Appearance Myth #1: Men can't control themselves

Not long ago I read the prequel to a book that we read later in the school year called The Prisoner of Zenda.  It’s called The Heart of Princess Osra.  Basically, every chapter follows the life of a different man who falls in love with Princess Osra.  Every one of them either must leave the country or die because her beauty has driven them mad with love.  In one case a man, who has disguised himself as a soldier to get close to her, ultimately decides to kill the princess so that honest men will no longer suffer because of her beauty.  He, of course, can’t do it, but instead dies to protect the Princess.  After this Osra asks the King to make her a nun so “that she might trouble honest men no more.”

This is an entertaining story to read, but is a pack of lies for girls.  Let me address five myths:

Myth #1: Men can’t control themselves.

Bull.  There are men who don’t control themselves, but that’s true of anyone, right?  What you wear, or how you look, doesn’t make a guy do anything.  In the Christian world we talk about girls causing guys “to stumble” by wearing clothing that might cause them to lust.  Girls don’t cause this.  This is important because lots of girls feel ashamed of themselves when they have been violated (physically or verbally or by text etc.) by a guy.  There is part of them that feels like they caused it or “asked” for it.  I’d like to drive 100mph on the highway because it would be a thrill, but I choose not to do it.  But, if I did, and got a ticket, I can’t say “movies with chase scenes” made me do it.  If a guy blamed you for a violation of his, he is lying. 

In the next post I'll address the next myth: It doesn’t matter what I wear or how I look.

How to find love

It seems that about 90% of songs, movies, or books are about finding love.  Even Disney's Frozen,
while being unique in that a sibling relationship was the focus of the film, still had a romantic love story running through it.

So, how do you find love?

There are a lot of practical tips to give, but I want to give one that you probably won't find in Teen Magazine.

To find love, make sure that you are loved.

Huh?

Yeah.  Sounds weird, right?

Here's the deal: if you see yourself as an empty cup that some future boyfriend or girlfriend will fill up with love there will be two problems:
1. They'll eventually fail you (humans have a tendency to do that :)
2. You will have expectations of them that they won't be able to fill in the long run.

In both cases, you end up a half-full or even an empty cup.

But what if you already felt loved?  What if, being securely loved already by someone else, you could then enjoy a relationship with someone without expecting them to be your 'all in all' or to 'make' you happy?

One of the ancient Psalm writers wrote, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."  Another of the Psalmists wrote, "Find rest, O my soul, in God alone.  My hope comes from him."

Do you truly believe you are loved by God?  Do you believe He loves you, not just your accomplishments?  Do you believe He thinks about you, even when you're not in church?  Do you believe He really cares about your daily life, your struggles, your joys, the things that make you laugh, and the things that get under your skin?

The cross was not just about forgiveness.  It was also about making a very clear statement to each of us individually, that He is willing to do whatever it takes to bridge the gap between us and Him.

If you can truly trust and live inside of the Father's love and affection, you will find that you don't have to be so desperate about getting a boyfriend or girlfriend.

But also, when you do get one, the pressure is off: He doesn't need to make you happy.  She doesn't need to make you worthy.  You're already loved.  Now you can enjoy simply blessing the other person and bringing extra joy to their life.

Plus, you also have the peace knowing that if you come to the conclusion that you aren't meant for each other, you can break up, and still have peace and love in your heart, despite the pain and hurt that naturally comes from breaking up.

So, how do you find love?  The first place, I believe, is to fill your cup with His love first.

Longing to feel okay

Don't you hate that feeling?
The one where you feel like crap.
The one where you wonder why anyone would like you.
The one where you seem like such a screw up.
The one where it seems like you're not good enough for anyone.

I hate it too.
But I used to feel it a lot more often.  In fact, these days it's pretty rare for me.

Check out the following quote I heard on a podcast recently:

The moment your well-being is hinged to another person's response, you will manipulate them.

To manipulate is to try and make someone else do something by pressuring or tricking them.  Most of us wouldn't manipulate to get money, but we do when we need to feel okay.

