of a battle.  I’m in a plane now looking down at the whole war. 

To me, much of this comes down to

Risk.

All of the concerns I mentioned above are real and yes, you will feel them and they will at times hurt.  Largely, they deal with this: if you make a move toward someone of the opposite gender, people will assume things.  You will have to let that go. 

No, that is not easy whatsoever, but all the greatest things in life require you to go out on a limb BEFORE you know if the limb is perfect.  It’s a lot like faith.

If you’re a girl, for example, and you want to get to know a guy, or guys, you’re going to have to do somethings that others will point fingers at.  You’re going to have to make some first steps to talk or hangout with them or communicate with them.

You don’t even know if he’s right for you, right?  But you won’t know until you try these things.  Of course you can learn a lot about someone without ever talking to them.  If you know there are red flags already, don’t waste your time.  If he’s known for lewd jokes and messing around with girls, don’t try to get to know him in hopes that deep down he’s really a wonderful man…he isn’t, at least not at this point in his life.

So, will people think you like this person if you start talking to him in the Commons?  Probably.  What are you going to do?  Life has risks and so does love.  Of course, you don’t want to be known as a girl who flirts around all the time, so choose wisely.  Do your homework on a guy (find things out about him) before you decide he’s someone you want to make noticeable moves towards.

Is he going to act uncomfortable then?  Maybe.  If he ends up liking you, and you’re a good match, that will go away.  If he doesn’t like you, it probably won’t and you have to take the hint and back off.  I know that feels awful, but you don’t just walk into a car store and pick out the first model on the floor.  You have to throw a few wasted test drives in there usually.

As long as you’re interacting honorably with the guy or guys, then your reputation should have good standing.  What I mean is that you are communicating, having fun together.  Of course, there’s some flirting that will go on, but wait on that and when it feels right, let it be innocent and playful, not overt, aggressive, or suggestive.

Speaking to guys: All of this advice above is fine and dandy for girls, but I think nature, God really, made you to be the one to make these moves.  That doesn’t mean it’s wrong for a girl to do it, but I do think men have a courageous spirit in them that drives them to take risky action, especially to win a girl’s heart.  You don’t need to make these moves if you don’t want to.  But when you do, as the saying goes, “Just Do It.”  Be a man, in the classic sense.  Deal with rejection.  It’s your honor as a man to be that risk-taker and, trust me, girls will love you for it.  It shows them that you’re an honorable man with guts.  Again, it’s not easy, but it’s worth it.

All along here, I have assumed something, but some may not assume it.  The Father deeply wants to partner with you in your life, specifically your love life.  He wants to walk with you through the heartache and the joys, the pain and the pleasure.  He wants to hear your feelings and your frustrations.  Let him into this.  It is the Father’s good pleasure to be invited by you into your deepest feelings.

Ask him for wisdom.  Listen for His direction in your heart and mind.  Let him stir your feelings in directions and cool them in others.  Don’t fear Him.  Let Him love you.  Proverbs 3:5-6 puts it this way, “Seek the Lord with all your heart.  Don’t lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways, acknowledge him and he will direct your paths.” 

He longs to be a part of your life.

So...you are the ones in the trenches, though.  I'd love some feedback on what it's really like and if what I said makes sense there or not.  I don't have the definitive answers.  That's why conversation is good.  Share your reactions!

Friendship --> Dating: How to

So I was recently asked by a freshman, "If you're friends with a guy and you both like each other,

how do you move things along?"  (I mention 'freshmen' only because there are different issues at different ages)

I asked my wife what she would say and she replied, "Don't move things along."

:)

Now, let me clarify what she means.  She's not wagging her finger saying, 'No dating, young people!'  What she's after is that sometimes we are too eager to move quickly in relationships. 

We are inundated with romance images all around us.  Music videos, songs, movies, TV shows, all of them are full of people making out and more.  So, to say take things slowly, it seems to be asking you to miss out.

But what if I were to tell you that taking it slow would actually increase your relationship satisfaction? 

