An Ugly Romance: Love Without Legs

This story is cute.

But it's actually quite ugly.

Check out this video that shows their story.


Andrew and Tori Smith rushed their wedding to marry before Andrew's military deployment.  Within a short amount of time Andrew, stationed in in Afghanistan, stepped on an IED and lost both of his legs.

The vigorous commitment of his wife Tori is inspiring.  She drove hours to reach the last-minute location of the landing of the plane with her injured husband.  When he arrived at the hospital, she ignored protocol, breaking through the acceptable distance in order to hold his hand, kiss him, and tell him she loved him.

Hospital personnel instructed Tori that she was not to stay with her husband in the hospital room.
She disregarded them and stayed, even sleeping in a chair.

She stayed with him through every bend in the road and helped learn to walk again with prosthetic legs.  Today they are still together.

So cute, right?  But think about how ugly things really are.  What is it like to lay in bed with your husband who has no legs?  How might this affect their romantic relationship?  What limits might this put on their future?  Will he ever be able to run around with their future children?

One article said, "Shrapnel from the explosion ripped through his groin and slashed apart his abdomen...He lost his abdominal muscles on his right side.  Doctors performed 15 surgeries on his intestines."  I have no idea the implications these injuries have on Andrew's daily living, but there's got to be lots.

To me, though, recognizing these 'ugly' factors shows what real beauty is: love, commitment, affection in the midst of sadness, or even in spite of it.

It is proof that light can conquer darkness, that love can stomp on destruction.

Jesus' love is like this.  His cross-bearing is disgusting when you fully understand crucifixion.  And look at us, our failings, our messiness, yet love, His love pushes back the darkness.

Andrew and Tori have seen the evil, the destruction, the darkness that life tries to flood us with, and yet have said, "No, our love, and romance spits in the face of evil."

And there is beauty.

Is there someone you are trying to love, but it is messy?  Do you see the real beauty of your love?  Is there someone who loves you in your imperfections.  Do you honor the beauty of that love?

Do you, now, see why "Jesus loves me" is not just an old-hat, clichéd phrase?  In those three words there is universe-shattering, shocking, excessive beauty.

Here's the article that first introduced me to the Smith's and where I got a lot of the info above.
Here is a recent article about them:
Here is a more recent photo of them:

An Ugly Romance: Love Without Legs

This story is cute.

But it's actually quite ugly.

Check out this video that shows their story.


Andrew and Tori Smith rushed their wedding to marry before Andrew's military deployment.  Within a short amount of time Andrew, stationed in in Afghanistan, stepped on an IED and lost both of his legs.

The vigorous commitment of his wife Tori is inspiring.  She drove hours to reach the last-minute location of the landing of the plane with her injured husband.  When he arrived at the hospital, she ignored protocol, breaking through the acceptable distance in order to hold his hand, kiss him, and tell him she loved him.

Hospital personnel instructed Tori that she was not to stay with her husband in the hospital room.
She disregarded them and stayed, even sleeping in a chair.

She stayed with him through every bend in the road and helped learn to walk again with prosthetic legs.  Today they are still together.

So cute, right?  But think about how ugly things really are.  What is it like to lay in bed with your husband who has no legs?  How might this affect their romantic relationship?  What limits might this put on their future?  Will he ever be able to run around with their future children?

One article said, "Shrapnel from the explosion ripped through his groin and slashed apart his abdomen...He lost his abdominal muscles on his right side.  Doctors performed 15 surgeries on his intestines."  I have no idea the implications these injuries have on Andrew's daily living, but there's got to be lots.

To me, though, recognizing these 'ugly' factors shows what real beauty is: love, commitment, affection in the midst of sadness, or even in spite of it.

It is proof that light can conquer darkness, that love can stomp on destruction.

Jesus' love is like this.  His cross-bearing is disgusting when you fully understand crucifixion.  And look at us, our failings, our messiness, yet love, His love pushes back the darkness.

Andrew and Tori have seen the evil, the destruction, the darkness that life tries to flood us with, and yet have said, "No, our love, and romance spits in the face of evil."

And there is beauty.

Is there someone you are trying to love, but it is messy?  Do you see the real beauty of your love?  Is there someone who loves you in your imperfections.  Do you honor the beauty of that love?

Do you, now, see why "Jesus loves me" is not just an old-hat, clichéd phrase?  In those three words there is universe-shattering, shocking, excessive beauty.

Here's the article that first introduced me to the Smith's and where I got a lot of the info above.

Should, Want, & God

So recently I spoke in chapel about the value of worship in God's heart.  I've been asked to give a
"Why worship" chapel at the beginning of the school year for probably 5 years now.  I always struggle with the tension between: "You should sing" and "I encourage you to want to sing."

