Allegiant: when relationships get tough

Tris and Tobias.  I like them so much more than Katniss, Peta, and Gale.  They have a great chemistry

 and, for the most part, they really seem to care about each other.

Then comes Allegiant.  Things get much dice-ier for them in this book.  That’s pretty realistic actually.  All long-term relationships eventually go through an arc.  At the beginning, things often are great.  Excitement, mystery, newness, all these things make us feel alive to life in a way we weren’t before. 

The myth is that this goes on forever.  The truth, however, is not that love is doomed to failure or boredom.  That too is a myth, although one that can, and often does, come sadly true for those who don’t realize the first myth. 

Tris and Tobias are no exception.  Like in real life relationships, the challenges of life hit them individually, like a barrage of baseballs, and it takes a toll first on them individually and then on their relationship. 

So far, I see a trend that continues to harm their connection when it could be an opportunity to draw them together:

They are very understanding of their own pain, but don’t sympathize with the other’s. 

Two examples.  Both Tobias and Tris go through genetic testing and discover that something is supposedly “wrong” with Tobias’ genes, but not Tris’.

Tris quickly comments, “It’s not that big a deal.”

Now I actually think she has a valid point here and that she’s trying to love and validate that “This doesn’t change anything.”

But here’s the problem, she doesn’t give Tobias a chance to simply struggle to his conclusion with her.  Tris dismisses the hurt he feels.  He then walks out to struggle on his own (and get lured to Nita).

Another example.  Tobias finds out that his father, for whom he has contempt, was not sentenced to execution, but to being banished.  Again Tris dismisses the effect this has on her boyfriend.  She outright says, “You can be upset about whatever you want….But…it doesn’t seem like there’s much to be upset about.”

And, like any good story, their chance to follow up the conversation is interrupted.

Relationships, friendship, family, or romantic, are blessings from Father.  Blessings must be held gently.  Heavy-handedness usually harms, not heals.  The beauty of Jesus was God coming into our world and fully experiencing the joy, pain, grief, fun, laughter, hurt, and death that we feel.  Hebrews 4 says, “We do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses.”

Tris is a great character, but we can learn from her mistakes.  Healthy relationships involve sympathizing with someone else’s weaknesses and feelings, even if they seem ridiculous from our perspective.  If you want to feel close to someone and, also if you want to see them move on from something, the first step is to ask, listen, and bear the feelings of the other person.

Frozen & Mr. Banks

When I first became a Jesus follower in high school I was amazed at the depth of wisdom about life that I found in Scripture, and all things "Christian."  I quickly assumed there was no wisdom elsewhere, that God could be heard only through the voices of His followers (and, of course, His followers that agreed with my perspectives). 

And then there was Paolo Coehlo.

I began to devour nearly everything this mystical novelist published.  Here's the weird part: God met me in deep, profound ways when I read Coehlo's books, ways that still affect me today.  I began to see that the voice of my Father could be heard all around me and often I can tell when it's Him.

I recently saw two movies that touched me, and made it hard for me, in my manliness, to hide the fact that I was tearing up.

The first was Frozen.

Yes, my world of five girls makes Disney movies part of my life's fabric.  Because the young princess Elsa has a confusing power to freeze things, her parents are forced to keep her isolated from everyone, including her sister Anna, with whom she once was very close. 

Neither Anna's parents, nor Elsa herself, ever explained to her why her sister had to be kept apart.  This is the part that moved me: Anna, instead of writing off her sister because of her coldness, fights for, and ultimately sacrifices what she longs for, for their love.  In the climax of the film, she has the chance to get the guy she loves to kiss her and save her, but she chooses to give up that chance so her sister can live. 

How many times have I written people off because I didn't understand them, because I didn't know their story?  How many times have I looked down on people for something without considering that it may have been great pain that is the cause. 

This leads to the other movie: Saving Mr. Banks.  It's the story of the woman who wrote Mary Poppins.  The movie consists of many flashbacks to her childhood where she recalls the father that she loved so dearly, but who was painfully addicted to alcohol. 