Nobody gets a better marriage (which is really the whole point, right?) by getting in and out of as many dating relationships as possible.

Taking it "slow" actually means to pay attention to the real heart of what relationships are all about: relating.  This means really getting to know someone and enjoying that, not just making out in a movie theater.  Having fun with someone gives you a chance to discover two things:

1. What they're like
2. What you're like

The first one makes sense, but how often do we just date people because they're cute or available?  Why not actually study this guy you like.  Of course, to do this, you've got to be around him in different circumstances.  Does he treat his friends well, is he snarky with his parents, is he responsible, does he encourage people, does he have a sense of humor, can he ask interesting questions, does he listen to others or just do all the talking?   

The second one may seem odd, but knowing yourself will help you figure out what's going on in your heart with a guy.  Observing what you're like, what means love to you, what sets you off, what bothers you.  These kinds of things help you determine who you would be good with. 

For example, let's say you honestly feel really good when your parents or friends say good stuff about you.  Not everyone has that same reaction.  You are unique, and encouraging words fill up your specific "love tank." 

If you like a guy, watch if he uses his words to encourage others.  If he does, he might be a worthy match for you.  On the other hand, if he's sarcastic all the time, or doesn't say a whole lot, he may not be worth your time.

Maybe words aren't a huge deal to you.  Maybe you feel the most love when people make time to just hang out and do stuff with you.  So, does this guy make time for his friends?  Does he make time for his family? 

There's so much more to say here, like:
1. What if you're attracted to someone without those qualities
2. If you do think it's time to move things along, how do you go about it?
3. When it comes to dating, is risk a good or bad thing?
4. Does God care about any of this stuff?

I'll try to address some of these in upcoming posts.

How to get a guy to do what you want him to

(This is a post I wrote for the marriage blog that my wife and I write, but while marriage is a ways off for most of you, I'm convinced that the more you learn about the opposite sex and the earlier, the more successful you'll be at relationships)

Psst. Want to get a man to do what you want him to?

Here's how:

Accept that he doesn't want to do it.

Uh, really.

I know this does not seem helpful, but let me explain.

Taking out the trash, cutting the lawn, moving the furniture around, cleaning the dishes, putting the kids down at night...none of it, for a man, is worth doing.

Great, right?

Here's the thing: for a woman, just completing those tasks is satisfying.  Not so for him.  He works hard at his job.  Those tasks are not intrinsically motivating.

But something else WILL motivate him.

A man is hard-wired (by God I would say) to yearn to be a hero, especially his woman's hero.  A hero is eager to do a task when he knows exactly how it will rescue someone.

So, if he only thinks that the dirty dishes annoy you, that is not motivating to a hero.

He needs to know what it will provide for you.

For example, "Sweetheart, when you take care of the dishes after dinner, it really makes me feel appreciated and helps me enjoy making nice meals for our family.  Plus, it gives me time to relax so I can be in better spirits to enjoy our evening together.

Suddenly, washing the dishes becomes an act of heroism.  He now knows what it provides for you.  Nothing else is as motivating to us guys as providing for our woman.

This is distinct from nagging.  That demotivates because it implies that you don't think he wants to help you and it also doesn't give him a chance to be a hero.  It only gives him a chance to get off your back.

As Alison Armstrong puts it, "You are the person for whom he most wants to be, and needs to be, a hero. This means you are the center of his results. You are the reason for his results.  Men play for points. And it is your points that he wants the most."

Excerpt From: Alison A. Armstrong. “The Queen's Code.” Routledge. iBooks.
This material may be protected by copyright.

Relationships 101: Guys, Hold the Barf Can

In this past post we talked about how girls can understand guy's nature to want to find the point of what a girl is saying.

 Guys, when you're listening you want to find out "the point."

Girls, generally, do not operate this way.  Talking for them has value in and of itself.  Science shows that positive chemicals are emitted inside women purely from talking.

When a girl is upset, specifically, often she needs you to just hold the bucket.

