An Ugly Romance: Love Without Legs

This story is cute.

But it's actually quite ugly.

Check out this video that shows their story.


Andrew and Tori Smith rushed their wedding to marry before Andrew's military deployment.  Within a short amount of time Andrew, stationed in in Afghanistan, stepped on an IED and lost both of his legs.

The vigorous commitment of his wife Tori is inspiring.  She drove hours to reach the last-minute location of the landing of the plane with her injured husband.  When he arrived at the hospital, she ignored protocol, breaking through the acceptable distance in order to hold his hand, kiss him, and tell him she loved him.

Hospital personnel instructed Tori that she was not to stay with her husband in the hospital room.
She disregarded them and stayed, even sleeping in a chair.

She stayed with him through every bend in the road and helped learn to walk again with prosthetic legs.  Today they are still together.

So cute, right?  But think about how ugly things really are.  What is it like to lay in bed with your husband who has no legs?  How might this affect their romantic relationship?  What limits might this put on their future?  Will he ever be able to run around with their future children?

One article said, "Shrapnel from the explosion ripped through his groin and slashed apart his abdomen...He lost his abdominal muscles on his right side.  Doctors performed 15 surgeries on his intestines."  I have no idea the implications these injuries have on Andrew's daily living, but there's got to be lots.

To me, though, recognizing these 'ugly' factors shows what real beauty is: love, commitment, affection in the midst of sadness, or even in spite of it.

It is proof that light can conquer darkness, that love can stomp on destruction.

Jesus' love is like this.  His cross-bearing is disgusting when you fully understand crucifixion.  And look at us, our failings, our messiness, yet love, His love pushes back the darkness.

Andrew and Tori have seen the evil, the destruction, the darkness that life tries to flood us with, and yet have said, "No, our love, and romance spits in the face of evil."

And there is beauty.

Is there someone you are trying to love, but it is messy?  Do you see the real beauty of your love?  Is there someone who loves you in your imperfections.  Do you honor the beauty of that love?

Do you, now, see why "Jesus loves me" is not just an old-hat, clichéd phrase?  In those three words there is universe-shattering, shocking, excessive beauty.

Here's the article that first introduced me to the Smith's and where I got a lot of the info above.
Here is a recent article about them:
Here is a more recent photo of them:

An Ugly Romance: Love Without Legs

This story is cute.

But it's actually quite ugly.

Check out this video that shows their story.


Andrew and Tori Smith rushed their wedding to marry before Andrew's military deployment.  Within a short amount of time Andrew, stationed in in Afghanistan, stepped on an IED and lost both of his legs.

The vigorous commitment of his wife Tori is inspiring.  She drove hours to reach the last-minute location of the landing of the plane with her injured husband.  When he arrived at the hospital, she ignored protocol, breaking through the acceptable distance in order to hold his hand, kiss him, and tell him she loved him.

Hospital personnel instructed Tori that she was not to stay with her husband in the hospital room.
She disregarded them and stayed, even sleeping in a chair.

She stayed with him through every bend in the road and helped learn to walk again with prosthetic legs.  Today they are still together.

So cute, right?  But think about how ugly things really are.  What is it like to lay in bed with your husband who has no legs?  How might this affect their romantic relationship?  What limits might this put on their future?  Will he ever be able to run around with their future children?

One article said, "Shrapnel from the explosion ripped through his groin and slashed apart his abdomen...He lost his abdominal muscles on his right side.  Doctors performed 15 surgeries on his intestines."  I have no idea the implications these injuries have on Andrew's daily living, but there's got to be lots.

To me, though, recognizing these 'ugly' factors shows what real beauty is: love, commitment, affection in the midst of sadness, or even in spite of it.

It is proof that light can conquer darkness, that love can stomp on destruction.

Jesus' love is like this.  His cross-bearing is disgusting when you fully understand crucifixion.  And look at us, our failings, our messiness, yet love, His love pushes back the darkness.

