Are you ever surprised by your anger or anxiety?

Are you ever surpsied by yourself?  As in: not in a good way.

Does anger flare up at things that other people don't necessarily get angry about?

Does anxiety incapacitate you over things that others are able to handle normally?

Recently I listened to a psychologist, Dr. Steven Marmer, who had some interesting insights about these.  Here's what he suggested.

Nearly everyone of us has been hurt, betrayed, or slighted in life.  It's just the way life is.  Whether you've had terrible parents, wonderful parents, or no parents, they probably have hurt you.  Friends hurt us, relatives hurt us, strangers hurt us, and the list could go on.

We're able to move past most of these issues, but some hurts run deep and affect us repeatedly throughout life whether we realize it or not.  

Dr. Marmer says that many of us do what is called "transferrence."  This means that when someone does something to us that is even remotely like what a painful experience was like, we tend to transfer the same feelings there.  For example, if you had a critical dad, you may find yourself receiving any criticism, no matter how well-intended, the same way you received your dad's criticism.  In essence, you transfer those past feelings to the present situation even when it's not warranted.  

Marmer goes on to say that, unconsciously, we exert a "force multiplier."  Continuing the example above, let's say a coach corrects your form when shooting lay-ups.  The coach was just being helpful and wants to see you succeed, but without realizing it, your brain multiplies the force and interprets it as something you got from your critical dad.  So, correction about your lay-up form now has turned into you feeling worthless and like a failure.  

 So, what do you do?  Go back to your past.  

Spend time with God, yourself, or someone you trust and try to figure out if there is something in the past that is causing your strong reactions in the present.  Then begin to work through it.  Talk it out, face the anger, hurt, fear, disappointment, or pain surrounding that past situation.  Ask God, in time, to help you forgive those who wronged you.  And ask Him to help you see how your life now is being affected by what happened then.  Then ask Him to help you find a new way to live and react in new, healthy ways.  

You'll need to learn to see those transferrence situations and work to stop multiplying the force.  Also, don't avoid getting counseling.  It's not just for "screw ups."  It's for normal people who want to see change and admit that they need help to do it.  

Finally, remember that the Lord is the Lord of the future, the present, AND the past.  Go with him back into those painful memories and let Him begin the healing process for you.

Longing to feel okay

Don't you hate that feeling?
The one where you feel like crap.
The one where you wonder why anyone would like you.
The one where you seem like such a screw up.
The one where it seems like you're not good enough for anyone.

I hate it too.
But I used to feel it a lot more often.  In fact, these days it's pretty rare for me.

Check out the following quote I heard on a podcast recently:

The moment your well-being is hinged to another person's response, you will manipulate them.

To manipulate is to try and make someone else do something by pressuring or tricking them.  Most of us wouldn't manipulate to get money, but we do when we need to feel okay.

We pressure, we threaten, we cry, we yell, we give the silent treatment, we ignore-whatever it takes to get someone's attention that we really crave.  And we crave it because we cannot feel good about ourselves without it.

When God gave the commandment: "You shall not have any other gods before me" he was not being self-absorbed.  He was being smart...for our sake.

You see, when we stake our well-being in anybody we are setting that person up as a god, as our source of meaning.  Naturally, they can never completely come through when we need it, so we then get mad and manipulate them to get what we want from them.  In the process, in the long term, we slowly deteriorate the relationship.

But when, as David said, "My soul finds rest in God alone" (Psalm 62), then we can live without manipulation, because as we learn to rest our souls in God, we are free to enjoy people without needing them to make us happy.

Freaking About Finals

The following is a post from the past that I thought was relevant again as exams come our way next week.

If you look at some of my previous posts you'll see I've blogging about how to be "Ok."  When we let Father be our cup-filler, our source of peace, love, contentment, then we can give to and enjoy the people, places, and things in our lives, instead of using them to make us feel whole. 

Here's how I think this principle can play out in a real life situation: final exams. 

When you're afraid of something (that is not physically dangerous), the fear you feel is ultimately about how it will affect how you see yourself and how others will see you.  Going into exams there are a lot of expectations.  For many it is the expectations of parents that you fear.  If you don't do well, how will they perceive you?  You may also fear the judgment of your teachers.  Finally, there's always the fear of how you will feel about your own abilities.  Do you cut it?  Are you good enough?  How will you measure up to everyone else?

