Rapaccini's Daughter

Here are audio versions of "Rapaccini's Daughter" for those of you in my English class.  You can listen to them here or download them (click on the down-pointed arrow).  They are divided by page number, though, if a page ends in the middle of a paragraph, I read through to the end of it on the next page.  The next page audio then begins with the first full paragraph.

Dirty Dancing at Dances

I can still picture it: having to break up a couple that was grinding on the dance floor.  I hate

chaperoning.  When Beth was still teaching at LW I would have to chaperone the yearly Spanish dance with her, and, of course, we had to play 'dirty dancing' police.  



As soon as Beth stopped teaching I never chaperoned again.   



Is suggestive dancing really bad?  Inherently, I'd say no.  Much like using the F-bomb isn't inherently sinful.  Swearing really bothers a lot of people, but that doesn't make the word somehow evil.  



So, just because someone might make sexual movements while dancing, doesn't mean they're sleeping around.  

The issue in both cases is: what does it say about you to others?  



In much the same way that your speech gives people an impression of you, so do things like how you dance.



A common response is this: 
I don't care what people think.



This kind of attitude is a virtue, but only when it comes from a desire to do right or be true to values.  



Jesus calls his friends, "a city on a hill" and "a lamp on a stand."  You mean something to the world.  That's actually a cool reality.  It's quite amazing when you take seriously the fact that the manner in which you live your life speaks a message to those around you.



Jesus put it this way, "Let your light shine so that others will see your good life and praise the Father."



Father will speak his love to those around you in part by how you live your life.  

Let me be clear, though, since we're talking about suggestive dancing.  This is not an anti-sex message.  We are all created sexual beings.  We have feelings and desires that are in us that are both wonderful

and confusing.  But the question is: how does your sexual side look in the public sphere?

Let's use the example of sexual jokes.  A guy who uses them frequently will come to be seen as someone who glorifies sex.  A guy who has a sense of humor, but also treats girls sweetly and kindly, will come to be seen as a guy who is romantic.

'Dirty dancing' glorifies sex instead of romance.  Have you ever noticed how even elegant dancing has some sensual elements to it?  Couples doing figure skating routines are a good example.  There are caresses, dips, hands on waists, and intimate embraces, but it's somehow...beautiful.  

To me, public romance praises the beauty of love.  Public sexuality praises the mechanics of the body.  To speak nothing of musical tastes, this is the difference between Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus.   

So, "right or wrong" is irrelevant in this case.  I won't lay down some "line" when certain dancing is sin.  As a Jesus-follower, I'm not looking to just follow a list of rules.  I want my life to mean something to others and that means I need to be aware of what it is saying to those around me.

The Heat of Homecoming

Ever notice how feeling the ‘heat of the moment’ makes you do things that you normally wouldn’t?  For some people this is the only way they get school projects done!  Other times people make awesome spikes in volleyball or 3 pointers in basketball in the heat of the game. 

Homecoming does this too.  Guys that otherwise are pretty shy, for example, actually work up the guts
to ask girls to the dance.  The pressure actually brings out some good! 

Then there’s the other side of heat.  You know what I’m talking about.  The dumb moves.  Everybody does those and if you avoid them all together you’ll never take a risk.  YOLO.  I can’t believe I just wrote that.

But there are some things worth avoiding and usually you can see them coming.  All dances, but particularly the biggies like Homecoming and Prom, give us a lot of ‘heat of the moment’ opportunities.  That’s one thing that makes them a blast, but they can also create memories you wish you never had.

A guy, while slow dancing, begins to drop his hand way below the small of your back.  Or your date gets a lot closer to you than you want.  An upper classman sneaks alcohol into the dance and you, being younger, feel stupid turning down their offer to try it out.

A lot of stuff happens after the dance.  Maybe it’s a sleepover, maybe it’s a party, maybe it’s just in the car with friends on the way home.  Either way, stuff can happen.  Maybe there’s some drinking going on, and a girl who seems really out of it is looking really good and is all over you.  Situations like that can happen quite easily.  At the end of the night two people’s lives have changed forever.

I know a girl who is still working through what happened to her 10 years ago when a guy, without her permission, on a date touched her very intimately while seeing a play.  Something simple can get very complicated very fast.