Andrew and Tori have seen the evil, the destruction, the darkness that life tries to flood us with, and yet have said, "No, our love, and romance spits in the face of evil."

And there is beauty.

Is there someone you are trying to love, but it is messy?  Do you see the real beauty of your love?  Is there someone who loves you in your imperfections.  Do you honor the beauty of that love?

Do you, now, see why "Jesus loves me" is not just an old-hat, clichéd phrase?  In those three words there is universe-shattering, shocking, excessive beauty.

Here's the article that first introduced me to the Smith's and where I got a lot of the info above.

Is It Lust?

One of the challenges of life is that love is interwoven with sexual desire.  Desire, however, operates inside of each of us, regardless of whether we are in a romantic relationship or not.

So, what do you do with it?  One side of our world says to do whatever you want.  It doesn't really matter.  Then, for some of us who are Christ-followers, we have another community around us that has opinions about how to deal with our sexual desires.  In my experiences, that community often strives to give us lots of "NO's", but doesn't often speak to the reality of the intensity of our urges.

One author that, I believe, writes with more clarity than almost any other I have found is Brad Watson, a pastor, and an author of the book Is It Lust or Legalism.  He wrote an article in Charisma Magazine that gives a taste of what God taught him on this subject.  Check it out here:  Is It Lust or Legalism?

I'd like to get some dialogue running about Brad's article.


After reading Brad's article, here are some questions I think that are worth exploring:

Is this practical?
Is Watson giving too much freedom to our thoughts?
Is Watson's advice similar or different to what you've been taught elsewhere?
Do you think he's right?
Should we even care about this stuff?

Dating INward

Love is not just the domain of chick flicks and cheesy pop songs.  Love is also the domain of the greatest literature and art in the history of mankind.  Even God, when trying to explain the intensity of the passion between the Messiah and His people, compared them to the passion between a bride and a groom.

This is because one of the most dangerous, exciting, and satisfying journeys of life is the adventure of finding and learning to love one person, and love them well.

One contemporary author who writes a great deal about love is Debra K. Fileta.  She is a regular relationship columnist for Relevant Magazine.  Read her article: Here's How to Find True Love


I'd like to get some dialogue running about Fileta's three concepts of dating inward, outward, and upward.

After reading about dating inward in her article, here are some questions I think that are worth exploring:

What in the world does it mean to "get to know yourself"?
Why is dating inward important to a relationship?

Dating UPward

Love is not just the domain of chick flicks and cheesy pop songs.  Love is also the domain of the greatest literature and art in the history of mankind.  Even God, when trying to explain the intensity of the passion between the Messiah and His people, compared them to the passion between a bride and a groom.

This is because one of the most dangerous, exciting, and satisfying journeys of life is the adventure of finding and learning to love one person, and love them well.

One contemporary author who writes a great deal about love is Debra K. Fileta.  She is a regular relationship columnist for Relevant Magazine.  Read her article: Here's How to Find True Love



I'd like to get some dialogue running about Fileta's three concepts of dating inward, outward, and upward.

After reading about dating upward in her article, here are some questions I think that are worth exploring:

How does a normal teen actually do this?
What does it practically mean to allow God's "definition of love to permeate your relationships"?
How will dating look differently if God is involved?

Can Love Really Last?

If I just find the right one then...

If I just marry a good guy then...
If I just marry someone who is a Christian then...
If I just find someone who has the same sense of humor then...
If I just end up with a girl that likes the same stuff as me then...

...then I will stay in love forever.
...then I will always feel this way.
...then we will always be happy.

You probably have figured out by now that the above statements are not true.  So, what are your options? 

Despair    or    Denial.

Despair: romance never lasts so you take it while you can. (That's sad)
Denial: I'm different and I'll find lasting romance. (Good luck)

I'd like to propose "D" number 3: Determined.

Falling in love is aptly named.  Most people find themselves "falling" into it.  It's almost as if the invisible Cupid shot an arrow.  How you meet someone and fall in love is mysterious and wonder-full. 