All of these questions come down to: whose opinion will fill your cup?  I suggest you face the fear of finals, the same way you can face every other fear: Because I am deeply loved and enjoyed in my soul of souls by Father, my life has meaning and value, and nothing will change that. 

If you can let yourself trust in your Rock, then you can face the reality of the world: yes, my achievement matters in life.  But, see it doesn't matter ULTIMATELY, meaning in the most crucial sense-your sense of safety and value.

So, yes, go and study your brains out, but enjoy learning (as much as is possible of course!).  I pray you can do well and reflect what you've learned this semester, but, in the end, even if you don't do well, and even if some people are disappointed with your performance, choose to fill your cup with your Father's love.

Overwhelmed!!!

When I was newly married and without kids my wife and I had our first 'fights.'  Honestly, we're not fighters in the sense people think.  We don't yell or say mean things, but we have, at times gotten silent, serious, and had difficult talks. 

It was a couple years into our marriage that we began having conflicts over how busy we were.  It continues to be a challenge for us, but we've come a long way in trying to help each other in this area. 

But I think you teens and young adults sometimes have it just as bad.  I once thought that busyness was just an adult problem, but you guys live in an era where packed schedules are more common than ever before in young lives.  You have sports practice, play practice, book club, traveling soccer, JO Volleyball, dance class, homework, family functions, friends, chores, part-time jobs, church, youth group, and the list goes on. 

I found a great article from The Plain Dealer's sports writer Terry Pluto that related to the subject.  He is a Jesus-follower and writes also about faith and daily life.  The following is one of his articles that, while intended for adults, I think would also encourage you to meet Father in the midst of a busy life.

Feeling Overwhelmed...by Terry Pluto

I was talking to a man named David who is one of the leaders of his church men's group.
We touched on the various subjects that men deal with, then he mentioned time.

"I just feel like there are never enough hours in the day," he said. "Then I look at the day, and I realize I hardly spent any time with God."

He said it in a weary voice.

I know the feeling.

At the end of so many days, I feel exhausted. And I also wonder what exactly did I accomplish?

This subject doesn't only apply to men. I know many women who are similarly overwhelmed.
Jobs. Kids. Grandkids. Elderly parents. Volunteering.

HELP!!!

Many years ago, I remember a pastor talking about how Jesus "always had time for everyone." He was talking about how Jesus reached out to the poor, the lepers, the blind, the woman caught in adultery.

He did all those things.

But the fact is Jesus did not always have time for everyone.

Consider this from the book of Mark 6:31: "Then, because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, (Jesus) said to the disciples: 'Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.' "

What I hate to admit is how much time I waste. I will be working on a story, scanning the web for information on the Browns quarterbacks -- and the next thing I know, I'm reading about author James Lee Burke. Nothing wrong with reading about Burke, but it was not helping me finish my work.

After leaving Burke and returning to the dreaded quarterbacks story, I was thinking, "Why is it taking me so long to write this story?"

 

The answer was obvious and humbling: I was distracting myself.

At the end of so many days, I feel exhausted. And I also wonder what exactly did I accomplish?

But usually, our time is chewed up by commitments. And we sacrifice rest, prayer, peace and quiet.

Do we have to answer every text, every email, every call -- right away?

Psalm 31:14-15: "I trust in you Lord... 'You are my God.' My times are in your hands."

On one level, many of us would agree with that point. No one lives forever. Tomorrow is promised to none of us.

But I do know that when I don't spend time with God, when I don't just stop and take time to think -- I can become very grumpy and make some very poor decisions.

A life-changing quote for me came from author Stephen Covey (The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People), "Whenever we say yes to something, we say no to something else."

 Sometimes, we have to say NO to a good thing for something that is BETTER. In the case of Jesus, it was to pray and relax by Himself.

Consider Luke 5:15-16: "Yet the news about him spread all the more so that crowds of people came to hear him and to be healed of their sicknesses. But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed."

Jesus didn't please everyone. He did NOT meet everyone's needs.

For many us, the problem is that we want to be liked. We don't want to disappoint someone. So we over-schedule. We get tired. Then we become resentful: "Why did I ever agree to do this?"