Here is a woman with a past, a story that explains a great deal about how she is as an adult.  It struck me just how much of a legacy her father left on her.  It was indeed a legacy, though, a legacy of shame, guilt, and sadness. 

None of us can leave a perfect legacy, but, oh God, let us strive to leave an

honest, good one.  I can think of it now with my kids, but for you guys you are leaving legacies too to your siblings, your family, your friends, your boyfriend or girlfriend, and your classmates.  No one really hides their light under a bushel.  The question is what kind of light are you giving off?

Wisdom comes in my surprising places.  This time it was the movie theater.

Freaking about Finals

If you look at some of my previous posts you'll see I've blogging about how to be "Ok."  When we let Father be our cup-filler, our source of peace, love, contentment, then we can give to and enjoy the people, places, and things in our lives, instead of using them to make us feel whole. 

Here's how I think this principle can play out in a real life situation: final exams. 

When you're afraid of something (that is not physically dangerous), the fear you feel is ultimately about how it will affect how you see yourself and how others will see you.  Going into exams there are a lot of expectations.  For many it is the expectations of parents that you fear.  If you don't do well, how will they perceive you?  You may also fear the judgment of your teachers.  Finally, there's always the fear of how you will feel about your own abilities.  Do you cut it?  Are you good enough?  How will you measure up to everyone else?

All of these questions come down to: whose opinion will fill your cup?  I suggest you face the fear of finals, the same way you can face every other fear: Because I am deeply loved and enjoyed in my soul of souls by Father, my life has meaning and value, and nothing will change that. 

If you can let yourself trust in your Rock, then you can face the reality of the world: yes, my achievement matters in life.  But, see it doesn't matter ULTIMATELY, meaning in the most crucial sense-your sense of safety and value. 

So, yes, go and study your brains out, but enjoy learning (as much as is possible of course!).  I pray you can do well and reflect what you've learned this semester, but, in the end, even if you don't do well, and even if some people are disappointed with your performance, choose to fill your cup with your Father's love. 

Focus on How Guys Are Different

Over the weekend we visited with some friends named Jenny and Brock. We've been pretty tight with them for many years. About two years ago, they moved to Michigan for a job. Obviously, we don't see them much anymore so it was cool that they were in town. We met at another friend's house. However, despite not seeing each other much, what did Brock do the whole time we were together? Watch the Ohio State/Michigan game. A little background: Brock loves sports and used to watch a ton more of it, but chose several years ago to not watch as much so that he could focus on his wife and family. Despite this, my wife Beth admitted that she was at first annoyed that Brock couldn't enjoy talking and catching up and just occasionally check the game. But, she said, since she had been reading this book about men called Keys to the Kingdom, her perspective quickly changed. In Keys to the Kingdom, Armstrong points out that women often assume men are immature, selfish, and inconsiderate. Some of this is simply because men are different. In large part, they focus. Armstrong writes that, "It is what men do naturally--they focus. And they focus on one thing at a time. It's the way they were designed to think....It is a remarkable quality. It is one of the things that make them able to remember details, like all of the statistics of a ballgame or an entire season. They are utterly focused on that one thing when they are participating." A few weeks ago I was at a wedding of a really sweet couple. However, about a year earlier they broke up while dating. The guy was a very successful high school wrestler and it was really hard for him to focus on his sport and also a girlfriend. So, he broke it off. You can imagine how distraught the girl was. Yet, it wasn't because he didn't love her; it was because he did! He knew she deserved his focus and he felt he couldn't give it. What had to happen in their case was that they needed to communicate about how to respect his need to focus on his sport, but at the same time learn how to give to their relationship. They eventually figured it out, and now they're husband and wife. But it would be easy to see the guy as being immature or selfish. Instead, it demonstrates that men focus and that should be respected. On the other hand, as the story also illustrates, guys sometimes have to learn how to share or shift focus when they need to. With all the differences between guys and girls, I wonder how much the Lord chuckled when He was making them.