You could apply the "should"/"want" dichotomy to almost anything related to our relationship to Father.

For me, when I was younger, I was so good at doing what I "should" do that it also hardened my heart and I didn't feel close to God.

When I finally let myself experience Father's affection and felt truly loved (once I really believed I (1.) needed that love and (2.) didn't have to earn it), then I found the pleasure of "wanting" the things that my Father loved.

I guess I'd put it like this: I "should" be sweet to my wife, but if I lived my relationship to her with all "shoulds" she would know it and it would lose its real value.

What she wants and truly loves is when I "want" and take delight in her and being sweet to her.

I think this is why Paul wrote, "God LOVES a CHEERFUL giver."

Why do girls go for bad guys?

As a girl, you may find yourself attracted to guys that are bad for you.  That might seem odd, but it happens all the time. 

Girls fall for 'bad boys' a lot. 

It makes sense, though, because there's something exciting about the rebellious, ambitious nature of these guys.  It's "hot," as they say.  Nice guys seem boring. 

But remember this: the nice guys are men too.  They can also be ambitious and exciting, but you have to give them a chance to show it.  It may not come out in tattoos, risky actions, or nasty pranks.  It may come out in grand visions for their futures, ambitions for careers, a passion for music or art or theatre or technology.  Nice guys can be great boyfriends.  Plus, they're less likely to use you!  Remember, "nice" means they know how to relate well.  Bad boys simply know how to be cool on the popularity street.  

My wife admits to dating a drug-using bad boy in high school.  She always hoped she could change him. It didn't work (it rarely does), and she got hurt. 

While "bad boys" seem tough and confident, it's often a façade.  They don't know how to face real life challenges with confidence, actually.  The 'nice guys' often know the real world-the one where there are jobs and responsibilities.  These are guys that will have the heart and guts to eventually take care of a woman, romance her, and make her a truly happy life. 

The immature bad boy, however, won't translate well into a twenty-something guy with a vision for a future.  Once they catch their 'hot chick' and marry her, they don't always know how to keep winning her heart, or how to provide a good life for her. 

Do yourself a favor and don't jump on the bandwagon of attraction.  It does cue you into something you like, but try to find that attribute in a guy that also has qualities that make him worth your time.

How to get a guy to do what you want him to

(This is a post I wrote for the marriage blog that my wife and I write, but while marriage is a ways off for most of you, I'm convinced that the more you learn about the opposite sex and the earlier, the more successful you'll be at relationships)

Psst. Want to get a man to do what you want him to?

Here's how:

Accept that he doesn't want to do it.

Uh, really.

I know this does not seem helpful, but let me explain.

Taking out the trash, cutting the lawn, moving the furniture around, cleaning the dishes, putting the kids down at night...none of it, for a man, is worth doing.

Great, right?

Here's the thing: for a woman, just completing those tasks is satisfying.  Not so for him.  He works hard at his job.  Those tasks are not intrinsically motivating.

But something else WILL motivate him.

A man is hard-wired (by God I would say) to yearn to be a hero, especially his woman's hero.  A hero is eager to do a task when he knows exactly how it will rescue someone.

So, if he only thinks that the dirty dishes annoy you, that is not motivating to a hero.

He needs to know what it will provide for you.

For example, "Sweetheart, when you take care of the dishes after dinner, it really makes me feel appreciated and helps me enjoy making nice meals for our family.  Plus, it gives me time to relax so I can be in better spirits to enjoy our evening together.

Suddenly, washing the dishes becomes an act of heroism.  He now knows what it provides for you.  Nothing else is as motivating to us guys as providing for our woman.

This is distinct from nagging.  That demotivates because it implies that you don't think he wants to help you and it also doesn't give him a chance to be a hero.  It only gives him a chance to get off your back.

As Alison Armstrong puts it, "You are the person for whom he most wants to be, and needs to be, a hero. This means you are the center of his results. You are the reason for his results.  Men play for points. And it is your points that he wants the most."

Excerpt From: Alison A. Armstrong. “The Queen's Code.” Routledge. iBooks.
This material may be protected by copyright.

Relationships 101: Lovely Ladies

This is a guest post by my amazing wife, Beth:

As the Easter Day was coming to a close, and Kurt and I were finally in bed, heading into the delightful dream world, I asked my man about his favorite part of the day.

Thankfully, he was still awake for what he shared with me I don't think I'll ever forget.

He said that he loved seeing our girls all fancy in their Easter dresses, but not only that, he said that he really loved telling them how lovely they looked.  

