Why do girls go for bad guys?

As a girl, you may find yourself attracted to guys that are bad for you.  That might seem odd, but it happens all the time. 

Girls fall for 'bad boys' a lot. 

It makes sense, though, because there's something exciting about the rebellious, ambitious nature of these guys.  It's "hot," as they say.  Nice guys seem boring. 

But remember this: the nice guys are men too.  They can also be ambitious and exciting, but you have to give them a chance to show it.  It may not come out in tattoos, risky actions, or nasty pranks.  It may come out in grand visions for their futures, ambitions for careers, a passion for music or art or theatre or technology.  Nice guys can be great boyfriends.  Plus, they're less likely to use you!  Remember, "nice" means they know how to relate well.  Bad boys simply know how to be cool on the popularity street.  

My wife admits to dating a drug-using bad boy in high school.  She always hoped she could change him. It didn't work (it rarely does), and she got hurt. 

While "bad boys" seem tough and confident, it's often a façade.  They don't know how to face real life challenges with confidence, actually.  The 'nice guys' often know the real world-the one where there are jobs and responsibilities.  These are guys that will have the heart and guts to eventually take care of a woman, romance her, and make her a truly happy life. 

The immature bad boy, however, won't translate well into a twenty-something guy with a vision for a future.  Once they catch their 'hot chick' and marry her, they don't always know how to keep winning her heart, or how to provide a good life for her. 

Do yourself a favor and don't jump on the bandwagon of attraction.  It does cue you into something you like, but try to find that attribute in a guy that also has qualities that make him worth your time.

Does it matter what I watch, play, or listen to-Part 3

In some previous posts I began the discussion about what does a Jesus-follower do about reading, watching, listening, or playing entertainment that is questionable to some people?

Here is a story to add to that conversation.  Remember, it's my story and how the Father worked in it.  That doesn't mean it should be your story.  Just let it add to your process as you work through these issues with your Father.


So, in high school I was hardcore into heavy metal.  It was the most rebellious music at the time and I loved it's hard-hitting style and powerful guitar riffs.  AC/DC was my number one love.  I saw them in concert during The Razor's Edge tour, owned all their albums, wore their T-shirts regularly, and even bought import records from Australia. 

Along comes my freshmen year in high school when I met Jesus personally for the first time in my life.  He changed me.  I suddenly hungered to live my life following Him. 

One day, after school, I donned my Highway to Hell AC/DC shirt, not even thinking about the implications.  There was an art teacher at LW at the time that had become a spiritual mother to me.  She happened to see me in the hallways and questioned me about the shirt.

"But it's the only one with Bon Scott, the original singer on it!" I replied.

She said back simply, "Shouldn't what's on the outside of you reflect what's on the inside?"

That phrase lingered in me and I began to question my musical choices.  I feel like the Spirit was challenging me to stop listening to secular (non-Christian) music.  I realized that music had a profound impact on me, my thinking, and my moods.  I wanted to just feed my spirit with music that would build up my newfound relationship to the Father.

So, I trashed, literally, all my AC/DC stuff.  Then I explored, for the first time ever, the world of Christian music and found stuff I really loved. 

Here's where I went wrong, though.  I began to argue with others that they too should stop listening

to secular music.  I got into many arguments about this. 

At the time, I did not recognize that the Father's directions for me, were not necessarily his directions for everyone else (like Romans 14 talks about). 

Over time, too, I realized that I could listen to some secular music without it affecting me negatively like it once did.  That came several years later.  So, God was working on something in my life and when He was done, He moved on.

Here's what I learned:
1. You have to be honest with yourself about how your entertainment choices influence you.  Put aside the excuses and face it.  Really think about it.  The answer may be: violent video games really don't make me act or think any differently at all.  Or it may be: violent video games actually churn up aggression in me and I find myself taking it out on my siblings.

Few of us what to be honest about the fact that stuff affects us.  But when you can get to that level of transparency, look and ask your Father about it.  Let Him have some time to communicate with you about what's best.

2. Accept what God is challenging you to as a part of  his process of growing you.  He wants the best for you and you have to trust his prescription.  Maybe He's encouraging you to stop doing something, not because it's bad in and of itself, but because it's just not good for your spirit right now.  On the other hand, maybe His direction is not to ditch this or that, but to add in somethings in your life that will build up your relationship to God.