In essence, she just needs to barf out all of her feelings and thoughts.  You just need to stand there and hold the barf can.

For some guys it is hard to see how this has value, but to a girl, this is how she gets to solutions.

Here are three reasons for you to take this advice:

1. She's different than you.  

John Gray in Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus said that women have a well inside of them.  When upset, they go in the well and they need to get all the way to the bottom.  It will seem like she's getting worse initially, but that's because she needs to go all the way down.  Once she hits the bottom, then, and only then, she can come up.


2. It's actually the way to help SOLVE her problem.

As a guy, what you can do is help her get to the bottom of the well by listening, asking questions, and letting her express.  She even may eventually want advice (what you've been wanting to give aaaall along!).

3. It takes off the pressure.

While everything inside of you usually is going crazy trying to figure out how to fix your lady's situation, if you know she's just in the well, you can relax, knowing that she doesn't need you to figure it all out.  The best solution is holding the can.

So, next time your girlfriend, sister, yes even your mom seems to be headed into the well, happily grab that trash can, put the other arm around her, and let her have a go!

Relationships 101: The Question on Every Guy's Mind

What is the point?!!

This is the thought running through every guy's head as he's listening to his girl.

Girls can get mad at this part of the male approach to listening or they can try to understand it.  And isn't that what we all want?

Guys, for the record, can be very good listeners.  The key, of course, is that since they are focused by nature, that's all they can do when listening.

So avoid trying to talk about something of value to a guy between classes, when he's trying to get somewhere, when he's transitioning from softball practice, or while he's attempting to accomplish something.  Get to him when he can focus.

Now that he's focused, he'll be all there for you.  Guys are really good at this when they can give you their full attention.

Next, he's thinking "What's the point?"  Why?  By design, guys want to be heroes.  They are trying to determine what your problem is so that they can help fix it.  They want to rescue you.  This is one way love takes expression for a man.  Don't despise it.

However, you may not have a point.  You may just need to share something or many things.  Understanding his result-focused nature, telling him how he can help.  For example, "Hey, I need to get somethings off my mind about ________.  I may not really have a point.  It would really help me a lot if you could listen to my thoughts for a few minutes."

This is helpful for him because:
1. you've told him what you're doing.
2. he doesn't have to hunt for a "point."
3. You've explained how he can help you, as in listen.

Also, don't hint.  Hinting is (let's be honest) childish.  Hinting is a way of saying, "If you really loved me, you'd read my mind."  Guess what?  It's impossible...even if you can't believe he can't tell!!  Be direct.  Guys need that.  Just give it to him.  

In other words, get to the point! 

Give these suggestions a shot and I think you'll find your relationships with guys very different.

Relationship Training 101: love me as I am

As we raise our kids, we realize just how much healthy relationship skills are not natural.

Yet, notice how we spend years in school preparing for a career, but get almost no training in how to have good relationships, particularly romantic and marriage ones.

And, let's be honest, the marriage relationship you will someday have will have an impact on your life far greater than any career ever will.

Now, I know a lot of my readers are teens, but even if you're 15, consider that for some of you, marriage is really only 7 years away (i.e. I got married at 22).

With all that said, let's launch:

Relationship Training 101!

Ok, picture this sexy scene:

My lovely fiancee, sitting next to me in a car, looks over and says, "Have you ever cut your ear hair?"

Excuse me?!

She explained that she would like it if I cut my...ear hair.

Cue my offense.  I made some hurt-filled remark about thinking she should love me as I am!

Oh, how far we've come.  It took years for us both to realize "love me as I am" often means "I don't want to change for you."

What used to be offensive to each other is now actually fun!  We want to do the things that the other finds sexy or just plain nice.  Why?  Because we now WANT to bless the other.

So, Beth has learned to wear heels just for me!  For my recent birthday, we even went clothes shopping for her and she bought cute clothes that I liked.

I've gotten myself working out more because Beth likes to see my muscles more toned.  And, yes...I cut my ear hair regularly!  :)

Each of the above was outside of our norm, but that's one thing love does: it makes you do crazy
things because you want to bless the other.

