Men can't control themselves: True?

The author of The Prisoner of Zenda wrote a prequel called The Heart of Princess Osra.  Basically, every chapter follows the life of a different man who falls in love with Princess Osra.  Every one of them either must leave the country or die because her beauty has driven them mad with love.  In one case a man, who has disguised himself as a soldier to get close to her, ultimately decides to kill the princess so that honest men will no longer suffer because of her beauty.  He, of course, can’t do it, but instead dies to protect the Princess.  After this Osra asks the King to make her a nun so “that she might trouble honest men no more.”

This is an entertaining story to read, but is a pack of lies for girls.  Let me address five myths:

Myth #1: Men can’t control themselves.

Bull.  There are men who don’t control themselves, but that’s true of anyone, right?  What you wear, or how you look, doesn’t make a guy do anything.  In the Christian world we talk about girls causing guys “to stumble” by wearing clothing that might cause them to lust.  Girls don’t cause this.  This is important because lots of girls feel ashamed of themselves when they have been violated (physically or verbally or by text etc.) by a guy.  There is part of them that feels like they caused it or “asked” for it.  I’d like to drive 100mph on the highway because it would be a thrill, but I choose not to do it.  But, if I did, and got a ticket, I can’t say “movies with chase scenes” made me do it.  If a guy blamed you for a violation of his, he is lying. 

There is another side this coin: how you look does have impact.  Here's a post where I addressed this.

A Swimsuit Issue of Men?

By now, if you are around the news at all, even via Yahoo,  you've probably heard about, or at least seen, the cover of  Sports Illustrated's swimsuit issue.  Some of you may even have a copy lying on the coffee table at home.  I do not, but the controversy surrounding the latest cover is quite interesting.  One particularly frustrated reaction about the cover came in a CNN article titled: "Why no Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue of Men?"


Interesting question.  Why don't they have a swimsuit issue with guys in swimwear?

The intellectuals out there are so bothered by this!  People with graduate degrees in Gender Studies raise their arms in dismay!

Yet...my grandmother, who never graced the door of a college or maybe even a high school, could tell you the answer.  Men are aroused visually to a degree incomparable to women. 

Yes, women appreciate a good-looking man, but most adult women don't get turned on by seeing the leg of a random dude.  A guy wearing a small bathing suit would be cause for chuckles, not awe. 

As Jesus-followers we have had a long history of granting saint-status to women's mode of attraction.  They are lured by a whole person, a person with a story.  That's why romance novels and romantic comedies are so alluring to them.  They might enjoy a picture of some hot famous man, but not typically by an anonymous one.  They like a specific guy with a story.

Are they better?  Are women better able to reflect God this way?  Are men just more sinful because they get turned on by visual means so easily?

I would suggest that God made both men and women different and both are valid. 

Both sexes have to fight their natures.  Men have to fight their sex drives so that it doesn't harm others and that it is channeled toward an honest, loving relationship (ultimately marriage). 

But women have their fight too against their nature.  Women are prone to be overly emotional, to
think with feelings instead of reason, to manipulate relationships, and to have outbursts (I'm being general of course.  There are always exceptions).  They too have to learn to restrain their bad sides and to channel their emotional energies in healthy ways.

Women are often given a pass and instead, too often, men's sexual designs are vilified.  The author of the CNN article illustrates this when she asks, "If the point (of the SI Swimsuit Edition) is to objectify women, and subvert them in some way, then why isn't there a similar model for men?"

This charge is often leveled at men: they just "objectify" women.  They turn them into sex objects.

I used to make this argument as well.  But what does it mean?  Here is what I think "they" mean: men are turned on by looks, and when they are, they see (read "value") women only as objects for sexual desire and nothing else. 

I would like to stand up and pronounce what most (of course there are bad men, just as there are bad women) men have known for centuries: Men can walk and chew gum at the same time. 

A man can find a woman utterly attractive and alluring, and...(are you ready for this?)...ALSO recognize her as smart, intelligent, professional, capable, competent, even a genius. 

Most grown-up men do not have a problem with this.  God bless the man who marries a woman that he respects as a competent, intelligent person, but also sees her as a delightful source of sexual and relational pleasure.  Isn't this what we all long for? 