We pressure, we threaten, we cry, we yell, we give the silent treatment, we ignore-whatever it takes to get someone's attention that we really crave.  And we crave it because we cannot feel good about ourselves without it.

When God gave the commandment: "You shall not have any other gods before me" he was not being self-absorbed.  He was being smart...for our sake.

You see, when we stake our well-being in anybody we are setting that person up as a god, as our source of meaning.  Naturally, they can never completely come through when we need it, so we then get mad and manipulate them to get what we want from them.  In the process, in the long term, we slowly deteriorate the relationship.

But when, as David said, "My soul finds rest in God alone" (Psalm 62), then we can live without manipulation, because as we learn to rest our souls in God, we are free to enjoy people without needing them to make us happy.

Should, Want, & God

So recently I spoke in chapel about the value of worship in God's heart.  I've been asked to give a
"Why worship" chapel at the beginning of the school year for probably 5 years now.  I always struggle with the tension between: "You should sing" and "I encourage you to want to sing."

You could apply the "should"/"want" dichotomy to almost anything related to our relationship to Father.

For me, when I was younger, I was so good at doing what I "should" do that it also hardened my heart and I didn't feel close to God.

When I finally let myself experience Father's affection and felt truly loved (once I really believed I (1.) needed that love and (2.) didn't have to earn it), then I found the pleasure of "wanting" the things that my Father loved.

I guess I'd put it like this: I "should" be sweet to my wife, but if I lived my relationship to her with all "shoulds" she would know it and it would lose its real value.

What she wants and truly loves is when I "want" and take delight in her and being sweet to her.

I think this is why Paul wrote, "God LOVES a CHEERFUL giver."

Why do girls go for bad guys?

As a girl, you may find yourself attracted to guys that are bad for you.  That might seem odd, but it happens all the time. 

Girls fall for 'bad boys' a lot. 

It makes sense, though, because there's something exciting about the rebellious, ambitious nature of these guys.  It's "hot," as they say.  Nice guys seem boring. 

But remember this: the nice guys are men too.  They can also be ambitious and exciting, but you have to give them a chance to show it.  It may not come out in tattoos, risky actions, or nasty pranks.  It may come out in grand visions for their futures, ambitions for careers, a passion for music or art or theatre or technology.  Nice guys can be great boyfriends.  Plus, they're less likely to use you!  Remember, "nice" means they know how to relate well.  Bad boys simply know how to be cool on the popularity street.  

My wife admits to dating a drug-using bad boy in high school.  She always hoped she could change him. It didn't work (it rarely does), and she got hurt. 

While "bad boys" seem tough and confident, it's often a façade.  They don't know how to face real life challenges with confidence, actually.  The 'nice guys' often know the real world-the one where there are jobs and responsibilities.  These are guys that will have the heart and guts to eventually take care of a woman, romance her, and make her a truly happy life. 

The immature bad boy, however, won't translate well into a twenty-something guy with a vision for a future.  Once they catch their 'hot chick' and marry her, they don't always know how to keep winning her heart, or how to provide a good life for her. 

Do yourself a favor and don't jump on the bandwagon of attraction.  It does cue you into something you like, but try to find that attribute in a guy that also has qualities that make him worth your time.

Friendship --> Dating Part 2

I mentioned in the last post the importance of really getting to know a person before you become an item, but that opened up a problem:

It’s hard to get to know someone of the opposite sex without people assuming you’re dating.  Plus, the other person may think you like them automatically just because you talk to them.  This leads to another issue: will the guy or girl get uncomfortable around you, then, because they think you like them?
 
So, let me preface my advice.  I’m older and married.  You can take that to mean I don’t understand.  But I do.  I was a teen too and I remember it.  The benefit I have now, though, is I have seen life on the other side of being a teenager and dating.  It’s like this: you, as a teen, are in the middle of a battle.  I’m in a plane now looking down at the whole war. 

To me, much of this comes down to

Risk.