 

What a Guy Needs

"Kids are in the mood, mom and dad are too, to sit down at a Friendly's for a meal that is good food. Burgers good to order, Friendly fries to eat, a famous Friendly sundae can be a good treat..."

I still remember reciting the entire wording of this Friendly's restaurant commercial in front of my mom and dad over 20 years ago (and I still remember it today!). My mom was so impressed that I could recall every word! This may seem so insignificant, but if you're a guy you can probably know why this was so momentous: we live off of admiration and appreciation like car lives off gasoline.

Every man wants to be impressive to someone else. They want to be a hero, a rescuer, a knight in shining armor. Whenever I need help carrying something heavy around the school for whatever reason, guys in a study hall leap to the opportunity. When a teacher has a computer issue, it is often a guy student who is eager to fix it.

This also explains a problem women sometimes have with guys. When girls have a problem and they
share it with a guy friend, a boyfriend, or even their dad, for example, she really just wants him to listen. However, she gets annoyed because he wants to fix the problem, instead of letting her get her feelings out. On one hand, yes, we men have to learn how to 'just listen.' Still, girls should also realize that trying to 'fix it' is a natural way for a guy to show love; he wants to be your hero.

A guy who doesn't receive much admiration and appreciation is going to go downhill. If he is constantly criticized or ignored, he will shrivel. He will look desperately for a place to find that admiration. That could be a positive place, or a negative one.

If you're a girl, is there a guy in your life who is annoying you, maybe a brother, maybe a boyfriend?

It may be that he feels he has nothing to offer you because he can't make you happy. Whether he realizes it or not, that's what he wants. He wants to be your hero somehow. Consider trying to find ways for him to help you (and actually tell him. Girls, men honestly can't just tell what you want without informing them). And then, praise the heck out of him. I may be wrong and it may flop. But I will take a guess that you may be surprised at how this could turn a little boy into a man (or just make him more pleasant to be around).

If you're a guy, recognize and affirm that God made you to be a hero. It's written into your core, so go be it and don't be ashamed. Look for the ways that He has made you unique, the ways that He has designed you to be a hero in the way only you can.

It may be shooting hoops, constructing a theatre set, helping with dishes, kicking butt on your homework, helping your sister with math, designing new worlds, fixing computers, helping out at church, dreaming of a cure for cancer, creating a fundraiser for a sick friend, cutting your grandparents' lawn, rooting your girlfriend on at her volleyball game, talking about your faith to your friends, leading a devotion before practice, and on and on. Whatever it may be, go be a knight, kill some dragons, and rescue a princess (even if she's just your sister).

P.S. I know I focused on guys wanting to receive admiration and appreciation from girls, but I think they also need it from men in their lives.  If you don't get it from dad, find it in someone else like a coach, teacher, relative, or friend's dad. 

Celia live in film!

Celia's Arrival from Kurt Maechner on Vimeo.

Of Babies and Hurricanes

It was last year around this time when wind and rain tore up our neighborhood.  In fact, it did that to just about every neighborhood from here to the east coast as we suffered the after effects of Hurricane Sandy.

In our rainsoaked state with tree limbs lying strewn about, schools and businesses were closed.  I had certainly never had school called off in the fall before!

There are just a handful of occurrences in life when time seems to stop.  Natural disasters are one, and having a baby is another.

These times when the unrelenting call of "next" for one fleeting moment takes a break cause one to think in more introspective levels than normal life affords.

What's really important?

Money?
Work?
What so and so said the other day that really irked me?
What this or that person seems to think about me?
Having more rooms in our house?

Not really.

This little 8 pound girl.  That's life.  My sweet, beautiful wife.  Her laugh, her smile, how we can just talk and talk.  That's life.  My four other girls in all their strengths, quirks, and ponies.  That's life.  My gentle God, with his way of taking my fragile self and making me feel so warm and wanted inside.  That's life.