I recently heard a man talk about his parents who died a few years ago.  He remarked that his mom kept herself looking sexy (we usually say 'attractive') for her husband until she was 89 years old (In the last year of her life, she was hospitalized and unable to tend to her appearance).  His mom was not subjugating herself or falling into some male scheme of being objectified; she understood how the man she loved was attracted and she strove to bless him, just as in the same way he reached out to the ways she was attracted.  That is what marriage does.  We don't marry a twin.  We marry someone different and we long to meet each other's needs, even when they are different from our own.

In closing, I do want to acknowledge that the SI cover is hyper-sexual and there are moral issues to address as to whether it should grace the cover of such a publication that ends up, in many cases, on the coffee tables of many households for children to behold.  My point in this post was not to address that, but to use it as a springboard to recognize the God-designed differences of male and female sexuality.

Oh, and check out Proverbs 5:18-19.  It shows that the Bible has something to say about this subject too!

Homecoming-Tips for the Guys

I remember my first Homecoming dance in 1990.  It was a complete blast.  I had never been to a formal dance before.  Grade school dances were just plain stupid.  High school was a completely different story. 

For freshman year homecoming I went with a bunch of friends and, honestly, that was easy.  It was my sophomore year when it got complicated because, for the first time, I went with a date. 

Some of you are probably going with a date and, if you are an underclassman, that may be a pretty new thing for you.  So, in light of that, I wanted to throw a few ideas out to the guys in particular.

Ok, so first, accept that it will feel a bit (or a lot) awkward.  You may like the girl you’re taking, or you may not be sure.  Or she may like you, or you’re not sure, or she’s not sure.  Ugh!  Regardless, you’ve got a chance to practice being a gentleman.  That’s not an insignificant thing.  That is a GREAT thing.  There are a lot of men out there who are selfish jerks, and, unfortunately, they give the rest of us a bad name.  So, give men a good name and have fun treating a girl like gold.

Let’s start with practicals:  Look and smell nice.  How?  Here’s a few things: wear deodorant, brush your teeth reeeeally well, floss (seriously-bad breath is commonly from unflossed teeth), cut your nails, shave (even if you don’t have much to shave yet!), get a haircut, and my favorite: carry around Altoids.  You know those “curiously strong mints” that you can buy at Target.  Keep a few in your pocket.  Pop one just before you walk into her house.  Pop one after you are done with dinner.  Pop one before a slow dance. 

Oh, yeah, and if you can get a hold of some cologne, spray a little bit on your hands and put it on your neck. 

These details may seem so annoying since guys don’t usually think a whole lot about appearance etc., but girls are impressed when a guy does these things because they say to her: I am thinking about you. 

Ok, so, what the heck do you talk about?  Ask her lots of stuff.  In fact, think beforehand about what

to ask her about.  Want to treat a girl well?  Talk to her and learn about her.  I know we’re different, guys.  She just has to flick her hair and wear a cute dress and we have melted.  But her?  She wants a guy to be interested in her: her thoughts, her life, her interests, her feelings.  Now it’s just a dance.  It doesn’t need to be deep, but there are a million things you probably don’t know about your date that would be great fodder for conversation.

Now what if you have a date, but you go to dinner with friends.  Don’t ignore her.  Don’t just talk to your guy friends at dinner.  Still ask her questions.  Don’t interrogate her, but again, show that you’re thinking about her.

Now, the dance.  If you’re a typical American male, you haven’t done a whole lot of ‘fast’ dancing in your life.  The same was true of me when I was a freshman.  This isn’t sage wisdom here, but: try it.  You’ll feel like a dork, but just start moving your feet and don’t leave your hands completely at your side.  The easiest thing is to try to mimic the people around you. 

Slow dancing is much easier because you just have to rock.  The awkward thing is: how much space between you?  It depends on the nature of your relationship with your date.  If you’re not dating, don’t get too cozy.  On the other hand, don’t leave an entire ruler’s length between you.  It looks and feels weird.  It may feel strange to talk about this, but accept that a little bodily contact is not a big deal. 