Here are a few thoughts:

1. We don't have to serve on every committee and in every ministry. PICK ONE and do it RIGHT.

2. Every child doesn't have to play on every traveling team. Every child doesn't need to take part in every activity that appeals to her. Sit down and make the child pick what makes sense for both of you. We don't work for our children.

3. If you want to have a Godly home, consider making that clear to your kids. Suppose your daughter wants  to spend so much on a prom, that you need to take out a home equity loan. Or your son wants to go to a sports camp that costs more than what the Indians pay Nick Swisher. Ask yourself what God would think of that type of investment. Tell them of financial sacrifices that you have made, settling for less than all of what you wanted – and you did it because that's God's way.

4. The fact is that some of these things won't make you liked, but it will lead people to respect you.

A final point about time management. Consider James 1:5: "If any of you lack wisdom, you should ask God who gives generously to all without finding fault and it will be given to him."

How often do we pray over our schedules? Jesus did it when he "slipped away to pray." There are times when we need to do the same.

Here's the link to the article: http://www.cleveland.com/pluto/index.ssf/2014/08/terry_plutos_faith_you_feeling.html

Nerves: how to chill them out

Nerves!  Ah! 

One thing that helped me tremendously was simply this: realizing that nerves are normal (there are some of us who have abnormal nervousness, but I'll talk about that later). 

You're body is pretty smart and God made it that way.  It is designed to send you shots of adrenaline (that's what nervousness is) to give you extra-normal strength and speed when you are in danger.  So, when you are in a new situation, it can seem dangerous, to your insides.  For one, be thankful your body is doing its job.  It also means you're not a weirdo.

But can you stop it?!  There are a lot of things you can do. 

First, do some mind work.  You may need to tell your mind: hey, this isn't dangerous-chill out! Fight the lies your mind is feeding you.  Tell yourself, "You can do this.  You've done it before."  Or "God is here right now.  I'll be okay."

Maybe your mind spirals into "What if...this or this happens?"  I went to a counselor once who said,

"If you ask "What if?" then answer the question.  What if it really did happen?"  She remarked that often you will find that it wouldn't be the end of the world (and, besides, it probably won't happen anyway).

Second, do some physical work.  If you are in a setting where your heart is thumping and nerves are racing try this: breathe in while counting to 4 (as in 1000 one, 1000 two, etc.).  Exhale while counting to 4.  Continue.  Your heart rate will go down.  It's not instantaneous, but it will work eventually; just focus on counting.  Trust me, I've done it on numerous airplane flights!  Plus, you can do it without anyone knowing it.

If your mind is quick to walk down the road of all the things that could happen, another idea is to wear a rubber band around your wrist.  When the "what ifs" start coming, snap it (not enough to leave a mark, but enough to put a little sting).  It 'wakes you up' so to speak.  Then, recite a Bible verse or some phrase that will encourage you.

Finally, invite Father into your situation.  He cares.  He really does!  One of my favorite comments in the Bible is from Peter who wrote "Cast all your anxieties on Him because He cares for you" (I Peter 5:7)  I sometimes have had to imagine taking my worries into my hand and chucking them (aka casting) on Father.  So, chuck away!  Multiple times if necessary!

Also, try what are called "breath prayers."  They are short prayers or Bible verses that you say when you do slow breathing.  You breathe in and when you exhale you say something like, "I cast my cares on you" or "Father, love me" or "Calm my spirit" or "Give me strength" or whatever works.  This way you calm your body, but also your spirit as you direct your attention to the words, the truth, and your Father.

There are two other issues I'll address in another post.  What if your nervousness if actually more than normal?  Also, what if your life circumstances are causing your anxiety?

I hate being nervous!

I can still see myself waking up in my upstairs bedroom as a teen.  More importantly, I can feel it all over again.  It's weird; we have picture memories, but also emotional memories.  I still recall the sensation of what seemed like needles poking into my abdomen, the tightness of my veins in my arms.  I was nervous. 

I remember being in college, rummaging about my dorm room to get my stuff together for class.  I had just gotten back from some activity and now had to pack my bag, and scurry to the other side of campus for class.  You know those pictures in science books that show all your web-like, nervous system veins?  It seemed like everyone of those was ablaze and about to shoot out the ends of my fingertips. 

Don't you hate it?  It feels like some unpleasant person has been handcuffed to you and you must walk around all day with them.  What do you do with it? 