3. Realize that certain limitations may only be for a season.  Films with sex scenes were not good for me for a long time.  I just didn't want to "go there" mentally.  Now, as a happily married man, those scenes are not bothersome to my wife and me.  We can recognize what's good and bad, just like we can when we read about sex or rape in the Bible, and it doesn't influence us negatively.  As a single guy, though, I needed to be much more careful.

4. Don't take your convictions and assume they are for everybody else.  He's their Shepherd too and they have to listen to His voice, not yours.

5. Trust me, you can live without somethings that you are convinced you couldn't never part with.  If your Father is really calling you to make a sacrifice, He will give you satisfaction greater than what that game, music, or movie could ever provide.  Trust Him enough to believe this.

Friendship --> Dating Part 2

I mentioned in the last post the importance of really getting to know a person before you become an item, but that opened up a problem:

It’s hard to get to know someone of the opposite sex without people assuming you’re dating.  Plus, the other person may think you like them automatically just because you talk to them.  This leads to another issue: will the guy or girl get uncomfortable around you, then, because they think you like them?
 
So, let me preface my advice.  I’m older and married.  You can take that to mean I don’t understand.  But I do.  I was a teen too and I remember it.  The benefit I have now, though, is I have seen life on the other side of being a teenager and dating.  It’s like this: you, as a teen, are in the middle of a battle.  I’m in a plane now looking down at the whole war. 

To me, much of this comes down to

Risk.

All of the concerns I mentioned above are real and yes, you will feel them and they will at times hurt.  Largely, they deal with this: if you make a move toward someone of the opposite gender, people will assume things.  You will have to let that go. 

No, that is not easy whatsoever, but all the greatest things in life require you to go out on a limb BEFORE you know if the limb is perfect.  It’s a lot like faith.

If you’re a girl, for example, and you want to get to know a guy, or guys, you’re going to have to do somethings that others will point fingers at.  You’re going to have to make some first steps to talk or hangout with them or communicate with them.

You don’t even know if he’s right for you, right?  But you won’t know until you try these things.  Of course you can learn a lot about someone without ever talking to them.  If you know there are red flags already, don’t waste your time.  If he’s known for lewd jokes and messing around with girls, don’t try to get to know him in hopes that deep down he’s really a wonderful man…he isn’t, at least not at this point in his life.

So, will people think you like this person if you start talking to him in the Commons?  Probably.  What are you going to do?  Life has risks and so does love.  Of course, you don’t want to be known as a girl who flirts around all the time, so choose wisely.  Do your homework on a guy (find things out about him) before you decide he’s someone you want to make noticeable moves towards.

Is he going to act uncomfortable then?  Maybe.  If he ends up liking you, and you’re a good match, that will go away.  If he doesn’t like you, it probably won’t and you have to take the hint and back off.  I know that feels awful, but you don’t just walk into a car store and pick out the first model on the floor.  You have to throw a few wasted test drives in there usually.

As long as you’re interacting honorably with the guy or guys, then your reputation should have good standing.  What I mean is that you are communicating, having fun together.  Of course, there’s some flirting that will go on, but wait on that and when it feels right, let it be innocent and playful, not overt, aggressive, or suggestive.

Speaking to guys: All of this advice above is fine and dandy for girls, but I think nature, God really, made you to be the one to make these moves.  That doesn’t mean it’s wrong for a girl to do it, but I do think men have a courageous spirit in them that drives them to take risky action, especially to win a girl’s heart.  You don’t need to make these moves if you don’t want to.  But when you do, as the saying goes, “Just Do It.”  Be a man, in the classic sense.  Deal with rejection.  It’s your honor as a man to be that risk-taker and, trust me, girls will love you for it.  It shows them that you’re an honorable man with guts.  Again, it’s not easy, but it’s worth it.

All along here, I have assumed something, but some may not assume it.  The Father deeply wants to partner with you in your life, specifically your love life.  He wants to walk with you through the heartache and the joys, the pain and the pleasure.  He wants to hear your feelings and your frustrations.  Let him into this.  It is the Father’s good pleasure to be invited by you into your deepest feelings.

Ask him for wisdom.  Listen for His direction in your heart and mind.  Let him stir your feelings in directions and cool them in others.  Don’t fear Him.  Let Him love you.  Proverbs 3:5-6 puts it this way, “Seek the Lord with all your heart.  Don’t lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways, acknowledge him and he will direct your paths.” 

He longs to be a part of your life.