It makes sense, then, to think, like most people do, that it is natural to stay in the love that you fell into (assuming you found the "right" person of course).

But it doesn't.  And the sooner you realize it, the happier you will be.  Romance, long-term romance, life-lasting romance, requires determined effort. 

You must believe that it can happen, that you can be "in love" for a lifetime, but that it will not "just happen" and is a lot harder than it seems. 

Romance is feelings-based and anyone who has lived long enough realizes that feelings don't stay constant.  They go up and down.  Just think about how you feel about your parents or siblings! 

To maintain a feeling, you have to cultivate it with actions.  These things are natural in the early stages of a relationship because that's all you really do together is cultivate your relationship.  You go on dates, you text each other, you write sweet notes, you dress up for the other, you put on cologne, you buy gifts, you think about the other, and so on.

When you get married, or even if you date for a lengthy amount of time, you begin to do 'routine' life together.  For married people that includes doing dishes, cutting the grass, raising children, going to work, cleaning the house.  For dating people that can be things like studying together, going to siblings' birthday parties, sitting in study hall or eating lunch at the same table, going to a football game together. 

When routine sets in, that's when you have to be Determined-determine to fan the fire of your romance.  This sounds very unromantic, but send a text even when you're tired, write a note even when you're busy with other things, say encouraging words even when you're in a bad mood, be affectionate even if your mind is preoccupied with work or homework, say something kind instead something snarky when you're annoyed. 

Romance is a fire that will slowly, but surely, die out if you don't keep putting wood on the fire and move the sticks around to give the right air flow-especially when you don't feel the 'mood.'

I have seen people give up on the fire in real life all the time.  They stop doing the things that attracted them to each other in the first place.  Resentment sets in, bitterness arises, defensiveness seals off openness, and anger takes the place of sweetness. 

So, you're a teen or young adult.  Why care about all this now?  If you plan on becoming a doctor, would you say, "Well, I'm not a doctor yet, so why should I learn about medicine now?"  No, you'd go to school and start studying bio!  Do the same with romance now: Be Determined.

The Heat of Homecoming

Ever notice how feeling the ‘heat of the moment’ makes you do things that you normally wouldn’t?  For some people this is the only way they get school projects done!  Other times people make awesome spikes in volleyball or 3 pointers in basketball in the heat of the game. 

Homecoming does this too.  Guys that otherwise are pretty shy, for example, actually work up the guts
to ask girls to the dance.  The pressure actually brings out some good! 

Then there’s the other side of heat.  You know what I’m talking about.  The dumb moves.  Everybody does those and if you avoid them all together you’ll never take a risk.  YOLO.  I can’t believe I just wrote that.

But there are some things worth avoiding and usually you can see them coming.  All dances, but particularly the biggies like Homecoming and Prom, give us a lot of ‘heat of the moment’ opportunities.  That’s one thing that makes them a blast, but they can also create memories you wish you never had.

A guy, while slow dancing, begins to drop his hand way below the small of your back.  Or your date gets a lot closer to you than you want.  An upper classman sneaks alcohol into the dance and you, being younger, feel stupid turning down their offer to try it out.

A lot of stuff happens after the dance.  Maybe it’s a sleepover, maybe it’s a party, maybe it’s just in the car with friends on the way home.  Either way, stuff can happen.  Maybe there’s some drinking going on, and a girl who seems really out of it is looking really good and is all over you.  Situations like that can happen quite easily.  At the end of the night two people’s lives have changed forever.

I know a girl who is still working through what happened to her 10 years ago when a guy, without her permission, on a date touched her very intimately while seeing a play.  Something simple can get very complicated very fast.

When some people were wondering how to follow Jesus He told them, “If anyone would come after me, let him take up his cross daily.”  Picking up a cross takes a lot of effort, not to mention carrying it.  Plus, you’ve got to make a decision to do it in the first place, a decision where you decide whether you’re a cross bearer or not.

If you’re a cross bearer, then start to pray and think: what will that look like for me, specifically?  How will your life look differently compared to people who aren’t pulling a cross around? 