All of the concerns I mentioned above are real and yes, you will feel them and they will at times hurt.  Largely, they deal with this: if you make a move toward someone of the opposite gender, people will assume things.  You will have to let that go. 

No, that is not easy whatsoever, but all the greatest things in life require you to go out on a limb BEFORE you know if the limb is perfect.  It’s a lot like faith.

If you’re a girl, for example, and you want to get to know a guy, or guys, you’re going to have to do somethings that others will point fingers at.  You’re going to have to make some first steps to talk or hangout with them or communicate with them.

You don’t even know if he’s right for you, right?  But you won’t know until you try these things.  Of course you can learn a lot about someone without ever talking to them.  If you know there are red flags already, don’t waste your time.  If he’s known for lewd jokes and messing around with girls, don’t try to get to know him in hopes that deep down he’s really a wonderful man…he isn’t, at least not at this point in his life.

So, will people think you like this person if you start talking to him in the Commons?  Probably.  What are you going to do?  Life has risks and so does love.  Of course, you don’t want to be known as a girl who flirts around all the time, so choose wisely.  Do your homework on a guy (find things out about him) before you decide he’s someone you want to make noticeable moves towards.

Is he going to act uncomfortable then?  Maybe.  If he ends up liking you, and you’re a good match, that will go away.  If he doesn’t like you, it probably won’t and you have to take the hint and back off.  I know that feels awful, but you don’t just walk into a car store and pick out the first model on the floor.  You have to throw a few wasted test drives in there usually.

As long as you’re interacting honorably with the guy or guys, then your reputation should have good standing.  What I mean is that you are communicating, having fun together.  Of course, there’s some flirting that will go on, but wait on that and when it feels right, let it be innocent and playful, not overt, aggressive, or suggestive.

Speaking to guys: All of this advice above is fine and dandy for girls, but I think nature, God really, made you to be the one to make these moves.  That doesn’t mean it’s wrong for a girl to do it, but I do think men have a courageous spirit in them that drives them to take risky action, especially to win a girl’s heart.  You don’t need to make these moves if you don’t want to.  But when you do, as the saying goes, “Just Do It.”  Be a man, in the classic sense.  Deal with rejection.  It’s your honor as a man to be that risk-taker and, trust me, girls will love you for it.  It shows them that you’re an honorable man with guts.  Again, it’s not easy, but it’s worth it.

All along here, I have assumed something, but some may not assume it.  The Father deeply wants to partner with you in your life, specifically your love life.  He wants to walk with you through the heartache and the joys, the pain and the pleasure.  He wants to hear your feelings and your frustrations.  Let him into this.  It is the Father’s good pleasure to be invited by you into your deepest feelings.

Ask him for wisdom.  Listen for His direction in your heart and mind.  Let him stir your feelings in directions and cool them in others.  Don’t fear Him.  Let Him love you.  Proverbs 3:5-6 puts it this way, “Seek the Lord with all your heart.  Don’t lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways, acknowledge him and he will direct your paths.” 

He longs to be a part of your life.

So...you are the ones in the trenches, though.  I'd love some feedback on what it's really like and if what I said makes sense there or not.  I don't have the definitive answers.  That's why conversation is good.  Share your reactions!

Friendship --> Dating: How to

So I was recently asked by a freshman, "If you're friends with a guy and you both like each other,

how do you move things along?"  (I mention 'freshmen' only because there are different issues at different ages)

I asked my wife what she would say and she replied, "Don't move things along."

:)

Now, let me clarify what she means.  She's not wagging her finger saying, 'No dating, young people!'  What she's after is that sometimes we are too eager to move quickly in relationships. 

We are inundated with romance images all around us.  Music videos, songs, movies, TV shows, all of them are full of people making out and more.  So, to say take things slowly, it seems to be asking you to miss out.

But what if I were to tell you that taking it slow would actually increase your relationship satisfaction? 

Nobody gets a better marriage (which is really the whole point, right?) by getting in and out of as many dating relationships as possible.