This whole situation probably doesn't apply much to a casual or an early dating relationship, but in one that has gone long-term, and of course, in marriage.  It certainly doesn't apply when your significant other is asking something of you that goes against your values or morals.  

Here's the action point: In a long-term relationship, you've got to take the risk to communicate what you'd like.  Ideally, you have to find some time when you're both relaxed and chatty and lovingly, gently say, "There's something I'd really like and would mean a lot of love to me.  Would you mind if I share it?"  Then, and this is key, say, "And after me, I'd love for you to share some ways I could do somethings you'd like too."

A Swimsuit Issue of Men?

By now, if you are around the news at all, even via Yahoo,  you've probably heard about, or at least seen, the cover of  Sports Illustrated's swimsuit issue.  Some of you may even have a copy lying on the coffee table at home.  I do not, but the controversy surrounding the latest cover is quite interesting.  One particularly frustrated reaction about the cover came in a CNN article titled: "Why no Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue of Men?"


Interesting question.  Why don't they have a swimsuit issue with guys in swimwear?

The intellectuals out there are so bothered by this!  People with graduate degrees in Gender Studies raise their arms in dismay!

Yet...my grandmother, who never graced the door of a college or maybe even a high school, could tell you the answer.  Men are aroused visually to a degree incomparable to women. 

Yes, women appreciate a good-looking man, but most adult women don't get turned on by seeing the leg of a random dude.  A guy wearing a small bathing suit would be cause for chuckles, not awe. 

As Jesus-followers we have had a long history of granting saint-status to women's mode of attraction.  They are lured by a whole person, a person with a story.  That's why romance novels and romantic comedies are so alluring to them.  They might enjoy a picture of some hot famous man, but not typically by an anonymous one.  They like a specific guy with a story.

Are they better?  Are women better able to reflect God this way?  Are men just more sinful because they get turned on by visual means so easily?

I would suggest that God made both men and women different and both are valid. 

Both sexes have to fight their natures.  Men have to fight their sex drives so that it doesn't harm others and that it is channeled toward an honest, loving relationship (ultimately marriage). 

But women have their fight too against their nature.  Women are prone to be overly emotional, to
think with feelings instead of reason, to manipulate relationships, and to have outbursts (I'm being general of course.  There are always exceptions).  They too have to learn to restrain their bad sides and to channel their emotional energies in healthy ways.

Women are often given a pass and instead, too often, men's sexual designs are vilified.  The author of the CNN article illustrates this when she asks, "If the point (of the SI Swimsuit Edition) is to objectify women, and subvert them in some way, then why isn't there a similar model for men?"

This charge is often leveled at men: they just "objectify" women.  They turn them into sex objects.

I used to make this argument as well.  But what does it mean?  Here is what I think "they" mean: men are turned on by looks, and when they are, they see (read "value") women only as objects for sexual desire and nothing else. 

I would like to stand up and pronounce what most (of course there are bad men, just as there are bad women) men have known for centuries: Men can walk and chew gum at the same time. 

A man can find a woman utterly attractive and alluring, and...(are you ready for this?)...ALSO recognize her as smart, intelligent, professional, capable, competent, even a genius. 

Most grown-up men do not have a problem with this.  God bless the man who marries a woman that he respects as a competent, intelligent person, but also sees her as a delightful source of sexual and relational pleasure.  Isn't this what we all long for? 

I recently heard a man talk about his parents who died a few years ago.  He remarked that his mom kept herself looking sexy (we usually say 'attractive') for her husband until she was 89 years old (In the last year of her life, she was hospitalized and unable to tend to her appearance).  His mom was not subjugating herself or falling into some male scheme of being objectified; she understood how the man she loved was attracted and she strove to bless him, just as in the same way he reached out to the ways she was attracted.  That is what marriage does.  We don't marry a twin.  We marry someone different and we long to meet each other's needs, even when they are different from our own.