These are just two of many, many memories I have of the joys of being nervous.  You're probably wondering, though: am I just stuck with this? 

The answer is: yes and no.

I shared my above examples in hopes that you can first realize this: you are not the only one feeling this way.  That alone can prompt your insides to relax a little bit.

But that's not it.  Many people, including myself, have found a lot of solutions to managing and decreasing nerves.  I have been through a lot of nerves including the 'everybody has 'em' ones and a legitimate anxiety disorder, so I've done a lot of reading, studying, and been to counseling.  Most importantly, Father has met me there and He's made me a different person because of it.

In an upcoming post I'll share a hodgepodge of things I've learned about lessening anxiety in your life.

Labels

Tonight is my first high school reunion.  I have not seen the majority of my classmates in 20 years

when we were all 17 or 18 years old.  As adulty or mature as I've gotten there's still the lingering fear of: being labeled.

My wife recently has gotten a label from some friends at church.  They call her "the Mayor" because it seems like everyone knows her one way or another.  The title is given affectionately due to Beth's love of greeting and connecting people at church, but it was met with a little apprehension on her part.  Even though it's good-natured, it feels unsettling to get a label.

Last year my wife helped coordinate her high school reunion.  Good friends threw old labels her way.  Again, it was done jokingly, but it felt frustrating to her.

As I head into my reunion tonight, many of us are going to be taking our old labels of each other with us.  What else do we have?  The only memory most of us carry of each other is from a four-year span in our teenage years.

What is it about labels that cut so sharply?  Predominantly, I think it comes from our longing to be known.

We are complex.  We have so many desires, motivations, idiosyncrasies, passions, triumphs, failures, experiences, histories.  The most aching hunger in our souls is for someone to fully know us.

Life, however, makes this painfully difficult and we all go through periods, some longer than others, of loneliness.  This pain can be exacerbated by then being labeled by others.  To be labeled is to feel this pronouncement: "You are this and nothing else.  You are 2D without distinction."

This is the beauty of Father's gift of relationship.  He gives us family to know us.  We pursue friends
and spend time with them hoping to be known and enjoyed.  Many of us pursue a spouse by dating for this very reason: for someone who will both know us fully and love us fully.

Yet, we all know the above relationships can sometimes have their share of labeling as well.  There is a rock, though, a fortress, that will know us fully.  The Father.  He knows us intimately, every joy, every struggle, every deep thought, every hope, every lust, every anger, every dream.  We are fully known-even the thing you are afraid of-and still He walks up and embraces us in full sight.

Because I have this kind of Father, and because He's given me a wife who loves me so much like He does, I pray that I can go to my reunion and, despite my fear of being labeled, I can extend a heart to my former classmates that lets them be who they are, seeks to get to know them again in our few hours together, and will take pleasure in having a chance to reconnect.  Amen.

Why Me?

I found this little blurb in a devotional book from the 1930s:

A child of God was dazed by the variety of afflictions which seemed to make her their target.

Walking past a vineyard in the rich autumnal glow she noticed the untrimmed appearance and the luxuriant wealth of leaves on the vines, that the ground was given over to a tangle of weeds and grass, and that the whole place looked utterly uncared for; and as she pondered, the Heavenly Gardener whispered so precious a message that she would fain pass it on:

"My dear child, are you wondering at the sequence of trials in your life?  Behold that vineyard and learn of it.  The gardener ceases to prune, to trim, to harrow, or to pluck the ripe fruit only when he expects nothing more from the vine during that season.  It is left to itself, because the season of fruit is past and further effort for the present would  yield no profit.  Comparative uselessness is the condition of freedom from suffering.  Do you then wish me to cease pruning your life?  Shall I leave you alone?"  And the comforted heart cried, "No!"
-Homera Homer-Dixon

And every branch that beareth fruit he purgeth it, that it may bring forth more fruit."  John 15:2

Matters of the Heart - student poetry

Ahh...summer.  Sorry it has taken a while to get back to posting.

I received a number of insightful student poems and wanted to share a few.  Here is the first:

Heart of sweet, soft steel
You melt like ice cream
Yet break like a glass.
Heart, when will you learn
To not beat so fast?

I love the alliteration of "sweet, soft steel."  There's a lot there.  We often associate the heart with softness and sweetness, but the upper hook of this opening line is the heart being referred to as "steel."