Taking it "slow" actually means to pay attention to the real heart of what relationships are all about: relating.  This means really getting to know someone and enjoying that, not just making out in a movie theater.  Having fun with someone gives you a chance to discover two things:

1. What they're like
2. What you're like

The first one makes sense, but how often do we just date people because they're cute or available?  Why not actually study this guy you like.  Of course, to do this, you've got to be around him in different circumstances.  Does he treat his friends well, is he snarky with his parents, is he responsible, does he encourage people, does he have a sense of humor, can he ask interesting questions, does he listen to others or just do all the talking?   

The second one may seem odd, but knowing yourself will help you figure out what's going on in your heart with a guy.  Observing what you're like, what means love to you, what sets you off, what bothers you.  These kinds of things help you determine who you would be good with. 

For example, let's say you honestly feel really good when your parents or friends say good stuff about you.  Not everyone has that same reaction.  You are unique, and encouraging words fill up your specific "love tank." 

If you like a guy, watch if he uses his words to encourage others.  If he does, he might be a worthy match for you.  On the other hand, if he's sarcastic all the time, or doesn't say a whole lot, he may not be worth your time.

Maybe words aren't a huge deal to you.  Maybe you feel the most love when people make time to just hang out and do stuff with you.  So, does this guy make time for his friends?  Does he make time for his family? 

There's so much more to say here, like:
1. What if you're attracted to someone without those qualities
2. If you do think it's time to move things along, how do you go about it?
3. When it comes to dating, is risk a good or bad thing?
4. Does God care about any of this stuff?

I'll try to address some of these in upcoming posts.

How to get a guy to do what you want him to

(This is a post I wrote for the marriage blog that my wife and I write, but while marriage is a ways off for most of you, I'm convinced that the more you learn about the opposite sex and the earlier, the more successful you'll be at relationships)

Psst. Want to get a man to do what you want him to?

Here's how:

Accept that he doesn't want to do it.

Uh, really.

I know this does not seem helpful, but let me explain.

Taking out the trash, cutting the lawn, moving the furniture around, cleaning the dishes, putting the kids down at night...none of it, for a man, is worth doing.

Great, right?

Here's the thing: for a woman, just completing those tasks is satisfying.  Not so for him.  He works hard at his job.  Those tasks are not intrinsically motivating.

But something else WILL motivate him.

A man is hard-wired (by God I would say) to yearn to be a hero, especially his woman's hero.  A hero is eager to do a task when he knows exactly how it will rescue someone.

So, if he only thinks that the dirty dishes annoy you, that is not motivating to a hero.

He needs to know what it will provide for you.

For example, "Sweetheart, when you take care of the dishes after dinner, it really makes me feel appreciated and helps me enjoy making nice meals for our family.  Plus, it gives me time to relax so I can be in better spirits to enjoy our evening together.

Suddenly, washing the dishes becomes an act of heroism.  He now knows what it provides for you.  Nothing else is as motivating to us guys as providing for our woman.

This is distinct from nagging.  That demotivates because it implies that you don't think he wants to help you and it also doesn't give him a chance to be a hero.  It only gives him a chance to get off your back.

As Alison Armstrong puts it, "You are the person for whom he most wants to be, and needs to be, a hero. This means you are the center of his results. You are the reason for his results.  Men play for points. And it is your points that he wants the most."

Excerpt From: Alison A. Armstrong. “The Queen's Code.” Routledge. iBooks.
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Relationships 101: Guys, Hold the Barf Can

In this past post we talked about how girls can understand guy's nature to want to find the point of what a girl is saying.

 Guys, when you're listening you want to find out "the point."

Girls, generally, do not operate this way.  Talking for them has value in and of itself.  Science shows that positive chemicals are emitted inside women purely from talking.

When a girl is upset, specifically, often she needs you to just hold the bucket.

In essence, she just needs to barf out all of her feelings and thoughts.  You just need to stand there and hold the barf can.

For some guys it is hard to see how this has value, but to a girl, this is how she gets to solutions.