I could go on.  My parents, my brother, my friends, the dear people I work with, the students that make me laugh and the students who open their hearts to me.  All of these make life what it is too.

Relation-ship.  Where life is made.  Why did Jesus come?  Sin?  No.  That was simply a barrier to what He was really after: relation-ship.  Why did He even make the world?  Again, relation-ship.

Let's not let the stupid, passing things of life distract us and make us think that they are the real "stuff" of life.  Instead, let's, you and me, seek life where life truly is.

5 Myths About High School

Someone sent me a link to this blog post by a guy named Brant on Air1 and I loved it.  I copied it below, but if you want to see the actual blog post it's here: http://www.air1.com/blog/brant/post/2011/08/22/5-Off-the-Top-of-My-Head-Myths-about-High-School-that-People-Believe.aspx

1.  Bad grades in high school will ruin my life.
No, they won't. 

I know I'm not supposed to say this.  But you'll live, and maybe even a fully functional life.  Take it from me, a guy with ze perfect French accent... who failed French class.
God did not abandon me. Remarkably, I still make a living. Check THIS OUT: I have a garage door that I can open WITH A REMOTE CONTROL. That, my friends, is pretty awesome.
 
And you know what? If you don't get into the college of your dreams, your life will not be ruined.  If you don't even get into college, your life will not be ruined.  Your life, in fact, cannot be ruined by grades.  It's NO excuse for not being disciplined, but it's true.  The weird thing is that, even in "good, Christian families", this sounds like a subversive thing to say, so brace yourself:  "Success" really isn't the highest good.
"But what if I don't get into an elite college, and I don't get an amazing job making millions, and then I don't get to retire rich, and then I don't get to be old and wealthy, and then I can't die without a lot of money, and..."

Well, you got me there.  


2.  These people are my friends for LIFE!
No, they're not.  

They may not even be your best friends next year.  Yes, they are wonderful, and yes, it's great to have BFF's.  But the second "F" -- the "forever" part...?  It's not a lock.  Most people stay in touch with one or two people from high school, tops.  All the people around you are important, but they will not be constants in your life.  Chances are, you haven't met your true BFF's yet.  And that's not a horrible thing.

Knowing this can be a wonderful thing, when you feel like you're not at the top of whatever social heap everyone else is worried about.  It simply doesn't last.

3.  Everyone's looking at me all the time.
No, they're not.  Everyone's too busy thinking this about themselves to spend time studying you.  Seriously.  They've done research on  this.

It's called the "imaginary audience".  High school students, in particular, tend to way over-estimate the attention they're getting.  Fact is, even the "together" people are super self-conscious, and that means someone who *isn't* -- someone who's freed up to care about others -- can have an impact like an earthquake.

4.  Whatever social group I'm in now -- that's just who I am.
Nope.  It just doesn't work out that way.  This is why high school reunions and old yearbooks are so fascinating...and hilarious.

People can change.  And they do.  A lot.  Who you identify yourself as, now, does not lock you into a certain identity forever.  And it's a good thing, or a lot of people my age would still be wearing flannel-on-flannel and refusing to shower while listening strictly to Nirvana and Pearl Jam.

Everyone.  Will.  Change. 

5.   My teachers/parents just don't understand.
Don't flatter yourself.  Seriously.  For all the marketing of "teenager"-hood, the concept of "teenager" has been around less than a hundred years.  You're not in a mysterious, magical soap opera that adults just can't possibly understand.  It's not a sudden period of life that's simply distinct from all others.   

This is why, in fact, your parents are bothersome: It's not that they don't understand the importance of your life, your decisions...it's that they DO.  They can still relate to the issues, the temptations, the desire to run away from problems, etc.  So they won't just leave you alone. 

It's high-stakes, and they know it.  When you were three years old, your foolishness might mean a thrown toy.  Now, like an adult, your foolishness can mean years of sad regret.  Acting on your own, as a free agent, now or when you're an adult -- is a recipe for serious hurt.  The wise listen to counsel.