When it comes to Homecoming, how does being a cross bearer affect how that evening turns out? 

Guys, how can you really make your date feel honored and lovely, as opposed to making her feel like

your opportunity to cop a feel?  How can you make her feel incredibly beautiful and special because you, yes you, took her to dinner and that dance?  And this is true whether you’re going as friends or as a couple.  Even if you’re not ‘interested,’ make her feel like a diamond.  Jesus had a way of making each person feel that way.  You can do the same.

Girls, I hate to put it this way, but you have to watch out for aggressors.  Most guys aren’t, but there are enough of them.  Plus, there are a lot of immature guys that don’t think through their actions.  How can you choose wisely who you go to the dance with?  What situations can you plan on avoiding so you’re not stuck in a situation where you feel the pressure of ‘heat’?  Cross bearing for you may be more about honoring yourself enough to be wise.  It may also mean looking for a guy that is hot, fun, AND knows how to walk like His Savior (just a hint: that kind of guy just might be lurking behind a nerdy exterior).

Now, some of you are going with someone that you do, in fact, want to be romantically involved with.  God loves this and wants to be with you in this.  So, what might it look like, as a cross bearer, to communicate your feelings (verbally or other) in a way that respects the other?  Think creatively.  Ultimately, that’s what romance is anyway.

The dance of romance is complicated.  Our hope to avoid some of the situations I’ve mentioned is not intended to steal the mystery out of it.  Enjoy the fun of Homecoming.  Yet, maybe the heart of it is to protect the ‘fun’ part by keeping the ‘heat’ in check.  

Homecoming-Tips for the Guys

I remember my first Homecoming dance in 1990.  It was a complete blast.  I had never been to a formal dance before.  Grade school dances were just plain stupid.  High school was a completely different story. 

For freshman year homecoming I went with a bunch of friends and, honestly, that was easy.  It was my sophomore year when it got complicated because, for the first time, I went with a date. 

Some of you are probably going with a date and, if you are an underclassman, that may be a pretty new thing for you.  So, in light of that, I wanted to throw a few ideas out to the guys in particular.

Ok, so first, accept that it will feel a bit (or a lot) awkward.  You may like the girl you’re taking, or you may not be sure.  Or she may like you, or you’re not sure, or she’s not sure.  Ugh!  Regardless, you’ve got a chance to practice being a gentleman.  That’s not an insignificant thing.  That is a GREAT thing.  There are a lot of men out there who are selfish jerks, and, unfortunately, they give the rest of us a bad name.  So, give men a good name and have fun treating a girl like gold.

Let’s start with practicals:  Look and smell nice.  How?  Here’s a few things: wear deodorant, brush your teeth reeeeally well, floss (seriously-bad breath is commonly from unflossed teeth), cut your nails, shave (even if you don’t have much to shave yet!), get a haircut, and my favorite: carry around Altoids.  You know those “curiously strong mints” that you can buy at Target.  Keep a few in your pocket.  Pop one just before you walk into her house.  Pop one after you are done with dinner.  Pop one before a slow dance. 

Oh, yeah, and if you can get a hold of some cologne, spray a little bit on your hands and put it on your neck. 

These details may seem so annoying since guys don’t usually think a whole lot about appearance etc., but girls are impressed when a guy does these things because they say to her: I am thinking about you. 

Ok, so, what the heck do you talk about?  Ask her lots of stuff.  In fact, think beforehand about what

to ask her about.  Want to treat a girl well?  Talk to her and learn about her.  I know we’re different, guys.  She just has to flick her hair and wear a cute dress and we have melted.  But her?  She wants a guy to be interested in her: her thoughts, her life, her interests, her feelings.  Now it’s just a dance.  It doesn’t need to be deep, but there are a million things you probably don’t know about your date that would be great fodder for conversation.

Now what if you have a date, but you go to dinner with friends.  Don’t ignore her.  Don’t just talk to your guy friends at dinner.  Still ask her questions.  Don’t interrogate her, but again, show that you’re thinking about her.