Here are three reasons for you to take this advice:

1. She's different than you.  

John Gray in Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus said that women have a well inside of them.  When upset, they go in the well and they need to get all the way to the bottom.  It will seem like she's getting worse initially, but that's because she needs to go all the way down.  Once she hits the bottom, then, and only then, she can come up.


2. It's actually the way to help SOLVE her problem.

As a guy, what you can do is help her get to the bottom of the well by listening, asking questions, and letting her express.  She even may eventually want advice (what you've been wanting to give aaaall along!).

3. It takes off the pressure.

While everything inside of you usually is going crazy trying to figure out how to fix your lady's situation, if you know she's just in the well, you can relax, knowing that she doesn't need you to figure it all out.  The best solution is holding the can.

So, next time your girlfriend, sister, yes even your mom seems to be headed into the well, happily grab that trash can, put the other arm around her, and let her have a go!

Relationships 101: The Question on Every Guy's Mind

What is the point?!!

This is the thought running through every guy's head as he's listening to his girl.

Girls can get mad at this part of the male approach to listening or they can try to understand it.  And isn't that what we all want?

Guys, for the record, can be very good listeners.  The key, of course, is that since they are focused by nature, that's all they can do when listening.

So avoid trying to talk about something of value to a guy between classes, when he's trying to get somewhere, when he's transitioning from softball practice, or while he's attempting to accomplish something.  Get to him when he can focus.

Now that he's focused, he'll be all there for you.  Guys are really good at this when they can give you their full attention.

Next, he's thinking "What's the point?"  Why?  By design, guys want to be heroes.  They are trying to determine what your problem is so that they can help fix it.  They want to rescue you.  This is one way love takes expression for a man.  Don't despise it.

However, you may not have a point.  You may just need to share something or many things.  Understanding his result-focused nature, telling him how he can help.  For example, "Hey, I need to get somethings off my mind about ________.  I may not really have a point.  It would really help me a lot if you could listen to my thoughts for a few minutes."

This is helpful for him because:
1. you've told him what you're doing.
2. he doesn't have to hunt for a "point."
3. You've explained how he can help you, as in listen.

Also, don't hint.  Hinting is (let's be honest) childish.  Hinting is a way of saying, "If you really loved me, you'd read my mind."  Guess what?  It's impossible...even if you can't believe he can't tell!!  Be direct.  Guys need that.  Just give it to him.  

In other words, get to the point! 

Give these suggestions a shot and I think you'll find your relationships with guys very different.

Relationships 101: Lovely Ladies

This is a guest post by my amazing wife, Beth:

As the Easter Day was coming to a close, and Kurt and I were finally in bed, heading into the delightful dream world, I asked my man about his favorite part of the day.

Thankfully, he was still awake for what he shared with me I don't think I'll ever forget.

He said that he loved seeing our girls all fancy in their Easter dresses, but not only that, he said that he really loved telling them how lovely they looked.  

How lovely they looked.

Wow.

He continued to tell me that he hoped these small deposits will build into our girls greater confidence and security that they indeed are very loved.

He spoke life into them.

One of our fav. hip hop singer/artists dudes is Toby Mac.  He has this song called Speak Life.  He sings about how everyday we have a choice to either encourage or discourage through the words we speak.  

It seems so simple, but I think, the impact can go beyond anything we can imagine.  

Relationship Training 101: love me as I am

As we raise our kids, we realize just how much healthy relationship skills are not natural.

Yet, notice how we spend years in school preparing for a career, but get almost no training in how to have good relationships, particularly romantic and marriage ones.

And, let's be honest, the marriage relationship you will someday have will have an impact on your life far greater than any career ever will.

Now, I know a lot of my readers are teens, but even if you're 15, consider that for some of you, marriage is really only 7 years away (i.e. I got married at 22).

With all that said, let's launch:

Relationship Training 101!

Ok, picture this sexy scene:

My lovely fiancee, sitting next to me in a car, looks over and says, "Have you ever cut your ear hair?"

Excuse me?!

She explained that she would like it if I cut my...ear hair.