Mom, or Dad, or caring whoever -- they know this.  That's why they don't just shut up and "live their own lives".  And why you shouldn't, either.

Jesus didn't always help people

"Give everything 110%!!!"
Sorry, dude.  That's crap.  We're all pie graphs.  I am only one pie.
Yeah, but Jesus was always helping people.  Always preaching, always healing.
Wrong again.
He was pie graph too.
No, wait.  He was God, right?  He had like a wedding cake graph!
Nope.
This is the beauty of God coming to us in Jesus.  He really lived inside the limitations that we all have as human beings.
If you're like me and you have a heart that wants to love, wants to reach out to others, wants to make a difference, then you probably have the same tendency: to do MORE.
We have two cars.  When we first got them, I knew nothing about taking care of them.  I learned that I had to actually follow the little sticker that the mechanic puts on the windshield that says at such-and-such mileage, you need to bring the car in for an oil change.

If you don't...the car starts wearing down and eventually you're either faced with more expensive repairs, or smacked with the reality of a car that is dead.

Jesus apparently knew this too.  After a lot of hard work with his buddies he says to them, "'Come away by yourselves, and we will go to a lonely place to get some rest.'"  Grant it, in Mark 6, they get interrupted and end up feeding lots of people, but my guess is that this was the exception, and that resting, was the usual practice.

His, and his friends', 'cars' needed an oil change.  If you're always serving and taking care of others, but never yourself, you're not doing anyone any favors.  You're just limiting your ability to help others either because you'll be burned out or in a sour mood.

One way my wife and I refresh our spiritual lives is that we do retreats occasionally.  This past weekend, we gave each other a few hours on our own to just spend time with Jesus.  For me that looks like reading a mix of books that are encouraging me spiritually, journaling a bit, working on my autobiography, and just doing some relaxed talking to the Lord.  My wife journals a ton, and has been studying a book in the Bible.  It looks differently for everyone.  Just do what connects you.

These times are so refreshing because we get to reconnect with the Lord, and often feel like He speaks to us in special ways.  It gives us the Spirit-fed battery power to head back into the fun, and work, of loving each other, our kids, and others that God has placed in our lives.

So, has following Jesus looked like a lot of hard work lately?  Consider finding a lonely place and spending a retreat this summer.

Perks 4.5: sexual abuse

One thing has continued to nag me about my previous post.  It’s about the Aunt Helen issue.  In the book, Charlie’s aunt, whom he likes very much, had actually molested him.  Charlie didn’t realize this until the end of the novel because he had subconsciously blocked it out. 

In my previous post I was acknowledging how Christ-like it was that Charlie could be harmed at such a deep level by his aunt and still find it in his heart to see her humanity and try to understand her. 

But this cannot be the whole story. 

I’ve known too many real life situations like this and simply forgiving and ‘understanding’ someone who takes advantage of someone sexually is not God’s full desire.  One of my wife’s closest friends was molested by a neighbor as a child.  Later, after she was raising her own family, she discovered that her father was touching her children in inappropriate ways while babysitting. 

I have known students at LW who were touched in ways they didn’t want while on a date.  Another one even got pregnant by her father and then had an abortion.  Yet, another one was lured into things by an admiring sports coach (not from LW).  Then, of course, there are countless students who deal with getting unwanted sexually-charged texts.

This is a real issue, and a serious one.  In the previous post I mentioned the woman caught in adultery.  It’s easy to think kindly of her because we all feel bad that she was on the verge of being stoned.  But let’s remember that she was in the process of wrecking two marriages, her own and the other man’s.  In addition, think of the pain that this would bring on the children each of them had as they eventually discovered the breakdown of their parents’ marriages.

This is why, after Jesus has compassion and protects her, he concludes by saying, “Go and sin no more.” 

In the situation of my wife’s friend, she has had to put limits on her father’s opportunity to see their kids.  When they are with them, they will not let her dad be with his grandchildren without being present. 

