Mean Girls

Mean Girls was a great movie.  What's so fun about this and other movies is that we know who to hate and who to love.

The Plastics are so fun to hate because they're so bad...all bad.

Real people aren't typically like this, though.  Mean girls, for example, are sometimes wonderful and sweet in class or at home, but nasty at lunch or at sports practice.

They, like others, are real people with hurts, fears, ambitions, feelings, and dreams.

The mean girl needs to be seen as a whole person, but the trouble for the mean girl is the same.  They need to see others as whole persons.

Are you a mean girl?  I'm sure you have your reasons.  But consider that you are judging someone on one detail that you criticize.  As much as you don't want to be pigeon-hold on one detail of your life, that same is true of the other person.

You must fight your nature.

Men are told to fight their natures all the time.  The male sex drive is very strong and, without morals, guys can be lewd, sexually aggressive, and take advantage of women.  But most men learn to control themselves and channel their sexual nature toward love and marriage.  Sure there are playboys out there, but men are constantly told, directly and indirectly, to control themselves.

Girls, however, are rarely taught to fight their natures.  Their challenge is not so much strong sexuality as it is emotional manipulation.  Women are very in tune with emotions and relationships.  This can, of course, be good, but can also be used to take advantage of others.  Uncontrolled, girls by nature scheme, gossip, ostracize, criticize, and reject.

You must fight your nature.

Paul told Titus to "avoid foolish controversies because these are unprofitable and useless."  People who continue in causing divisions after being warned, are called "warped and sinful" and "self-condemned."  Granted he's talking about arguments related to Jewish law, but I think the issue of the destructive nature of petty disputes is applicable.

Animals simply follow their natures.  Humans bear the image of God, though, and one way they do this is by living unlike their natures.

Turn from your teasing, sarcasm, and rumors and be an agent for change, for love, for grace, for bringing the Kingdom of God on earth as it is in heaven.

Is peace possible during finals?!

Exams.  Woo hoo!

Just fills the mind with delight, don't they?!

Not quite.

In fact, I had a student in speech class today deliver a speech about a school that brought in therapy dogs for students to help them relax between final exams.  Apparently, stress and finals are enough of a concern that people concoct weird remedies.

I'd like to offer an alternative.

Okay, let's answer the question: what is stressful about finals?

Well, it affects your grade.

Ok, What is stressful about a grade being affected?

Here's where the root really is.  The answer is one of three things (or a combination).
1. Parents may be upset.
2. It might affect your college (and eventual job) prospects
3. You may be upset with yourself

Paul, a guy who experienced a lot of old friends and family being upset with his faith switcheroo, wrote the following: "Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God.  Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.  For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God."

The "you" that died is the you that used to live in the world's system, the system that judges worth on accomplishment and acceptability.  For those of you who have followed Christ from an early age, you may not recognize that this part of you ever existed.  Some, like myself, experienced it for many years before receiving Christ.  But even if you don't remember it, I'm sure you can recognize it's tug.  It's the pull that says, "Please her, please him, do this, don't do that, make sure you have this person's approval."

When it comes to exams, the ultimate question is "Whose am I?"  See, if you're a Jesus follower, your life is hidden with Christ in God.

You rest there.

You are whole there.

You are loved there.

You are accepted there.

We don't always realize the position we're in.  That's one of many reasons Paul writes and reminds the folks in Colossae to "set your hearts on things above" and "set your minds on things above, not on earthly things."

You see, it takes work to believe the truth, that God's assessment of you is what matters.

If you can settle where your soul is at rest (hidden with Christ in God), then exams can just be that: exams.  They don't determine your worth or your happiness.

Now you can tackle them for what they are: a way of representing what you learned this semester.  Yes, you'll still be anxious, because you want to do well.  Everyone gets anxious at a performance whether a concert or basketball game.  But you don't need to let it determine your worth.

So, go do a good job on those finals, but remember: set your hearts on things above.

Slap a Bible Verse on it!

Some of you know my obsession with trains.  Well, I was looking at an old Trains magazine from the 1970s (I bought some old ones) and saw this locomotive with a Bible verse on it as the loco's number.  It was J33-3, which stands for Jeremiah 33:3. 

The verse reads:
"Call to me and I will answer you and show you great and mighty things that you do not yet know."

The railroad started in 1972.  Well, two years later...it closed. 

Part of me is impressed that whoever owned the railroad had a relationship with God that was important enough to slap a Bible verse on an engine.

The other part of me goes: this is what we Christians do all the time.

We slap a Bible verse on it.

We put them on our Christian school sports team shirts. 
We put them on our newsletters.
We make sure our holiday cards have one.
We slap them on our cars (or use a fish symbol).

The list goes on.