Cue my offense.  I made some hurt-filled remark about thinking she should love me as I am!

Oh, how far we've come.  It took years for us both to realize "love me as I am" often means "I don't want to change for you."

What used to be offensive to each other is now actually fun!  We want to do the things that the other finds sexy or just plain nice.  Why?  Because we now WANT to bless the other.

So, Beth has learned to wear heels just for me!  For my recent birthday, we even went clothes shopping for her and she bought cute clothes that I liked.

I've gotten myself working out more because Beth likes to see my muscles more toned.  And, yes...I cut my ear hair regularly!  :)

Each of the above was outside of our norm, but that's one thing love does: it makes you do crazy
things because you want to bless the other.

This whole situation probably doesn't apply much to a casual or an early dating relationship, but in one that has gone long-term, and of course, in marriage.  It certainly doesn't apply when your significant other is asking something of you that goes against your values or morals.  

Here's the action point: In a long-term relationship, you've got to take the risk to communicate what you'd like.  Ideally, you have to find some time when you're both relaxed and chatty and lovingly, gently say, "There's something I'd really like and would mean a lot of love to me.  Would you mind if I share it?"  Then, and this is key, say, "And after me, I'd love for you to share some ways I could do somethings you'd like too."

love is inconvenient

You know that look you give when someone asks you to do something for them and you don't want
to do it? 

We get that look when we ask our kids to clean the playroom up. 

And before I point my fingers at them, I give it often too.

Other people are inconvenient. 

Often love is quite inconvenient. 

Frederick Buechner wrote in a book about a time he was about to have a nice dinner with his parents when a friend called who was in a sudden serious emotional catastrophe.  He asked Frederick if he would come to be with him before his plane left.  Frederick was annoyed, but tried to hide it.  He really didn't want to go and, though it turned out that eventually he didn't need to go, Frederick realized how reluctant he often was to reach out to others when it didn't suit him.  Through this he came to the following conclusion:

"The shattering revelation of that moment was that true peace, the high and bidding peace that passeth all understanding, is to be had not in retreat from the battle, but only in the thick of the battle.  To journey for the sake of saving our own lives is little by little to cease to live in any sense that really matters, even to ourselves, because it is only by journeying for the world's sake--even when the world bores and sickens and scares you half to death--that little by little we start to come alive.  It was not a conclusion that I came to in time.  It was a conclusion from beyond time that came to me.  God knows I have never been any good at following the road it pointed me to, but at least, by grace, I glimpsed the road and saw that it is the only one worth traveling."
-Frederick Buechner, Sacred Journey 107

God and a Girl

Let me tell you what happens with us guys when we like a girl.


You scare us...in a really cool way.

There is something so mysterious about a girl.  We can't figure her out.  She looks at things differently, sees the relationships differently, and has a way about her that is not like ours.

It inspires a sense of awe.

That awe pulls us toward her like one magnet to another.  It's a trap, but we want to get caught.  We need to know her, spend time with her, experience the world she lives in.

But something happens.  If we marry that girl, over time, the things that seemed so mysterious can suddenly become annoying.

For example, my wife is big on hospitality.  She invites people over, makes meals for them, talks and listens, and does everything to make them feel at home.  For a number of years I found this annoying because it's so unlike myself.  I didn't like the prep and clean up and disruption of my evenings.

But here's where it changed.  A few years ago, I realized this: Beth's hospitality was one of the things that drew me to her.  I loved how she made me feel so welcome, so comfortable, so able to open up.  I also saw how she did that with other people.  Her fragrance of love for God was so tangible in how she loved people.  My life was changed by it.

I needed to return to my state of awe for this girl, my girl!  I don't want to wryly say, "That's just Beth."  No!  That's my girl!  The one I married!  My bride!  She has a gift!

From then on, I have supported her so differently when we invite people over because I see the amazing lover that she is.

Isn't this the story of our relationship with God?

We are initially moved by his power, his love, his sacrifice, but then, over time, we lose the awe because we're used to it.