How lovely they looked.

Wow.

He continued to tell me that he hoped these small deposits will build into our girls greater confidence and security that they indeed are very loved.

He spoke life into them.

One of our fav. hip hop singer/artists dudes is Toby Mac.  He has this song called Speak Life.  He sings about how everyday we have a choice to either encourage or discourage through the words we speak.  

It seems so simple, but I think, the impact can go beyond anything we can imagine.  

Relationship Training 101: love me as I am

As we raise our kids, we realize just how much healthy relationship skills are not natural.

Yet, notice how we spend years in school preparing for a career, but get almost no training in how to have good relationships, particularly romantic and marriage ones.

And, let's be honest, the marriage relationship you will someday have will have an impact on your life far greater than any career ever will.

Now, I know a lot of my readers are teens, but even if you're 15, consider that for some of you, marriage is really only 7 years away (i.e. I got married at 22).

With all that said, let's launch:

Relationship Training 101!

Ok, picture this sexy scene:

My lovely fiancee, sitting next to me in a car, looks over and says, "Have you ever cut your ear hair?"

Excuse me?!

She explained that she would like it if I cut my...ear hair.

Cue my offense.  I made some hurt-filled remark about thinking she should love me as I am!

Oh, how far we've come.  It took years for us both to realize "love me as I am" often means "I don't want to change for you."

What used to be offensive to each other is now actually fun!  We want to do the things that the other finds sexy or just plain nice.  Why?  Because we now WANT to bless the other.

So, Beth has learned to wear heels just for me!  For my recent birthday, we even went clothes shopping for her and she bought cute clothes that I liked.

I've gotten myself working out more because Beth likes to see my muscles more toned.  And, yes...I cut my ear hair regularly!  :)

Each of the above was outside of our norm, but that's one thing love does: it makes you do crazy
things because you want to bless the other.

This whole situation probably doesn't apply much to a casual or an early dating relationship, but in one that has gone long-term, and of course, in marriage.  It certainly doesn't apply when your significant other is asking something of you that goes against your values or morals.  

Here's the action point: In a long-term relationship, you've got to take the risk to communicate what you'd like.  Ideally, you have to find some time when you're both relaxed and chatty and lovingly, gently say, "There's something I'd really like and would mean a lot of love to me.  Would you mind if I share it?"  Then, and this is key, say, "And after me, I'd love for you to share some ways I could do somethings you'd like too."

A Swimsuit Issue of Men?

By now, if you are around the news at all, even via Yahoo,  you've probably heard about, or at least seen, the cover of  Sports Illustrated's swimsuit issue.  Some of you may even have a copy lying on the coffee table at home.  I do not, but the controversy surrounding the latest cover is quite interesting.  One particularly frustrated reaction about the cover came in a CNN article titled: "Why no Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue of Men?"


Interesting question.  Why don't they have a swimsuit issue with guys in swimwear?

The intellectuals out there are so bothered by this!  People with graduate degrees in Gender Studies raise their arms in dismay!

Yet...my grandmother, who never graced the door of a college or maybe even a high school, could tell you the answer.  Men are aroused visually to a degree incomparable to women. 

Yes, women appreciate a good-looking man, but most adult women don't get turned on by seeing the leg of a random dude.  A guy wearing a small bathing suit would be cause for chuckles, not awe. 

As Jesus-followers we have had a long history of granting saint-status to women's mode of attraction.  They are lured by a whole person, a person with a story.  That's why romance novels and romantic comedies are so alluring to them.  They might enjoy a picture of some hot famous man, but not typically by an anonymous one.  They like a specific guy with a story.

Are they better?  Are women better able to reflect God this way?  Are men just more sinful because they get turned on by visual means so easily?

I would suggest that God made both men and women different and both are valid. 

Both sexes have to fight their natures.  Men have to fight their sex drives so that it doesn't harm others and that it is channeled toward an honest, loving relationship (ultimately marriage). 

But women have their fight too against their nature.  Women are prone to be overly emotional, to
think with feelings instead of reason, to manipulate relationships, and to have outbursts (I'm being general of course.  There are always exceptions).  They too have to learn to restrain their bad sides and to channel their emotional energies in healthy ways.

Women are often given a pass and instead, too often, men's sexual designs are vilified.  The author of the CNN article illustrates this when she asks, "If the point (of the SI Swimsuit Edition) is to objectify women, and subvert them in some way, then why isn't there a similar model for men?"

This charge is often leveled at men: they just "objectify" women.  They turn them into sex objects.