Let’s be honest.  You’re touching a girl; it’s not something you do every day, unless you’re dating.  Needless to say, it will probably turn you on.  You’re not a pervert for feeling that.  You’re a man.  Still, it can make dancing feel a bit ‘intense.’  A way to chill yourself out a bit is to talk to your date.  Find something to laugh about.  Make fun of the couple across the floor that is dancing funny.  Whatever.  Either way you’ll get your mind somewhere else and, plus, it will be fun for you and your date.

What about your hands?  Again, depends on your relationship to your date.  Are you just friends, or interested, but still getting to know each other?  Hands on her back are the safest place.  It’s sweet, but not suggestive.  If you’ve been dating for a while, it may be okay to put your hands on her waist.  It’s obviously more intimate so, just be aware of what you’re doing. 

Should you kiss her at the end of the night?  Again, depends.  Here’s just my opinion: if you’re not dating, don’t.  Maybe you want her to know that you really do like her.  You don’t need to kiss her to let her know that.  Here’s a much easier, and, honestly a meaningful way, to let her know.  Say this, “Hey, I had a really good time tonight.  Thanks for going with me.”  She will melt like a slushy in the sunshine if you say that.  Then give her a hug.  And if you’re really brave, say, “Let’s hang out again sometime.”  Cue the fireworks.

Ok, I know my readers aren’t big on posting comments, but, if you’re a girl, it would be awesome to get any other recommendations here for our guy readers.  Thanks!

Top Teen Topics 1: Appearance

I asked one of my classes: "What are the biggest issues on the minds of teens your age (14-15)?"  I thought I'd hit each one in the next few posts.

One that came up frequently was: appearance.

There are so many reasons for our looks to be a source of angst.  Why?

We know people (including us!) judge others by their looks.

We know looks play a role in getting a date.

We know looks can get you in and out of friend circles.

Most of us have been embarrassed at one time or another by our looks.

Wisdom from an old dude:

I have been teaching 14-15 year olds for one and half decades.  I've seen them grow up.  Let me tell you: you will look better with age.  

Scrawny little, squeeky freshmen boys become buff, low-voiced men in a very short amount of time. 

Cute, pony-tailed freshmen girls become beautiful, confident young women.  If you put a freshmen guy or girl next to their 20 year old self, you'd be surprised that they're the same people. 

So, relax.  The acne won't last forever and your body will round out quite well without much effort.  

Body type also has a lot to do with your family DNA.  Some people eat like a vacuum cleaner on chore day but still never top 110.  Others gain weight by just looking at the candy machine.  Look at your family members.  They are your destiny.  If you're not thrilled by that destiny you may have to work at avoiding it.  

There are a lot of ways to look better.  The most prominent is to eat better.  Teens eat a lot, and eat a lot of 'junk food.'  Hey, I like it too, but I've learned to curb it and only eat it occasionally.  Start a regular exercise routine like running, biking, walking, or going to a gym.  I have been running for a long time and have added going to the rec three times a week. 

You know what makes even more of an impression?  Clothes and hair.  I have seen very unattractive skinny people and very impressive-looking heavier people, all because of their wardrobe and hair.  

Celebrities, if you've ever seen them without makeup and so on, look surprisingly like normal people you see everyday.  It's all how they're 'done up' that makes them seem so amazing (oh, and having million-dollar hair stylists and designers that want you to showcase their clothes doesn't hurt).  

You don't have to be famous to have style.  If you grew up in a family that doesn't tend to value style (and that's okay!) you may need to ask a friend what would look good on you, save up some money, and go shop or get a new doo.  Sometimes it just takes a risk to buy something trendier than you're used to.  Try it out.  Explore what makes you feel good about your looks.

I must tell you that I had very little sense of style as a teen and young 20-something, and my wife still fell in love with me!  She taught me all about style after the fact so now I like how I look much better than I did when I was younger (even though I have less hair!).

Here are some lingering questions:

Is it really a big deal, though, how you look?

When does it go too far?

I'm just getting started, so I'll hit those soon.    

I hate myself

I don't really hate myself, but there have been times when I have.  It still sometimes hits me, but I've learned how to fight that impulse.  I think we all can get pretty good at hating on ourselves.  In fact, in some Christian circles, hating on yourself is seen as a sign of spiritual maturity or something. 