In closing, I do want to acknowledge that the SI cover is hyper-sexual and there are moral issues to address as to whether it should grace the cover of such a publication that ends up, in many cases, on the coffee tables of many households for children to behold.  My point in this post was not to address that, but to use it as a springboard to recognize the God-designed differences of male and female sexuality.

Oh, and check out Proverbs 5:18-19.  It shows that the Bible has something to say about this subject too!

Guilty of Lust? Part 2

Here's the rest of the quote from Is It Lust or Legalism by Brad Watson.

In Jesus' teaching, the man who compromises the marriage of another has a heart tainted by sin.  He has acted out of a heart filled with sinful lust and a spirit of adultery.  The lust is not there in his heart because of a night dream, a mental picture, or even a sexual fantasy.  He is not guilty because of sexual desire, but because he has made a heart decision to pursue a sinful course of action by making unlawful sexual advances on someone else's wife.  Even if he never fully succeeds in "going all the way," in Jesus' book, he is still an adulterer - maybe not physical adultery, but certainly an "adultery of the heart." 

Up to this point we have been discussing the unlawful pursuit of married women.  What about chasing after a married man, someone might ask?  In Biblical times it was lawful for a man to have multiple wives, so unmarried women could legally pursue marriage to men that were already married.  This is why the Law only referenced adultery as a sin which occurred with a married woman.  In today's society, with polygamy outlawed in most places, adultery would obviously include illicit pursuit of a married man as well as chasing after a wedded wife.

Interestingly, however, this scripture really has nothing directly to say about courting or dating behavior between unmarried people.  Many young people with hormones raging have been confused and discouraged by this passage.  How can they even pursue a spouse in a godly way without becoming sexually aroused to some degree?  And how can single people who are "looking" for a spouse keep from looking longingly into the eyes of someone with whom they are developing a loving relationship?  Thankfully, Jesus was not outlawing arousal, desire, or dating.  He was simply making the point that going after someone else's spouse was adultery from the start.  It violated God's law of love by underminding a marriage covenant and stealing from someone else.  But pursuing a romantic relationship with someone that is unmarried should not be considered wrong as long as it is free from manipulation or control and is properly submitted to godly counsel and authority.

(On a side note, I'm not sure what he means by "submitted to godly counsel and authority."  I'm assuming its a fancy way of saying that you have to be smart not to blow off good people's-those who know and love you-opinions when it comes to who you are dating.  When you're in love it's hard to hear what you don't want to hear.)

Stay out of bed

A few posts ago I quoted from this book that my wife and I are reading called The Birth Order Connection.  Over and over again we are amazed at Leman's real-life practical relationship wisdom.  I came across another quote that I wanted to share.

I know that in Christian circles you hear the "wait until marriage" mantra when it comes to sex.  I wanted to share Leman's version because, while he is a Christian, his book is not written for just them.  He has some interesting insights from having counseled couples as a psychologist for decades.  Here it is:

To stop means you're going to have to rise above your feelings.  One of the best ways to do this, frankly, is to stay out of bed.  I don't want to sound like a broken record, but premarital sexual intimacy has led more people into disastrous marriages than I could possibly count in my lifetime.  Sex masks what is really going on in a dating relationship.  Your body will betray your mind if you let it. 

Instead of being carried away by passion, make a few mental notes.  "What is it about this guy that is attracting me?"  "Why do I find myself drawn to this woman?"  As part of this analysis, you need to be aware of your weaknesses, whatever they may be: "I might be a bit starved for attention these days and easily overwhelmed by the fact that somebody actually wants to spend time with me.  I need to be careful."  Or this: "We always seem to have a good time, provided we end up in the sack.  I wonder what a date would be like if I told him I don't want to sleep with him anymore?"

Be bold and courageous in searching out your greatest fears.  If you suspect he may leave if you no longer sleep with him, try it out!  Confirm or dispel your suspicions; that's what dating is for.  If he hangs around, this relationship just may have a future.