I used to make this argument as well.  But what does it mean?  Here is what I think "they" mean: men are turned on by looks, and when they are, they see (read "value") women only as objects for sexual desire and nothing else. 

I would like to stand up and pronounce what most (of course there are bad men, just as there are bad women) men have known for centuries: Men can walk and chew gum at the same time. 

A man can find a woman utterly attractive and alluring, and...(are you ready for this?)...ALSO recognize her as smart, intelligent, professional, capable, competent, even a genius. 

Most grown-up men do not have a problem with this.  God bless the man who marries a woman that he respects as a competent, intelligent person, but also sees her as a delightful source of sexual and relational pleasure.  Isn't this what we all long for? 

I recently heard a man talk about his parents who died a few years ago.  He remarked that his mom kept herself looking sexy (we usually say 'attractive') for her husband until she was 89 years old (In the last year of her life, she was hospitalized and unable to tend to her appearance).  His mom was not subjugating herself or falling into some male scheme of being objectified; she understood how the man she loved was attracted and she strove to bless him, just as in the same way he reached out to the ways she was attracted.  That is what marriage does.  We don't marry a twin.  We marry someone different and we long to meet each other's needs, even when they are different from our own.

In closing, I do want to acknowledge that the SI cover is hyper-sexual and there are moral issues to address as to whether it should grace the cover of such a publication that ends up, in many cases, on the coffee tables of many households for children to behold.  My point in this post was not to address that, but to use it as a springboard to recognize the God-designed differences of male and female sexuality.

Oh, and check out Proverbs 5:18-19.  It shows that the Bible has something to say about this subject too!

Love Without Legs: An Ugly Romance

This story is cute.

But it's actually quite ugly.

Check out this video that shows their story.


Andrew and Tori Smith rushed their wedding to marry before Andrew's military deployment.  Within a short amount of time Andrew, stationed in in Afghanistan, stepped on an IED and lost both of his legs.

The vigorous commitment of his wife Tori is inspiring.  She drove hours to reach the last-minute location of the landing of the plane with her injured husband.  When he arrived at the hospital, she ignored protocol, breaking through the acceptable distance in order to hold his hand, kiss him, and tell him she loved him. 

Hospital personnel instructed Tori that she was not to stay with her husband in the hospital room. 
She disregarded them and stayed, even sleeping in a chair. 

She stayed with him through every bend in the road and helped learn to walk again with prosthetic legs.  Today they are still together. 

So cute, right?  But think about how ugly things really are.  What is it like to lay in bed with your husband who has no legs?  How might this affect their romantic relationship?  What limits might this put on their future?  Will he ever be able to run around with their future children? 

One article said, "Shrapnel from the explosion ripped through his groin and slashed apart his abdomen...He lost his abdominal muscles on his right side.  Doctors performed 15 surgeries on his intestines."  I have no idea the implications these injuries have on Andrew's daily living, but there's got to be lots. 

To me, though, recognizing these 'ugly' factors shows what real beauty is: love, commitment, affection in the midst of sadness, or even in spite of it. 

It is proof that light can conquer darkness, that love can stomp on destruction.

Jesus' love is like this.  His cross-bearing is disgusting when you fully understand crucifixion.  And look at us, our failings, our messiness, yet love, His love pushes back the darkness.

Andrew and Tori have seen the evil, the destruction, the darkness that life tries to flood us with, and yet have said, "No, our love, and romance spits in the face of evil."

And there is beauty.

Is there someone you are trying to love, but it is messy?  Do you see the real beauty of your love?  Is there someone who loves you in your imperfections.  Do you honor the beauty of that love? 

Do you, now, see why "Jesus loves me" is not just an old-hat, clichéd phrase?  In those three words there is universe-shattering, shocking, excessive beauty.

Here's the article that first introduced me to the Smith's and where I got a lot of the info above.
Here's a site dedicated to Tori and Andrew.

Living Together?

This is a segment I took directly from this book by Kevin Leman that my wife and I are reading:

From early sex, today's dating darlings typically advance to "shacking up," or living together without being married.  The number of unmarried couples who live together in America increased by close to 1,000 percent between 1960 and 1998.  Whereas cohabitation before marriage was an anomaly in the early 1900s, today, over half of all marriages include some form of premarital cohabitation.

Supposedly, this living together is a form of trial marriage, a way of gathering vital information about a partner's character, but guess what?  This so-called "weeding-out" process actually works against the intended goal of lifelong, fulfilling marriage!  Instead of pulling weeds, it plants them!

A recent Penn State study found that couples who live together before getting married have poorer

communication skills when trying to solve a problem than those who didn't cohabit prior to marriage.  Study coauthor Catherine Cohan suggested that cohabitants "may have less invested in the relationship, leading them not to try to develop their skills."