So...you are the ones in the trenches, though.  I'd love some feedback on what it's really like and if what I said makes sense there or not.  I don't have the definitive answers.  That's why conversation is good.  Share your reactions!

R+J 11th Period

R+J 10th Period

R+J 5-6th Period

 

R+J 1st Period

Friendship --> Dating: How to

So I was recently asked by a freshman, "If you're friends with a guy and you both like each other,

how do you move things along?"  (I mention 'freshmen' only because there are different issues at different ages)

I asked my wife what she would say and she replied, "Don't move things along."

:)

Now, let me clarify what she means.  She's not wagging her finger saying, 'No dating, young people!'  What she's after is that sometimes we are too eager to move quickly in relationships. 

We are inundated with romance images all around us.  Music videos, songs, movies, TV shows, all of them are full of people making out and more.  So, to say take things slowly, it seems to be asking you to miss out.

But what if I were to tell you that taking it slow would actually increase your relationship satisfaction? 

Nobody gets a better marriage (which is really the whole point, right?) by getting in and out of as many dating relationships as possible.

Taking it "slow" actually means to pay attention to the real heart of what relationships are all about: relating.  This means really getting to know someone and enjoying that, not just making out in a movie theater.  Having fun with someone gives you a chance to discover two things:

1. What they're like
2. What you're like

The first one makes sense, but how often do we just date people because they're cute or available?  Why not actually study this guy you like.  Of course, to do this, you've got to be around him in different circumstances.  Does he treat his friends well, is he snarky with his parents, is he responsible, does he encourage people, does he have a sense of humor, can he ask interesting questions, does he listen to others or just do all the talking?   

The second one may seem odd, but knowing yourself will help you figure out what's going on in your heart with a guy.  Observing what you're like, what means love to you, what sets you off, what bothers you.  These kinds of things help you determine who you would be good with. 

For example, let's say you honestly feel really good when your parents or friends say good stuff about you.  Not everyone has that same reaction.  You are unique, and encouraging words fill up your specific "love tank." 

If you like a guy, watch if he uses his words to encourage others.  If he does, he might be a worthy match for you.  On the other hand, if he's sarcastic all the time, or doesn't say a whole lot, he may not be worth your time.

Maybe words aren't a huge deal to you.  Maybe you feel the most love when people make time to just hang out and do stuff with you.  So, does this guy make time for his friends?  Does he make time for his family? 

There's so much more to say here, like:
1. What if you're attracted to someone without those qualities
2. If you do think it's time to move things along, how do you go about it?
3. When it comes to dating, is risk a good or bad thing?
4. Does God care about any of this stuff?

I'll try to address some of these in upcoming posts.

Does it matter what I watch, play, or listen to? Part 2

I knew a guy in high school that was an avid guitar player like myself.  One day I had my guitar

sitting around at play practice and he asked if he could play it.  He wanted to show me that he had learned the song "Highway to Hell" by AC/DC. 

I don't recall how I got out of it, but I did not want him to play that 'bad' song on my guitar.  Something in me thought it would contaminate my instrument or something.  I look back on it now and realize it was a bit silly.

Back in the first century early Christians had a somewhat similar dilemma.  Most people around them were pagans.  They worshipped numerous gods.  One way they did this was to sacrifice animals to them.  Well, that left a lot of meat, so, apparently, butchers would chop up the animal and sell the meat at the market. 

The trouble is that some followers of Christ were a little bothered by this.  They didn't want to eat meat that had previously been sacrificed to some false god or even a demon.  Some went as far to say that it was better to only eat vegetables in order to not get mixed up with this 'defiled' practice.

As we're considering how a Christ-follower can relate to various forms of entertainment, watch how Paul dealt with the meat issue in Romans 14.  It's clear that he's addressing a group of believers who strongly disagree with each other on this topic.  I'll follow up in the next post with how this can apply to video games, movies, music, and so forth.

"Welcome with open arms fellow believers who don’t see things the way you do. And don’t jump all over them every time they do or say something you don’t agree with—even when it seems that they are strong on opinions but weak in the faith department. Remember, they have their own history to deal with. Treat them gently.

^"For instance, a person who has been around for a while might well be convinced that he can eat anything on the table, while another, with a different background, might assume he should only be a vegetarian and eat accordingly. But since both are guests at Christ’s table, wouldn’t it be terribly rude if they fell to criticizing what the other ate or didn’t eat? God, after all, invited them both to the table. Do you have any business crossing people off the guest list or interfering with God’s welcome? If there are corrections to be made or manners to be learned, God can handle that without your help.