Now, the dance.  If you’re a typical American male, you haven’t done a whole lot of ‘fast’ dancing in your life.  The same was true of me when I was a freshman.  This isn’t sage wisdom here, but: try it.  You’ll feel like a dork, but just start moving your feet and don’t leave your hands completely at your side.  The easiest thing is to try to mimic the people around you. 

Slow dancing is much easier because you just have to rock.  The awkward thing is: how much space between you?  It depends on the nature of your relationship with your date.  If you’re not dating, don’t get too cozy.  On the other hand, don’t leave an entire ruler’s length between you.  It looks and feels weird.  It may feel strange to talk about this, but accept that a little bodily contact is not a big deal. 

Let’s be honest.  You’re touching a girl; it’s not something you do every day, unless you’re dating.  Needless to say, it will probably turn you on.  You’re not a pervert for feeling that.  You’re a man.  Still, it can make dancing feel a bit ‘intense.’  A way to chill yourself out a bit is to talk to your date.  Find something to laugh about.  Make fun of the couple across the floor that is dancing funny.  Whatever.  Either way you’ll get your mind somewhere else and, plus, it will be fun for you and your date.

What about your hands?  Again, depends on your relationship to your date.  Are you just friends, or interested, but still getting to know each other?  Hands on her back are the safest place.  It’s sweet, but not suggestive.  If you’ve been dating for a while, it may be okay to put your hands on her waist.  It’s obviously more intimate so, just be aware of what you’re doing. 

Should you kiss her at the end of the night?  Again, depends.  Here’s just my opinion: if you’re not dating, don’t.  Maybe you want her to know that you really do like her.  You don’t need to kiss her to let her know that.  Here’s a much easier, and, honestly a meaningful way, to let her know.  Say this, “Hey, I had a really good time tonight.  Thanks for going with me.”  She will melt like a slushy in the sunshine if you say that.  Then give her a hug.  And if you’re really brave, say, “Let’s hang out again sometime.”  Cue the fireworks.

Ok, I know my readers aren’t big on posting comments, but, if you’re a girl, it would be awesome to get any other recommendations here for our guy readers.  Thanks!

Allegiant: when relationships get tough

Tris and Tobias.  I like them so much more than Katniss, Peta, and Gale.  They have a great chemistry

 and, for the most part, they really seem to care about each other.

Then comes Allegiant.  Things get much dice-ier for them in this book.  That’s pretty realistic actually.  All long-term relationships eventually go through an arc.  At the beginning, things often are great.  Excitement, mystery, newness, all these things make us feel alive to life in a way we weren’t before. 

The myth is that this goes on forever.  The truth, however, is not that love is doomed to failure or boredom.  That too is a myth, although one that can, and often does, come sadly true for those who don’t realize the first myth. 

Tris and Tobias are no exception.  Like in real life relationships, the challenges of life hit them individually, like a barrage of baseballs, and it takes a toll first on them individually and then on their relationship. 

So far, I see a trend that continues to harm their connection when it could be an opportunity to draw them together:

They are very understanding of their own pain, but don’t sympathize with the other’s. 

Two examples.  Both Tobias and Tris go through genetic testing and discover that something is supposedly “wrong” with Tobias’ genes, but not Tris’.

Tris quickly comments, “It’s not that big a deal.”

Now I actually think she has a valid point here and that she’s trying to love and validate that “This doesn’t change anything.”

But here’s the problem, she doesn’t give Tobias a chance to simply struggle to his conclusion with her.  Tris dismisses the hurt he feels.  He then walks out to struggle on his own (and get lured to Nita).

Another example.  Tobias finds out that his father, for whom he has contempt, was not sentenced to execution, but to being banished.  Again Tris dismisses the effect this has on her boyfriend.  She outright says, “You can be upset about whatever you want….But…it doesn’t seem like there’s much to be upset about.”

And, like any good story, their chance to follow up the conversation is interrupted.