When some people were wondering how to follow Jesus He told them, “If anyone would come after me, let him take up his cross daily.”  Picking up a cross takes a lot of effort, not to mention carrying it.  Plus, you’ve got to make a decision to do it in the first place, a decision where you decide whether you’re a cross bearer or not.

If you’re a cross bearer, then start to pray and think: what will that look like for me, specifically?  How will your life look differently compared to people who aren’t pulling a cross around? 

When it comes to Homecoming, how does being a cross bearer affect how that evening turns out? 

Guys, how can you really make your date feel honored and lovely, as opposed to making her feel like

your opportunity to cop a feel?  How can you make her feel incredibly beautiful and special because you, yes you, took her to dinner and that dance?  And this is true whether you’re going as friends or as a couple.  Even if you’re not ‘interested,’ make her feel like a diamond.  Jesus had a way of making each person feel that way.  You can do the same.

Girls, I hate to put it this way, but you have to watch out for aggressors.  Most guys aren’t, but there are enough of them.  Plus, there are a lot of immature guys that don’t think through their actions.  How can you choose wisely who you go to the dance with?  What situations can you plan on avoiding so you’re not stuck in a situation where you feel the pressure of ‘heat’?  Cross bearing for you may be more about honoring yourself enough to be wise.  It may also mean looking for a guy that is hot, fun, AND knows how to walk like His Savior (just a hint: that kind of guy just might be lurking behind a nerdy exterior).

Now, some of you are going with someone that you do, in fact, want to be romantically involved with.  God loves this and wants to be with you in this.  So, what might it look like, as a cross bearer, to communicate your feelings (verbally or other) in a way that respects the other?  Think creatively.  Ultimately, that’s what romance is anyway.

The dance of romance is complicated.  Our hope to avoid some of the situations I’ve mentioned is not intended to steal the mystery out of it.  Enjoy the fun of Homecoming.  Yet, maybe the heart of it is to protect the ‘fun’ part by keeping the ‘heat’ in check.  

Homecoming: I ordered my food, now what?

(I’m directing this to guys, but girls can use this one too)

So, she said yes.  You’re probably going to dinner some place.  What in the world do you talk about?  What if it goes silent?  This is a beautiful opportunity to learn an incredible skill.  It’s a skill that will win you friends (maybe even a girlfriend) and make you fun to be around, but will also give you a chance to really be helpful to people and be a better representative of your Savior.  It’s called Asking Questions.  

When Beth and I are driving over to someone’s house we often have this conversation: What should we ask them about?  We begin to process about what we’d like to learn about them, what kinds of things we’d like to talk about, or what shared interests to discuss.  Not only do we not have to worry about guessing while we’re there, but we also know that we’ll end up having meaningful conversations instead of just shooting the breeze about stupid stuff.  

So, before the big night, think about what you know about your date.  What is she interested in?  What does she do outside of school?  Make a mental plan to ask her about those things.  Just one thing can open up oodles of conversation to eat up the time between ordering your food and actually getting it.  

Example: she plays basketball.  What position do you usually play?  How did your team do last year?  Have you always liked basketball?  Are you going to try out this year?  Who’s the coach?  What do you like about it?  Who else is trying out?  Tell me your funniest basketball story.  Have you ever shot at the wrong basket? (I did :)  And so on.  Don’t ask them right after each other.  Hopefully, one or two questions and things will roll naturally.  And, hopefully…she’ll ask you questions too!

Homecoming-Tips for the Guys

I remember my first Homecoming dance in 1990.  It was a complete blast.  I had never been to a formal dance before.  Grade school dances were just plain stupid.  High school was a completely different story. 

For freshman year homecoming I went with a bunch of friends and, honestly, that was easy.  It was my sophomore year when it got complicated because, for the first time, I went with a date. 

Some of you are probably going with a date and, if you are an underclassman, that may be a pretty new thing for you.  So, in light of that, I wanted to throw a few ideas out to the guys in particular.