But the heart can be stirred. We don't need to let our emotions wither away.  We can stir the awe once again, and repeatedly.

So, remember again the craziness of the God of the universe loving you individually, the immensity of Jesus being nailed to a cross just to make a way to your heart, the tremendous peace you can have in life because Father cares for you, the unending power and leading the Holy Spirit gives you in tackling all the stuff of life, the incredible mission we get to be a part of on this earth with Him.  All these and more are worth it to recall, relive, and re-feel.

Intimacy with my wife is something I am willing to work hard for.  Intimacy with me is something my God works hard for.  I long to do the same for Him. 

The Vow

This is an article by Kathy L. Gilbert about the real couple that is portrayed in the movie, The Vow.  The original article is here: http://www.umc.org/news-and-media/the-vow-a-real-love-story-of-faith

How seriously do you take the vow, "till death do us part?"

If you look at the statistics - half of all first-time marriages end in divorce - it seems not too many people say "I do" forever.

The Vow, a movie based on Kim and Krickitt Carpenter's story, debuted Feb. 10 and was the top movie of the weekend, making $41.7 million. However, the romantic movie is not even close to telling the true story of faith and commitment that has kept the Carpenters devoted to each other for 20 years.

Their saga began 10 weeks after their wedding on Sept. 18, 1993. They were in a serious automobile accident that left Krickitt with no memories of her husband or their new marriage. She suffered a severe brain trauma that wiped out 18 months of her life - the entire time she and Kim met, dated and married.

While he was still madly in love with her, he was a stranger she wanted nothing to do with.  The glue that kept them together was their faith in Christ and the promise they had made before God.

The Carpenters attend First United Methodist Church in Farmington, N.M. "Both of us know unconditionally we would not have made it through this ordeal without the Lord being in the center of it all," Kim Carpenter told United Methodist News Service.

Krickitt spent months in a coma and then months more in physical therapy, but she has never regained those 18 months of memory. Her recovery was slow, her personality changed and at times she told Kim she hated him.

"At a low point in my life, I didn't think this marriage was going to work. I didn't have the faith that we were going to make it," Kim said. "At the same time, I wasn't going to leave her in the state she was in; I was vowing to stay with her."

 

 Story gets out

The media first learned of their story when a reporter came to interview Kim about his work as a

baseball coach. In the course of the conversation, the story came out.
When the Carpenters renewed their vows and had a second wedding in 1996, it was a media circus. People were amazed and encouraged by their story, so Krickitt asked God to use their story to show others his amazing love and power.

They wrote a book about their story in 2000 and updated the book to coincide with the opening of the movie on Feb. 10.

"We enjoyed the movie but we were a little frustrated by the artistic license they took," Kim said. "The dramatization in the movie was much greater, but it is hard to put 20 years of challenges into 103 minutes."

Enduring faith

Krickitt's faith never faltered, and she never considered divorce.

"A Scripture I really hold onto is Philippians 4:13: 'I can do all things through him who strengthens me.' I believed I was called according to God's purpose, and I followed with my whole heart," she said.

Kim said he has taken offense to some of the media reporting him as "heroic, courageous, manly."
They insist they are an ordinary couple with two children, Danny and LeeAnn.

"It is amazing we live in a world that there is such a big deal made about a man and woman who simply did what we said we were going to do," Kim said.

The book and the movie are providing a platform for them to talk about their faith.

"People all over the world are seeking something higher, some message," Kim said. "We have been
very grateful for the prayers and well wishes we have received. We know the Lord is not going to give us more than we can handle."

*Gilbert is a multimedia reporter for the young adult content team at United Methodist Communications, Nashville, Tenn.

Dating INward

Love is not just the domain of chick flicks and cheesy pop songs.  Love is also the domain of the greatest literature and art in the history of mankind.  Even God, when trying to explain the intensity of the passion between the Messiah and His people, compared them to the passion between a bride and a groom.

This is because one of the most dangerous, exciting, and satisfying journeys of life is the adventure of finding and learning to love one person, and love them well.