Relationships, friendship, family, or romantic, are blessings from Father.  Blessings must be held gently.  Heavy-handedness usually harms, not heals.  The beauty of Jesus was God coming into our world and fully experiencing the joy, pain, grief, fun, laughter, hurt, and death that we feel.  Hebrews 4 says, “We do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses.”

Tris is a great character, but we can learn from her mistakes.  Healthy relationships involve sympathizing with someone else’s weaknesses and feelings, even if they seem ridiculous from our perspective.  If you want to feel close to someone and, also if you want to see them move on from something, the first step is to ask, listen, and bear the feelings of the other person.

Top Teen Topics: Appearance #2

I love the Bible for many reasons, but one is because, despite what so many of us think, it is a very realistic book.  It doesn’t fit into easy holes, and the subject of appearance is great example. 

True or False: Appearance doesn’t matter.

If you read The Song of Solomon in the Bible, you find a book of romantic, even erotic poetry.  Two lovers meet and praise each other.  They do not spend their time speaking of the other’s wonderful personality traits.  Instead, they praise each other’s appearance over and over again. (It interesting to note that what attracts, changes per person, per culture, per time frame.  For example, the man praises his wife’s round tummy and her teeth!). 

Now, this is not the whole story, of course.  The same author, Solomon, later writes in Proverbs 31 of a woman he considers beyond compare.  There he describes her accomplishments and character, not her looks. 

Just like the Bible, we all know it is both.  An attractive, but self-absorbed person is fun to flirt with, but not marry.  Yet without some attention to one’s appearance, the opposite sex may not be curious to know about a person’s character.

Yet, again, here is Father’s wisdom.  In one of the most striking statements in regards to our looks, He says this, “The Lord does not look at the things people look at.  People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7). 

This comes from a section where they are trying to choose the next king of Israel and all of David’s brothers fit a more “kingly” look: bigger, stronger, tougher, taller.  Yet, little David, the young kid is the one God chooses, because of his heart.

Let’s not assume that God is saying “things people look at” are wrong.  He designed us to like the look of people.  He’s not saying we should ignore looks.  He’s saying He, God, is different.  He does not judge, nor reckon VALUE based on appearance. 

And this is a challenge to us: to strive not to judge people’s value based on appearances.  I don’t know if it works the same for girls, but as a guy, and guys are strongly visual, it is natural in a group to want to associate with the more attractive people, but that implies that they are more valuable. 

Now usually, I would say that a difference is in romantic attraction, yet, sometimes we need to be careful there too.  Many people were not attracted initially to someone, but found themselves attracted AFTER they got to know someone.  It’s weird how it works, but it actually happens a lot in life. 

I feel like this post goes so many ways, but, again, that is the beauty of real life, versus fake life: it is complex. 

If you’re interested in more on this subject, I wrote about it here and here and here and here.

Response to Megan's Chapel

Sometimes I like to share reactions to chapels and I thought Megan's was to be a good one to do that.  Often my reactions come from feeling that the speaker was somehow inaccurate or incomplete.  Quite honestly, Megan said everything that I often want to say about relationships and some! 

I loved (ha! and that's the topic:) that she balanced both of these views:
1. God loves love
2. Yet, we have to keep it from becoming an idol.

Love is such a profound experience because it's not just fun.  It taps into feeling worth something as a person and feeling desired, wanted, and enjoyed.  These are the same reasons many find hope in God.  They wonder if their life has purpose, if anyone cares about them.  To discover that those things are true is to feel truly l o v e d. 

Love from the opposite sex can seem to fill that need and that makes it easy to worship it.  It's no mistake that many worship songs could be love songs if you just change the pronouns!

Megan went into a lot of great ways to not idolize your love so I won't do that.  Needless to say, there is a beauty in bringing God into your relationship and His dreams be a part of yours.

My favorite part (and there were many, so I'm narrowing down!) was after Megan, rightfully, praised her boyfriend for being a great guy that changed a lot about her, she acknowledged that it is possible that they could break up.  This is key.  She was stating that what she learned about relationships and God was not tied to whether or not she and Robert eventually marry. 