Numerous studies have shown that cohabitation results in hurting women and men who have suffered numerous relational breakups, creating an ever-growing distrust of future relationships.  Such "quasi-commitments" actually weaken the mutual dedication and perseverance that is all-important for a successful marriage.  It's not too surprising, then, when Popenoe and Whitehead point out that only one in ten last five years or more.  Sadly, every one of these failed, cohabiting relationships makes you a little less fit to enjoy a lifelong, satisfying marriage.

I have counseled thousands of couples, before and after marriage.  Some of them have lived together before tying the knot.  Others never moved in together, but spent their share of time heating up the sheets.  Still others managed to stay of out bed and kept their own address until the day they got married.  Without equivocation I can say that if you want a marriage that takes you from your twenties until the day you die, that fulfills you and inspires others, that results in kindred-spirit communication and soul-mate loyalty, having sex before marriage and living together before marriage will take you in the wrong direction.  That's not the best way to find your true love.

The Vow

This is an article by Kathy L. Gilbert about the real couple that is portrayed in the movie, The Vow.  The original article is here: http://www.umc.org/news-and-media/the-vow-a-real-love-story-of-faith

How seriously do you take the vow, "till death do us part?"

If you look at the statistics - half of all first-time marriages end in divorce - it seems not too many people say "I do" forever.

The Vow, a movie based on Kim and Krickitt Carpenter's story, debuted Feb. 10 and was the top movie of the weekend, making $41.7 million. However, the romantic movie is not even close to telling the true story of faith and commitment that has kept the Carpenters devoted to each other for 20 years.

Their saga began 10 weeks after their wedding on Sept. 18, 1993. They were in a serious automobile accident that left Krickitt with no memories of her husband or their new marriage. She suffered a severe brain trauma that wiped out 18 months of her life - the entire time she and Kim met, dated and married.

While he was still madly in love with her, he was a stranger she wanted nothing to do with.  The glue that kept them together was their faith in Christ and the promise they had made before God.

The Carpenters attend First United Methodist Church in Farmington, N.M. "Both of us know unconditionally we would not have made it through this ordeal without the Lord being in the center of it all," Kim Carpenter told United Methodist News Service.

Krickitt spent months in a coma and then months more in physical therapy, but she has never regained those 18 months of memory. Her recovery was slow, her personality changed and at times she told Kim she hated him.

"At a low point in my life, I didn't think this marriage was going to work. I didn't have the faith that we were going to make it," Kim said. "At the same time, I wasn't going to leave her in the state she was in; I was vowing to stay with her."

 

 Story gets out

The media first learned of their story when a reporter came to interview Kim about his work as a

baseball coach. In the course of the conversation, the story came out.
When the Carpenters renewed their vows and had a second wedding in 1996, it was a media circus. People were amazed and encouraged by their story, so Krickitt asked God to use their story to show others his amazing love and power.

They wrote a book about their story in 2000 and updated the book to coincide with the opening of the movie on Feb. 10.

"We enjoyed the movie but we were a little frustrated by the artistic license they took," Kim said. "The dramatization in the movie was much greater, but it is hard to put 20 years of challenges into 103 minutes."

Enduring faith

Krickitt's faith never faltered, and she never considered divorce.

"A Scripture I really hold onto is Philippians 4:13: 'I can do all things through him who strengthens me.' I believed I was called according to God's purpose, and I followed with my whole heart," she said.

Kim said he has taken offense to some of the media reporting him as "heroic, courageous, manly."
They insist they are an ordinary couple with two children, Danny and LeeAnn.

"It is amazing we live in a world that there is such a big deal made about a man and woman who simply did what we said we were going to do," Kim said.

The book and the movie are providing a platform for them to talk about their faith.

"People all over the world are seeking something higher, some message," Kim said. "We have been
very grateful for the prayers and well wishes we have received. We know the Lord is not going to give us more than we can handle."

*Gilbert is a multimedia reporter for the young adult content team at United Methodist Communications, Nashville, Tenn.

Dating INward

Love is not just the domain of chick flicks and cheesy pop songs.  Love is also the domain of the greatest literature and art in the history of mankind.  Even God, when trying to explain the intensity of the passion between the Messiah and His people, compared them to the passion between a bride and a groom.

This is because one of the most dangerous, exciting, and satisfying journeys of life is the adventure of finding and learning to love one person, and love them well.

One contemporary author who writes a great deal about love is Debra K. Fileta.  She is a regular relationship columnist for Relevant Magazine.  Read her article: Here's How to Find True Love


I'd like to get some dialogue running about Fileta's three concepts of dating inward, outward, and upward.