⁵ Or, say, one person thinks that some days should be set aside as holy and another thinks that each day is pretty much like any other. There are good reasons either way. So, each person is free to follow the convictions of conscience.

^6-9 What’s important in all this is that if you keep a holy day, keep it for God’s sake; if you eat meat, eat it to the glory of God and thank God for prime rib; if you’re a vegetarian, eat vegetables to the glory of God and thank God for broccoli. None of us are permitted to insist on our own way in these matters. It’s God we are answerable to—all the way from life to death and everything in between—not each other. That’s why Jesus lived and died and then lived again: so that he could be our Master across the entire range of life and death, and free us from the petty tyrannies of each other.

^10-12 So where does that leave you when you criticize a brother? And where does that leave you when you condescend to a sister? I’d say it leaves you looking pretty silly—or worse. Eventually, we’re all going to end up kneeling side by side in the place of judgment, facing God. Your critical and condescending ways aren’t going to improve your position there one bit. Read it for yourself in Scripture:

“As I live and breathe,” God says,

    “every knee will bow before me;
Every tongue will tell the honest truth
    that I and only I am God.”

So tend to your knitting. You’ve got your hands full just taking care of your own life before God.

^13-14 Forget about deciding what’s right for each other. Here’s what you need to be concerned about: that you don’t get in the way of someone else, making life more difficult than it already is. I’m convinced—Jesus convinced me!—that everything as it is in itself is holy. We, of course, by the way we treat it or talk about it, can contaminate it.

^15-16 If you confuse others by making a big issue over what they eat or don’t eat, you’re no longer a companion with them in love, are you? These, remember, are persons for whom Christ died. Would you risk sending them to hell over an item in their diet? Don’t you dare let a piece of God-blessed food become an occasion of soul-poisoning!

^17-18 God’s kingdom isn’t a matter of what you put in your stomach, for goodness’ sake. It’s what God does with your life as he sets it right, puts it together, and completes it with joy. Your task is to single-mindedly serve Christ. Do that and you’ll kill two birds with one stone: pleasing the God above you and proving your worth to the people around you.

^19-21 So let’s agree to use all our energy in getting along with each other. Help others with encouraging words; don’t drag them down by finding fault. You’re certainly not going to permit an argument over what is served or not served at supper to wreck God’s work among you, are you? I said it before and I’ll say it again: All food is good, but it can turn bad if you use it badly, if you use it to trip others up and send them sprawling. When you sit down to a meal, your primary concern should not be to feed your own face but to share the life of Jesus. So be sensitive and courteous to the others who are eating. Don’t eat or say or do things that might interfere with the free exchange of love.

^22-23 Cultivate your own relationship with God, but don’t impose it on others. You’re fortunate if your behavior and your belief are coherent. But if you’re not sure, if you notice that you are acting in ways inconsistent with what you believe—some days trying to impose your opinions on others, other days just trying to please them—then you know that you’re out of line. If the way you live isn’t consistent with what you believe, then it’s wrong.

 

Does it matter what I watch, play, or listen to? Part 1

Recently, someone asked me a very important question:

If you play a video game that involves shooting people, does God dislike or hate that game? Or if you enjoy watching a show like Breaking Bad, does God disapprove of that show because it is unethical to cook meth?
I'd love to hear your opinion on this as I'm sure it's a huge concern for teens and others in general. No one wants a little conscience running around telling you that you aren't allowed to enjoy things anymore because you're a Christian.

There is so much to say here and I may have to break it into several posts.

First of all, if you are asking the question it speaks well of you as a person.  The fact that you can recognize that some forms of entertainment may be at odds with your faith shows that you care enough about your faith to face that issue.

Honestly, I would say most Christians live compartmentalized lives, meaning that they relegate parts of their lives to 'religious things' (church, chapel, prayer, service) and other parts to 'secular things' (entertainment, relationships, family, career, school).  Instead of facing the challenges of bringing the two together, it's easier to just separate them.

This explains to me why a guy that I went to high school and college with who would adamantly defend his Christian faith could also, while in line at the cafeteria in college, say to a friend that if he saw a gay person holding hands with another guy he would punch him in the face (I overheard this conversation without his knowledge).  So, in the "big picture" he believes in love and mercy, but in the everyday, that rarely affects his 'secular' life choices.