She said that if we ever break up, I still have God.  My relationship with my wife is paramount to my life.  I can't imagine life without her.  Yet, I could lose her or she could lose me to, let's be honest, death.  But, I know that since we both have let ourselves be loved and have grown to love Father, we each could carry on.  We have something to live for that is not the other.  And because of that, we feel free to honestly love each other more.  It's kind of along the lines of the principle that if you let off the pressure you can be more real with each other. 

I also wanted to comment on the idea of going to far emotionally.  It was a really interesting concept.  Alas, I have class, so maybe next time!

Why I Like Sad Movies

I like funny movies the same as the next guy.  But I've got a thing for watching "heavy" movies.  I leave movies like Talladega Nights with a lighter heart and tired cheeks, but I leave movies like Les Miserables, Sunshine Cleaning, or Invictus somehow different.

I used to be a guy that was so big about the rules.  Now, don't get me wrong.  It wasn't all about being nice or being a teacher's pet.  Instead, when I really began following Christ with all my heart, I saw the wisdom in God's ways, as I perceived them, and was proud to live and promote them.  But, they eventually just became more about living rules instead of understanding God's heart.

Then I'd see movies where love had to break rules.  I'm not just talking about romantic love, but love for those who suffer.  Like Les Mis where a girl who is pregnant out of wedlock is desperate for help or in Sunshine Cleaning where the main character is convinced that the best she can do to not be lonely is to carry on an affair with a married man who has no commitment to her.  Then there's Henry Poole Is Here where a man argues vehemently against belief in God, but we find out later that he has a terminal illness that has crushed his hope.

These are all people who did wrong, "unrighteous" things.  Christians are supposed to fight these, argue against these, and vote to stop these...aren't they?  It's no wonder the religious world couldn't appreciate Jesus.  All kinds of sexual deviants, swindlers, and uneducated dopes seemed to pull toward him like old magnets on a fridge.

Somehow, he must have been able to see their souls, their stories, their sufferings.  We mostly sin to
fill a void, an emptiness, and Jesus could see it.  Lives were changed, but not by rules, by love.  Love has a way of calling out the true, noble "us" that is often buried beneath our coping mechanisms.

That perspective, Jesus', is the one that sad movies sometimes give me.  

Elizabeth O'Connor, an author, said that, "We each carry within us the image of God the Creator; we each have the task of making the earth into a fairer, kinder place.  The first step is imagining a better world, and that is most apt to happen when we suffer or look on suffering."

Be a Christian, break a law

What do both Jean Valjean and Tori Smith have in common?  They broke laws.  Valjean is the main character in Les Mis that we’re watching in class (or in the musical film that came out last at Christmas).  Tori Smith’s story was the article that some of you read in class about how she loved her husband after he lost his legs in Afghanistan serving in the military.

Valjean breaks the law left and right.  He doesn’t agree with Javert, the police authority, when he arrests Fantine.  He evades arrest when Valjean’s true identity is revealed.  He sneaks into the city of Paris and hides from the law.  The list could go on. 

When Tori’s husband is brought back in critical condition from Afghanistan and put in a hospital, she is told that she is not allowed to remain in the room.  She refuses to leave.  She breaks the laws of that hospital.

Why did they do these things?  Because they loved.  Valjean understood what it was like to be unfairly treated so he stood up and cared for Fantine.  His heart went out to the orphan Cosette so much that he evaded arrest in order to protect her.  Tori refused to follow hospital laws because love for her husband, and desire to be at his side at his toughest hour, was greater than her willingness to follow rules. 

I especially love Tori’s story because she breaks the social laws that we all feel.  You know the unwritten rules that people around us have.  Things that would have told someone like Tori: you deserve better.  Your husband can’t bring you happiness as a cripple.  It’s okay to move on.  All her actions cry out a decisive: NO!  I love him. 