One of the students I mentioned earlier was the one with the courage to call out the man who took advantage of her.  He had done the same to many others, but one girl had to make the tough choice to do something.  She has had to deal with going to court and testifying against him.  But think of the many girls she has saved who would have been taken advantage of if she had never spoken. 

None of this part of the issue is really addressed in Perks, but I really felt the need to say, if you are or have been taken advantage of sexually (physically or verbally), find someone you trust and tell them.  It’s time to stop being hurt.  

Dips, Screw Ups, and Conflict

I little while back I pulled a blunder.  I made a situation worse than it needed to be.  I had a student
 that I liked a lot.  We’ll call him Steve for the sake of the story.  He went to a class late and told that teacher that I had excused him when I hadn’t.  That teacher then found me and asked if it was true.  Of course I said it wasn’t and I got ticked. 

I usually don’t get that way, but my emotions started rolling and I wanted to talk to Steve.  I sauntered into the classroom where he was and called him out on it in front of the whole class.  I thought he was just going to be like, “Yeah, sorry.”  Instead he got mad and said some stuff and then I said stupid stuff back including using the term “B.S.” (way to be an example, Mr. Maechner).  Then Steve got sent to the office and I huffed away to my room where I began to realize: you did something really stupid, Kurt. 

I should have talked to Steve in the hallway or somewhere more private.  Instead I embarrassed him in class and provoked him to say things that got him in trouble.  There was also so much I didn’t know, things I found out later, things that Steve was dealing with, issues that he was wrestling with, and here I come thinking I can play tough guy. 

Have you ever felt this way?  You thought you were going to show somebody up or thought you would help somebody out and then ended up screwing everything up. 

I live on a street that has been under construction for some time.  There is part of the road that hasn’t been open for months.  I finally drove down it yesterday to see what they were doing. 

On our this street there were several dips where the road would narrow so much that it was easy to side swipe another car.  They were finally fixing these and that’s good because it was so dangerous!  Yet, there’s something I’ll miss.  Over time, people who knew that stretch of road were in the habit of stopping before each dip to see if someone was coming.  Often people would flash their lights or wave their hand to let some else through before they went down.  And if you let someone else go they would usually wave a Thank You when they passed.

Those dips are a lot like the crap we all face in life.  We all find ourselves in the dangerous dips of life from time to time.  But, what’s interesting is how these situations often force us closer to others in a way that doesn’t happen when all the streets are level.

As I brooded in my room after seeing Steve escorted to the office, I felt the Spirit saying, “Kurt, you’ve got to talk to him.”  Shoot.  I didn’t want to do that.  I wanted to get out of that dip and keep going.  I’m busy.  I’ve got things to do.  But the Spirit was right.

I went to find Steve and I apologized for my stupid move.  I explained what I should have done and that I was really sorry that I put him in this position.  He explained some of the things he had been dealing with and that helped make some sense out of the choices he had made.

I knew that talking to Steve wasn’t enough either.  The Spirit encouraged me to talk to our vice principal.  I needed to tell him my role in what happened in hopes that he would go easy on Steve.  That was humbling and embarrassing, but worth it.

I can’t say it fixed everything, and sometimes I wonder if I should have done more, but choosing to face the dip with Steve a bit brought some healing for us.  I still really enjoy him, and while wish that the situation hadn’t happened, it helped me know him, even a small level, a bit better than I did before.

Maybe you’re facing or are in a dip.  Maybe one way to help you through it is to look at the relationships that are being affected in it.  How can you step toward the people around you instead of running away and creating distance?  Could there be some healing or closeness that could result that might not have occurred if the dip never existed?

I think this is behind Jesus’ recommendation in Matthew when he basically said, “If there is someone holding something against you, skip church (or synagogue in that time) and go fix things.”  Relationship is high on God’s priority list.  Let’s try to make it high on ours.

Oh, and they are fixing all those dips on our street.  It’s much safer, but I admit, I’ll miss the ‘Thank You’ waves from other drivers.