One contemporary author who writes a great deal about love is Debra K. Fileta.  She is a regular relationship columnist for Relevant Magazine.  Read her article: Here's How to Find True Love


I'd like to get some dialogue running about Fileta's three concepts of dating inward, outward, and upward.

After reading about dating inward in her article, here are some questions I think that are worth exploring:

What in the world does it mean to "get to know yourself"?
Why is dating inward important to a relationship?

The Heat of Homecoming

Ever notice how feeling the ‘heat of the moment’ makes you do things that you normally wouldn’t?  For some people this is the only way they get school projects done!  Other times people make awesome spikes in volleyball or 3 pointers in basketball in the heat of the game. 

Homecoming does this too.  Guys that otherwise are pretty shy, for example, actually work up the guts
to ask girls to the dance.  The pressure actually brings out some good! 

Then there’s the other side of heat.  You know what I’m talking about.  The dumb moves.  Everybody does those and if you avoid them all together you’ll never take a risk.  YOLO.  I can’t believe I just wrote that.

But there are some things worth avoiding and usually you can see them coming.  All dances, but particularly the biggies like Homecoming and Prom, give us a lot of ‘heat of the moment’ opportunities.  That’s one thing that makes them a blast, but they can also create memories you wish you never had.

A guy, while slow dancing, begins to drop his hand way below the small of your back.  Or your date gets a lot closer to you than you want.  An upper classman sneaks alcohol into the dance and you, being younger, feel stupid turning down their offer to try it out.

A lot of stuff happens after the dance.  Maybe it’s a sleepover, maybe it’s a party, maybe it’s just in the car with friends on the way home.  Either way, stuff can happen.  Maybe there’s some drinking going on, and a girl who seems really out of it is looking really good and is all over you.  Situations like that can happen quite easily.  At the end of the night two people’s lives have changed forever.

I know a girl who is still working through what happened to her 10 years ago when a guy, without her permission, on a date touched her very intimately while seeing a play.  Something simple can get very complicated very fast.

When some people were wondering how to follow Jesus He told them, “If anyone would come after me, let him take up his cross daily.”  Picking up a cross takes a lot of effort, not to mention carrying it.  Plus, you’ve got to make a decision to do it in the first place, a decision where you decide whether you’re a cross bearer or not.

If you’re a cross bearer, then start to pray and think: what will that look like for me, specifically?  How will your life look differently compared to people who aren’t pulling a cross around? 

When it comes to Homecoming, how does being a cross bearer affect how that evening turns out? 

Guys, how can you really make your date feel honored and lovely, as opposed to making her feel like

your opportunity to cop a feel?  How can you make her feel incredibly beautiful and special because you, yes you, took her to dinner and that dance?  And this is true whether you’re going as friends or as a couple.  Even if you’re not ‘interested,’ make her feel like a diamond.  Jesus had a way of making each person feel that way.  You can do the same.

Girls, I hate to put it this way, but you have to watch out for aggressors.  Most guys aren’t, but there are enough of them.  Plus, there are a lot of immature guys that don’t think through their actions.  How can you choose wisely who you go to the dance with?  What situations can you plan on avoiding so you’re not stuck in a situation where you feel the pressure of ‘heat’?  Cross bearing for you may be more about honoring yourself enough to be wise.  It may also mean looking for a guy that is hot, fun, AND knows how to walk like His Savior (just a hint: that kind of guy just might be lurking behind a nerdy exterior).

Now, some of you are going with someone that you do, in fact, want to be romantically involved with.  God loves this and wants to be with you in this.  So, what might it look like, as a cross bearer, to communicate your feelings (verbally or other) in a way that respects the other?  Think creatively.  Ultimately, that’s what romance is anyway.

The dance of romance is complicated.  Our hope to avoid some of the situations I’ve mentioned is not intended to steal the mystery out of it.  Enjoy the fun of Homecoming.  Yet, maybe the heart of it is to protect the ‘fun’ part by keeping the ‘heat’ in check.