I know all of you in your teen life feel these unwritten rules around you.  I feel them as an adult too.  But I want to choose love over ‘saving face.’  I know it’s hard and I don’t always come through either.  I remember when I was in high school that there were some people that I became friends with that weren’t the popular people.  The unwritten laws say, “Choose friends that get you places.”  But as God got ahold of my heart I wanted to love, to reach out to people who were open, people who were in touch with their needs.  So, I learned to love and ignore the rules of the ‘world’ around me. 

But let me say, there have been many times that I have not loved.  I admire my wife so much because she is so quick to reach out to people, even people she doesn’t know.  Doing that is often hard for me.  Sometimes I feel silly or weird, but she inspires me to push myself. 

So, let’s be social law breakers, eh?  Oddly enough there’s someone else who did this a whole lot.  It was a guy who lived in Galilee.  Law breakers are in good company.

Living Together-Why Not?

Imagine that you just got married.  That's a big deal!

You and your new wife run into a friend who, with a big smile, hugs you and asks, "So, newlyweds, how's married life?!"

Your wife replies, "It has been great!"

Now, do it again: imagine you just got married.

You and your new wife run into a friend, who, with a big smile, hugs you and asks, "So, newlyweds, how's married life?!"

Your wife replies, matter-of-factly, "Same as it was before."

Wo...that's deflating at best.

Guess what?  Both of these happened to my wife and me recently.  We asked that question to two different newlyweds in two different situations.

Can you guess the difference between these two?

The second couple lived together before they married.

I grew up hearing this example: having sex before you're married is like unwrapping your presents before Christmas morning.

But, living together, is like unwrapping your presents and playing with them for months, even years before jolly Santa arrives.

I know I'm going against the grain of the world we're all living in.  Moving in with a significant-other is just the "way people do it" it seems.

But I pray that you have the courage, and enough love for your own joy, that you will wait to open your presents on the special, mystical, blessed day called your wedding.

15 Years

15 years ago, yesterday, I got to marry my girl!  I have been blessed from on high everyday of those 15 years.

Focus on How Guys Are Different

Over the weekend we visited with some friends named Jenny and Brock. We've been pretty tight with them for many years. About two years ago, they moved to Michigan for a job. Obviously, we don't see them much anymore so it was cool that they were in town. We met at another friend's house. However, despite not seeing each other much, what did Brock do the whole time we were together? Watch the Ohio State/Michigan game. A little background: Brock loves sports and used to watch a ton more of it, but chose several years ago to not watch as much so that he could focus on his wife and family. Despite this, my wife Beth admitted that she was at first annoyed that Brock couldn't enjoy talking and catching up and just occasionally check the game. But, she said, since she had been reading this book about men called Keys to the Kingdom, her perspective quickly changed. In Keys to the Kingdom, Armstrong points out that women often assume men are immature, selfish, and inconsiderate. Some of this is simply because men are different. In large part, they focus. Armstrong writes that, "It is what men do naturally--they focus. And they focus on one thing at a time. It's the way they were designed to think....It is a remarkable quality. It is one of the things that make them able to remember details, like all of the statistics of a ballgame or an entire season. They are utterly focused on that one thing when they are participating." A few weeks ago I was at a wedding of a really sweet couple. However, about a year earlier they broke up while dating. The guy was a very successful high school wrestler and it was really hard for him to focus on his sport and also a girlfriend. So, he broke it off. You can imagine how distraught the girl was. Yet, it wasn't because he didn't love her; it was because he did! He knew she deserved his focus and he felt he couldn't give it. What had to happen in their case was that they needed to communicate about how to respect his need to focus on his sport, but at the same time learn how to give to their relationship. They eventually figured it out, and now they're husband and wife. But it would be easy to see the guy as being immature or selfish. Instead, it demonstrates that men focus and that should be respected. On the other hand, as the story also illustrates, guys sometimes have to learn how to share or shift focus when they need to. With all the differences between guys and girls, I wonder how much the Lord chuckled when He was making them.