One of the things I really think is valuable here is: sex ties you to someone before you know if you want to be tied to them.  Living together does the same thing.  It locks you in more significantly than the depth or commitment of your relationship really is.  I'd say we need to get back to what dating is really about: "trying people out" to see if they're worth marrying.  Yes, have fun, enjoy it, laugh, and so on, but do so with this in mind: I want to leave the 'exit' door open.  The more intimate you get, the tighter the exit door becomes. 

We all know that people start off dating on their best behavior because they want to impress.  That's okay; that's normal.  But remember that in time you will see more of the real person they truly are.  So, he or she may seem like the best thing that ever happened to you for the first few months, but give it time.  Go slow physically.  You will n e v e r regret going slow. 

So, let's say you give it time and you really do see a future.  Yes, you can feel free to narrow the exit.  Still, though, pace yourself.  No one gets married and says, "Gee, I wish we had jumped in the sack more (or at all) before we got married."

Again, Father has our happiness in mind.  He's really smart and this shows that his ideas make sense for us and our relational happiness.

Living Together?

This is a segment I took directly from this book by Kevin Leman that my wife and I are reading:

From early sex, today's dating darlings typically advance to "shacking up," or living together without being married.  The number of unmarried couples who live together in America increased by close to 1,000 percent between 1960 and 1998.  Whereas cohabitation before marriage was an anomaly in the early 1900s, today, over half of all marriages include some form of premarital cohabitation.

Supposedly, this living together is a form of trial marriage, a way of gathering vital information about a partner's character, but guess what?  This so-called "weeding-out" process actually works against the intended goal of lifelong, fulfilling marriage!  Instead of pulling weeds, it plants them!

A recent Penn State study found that couples who live together before getting married have poorer

communication skills when trying to solve a problem than those who didn't cohabit prior to marriage.  Study coauthor Catherine Cohan suggested that cohabitants "may have less invested in the relationship, leading them not to try to develop their skills."

Numerous studies have shown that cohabitation results in hurting women and men who have suffered numerous relational breakups, creating an ever-growing distrust of future relationships.  Such "quasi-commitments" actually weaken the mutual dedication and perseverance that is all-important for a successful marriage.  It's not too surprising, then, when Popenoe and Whitehead point out that only one in ten last five years or more.  Sadly, every one of these failed, cohabiting relationships makes you a little less fit to enjoy a lifelong, satisfying marriage.

I have counseled thousands of couples, before and after marriage.  Some of them have lived together before tying the knot.  Others never moved in together, but spent their share of time heating up the sheets.  Still others managed to stay of out bed and kept their own address until the day they got married.  Without equivocation I can say that if you want a marriage that takes you from your twenties until the day you die, that fulfills you and inspires others, that results in kindred-spirit communication and soul-mate loyalty, having sex before marriage and living together before marriage will take you in the wrong direction.  That's not the best way to find your true love.

Is It Lust?

One of the challenges of life is that love is interwoven with sexual desire.  Desire, however, operates inside of each of us, regardless of whether we are in a romantic relationship or not.

So, what do you do with it?  One side of our world says to do whatever you want.  It doesn't really matter.  Then, for some of us who are Christ-followers, we have another community around us that has opinions about how to deal with our sexual desires.  In my experiences, that community often strives to give us lots of "NO's", but doesn't often speak to the reality of the intensity of our urges.

One author that, I believe, writes with more clarity than almost any other I have found is Brad Watson, a pastor, and an author of the book Is It Lust or Legalism.  He wrote an article in Charisma Magazine that gives a taste of what God taught him on this subject.  Check it out here:  Is It Lust or Legalism?

I'd like to get some dialogue running about Brad's article.


After reading Brad's article, here are some questions I think that are worth exploring:

Is this practical?
Is Watson giving too much freedom to our thoughts?
Is Watson's advice similar or different to what you've been taught elsewhere?
Do you think he's right?
Should we even care about this stuff?