It's certainly not a bad thing, but does it really mean anything? 

I'm pretty sure nobody's life changed because of a Bible verse I wore on my T-shirt in high school.  Trust me; I wore plenty of them.

Instead, I hope people saw what my journey with God was doing to how I lived my life.  I was far from perfect, but I hope others were curious about me and my faith because the Holy Spirit was teaching me patience, gentleness, boldness, and kindness. 

Sometimes I think that many of us (like me in junior high) are just wearing shirts with Bible verses like Jesus said the Pharisees were "white-washed tombs."  We look good outside, but there's nothing really alive spiritually inside of us.

I'd rather live the heart of the Bible, than be a shell of a Christian with a Bible verse on my shirt.

Freaking About Finals

The following is a post from the past that I thought was relevant again as exams come our way next week.

If you look at some of my previous posts you'll see I've blogging about how to be "Ok."  When we let Father be our cup-filler, our source of peace, love, contentment, then we can give to and enjoy the people, places, and things in our lives, instead of using them to make us feel whole. 

Here's how I think this principle can play out in a real life situation: final exams. 

When you're afraid of something (that is not physically dangerous), the fear you feel is ultimately about how it will affect how you see yourself and how others will see you.  Going into exams there are a lot of expectations.  For many it is the expectations of parents that you fear.  If you don't do well, how will they perceive you?  You may also fear the judgment of your teachers.  Finally, there's always the fear of how you will feel about your own abilities.  Do you cut it?  Are you good enough?  How will you measure up to everyone else?

All of these questions come down to: whose opinion will fill your cup?  I suggest you face the fear of finals, the same way you can face every other fear: Because I am deeply loved and enjoyed in my soul of souls by Father, my life has meaning and value, and nothing will change that. 

If you can let yourself trust in your Rock, then you can face the reality of the world: yes, my achievement matters in life.  But, see it doesn't matter ULTIMATELY, meaning in the most crucial sense-your sense of safety and value.

So, yes, go and study your brains out, but enjoy learning (as much as is possible of course!).  I pray you can do well and reflect what you've learned this semester, but, in the end, even if you don't do well, and even if some people are disappointed with your performance, choose to fill your cup with your Father's love.

Dirty Dancing at Dances

I can still picture it: having to break up a couple that was grinding on the dance floor.  I hate

chaperoning.  When Beth was still teaching at LW I would have to chaperone the yearly Spanish dance with her, and, of course, we had to play 'dirty dancing' police.  



As soon as Beth stopped teaching I never chaperoned again.   



Is suggestive dancing really bad?  Inherently, I'd say no.  Much like using the F-bomb isn't inherently sinful.  Swearing really bothers a lot of people, but that doesn't make the word somehow evil.  



So, just because someone might make sexual movements while dancing, doesn't mean they're sleeping around.  

The issue in both cases is: what does it say about you to others?  



In much the same way that your speech gives people an impression of you, so do things like how you dance.



A common response is this: 
I don't care what people think.



This kind of attitude is a virtue, but only when it comes from a desire to do right or be true to values.  



Jesus calls his friends, "a city on a hill" and "a lamp on a stand."  You mean something to the world.  That's actually a cool reality.  It's quite amazing when you take seriously the fact that the manner in which you live your life speaks a message to those around you.



Jesus put it this way, "Let your light shine so that others will see your good life and praise the Father."



Father will speak his love to those around you in part by how you live your life.  

Let me be clear, though, since we're talking about suggestive dancing.  This is not an anti-sex message.  We are all created sexual beings.  We have feelings and desires that are in us that are both wonderful

and confusing.  But the question is: how does your sexual side look in the public sphere?

Let's use the example of sexual jokes.  A guy who uses them frequently will come to be seen as someone who glorifies sex.  A guy who has a sense of humor, but also treats girls sweetly and kindly, will come to be seen as a guy who is romantic.

'Dirty dancing' glorifies sex instead of romance.  Have you ever noticed how even elegant dancing has some sensual elements to it?  Couples doing figure skating routines are a good example.  There are caresses, dips, hands on waists, and intimate embraces, but it's somehow...beautiful.  

To me, public romance praises the beauty of love.  Public sexuality praises the mechanics of the body.  To speak nothing of musical tastes, this is the difference between Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus.   

So, "right or wrong" is irrelevant in this case.  I won't lay down some "line" when certain dancing is sin.  As a Jesus-follower, I'm not looking to just follow a list of rules.  I want my life to mean something to others and that means I need to be aware of what it is saying to those around me.

The Heat of Homecoming

Ever notice how feeling the ‘heat of the moment’ makes you do things that you normally wouldn’t?  For some people this is the only way they get school projects done!  Other times people make awesome spikes in volleyball or 3 pointers in basketball in the heat of the game. 