So, I'm reading this book called Pastrix by an ELCA Lutheran pastor who also happens to drop f-bombs and has tons of tattoos named Nadia Bolz-Weber; oh, and she's a woman.  That alone would throw many for a loop.  There are a lot of things in the book that many would be uncomfortable with.  In fact, there are things I'm uncomfortable with in it too.  Still, I love this woman's heart for Jesus and people.  As I read I'm going to post some parts of the book that jump out at me.  Here's one where she talks about identity.

(BTW, she's going to be the speaker at an upcoming Ohio ELCA youth conference)


And a voice from heaven said, "This is my Son, the Beloved, with whom I am well pleased."  Then Jesus was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil.  The tempter came and said to him, "If you are the Son of God, command these stones to become loaves of bread."

And the Word that had most recently came from the mouth of God was, "This is my beloved in whom I am well pleased."  Identity.  It's always God's first move.  Before we do anything wrong and before we do anything right, God has named and claimed us as God's own.  But almost immediately, other things try to tell us who we are and to whom we belong; capitalism, the weight-loss industrial complex, our parents, kids at school-they all have a go at telling us who we are.  But only God can do that.  Everything else is temptation.  Maybe demons are defined as anything other than God that tries to tell us who we are.  And maybe, just moments after Jesus' baptism, when the devil says to him, "If you are the Son of God..." he does so because he knows that Jesus is vulnerable to temptation precisely to the degree that he is insecure about his identity and mistrusts his relationship with God.

So if God's first move is to give us our identity, then the devil's first move is to throw that identity into question.  Identity is like the tip of a spool of thread, which when pulled, can unwind the whole thing...Our identity has nothing to do with how we are perceived by others.  But it's still tempting to believe.  I mean, if Jesus was vulnerable to temptation, the rest of us certainly are, whether it be temptation to self-loathing or self-aggrandizement, depression or pride, self-destruction or self-indulgence.  We are tempted to doubt our innate value precisely to the degree that we are insecure about our identity from, and our relationship to God.

Easy A

Ok, so a movie about a girl lying about sleeping with others in order to help their reputations seems

to be a bit questionable.  See, here’s the thing, though-it makes tons of references to one of my favorite American authors: Nathaniel Hawthorne and his classic novel The Scarlet Letter.  So, I put caution aside and my wife and I watched it this weekend.

I was disappointed.

This movie had the potential of having something meaningful to say.  I recognize that any meaningful story that takes place in real life will be filled with “objectionable content.”  That’s true of Romeo and Juliet from the 1490s to Adam Sandler’s Click from 2006. 

But like so many movies targeted to you guys in your teens, instead of going for the heart of the film, they work so hard to make it raunchy that it loses itself. 

At the movie’s heart was a girl who found herself in a weird position to help outcasts.  Her first rumor, that she lost her virginity to a college guy, was offhandedly started by her in order to impress her friend.  From there, since she has gained a ‘bad girl’ reputation, more guys ask her to lie for them to get them out of situations or to help them not be ostracized. 

As crude as it all is, the beauty of it is that Olive has a sweet heart and feels for these guys, enough to drag her reputation through the mud for their sake.  Jesus, quite honestly, did the same thing.  He got accused of a lot of things and got labeled by a lot of popular people because he fraternized with the unpopular crowd (including so-called ‘skanks’ by the way).

The most powerful moment of the film comes when a guy honestly asks her out on a date.  She finally feels truly cared for instead of being used.  Then, at the end of their date he offers to pay her, not to lie, but to actually sleep with him.  He begins to physically take advantage of her before she finally pushes him away in disgust.

This was such a poignant moment.  I was like, “Yes!  Finally!”  Here was a girl finding out that selling her body out to guys who just wanted to take advantage of her wasn’t worth it.  She has true dignity and worth and she doesn’t ‘deserve’ to be used.  The amount of girls that are sexually abused in some way is 1 in 4.  That’s a terrible reality. 

But, instead of driving home this point, the rest of the plot devolves into the silly escapades of a guidance counselor who has a fling with a student who happens to be in a ‘Christian’ group, the weirdness of Olive’s parents’ past, and, on and on. 