After reading about dating inward in her article, here are some questions I think that are worth exploring:

What in the world does it mean to "get to know yourself"?
Why is dating inward important to a relationship?

Dating UPward

Love is not just the domain of chick flicks and cheesy pop songs.  Love is also the domain of the greatest literature and art in the history of mankind.  Even God, when trying to explain the intensity of the passion between the Messiah and His people, compared them to the passion between a bride and a groom.

This is because one of the most dangerous, exciting, and satisfying journeys of life is the adventure of finding and learning to love one person, and love them well.

One contemporary author who writes a great deal about love is Debra K. Fileta.  She is a regular relationship columnist for Relevant Magazine.  Read her article: Here's How to Find True Love



I'd like to get some dialogue running about Fileta's three concepts of dating inward, outward, and upward.

After reading about dating upward in her article, here are some questions I think that are worth exploring:

How does a normal teen actually do this?
What does it practically mean to allow God's "definition of love to permeate your relationships"?
How will dating look differently if God is involved?

Can Love Really Last?

If I just find the right one then...

If I just marry a good guy then...
If I just marry someone who is a Christian then...
If I just find someone who has the same sense of humor then...
If I just end up with a girl that likes the same stuff as me then...

...then I will stay in love forever.
...then I will always feel this way.
...then we will always be happy.

You probably have figured out by now that the above statements are not true.  So, what are your options? 

Despair    or    Denial.

Despair: romance never lasts so you take it while you can. (That's sad)
Denial: I'm different and I'll find lasting romance. (Good luck)

I'd like to propose "D" number 3: Determined.

Falling in love is aptly named.  Most people find themselves "falling" into it.  It's almost as if the invisible Cupid shot an arrow.  How you meet someone and fall in love is mysterious and wonder-full. 

It makes sense, then, to think, like most people do, that it is natural to stay in the love that you fell into (assuming you found the "right" person of course).

But it doesn't.  And the sooner you realize it, the happier you will be.  Romance, long-term romance, life-lasting romance, requires determined effort. 

You must believe that it can happen, that you can be "in love" for a lifetime, but that it will not "just happen" and is a lot harder than it seems. 

Romance is feelings-based and anyone who has lived long enough realizes that feelings don't stay constant.  They go up and down.  Just think about how you feel about your parents or siblings! 

To maintain a feeling, you have to cultivate it with actions.  These things are natural in the early stages of a relationship because that's all you really do together is cultivate your relationship.  You go on dates, you text each other, you write sweet notes, you dress up for the other, you put on cologne, you buy gifts, you think about the other, and so on.

When you get married, or even if you date for a lengthy amount of time, you begin to do 'routine' life together.  For married people that includes doing dishes, cutting the grass, raising children, going to work, cleaning the house.  For dating people that can be things like studying together, going to siblings' birthday parties, sitting in study hall or eating lunch at the same table, going to a football game together. 

When routine sets in, that's when you have to be Determined-determine to fan the fire of your romance.  This sounds very unromantic, but send a text even when you're tired, write a note even when you're busy with other things, say encouraging words even when you're in a bad mood, be affectionate even if your mind is preoccupied with work or homework, say something kind instead something snarky when you're annoyed. 

Romance is a fire that will slowly, but surely, die out if you don't keep putting wood on the fire and move the sticks around to give the right air flow-especially when you don't feel the 'mood.'

I have seen people give up on the fire in real life all the time.  They stop doing the things that attracted them to each other in the first place.  Resentment sets in, bitterness arises, defensiveness seals off openness, and anger takes the place of sweetness. 

So, you're a teen or young adult.  Why care about all this now?  If you plan on becoming a doctor, would you say, "Well, I'm not a doctor yet, so why should I learn about medicine now?"  No, you'd go to school and start studying bio!  Do the same with romance now: Be Determined.

Fall in attraction; choose in love - Allegiant

Falling in love.

We all want it.  It might scare us, but our pulses beat a bit faster when we consider it happening to us.

But the word "fall" is problematic.

Falling is something happens to you.  You don't typically choose to fall.  We use this word with love because it is often surprising how we find ourselves attracted to someone of the opposite sex.

I, however, don't think we fall in love.  I think we "fall" in attraction and we choose to love.

Tris, in the Divergent series, has a longstanding relationship with Tobias.  In the 3rd book, Allegiant, they go through several major upheavals, and after one of them Tris says the following:

"I use to think that when people fell in love, they just landed where they landed, and they had no choice in the matter afterward.  And maybe that's true of beginnings, but it's not true of this, now.