Homecoming does this too.  Guys that otherwise are pretty shy, for example, actually work up the guts
to ask girls to the dance.  The pressure actually brings out some good! 

Then there’s the other side of heat.  You know what I’m talking about.  The dumb moves.  Everybody does those and if you avoid them all together you’ll never take a risk.  YOLO.  I can’t believe I just wrote that.

But there are some things worth avoiding and usually you can see them coming.  All dances, but particularly the biggies like Homecoming and Prom, give us a lot of ‘heat of the moment’ opportunities.  That’s one thing that makes them a blast, but they can also create memories you wish you never had.

A guy, while slow dancing, begins to drop his hand way below the small of your back.  Or your date gets a lot closer to you than you want.  An upper classman sneaks alcohol into the dance and you, being younger, feel stupid turning down their offer to try it out.

A lot of stuff happens after the dance.  Maybe it’s a sleepover, maybe it’s a party, maybe it’s just in the car with friends on the way home.  Either way, stuff can happen.  Maybe there’s some drinking going on, and a girl who seems really out of it is looking really good and is all over you.  Situations like that can happen quite easily.  At the end of the night two people’s lives have changed forever.

I know a girl who is still working through what happened to her 10 years ago when a guy, without her permission, on a date touched her very intimately while seeing a play.  Something simple can get very complicated very fast.

When some people were wondering how to follow Jesus He told them, “If anyone would come after me, let him take up his cross daily.”  Picking up a cross takes a lot of effort, not to mention carrying it.  Plus, you’ve got to make a decision to do it in the first place, a decision where you decide whether you’re a cross bearer or not.

If you’re a cross bearer, then start to pray and think: what will that look like for me, specifically?  How will your life look differently compared to people who aren’t pulling a cross around? 

When it comes to Homecoming, how does being a cross bearer affect how that evening turns out? 

Guys, how can you really make your date feel honored and lovely, as opposed to making her feel like

your opportunity to cop a feel?  How can you make her feel incredibly beautiful and special because you, yes you, took her to dinner and that dance?  And this is true whether you’re going as friends or as a couple.  Even if you’re not ‘interested,’ make her feel like a diamond.  Jesus had a way of making each person feel that way.  You can do the same.

Girls, I hate to put it this way, but you have to watch out for aggressors.  Most guys aren’t, but there are enough of them.  Plus, there are a lot of immature guys that don’t think through their actions.  How can you choose wisely who you go to the dance with?  What situations can you plan on avoiding so you’re not stuck in a situation where you feel the pressure of ‘heat’?  Cross bearing for you may be more about honoring yourself enough to be wise.  It may also mean looking for a guy that is hot, fun, AND knows how to walk like His Savior (just a hint: that kind of guy just might be lurking behind a nerdy exterior).

Now, some of you are going with someone that you do, in fact, want to be romantically involved with.  God loves this and wants to be with you in this.  So, what might it look like, as a cross bearer, to communicate your feelings (verbally or other) in a way that respects the other?  Think creatively.  Ultimately, that’s what romance is anyway.

The dance of romance is complicated.  Our hope to avoid some of the situations I’ve mentioned is not intended to steal the mystery out of it.  Enjoy the fun of Homecoming.  Yet, maybe the heart of it is to protect the ‘fun’ part by keeping the ‘heat’ in check.  

Homecoming: I ordered my food, now what?

(I’m directing this to guys, but girls can use this one too)

So, she said yes.  You’re probably going to dinner some place.  What in the world do you talk about?  What if it goes silent?  This is a beautiful opportunity to learn an incredible skill.  It’s a skill that will win you friends (maybe even a girlfriend) and make you fun to be around, but will also give you a chance to really be helpful to people and be a better representative of your Savior.  It’s called Asking Questions.  

When Beth and I are driving over to someone’s house we often have this conversation: What should we ask them about?  We begin to process about what we’d like to learn about them, what kinds of things we’d like to talk about, or what shared interests to discuss.  Not only do we not have to worry about guessing while we’re there, but we also know that we’ll end up having meaningful conversations instead of just shooting the breeze about stupid stuff.  

So, before the big night, think about what you know about your date.  What is she interested in?  What does she do outside of school?  Make a mental plan to ask her about those things.  Just one thing can open up oodles of conversation to eat up the time between ordering your food and actually getting it.  

Example: she plays basketball.  What position do you usually play?  How did your team do last year?  Have you always liked basketball?  Are you going to try out this year?  Who’s the coach?  What do you like about it?  Who else is trying out?  Tell me your funniest basketball story.  Have you ever shot at the wrong basket? (I did :)  And so on.  Don’t ask them right after each other.  Hopefully, one or two questions and things will roll naturally.  And, hopefully…she’ll ask you questions too!