So, what does this mean for us as believers?  Well, there are inequalities.  Notice that the guys in the film get better reputations because of their (false) exploits, while Olive’s reputation goes down the drain.  Both of these are problems.  As believers, we want to develop a healthy sexuality between the sexes where our attractions are honed into ways to honor the opposite sex, for guys to recognize women’s differences by treating them with both equality and extra kindness and gentleness, and for girls to honor guys by giving their affections to men who are worthy of it.

Olive seems to kind of get this at the end.  She finds that sexuality, at its best is romance, not just sex.  Yet, so much of the movie shows what most of us already know: that our sexuality is often used as a means of blackmailing, using, pressuring, and abusing.  God has given us a gift.  Let’s not let it get dragged through the mud like that.

How to date and not lose your body

When I was a kid I used to cut a lot of lawns, one of which was for a lady in her 80s.  Each time I cut her lawn, however, she would stand at her screen door and watch me.  I always felt like she was making sure I was doing my job right.  I hated that feeling.

I have found that, in general, I don’t like when people watch me do things.  For example, I literally cannot type while someone is standing over my shoulder!

Yet, there are other kids, like some of mine, whose main way of feeling appreciated looks like this: “Dad, watch me.”  It’s crazy just how different people are.

The same is true of men and women.

There are a million ways that the sexes are different, but one of them is how they feel about their bodies.

When is the last time you heard a 110-pound guy ask if he looks fat?  Um…never.  Guess what?  Change the gender and the scenario is commonplace.  Guys are much more in tune with their own bodies, while girls almost feel detached from it.  This has a tone of implications, but let’s look at the issue of affection in dating.

Guys are most often the initiators in relationships.  They ask the girl to a dance, or to go out.  They also tend to lead physically.  They will be the ones, typically, who decide to put their arm around their girlfriend or to go in for the kiss.  Some of this is society.  We assume this is the guy’s job.  Some of it is God-designed.  We are very physically driven. 

Girls, on the other hand, are naturally more modest and reserved physically.  It doesn’t mean that she doesn’t like a guy’s touch, but she doesn’t want to be manhandled, nor does she want things to move too fast.  This is hard for guys to comprehend.  Because physicality is instinctive to them, they figure girls are the same.

So, what do you do about this? 

Fire can burn down a house, or…you can build a fireplace and let it bring warmth.  Physical desire

needs parameters so it can serve a relationship instead of torching it.  For both guys and girls, take some time to design your fireplace.  You can do this whether you’re dating nor not.  Think through what your limits are.  How far is too far for you? 

Don’t listen to the crap you hear around you in movies or from friends.  Think it through for yourself.  What is okay and not okay?  Where is the line for you?  What parts do want to make sure no one touches.  Sounds weird, right?  But if you don’t think about it now, when the heat of a moment comes, you won’t have a road map to follow. 

It may also be good to consider what situations you would want to avoid so that you don’t find yourself compromising those limits.  For example, maybe you have a great basement rec room with a TV.  Being alone down there with a significant other on a Friday night could be a volatile setting. 

Here’s the most awkward of all.  If you get serious in a relationship, I would challenge you to have a conversation about physical limits.  Yes, it’s completely awkward!!!  But when I had this conversation with Beth when we were dating, we both felt respected and felt like we were on the same page because we knew each other’s limits.  By the way, guys, I challenge you to be the gutsy one and bring the subject up first.  Let your girl know that you care enough about her to do this.

There is a mystery to the dance of men and women and this is not to steal from the fun of that mystery.  God cares deeply about that dance and how it will play out in your life.  Paul said in 1 Thessalonians 4:4-5, “Learn to find a wife in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like those who don’t know God.”  To me the differentiation he is making is a matter of control.  Holy and honorable respects the other person, treats them like a princess or prince-with dignity and adoration.  Passionate lust treats the other as an object to be used where it’s okay to ignore their interests. 

So, enjoy figuring out the opposite sex.  It’s nerve-wracking and fascinating at the same time!