Dating INward

Love is not just the domain of chick flicks and cheesy pop songs.  Love is also the domain of the greatest literature and art in the history of mankind.  Even God, when trying to explain the intensity of the passion between the Messiah and His people, compared them to the passion between a bride and a groom.

This is because one of the most dangerous, exciting, and satisfying journeys of life is the adventure of finding and learning to love one person, and love them well.

One contemporary author who writes a great deal about love is Debra K. Fileta.  She is a regular relationship columnist for Relevant Magazine.  Read her article: Here's How to Find True Love


I'd like to get some dialogue running about Fileta's three concepts of dating inward, outward, and upward.

After reading about dating inward in her article, here are some questions I think that are worth exploring:

What in the world does it mean to "get to know yourself"?
Why is dating inward important to a relationship?

Dating UPward

Love is not just the domain of chick flicks and cheesy pop songs.  Love is also the domain of the greatest literature and art in the history of mankind.  Even God, when trying to explain the intensity of the passion between the Messiah and His people, compared them to the passion between a bride and a groom.

This is because one of the most dangerous, exciting, and satisfying journeys of life is the adventure of finding and learning to love one person, and love them well.

One contemporary author who writes a great deal about love is Debra K. Fileta.  She is a regular relationship columnist for Relevant Magazine.  Read her article: Here's How to Find True Love



I'd like to get some dialogue running about Fileta's three concepts of dating inward, outward, and upward.

After reading about dating upward in her article, here are some questions I think that are worth exploring:

How does a normal teen actually do this?
What does it practically mean to allow God's "definition of love to permeate your relationships"?
How will dating look differently if God is involved?

Can Love Really Last?

If I just find the right one then...

If I just marry a good guy then...
If I just marry someone who is a Christian then...
If I just find someone who has the same sense of humor then...
If I just end up with a girl that likes the same stuff as me then...

...then I will stay in love forever.
...then I will always feel this way.
...then we will always be happy.

You probably have figured out by now that the above statements are not true.  So, what are your options? 

Despair    or    Denial.

Despair: romance never lasts so you take it while you can. (That's sad)
Denial: I'm different and I'll find lasting romance. (Good luck)

I'd like to propose "D" number 3: Determined.

Falling in love is aptly named.  Most people find themselves "falling" into it.  It's almost as if the invisible Cupid shot an arrow.  How you meet someone and fall in love is mysterious and wonder-full. 

It makes sense, then, to think, like most people do, that it is natural to stay in the love that you fell into (assuming you found the "right" person of course).

But it doesn't.  And the sooner you realize it, the happier you will be.  Romance, long-term romance, life-lasting romance, requires determined effort. 

You must believe that it can happen, that you can be "in love" for a lifetime, but that it will not "just happen" and is a lot harder than it seems. 

Romance is feelings-based and anyone who has lived long enough realizes that feelings don't stay constant.  They go up and down.  Just think about how you feel about your parents or siblings! 

To maintain a feeling, you have to cultivate it with actions.  These things are natural in the early stages of a relationship because that's all you really do together is cultivate your relationship.  You go on dates, you text each other, you write sweet notes, you dress up for the other, you put on cologne, you buy gifts, you think about the other, and so on.

When you get married, or even if you date for a lengthy amount of time, you begin to do 'routine' life together.  For married people that includes doing dishes, cutting the grass, raising children, going to work, cleaning the house.  For dating people that can be things like studying together, going to siblings' birthday parties, sitting in study hall or eating lunch at the same table, going to a football game together. 

When routine sets in, that's when you have to be Determined-determine to fan the fire of your romance.  This sounds very unromantic, but send a text even when you're tired, write a note even when you're busy with other things, say encouraging words even when you're in a bad mood, be affectionate even if your mind is preoccupied with work or homework, say something kind instead something snarky when you're annoyed. 

Romance is a fire that will slowly, but surely, die out if you don't keep putting wood on the fire and move the sticks around to give the right air flow-especially when you don't feel the 'mood.'