Homecoming-Tips for the Guys

I remember my first Homecoming dance in 1990.  It was a complete blast.  I had never been to a formal dance before.  Grade school dances were just plain stupid.  High school was a completely different story. 

For freshman year homecoming I went with a bunch of friends and, honestly, that was easy.  It was my sophomore year when it got complicated because, for the first time, I went with a date. 

Some of you are probably going with a date and, if you are an underclassman, that may be a pretty new thing for you.  So, in light of that, I wanted to throw a few ideas out to the guys in particular.

Ok, so first, accept that it will feel a bit (or a lot) awkward.  You may like the girl you’re taking, or you may not be sure.  Or she may like you, or you’re not sure, or she’s not sure.  Ugh!  Regardless, you’ve got a chance to practice being a gentleman.  That’s not an insignificant thing.  That is a GREAT thing.  There are a lot of men out there who are selfish jerks, and, unfortunately, they give the rest of us a bad name.  So, give men a good name and have fun treating a girl like gold.

Let’s start with practicals:  Look and smell nice.  How?  Here’s a few things: wear deodorant, brush your teeth reeeeally well, floss (seriously-bad breath is commonly from unflossed teeth), cut your nails, shave (even if you don’t have much to shave yet!), get a haircut, and my favorite: carry around Altoids.  You know those “curiously strong mints” that you can buy at Target.  Keep a few in your pocket.  Pop one just before you walk into her house.  Pop one after you are done with dinner.  Pop one before a slow dance. 

Oh, yeah, and if you can get a hold of some cologne, spray a little bit on your hands and put it on your neck. 

These details may seem so annoying since guys don’t usually think a whole lot about appearance etc., but girls are impressed when a guy does these things because they say to her: I am thinking about you. 

Ok, so, what the heck do you talk about?  Ask her lots of stuff.  In fact, think beforehand about what

to ask her about.  Want to treat a girl well?  Talk to her and learn about her.  I know we’re different, guys.  She just has to flick her hair and wear a cute dress and we have melted.  But her?  She wants a guy to be interested in her: her thoughts, her life, her interests, her feelings.  Now it’s just a dance.  It doesn’t need to be deep, but there are a million things you probably don’t know about your date that would be great fodder for conversation.

Now what if you have a date, but you go to dinner with friends.  Don’t ignore her.  Don’t just talk to your guy friends at dinner.  Still ask her questions.  Don’t interrogate her, but again, show that you’re thinking about her.

Now, the dance.  If you’re a typical American male, you haven’t done a whole lot of ‘fast’ dancing in your life.  The same was true of me when I was a freshman.  This isn’t sage wisdom here, but: try it.  You’ll feel like a dork, but just start moving your feet and don’t leave your hands completely at your side.  The easiest thing is to try to mimic the people around you. 

Slow dancing is much easier because you just have to rock.  The awkward thing is: how much space between you?  It depends on the nature of your relationship with your date.  If you’re not dating, don’t get too cozy.  On the other hand, don’t leave an entire ruler’s length between you.  It looks and feels weird.  It may feel strange to talk about this, but accept that a little bodily contact is not a big deal. 

Let’s be honest.  You’re touching a girl; it’s not something you do every day, unless you’re dating.  Needless to say, it will probably turn you on.  You’re not a pervert for feeling that.  You’re a man.  Still, it can make dancing feel a bit ‘intense.’  A way to chill yourself out a bit is to talk to your date.  Find something to laugh about.  Make fun of the couple across the floor that is dancing funny.  Whatever.  Either way you’ll get your mind somewhere else and, plus, it will be fun for you and your date.

What about your hands?  Again, depends on your relationship to your date.  Are you just friends, or interested, but still getting to know each other?  Hands on her back are the safest place.  It’s sweet, but not suggestive.  If you’ve been dating for a while, it may be okay to put your hands on her waist.  It’s obviously more intimate so, just be aware of what you’re doing. 

Should you kiss her at the end of the night?  Again, depends.  Here’s just my opinion: if you’re not dating, don’t.  Maybe you want her to know that you really do like her.  You don’t need to kiss her to let her know that.  Here’s a much easier, and, honestly a meaningful way, to let her know.  Say this, “Hey, I had a really good time tonight.  Thanks for going with me.”  She will melt like a slushy in the sunshine if you say that.  Then give her a hug.  And if you’re really brave, say, “Let’s hang out again sometime.”  Cue the fireworks.

Ok, I know my readers aren’t big on posting comments, but, if you’re a girl, it would be awesome to get any other recommendations here for our guy readers.  Thanks!