It reminds me of the concept of having a "hard heart."  The notorious Pharaoh of Old Testament fame was said to have a hardened heart.  When people talk about the heart, some get annoyed because they consider this a 'mushy' subject.  Yet, out of the heart comes both love and bitterness, elation and collapse.  Jesus said as much.  This is captured so well in the next two lines where the heart is said to "melt like ice cream/ Yet break like a glass."

We are both fragile and volatile.  This is all the more reason that a meaningful life is not simply one in which we develop our minds, but one where we, more importantly, more vigilantly, tend to the nature of our own hearts.

The final question is intriguing.  Should we fear that which makes the heart beat quickly?  Buddhism seems to suggest this.  To the Buddhist, desire is the cause of pain and therefore should be done away with.  The goal is serenity, lack of desire.

In contrast, the early followers of Jesus, encouraged zeal, to love deeply, to face fear, to hunger for righteousness.  It makes sense to fear our quick-beating hearts.  In those moments, we tend to act instinctively.  We can easily make mistakes, say things we didn't want to say, or find ourselves more eager than normal, to take risks.  But, if we develop in our hearts, values that we share with our Father, and a place of peace that can be carried into those anxious or exciting moments, we can ride the intensity of our hearts into places God would have us and back out of those we know would do our hearts wrong.

The End is Near

Most of us are feeling it as the last day of school approaches. 

Some of you, seniors, are living it! 

It's really a thrill isn't it?  One thing I love about being a teacher is that you get to continue that feeling that you have as a student where things have a beginning and an end. 

Many jobs just go on and on and on.  Mine starts up with all the excitement, nervousness, and anticipation in August and then finally comes to a well needed conclusion in early June.

So when we think of the end of...life or the world, why does that get associated with sullenness and even anxiety?  Paul said in one of his letters that a crown awaits those who long for Jesus' appearance.  Did you catch that?  Long for. 

I have known my sweet friend Jesus, my dear Father, and my counselor, the Holy Spirit for over two decades, but I have yet to see them face-to-face.  I love my life, and yet, I anticipate with joy, I even long for, that day when I get to meet my Father and actually touch Him.

Is there a judgment at the end?  Yes, I believe there is.  But it is done by that same Dad, that same Friend.  I am trying to live in a way that makes Him proud, but I'm sure I'll disappoint Him in some ways too.  Either way, it's still my Dad that will greet me there and I know He's for me. 

That's a good ending.  It will also be the best new Beginning.

Darkness is my closest friend

Check this out.  This is a Psalm in the Bible.  Psalm are songs to God.  This is Psalm 88 (I cut out parts to shorten it).  Be prepared for some surprising lyrics:

Lord, you are the God who saves me;
    day and night I cry out to you.
² May my prayer come before you;
    turn your ear to my cry.

³ I am overwhelmed with troubles    and my life draws near to death.
⁴ I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
    I am like one without strength.
⁹     my eyes are dim with grief.

I call to you, Lord, every day;
    I spread out my hands to you.

¹³ But I cry to you for help, Lord;
    in the morning my prayer comes before you.
¹⁴ Why, Lord, do you reject me
    and hide your face from me?

¹⁵ From my youth I have suffered and been close to death;
    I have borne your terrors and am in despair.
¹⁶ Your wrath has swept over me;
    your terrors have destroyed me.
¹⁷ All day long they surround me like a flood;
    they have completely engulfed me.
¹⁸ You have taken from me friend and neighbor—
    darkness is my closest friend.

I love this because this shows again that the Bible is not a book about a fantasy life.  It's not a book about perfection.  It's a book about reality, real life, with real people who have doubts and pain. 

I need my God to know real life.  I need to know that He gets it, that He isn't surprised by my sometimes raging emotions.  The fact that this Psalm is in His book proves to me that He does.

I don't think we have to believe that the writer of this Psalm is right either.  There are numerous things in here that are wrong (I don't believe God terrorizes us, for example).  This isn't intended as a teaching.  It's intended to be art, and art expresses our interior world.  Sometimes that world is scary and irrational. 

Regardless, we have a God, who says, don't run from me when you are scared, angry, or sad.  Run TO me.  Give me your true self.  That's a God worthy of love.