"I fell in love with him.  But I don't stay with him by default as if there's no one else available to me.  I stay with him because I choose to, every day that I wake up, every day that we fight or lie to each other or disappoint each other.  I choose him over and over again, and he chooses me."

My wife and I often counsel dating and married couples.  I can tell you this: falling in love doesn't make relationships last.  But choosing that person again and again does.

On the flip side, you may end up dating someone that you "fell" into.  It's okay to recognize that, after a while, you may discover that you don't want to choose them anymore.  Don't be fooled by "but we fell in love."  If you discover that you don't work together well, or you are looking for something else, it's okay to let go.  Trust Your Shepherd to lead you.  You can find "true" love again.  True love, in reality, is the one you choose at an altar.

Sex-positive Christians?

One of my classes recently asked, "What's your opinion on sex?"  Of course, it may have been asked purely to be funny, but here's the thing: We are constantly hearing people's opinions on sex in the  
media, whether from movies or Miley Cyrus.  How often do we hear it from Jesus followers?  And, if we do it hear it from a Jesus follower, is it just another "No, no, no" message? 

Well, in my attempt to answer this question in class, I made reference to an article that I think does a great job at explaining why people who live in the Father's love can actually be the most sex-positive people in our culture. 

Below is an excerpt from that article by Paul Byerly called "Sex-Positive Christians."

"To me, sex positive means being for things that lead to a long, enjoyable sex life, and being against things that prevent a long, enjoyable sex life. No matter how much someone might want or enjoy something today, if it is going to hurt their sex life in the long-term, then I do not see it as sex positive.

 

"A few examples from other areas of life will make this clear. Junk food tastes good, and brings pleasure to the body, but too much of it harms the body. Rock climbing without the proper equipment and training can bring a sense of accomplishment and a big adrenalin thrill, but it could lead to an injury that leaves you physically limited for the rest of your life.

"The secular (non-spiritually minded) sex positive crowd would tell us that most of the problems we see with sexual behaviors are really a result of cultural standards. They will tell you that those things do not really hurt anyone, and that the negative effects often seen are a result of cultural fear and guilt imposed on people by a sex negative society. That sounds good, but those who say it cannot offer any support for their claims. Those who want to be free to do whatever are happy with someone telling them the limitations are wrong – proof neither required nor expected!

"Many of the things attributed to culture, fear, and guilt have a bad habit of happening to people who abandon standards to have a good time sexually. As far back as the 1960’s feminism has been telling women they could enjoy impersonal sex just like men. Millions of women bought in to that and jumped into a life of sex for the sake of sex, but the vast majority have been disappointed. At best, they enjoy the sex physically, but feel empty emotionally. What’s more, most do not enjoy the sex that much physically. Several studies of the “hook up” culture have found that women are far less likely than men to experience orgasm in these situations. The same is true for "friends with benefits" arrangements and other casual sexual relationships; men get a lot more pleasure from the encounters. Decades of studies have found that couples who live together before marriage have a much higher divorce rate than those who do not. Studies on marital and sexual happiness give similar results – living together before marriage reduces both.

"Is there any proof that traditional ideas about sex lead to better sex? YES! Studies have found that

those who are most happy with their sex life are those who had only one sex partner in the last year. Studies find that married couples have more sex than non-married individuals of the same age do, while other studies have found that greater sexual frequency correlates strongly with being happier. Several long-term studies found that monogamy is beneficial to overall health, while promiscuity is harmful. This is true even if you control for sexually transmitted diseases. Both male commitment and being in a relationship improve the chances of a woman having an orgasm, and both increase her self-described enjoyment of sex regardless of whether or not she climaxes. A study of couples (most studies of sex are done on individuals) found that sex gets better and better the longer a couple is together. For women the best sex is with a man she has been with for decades.

"The evidence is clear; if you want the best sex, if you want the most frequent sex, choose sex in a committed marriage. We should not be surprised that doing as God instructs us leads to the best sex. God created our sexuality, and intended it for our good. Because God made sex exceptionally pleasurable, far more enjoyable than necessary to keep the human race going, it seems clear that He intended us to enjoy it a great deal. It thus makes sense that His rules and limits would result in the best sex.

"We believe that God intends for married couples to have sex passionately, frequently, and without guilt."

Response to Megan's Chapel

Sometimes I like to share reactions to chapels and I thought Megan's was to be a good one to do that.  Often my reactions come from feeling that the speaker was somehow inaccurate or incomplete.  Quite honestly, Megan said everything that I often want to say about relationships and some! 

I loved (ha! and that's the topic:) that she balanced both of these views:
1. God loves love
2. Yet, we have to keep it from becoming an idol.