5 Myths About High School

Someone sent me a link to this blog post by a guy named Brant on Air1 and I loved it.  I copied it below, but if you want to see the actual blog post it's here: http://www.air1.com/blog/brant/post/2011/08/22/5-Off-the-Top-of-My-Head-Myths-about-High-School-that-People-Believe.aspx

1.  Bad grades in high school will ruin my life.
No, they won't. 

I know I'm not supposed to say this.  But you'll live, and maybe even a fully functional life.  Take it from me, a guy with ze perfect French accent... who failed French class.
God did not abandon me. Remarkably, I still make a living. Check THIS OUT: I have a garage door that I can open WITH A REMOTE CONTROL. That, my friends, is pretty awesome.
 
And you know what? If you don't get into the college of your dreams, your life will not be ruined.  If you don't even get into college, your life will not be ruined.  Your life, in fact, cannot be ruined by grades.  It's NO excuse for not being disciplined, but it's true.  The weird thing is that, even in "good, Christian families", this sounds like a subversive thing to say, so brace yourself:  "Success" really isn't the highest good.
"But what if I don't get into an elite college, and I don't get an amazing job making millions, and then I don't get to retire rich, and then I don't get to be old and wealthy, and then I can't die without a lot of money, and..."

Well, you got me there.  


2.  These people are my friends for LIFE!
No, they're not.  

They may not even be your best friends next year.  Yes, they are wonderful, and yes, it's great to have BFF's.  But the second "F" -- the "forever" part...?  It's not a lock.  Most people stay in touch with one or two people from high school, tops.  All the people around you are important, but they will not be constants in your life.  Chances are, you haven't met your true BFF's yet.  And that's not a horrible thing.

Knowing this can be a wonderful thing, when you feel like you're not at the top of whatever social heap everyone else is worried about.  It simply doesn't last.

3.  Everyone's looking at me all the time.
No, they're not.  Everyone's too busy thinking this about themselves to spend time studying you.  Seriously.  They've done research on  this.

It's called the "imaginary audience".  High school students, in particular, tend to way over-estimate the attention they're getting.  Fact is, even the "together" people are super self-conscious, and that means someone who *isn't* -- someone who's freed up to care about others -- can have an impact like an earthquake.

4.  Whatever social group I'm in now -- that's just who I am.
Nope.  It just doesn't work out that way.  This is why high school reunions and old yearbooks are so fascinating...and hilarious.

People can change.  And they do.  A lot.  Who you identify yourself as, now, does not lock you into a certain identity forever.  And it's a good thing, or a lot of people my age would still be wearing flannel-on-flannel and refusing to shower while listening strictly to Nirvana and Pearl Jam.

Everyone.  Will.  Change. 

5.   My teachers/parents just don't understand.
Don't flatter yourself.  Seriously.  For all the marketing of "teenager"-hood, the concept of "teenager" has been around less than a hundred years.  You're not in a mysterious, magical soap opera that adults just can't possibly understand.  It's not a sudden period of life that's simply distinct from all others.   

This is why, in fact, your parents are bothersome: It's not that they don't understand the importance of your life, your decisions...it's that they DO.  They can still relate to the issues, the temptations, the desire to run away from problems, etc.  So they won't just leave you alone. 

It's high-stakes, and they know it.  When you were three years old, your foolishness might mean a thrown toy.  Now, like an adult, your foolishness can mean years of sad regret.  Acting on your own, as a free agent, now or when you're an adult -- is a recipe for serious hurt.  The wise listen to counsel.

Mom, or Dad, or caring whoever -- they know this.  That's why they don't just shut up and "live their own lives".  And why you shouldn't, either.

Teen Spirituality-Alison's Story

As I've been talking about 'teen spirituality' I came across this video made by one of my video production students.  The video has Alison sharing her story of dealing with an eating disorder and how her relationship with God has made a difference for her.  This is real-life, practical stuff.  Regardless of whether an eating disorder is what you struggle with or not it's cool to hear how a real-life teen has partnered with God to not just make it through the day, but to also look for ways to encourage others.

She would be the first to say that she is not perfect or done with struggles.  That is the kind of reality we all live in: we are works in progress.  The fancy word for that is being 'sanctified.'  I hope you are encouraged by the 'work in progress' that God is doing in Alison.