I have seen people give up on the fire in real life all the time.  They stop doing the things that attracted them to each other in the first place.  Resentment sets in, bitterness arises, defensiveness seals off openness, and anger takes the place of sweetness. 

So, you're a teen or young adult.  Why care about all this now?  If you plan on becoming a doctor, would you say, "Well, I'm not a doctor yet, so why should I learn about medicine now?"  No, you'd go to school and start studying bio!  Do the same with romance now: Be Determined.

The Heat of Homecoming

Ever notice how feeling the ‘heat of the moment’ makes you do things that you normally wouldn’t?  For some people this is the only way they get school projects done!  Other times people make awesome spikes in volleyball or 3 pointers in basketball in the heat of the game. 

Homecoming does this too.  Guys that otherwise are pretty shy, for example, actually work up the guts
to ask girls to the dance.  The pressure actually brings out some good! 

Then there’s the other side of heat.  You know what I’m talking about.  The dumb moves.  Everybody does those and if you avoid them all together you’ll never take a risk.  YOLO.  I can’t believe I just wrote that.

But there are some things worth avoiding and usually you can see them coming.  All dances, but particularly the biggies like Homecoming and Prom, give us a lot of ‘heat of the moment’ opportunities.  That’s one thing that makes them a blast, but they can also create memories you wish you never had.

A guy, while slow dancing, begins to drop his hand way below the small of your back.  Or your date gets a lot closer to you than you want.  An upper classman sneaks alcohol into the dance and you, being younger, feel stupid turning down their offer to try it out.

A lot of stuff happens after the dance.  Maybe it’s a sleepover, maybe it’s a party, maybe it’s just in the car with friends on the way home.  Either way, stuff can happen.  Maybe there’s some drinking going on, and a girl who seems really out of it is looking really good and is all over you.  Situations like that can happen quite easily.  At the end of the night two people’s lives have changed forever.

I know a girl who is still working through what happened to her 10 years ago when a guy, without her permission, on a date touched her very intimately while seeing a play.  Something simple can get very complicated very fast.

When some people were wondering how to follow Jesus He told them, “If anyone would come after me, let him take up his cross daily.”  Picking up a cross takes a lot of effort, not to mention carrying it.  Plus, you’ve got to make a decision to do it in the first place, a decision where you decide whether you’re a cross bearer or not.

If you’re a cross bearer, then start to pray and think: what will that look like for me, specifically?  How will your life look differently compared to people who aren’t pulling a cross around? 

When it comes to Homecoming, how does being a cross bearer affect how that evening turns out? 

Guys, how can you really make your date feel honored and lovely, as opposed to making her feel like

your opportunity to cop a feel?  How can you make her feel incredibly beautiful and special because you, yes you, took her to dinner and that dance?  And this is true whether you’re going as friends or as a couple.  Even if you’re not ‘interested,’ make her feel like a diamond.  Jesus had a way of making each person feel that way.  You can do the same.

Girls, I hate to put it this way, but you have to watch out for aggressors.  Most guys aren’t, but there are enough of them.  Plus, there are a lot of immature guys that don’t think through their actions.  How can you choose wisely who you go to the dance with?  What situations can you plan on avoiding so you’re not stuck in a situation where you feel the pressure of ‘heat’?  Cross bearing for you may be more about honoring yourself enough to be wise.  It may also mean looking for a guy that is hot, fun, AND knows how to walk like His Savior (just a hint: that kind of guy just might be lurking behind a nerdy exterior).

Now, some of you are going with someone that you do, in fact, want to be romantically involved with.  God loves this and wants to be with you in this.  So, what might it look like, as a cross bearer, to communicate your feelings (verbally or other) in a way that respects the other?  Think creatively.  Ultimately, that’s what romance is anyway.

The dance of romance is complicated.  Our hope to avoid some of the situations I’ve mentioned is not intended to steal the mystery out of it.  Enjoy the fun of Homecoming.  Yet, maybe the heart of it is to protect the ‘fun’ part by keeping the ‘heat’ in check.