Love is such a profound experience because it's not just fun.  It taps into feeling worth something as a person and feeling desired, wanted, and enjoyed.  These are the same reasons many find hope in God.  They wonder if their life has purpose, if anyone cares about them.  To discover that those things are true is to feel truly l o v e d. 

Love from the opposite sex can seem to fill that need and that makes it easy to worship it.  It's no mistake that many worship songs could be love songs if you just change the pronouns!

Megan went into a lot of great ways to not idolize your love so I won't do that.  Needless to say, there is a beauty in bringing God into your relationship and His dreams be a part of yours.

My favorite part (and there were many, so I'm narrowing down!) was after Megan, rightfully, praised her boyfriend for being a great guy that changed a lot about her, she acknowledged that it is possible that they could break up.  This is key.  She was stating that what she learned about relationships and God was not tied to whether or not she and Robert eventually marry. 

She said that if we ever break up, I still have God.  My relationship with my wife is paramount to my life.  I can't imagine life without her.  Yet, I could lose her or she could lose me to, let's be honest, death.  But, I know that since we both have let ourselves be loved and have grown to love Father, we each could carry on.  We have something to live for that is not the other.  And because of that, we feel free to honestly love each other more.  It's kind of along the lines of the principle that if you let off the pressure you can be more real with each other. 

I also wanted to comment on the idea of going to far emotionally.  It was a really interesting concept.  Alas, I have class, so maybe next time!

Living Together-Why Not?

Imagine that you just got married.  That's a big deal!

You and your new wife run into a friend who, with a big smile, hugs you and asks, "So, newlyweds, how's married life?!"

Your wife replies, "It has been great!"

Now, do it again: imagine you just got married.

You and your new wife run into a friend, who, with a big smile, hugs you and asks, "So, newlyweds, how's married life?!"

Your wife replies, matter-of-factly, "Same as it was before."

Wo...that's deflating at best.

Guess what?  Both of these happened to my wife and me recently.  We asked that question to two different newlyweds in two different situations.

Can you guess the difference between these two?

The second couple lived together before they married.

I grew up hearing this example: having sex before you're married is like unwrapping your presents before Christmas morning.

But, living together, is like unwrapping your presents and playing with them for months, even years before jolly Santa arrives.

I know I'm going against the grain of the world we're all living in.  Moving in with a significant-other is just the "way people do it" it seems.

But I pray that you have the courage, and enough love for your own joy, that you will wait to open your presents on the special, mystical, blessed day called your wedding.

15 Years

15 years ago, yesterday, I got to marry my girl!  I have been blessed from on high everyday of those 15 years.

Focus on How Guys Are Different

Over the weekend we visited with some friends named Jenny and Brock. We've been pretty tight with them for many years. About two years ago, they moved to Michigan for a job. Obviously, we don't see them much anymore so it was cool that they were in town. We met at another friend's house. However, despite not seeing each other much, what did Brock do the whole time we were together? Watch the Ohio State/Michigan game. A little background: Brock loves sports and used to watch a ton more of it, but chose several years ago to not watch as much so that he could focus on his wife and family. Despite this, my wife Beth admitted that she was at first annoyed that Brock couldn't enjoy talking and catching up and just occasionally check the game. But, she said, since she had been reading this book about men called Keys to the Kingdom, her perspective quickly changed. In Keys to the Kingdom, Armstrong points out that women often assume men are immature, selfish, and inconsiderate. Some of this is simply because men are different. In large part, they focus. Armstrong writes that, "It is what men do naturally--they focus. And they focus on one thing at a time. It's the way they were designed to think....It is a remarkable quality. It is one of the things that make them able to remember details, like all of the statistics of a ballgame or an entire season. They are utterly focused on that one thing when they are participating." A few weeks ago I was at a wedding of a really sweet couple. However, about a year earlier they broke up while dating. The guy was a very successful high school wrestler and it was really hard for him to focus on his sport and also a girlfriend. So, he broke it off. You can imagine how distraught the girl was. Yet, it wasn't because he didn't love her; it was because he did! He knew she deserved his focus and he felt he couldn't give it. What had to happen in their case was that they needed to communicate about how to respect his need to focus on his sport, but at the same time learn how to give to their relationship. They eventually figured it out, and now they're husband and wife. But it would be easy to see the guy as being immature or selfish. Instead, it demonstrates that men focus and that should be respected. On the other hand, as the story also illustrates, guys sometimes have to learn how to share or shift focus when they need to. With all the differences between guys and girls, I wonder how much the Lord chuckled when He was making them.