In essence, I would say there is a difference between the "religious" person and the person on a journey with the Father.  A religious person follows important rituals such as church attendance, occasional prayer, and maybe even some sort of religious education like a Bible study or Sunday school class.  Religion is a set of expectations that they adhere to either apathetically (because their family does for example) or even ardently.  It is akin to commitment to a political party.  There is a commitment, maybe even fervent, but it rarely spills over into 'normal' life.

On the other hand, there are people who are on a journey with the Father.  They may or may not follow traditional religious practices, but either way, at the core of their soul is a desire to love and be loved by God.  Much like my life with my wife affects everything I do, so these people see their relationship to Father this way.  Life is a journey to know Him through Jesus, a journey to learn how to live in the Father's affection and, then to naturally find your life reflecting the values of the one you love. 

Where am I going with all of this?  The religious person, when it comes to entertainment, if they ask the question at all, will approach it from a level of expectations.  If I am a Christian, what am I allowed to do or not do?  Is this video game or watching this type of movie or listening to such and such music sinful or not? 

The issue of one of rules.  It is a good question, but ultimately a surface one.  It tends toward asking, "What can I get away with and still be a good Christian?"

I would suggest the better question is: am I a religious person, or am I someone who feels deeply loved by God?  The answer to this, I believe, is much more important to God than what TV shows you're watching.

If you are of the latter, the question concerning entertainment becomes very different.  When you are loved, truly loved, rules are not part of the issue.  Instead, you realize that the Father loves you and wants the best for you and your life and your relationship together.  So, you can ask, "Father, I know you love me and my soul and I want to be careful with it.  Does ______________ cause me harm in any way?  Is there something here that you would want me to change?"

See, this person doesn't need to assume that God's answer for them is His answer for everyone else.  Just like I have to parent each of our children a little different because they are each different personalities, so God relates to us each differently because He knows us and our differences so well.

So, for the person living in the Father's affection, I would say: engage with Him.  Talk to Him about your entertainment choices.  Don't assume answers just because you've heard them from others.  But be patient and trust that if you ask you will receive.  James says in chapter 1, "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives graciously."  Trust that God will speak to you in time and that you, yes you, have the Spirit of God in you and can indeed 'hear' him through your thoughts and heart.

I have so much more to say because this is a complex issue, but for now I'll leave you with a few other items that I'll address in the future:
-Does it matter how others see my entertainment choices?
-Have you, Mr. Maechner, dealt with any of these issues?
-What do I do with the fact that, like it or not, I like somethings that are not good?

How to get a guy to do what you want him to

(This is a post I wrote for the marriage blog that my wife and I write, but while marriage is a ways off for most of you, I'm convinced that the more you learn about the opposite sex and the earlier, the more successful you'll be at relationships)

Psst. Want to get a man to do what you want him to?

Here's how:

Accept that he doesn't want to do it.

Uh, really.

I know this does not seem helpful, but let me explain.

Taking out the trash, cutting the lawn, moving the furniture around, cleaning the dishes, putting the kids down at night...none of it, for a man, is worth doing.

Great, right?

Here's the thing: for a woman, just completing those tasks is satisfying.  Not so for him.  He works hard at his job.  Those tasks are not intrinsically motivating.

But something else WILL motivate him.

A man is hard-wired (by God I would say) to yearn to be a hero, especially his woman's hero.  A hero is eager to do a task when he knows exactly how it will rescue someone.

So, if he only thinks that the dirty dishes annoy you, that is not motivating to a hero.

He needs to know what it will provide for you.

For example, "Sweetheart, when you take care of the dishes after dinner, it really makes me feel appreciated and helps me enjoy making nice meals for our family.  Plus, it gives me time to relax so I can be in better spirits to enjoy our evening together.

Suddenly, washing the dishes becomes an act of heroism.  He now knows what it provides for you.  Nothing else is as motivating to us guys as providing for our woman.

This is distinct from nagging.  That demotivates because it implies that you don't think he wants to help you and it also doesn't give him a chance to be a hero.  It only gives him a chance to get off your back.

As Alison Armstrong puts it, "You are the person for whom he most wants to be, and needs to be, a hero. This means you are the center of his results. You are the reason for his results.  Men play for points. And it is your points that he wants the most."

Excerpt From: Alison A. Armstrong. “The Queen's Code.” Routledge. iBooks.
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