Ok, so first, accept that it will feel a bit (or a lot) awkward.  You may like the girl you’re taking, or you may not be sure.  Or she may like you, or you’re not sure, or she’s not sure.  Ugh!  Regardless, you’ve got a chance to practice being a gentleman.  That’s not an insignificant thing.  That is a GREAT thing.  There are a lot of men out there who are selfish jerks, and, unfortunately, they give the rest of us a bad name.  So, give men a good name and have fun treating a girl like gold.

Let’s start with practicals:  Look and smell nice.  How?  Here’s a few things: wear deodorant, brush your teeth reeeeally well, floss (seriously-bad breath is commonly from unflossed teeth), cut your nails, shave (even if you don’t have much to shave yet!), get a haircut, and my favorite: carry around Altoids.  You know those “curiously strong mints” that you can buy at Target.  Keep a few in your pocket.  Pop one just before you walk into her house.  Pop one after you are done with dinner.  Pop one before a slow dance. 

Oh, yeah, and if you can get a hold of some cologne, spray a little bit on your hands and put it on your neck. 

These details may seem so annoying since guys don’t usually think a whole lot about appearance etc., but girls are impressed when a guy does these things because they say to her: I am thinking about you. 

Ok, so, what the heck do you talk about?  Ask her lots of stuff.  In fact, think beforehand about what

to ask her about.  Want to treat a girl well?  Talk to her and learn about her.  I know we’re different, guys.  She just has to flick her hair and wear a cute dress and we have melted.  But her?  She wants a guy to be interested in her: her thoughts, her life, her interests, her feelings.  Now it’s just a dance.  It doesn’t need to be deep, but there are a million things you probably don’t know about your date that would be great fodder for conversation.

Now what if you have a date, but you go to dinner with friends.  Don’t ignore her.  Don’t just talk to your guy friends at dinner.  Still ask her questions.  Don’t interrogate her, but again, show that you’re thinking about her.

Now, the dance.  If you’re a typical American male, you haven’t done a whole lot of ‘fast’ dancing in your life.  The same was true of me when I was a freshman.  This isn’t sage wisdom here, but: try it.  You’ll feel like a dork, but just start moving your feet and don’t leave your hands completely at your side.  The easiest thing is to try to mimic the people around you. 

Slow dancing is much easier because you just have to rock.  The awkward thing is: how much space between you?  It depends on the nature of your relationship with your date.  If you’re not dating, don’t get too cozy.  On the other hand, don’t leave an entire ruler’s length between you.  It looks and feels weird.  It may feel strange to talk about this, but accept that a little bodily contact is not a big deal. 

Let’s be honest.  You’re touching a girl; it’s not something you do every day, unless you’re dating.  Needless to say, it will probably turn you on.  You’re not a pervert for feeling that.  You’re a man.  Still, it can make dancing feel a bit ‘intense.’  A way to chill yourself out a bit is to talk to your date.  Find something to laugh about.  Make fun of the couple across the floor that is dancing funny.  Whatever.  Either way you’ll get your mind somewhere else and, plus, it will be fun for you and your date.

What about your hands?  Again, depends on your relationship to your date.  Are you just friends, or interested, but still getting to know each other?  Hands on her back are the safest place.  It’s sweet, but not suggestive.  If you’ve been dating for a while, it may be okay to put your hands on her waist.  It’s obviously more intimate so, just be aware of what you’re doing. 

Should you kiss her at the end of the night?  Again, depends.  Here’s just my opinion: if you’re not dating, don’t.  Maybe you want her to know that you really do like her.  You don’t need to kiss her to let her know that.  Here’s a much easier, and, honestly a meaningful way, to let her know.  Say this, “Hey, I had a really good time tonight.  Thanks for going with me.”  She will melt like a slushy in the sunshine if you say that.  Then give her a hug.  And if you’re really brave, say, “Let’s hang out again sometime.”  Cue the fireworks.

Ok, I know my readers aren’t big on posting comments, but, if you’re a girl, it would be awesome to get any other recommendations here for our guy readers.  Thanks!

How to get a guy to listen to you

Ok, let's say you like a guy, but are having a hard time getting his attention.

Or, you like a guy and want to get him a little more into you.

Or, even outside of the "crush realm", maybe there's a guy in your life (dad, coach, brother, whatever) that you want to have meaningful talks with, but it doesn't seem to happen.

Try this.

Whenever you are trying to understand men, keep this picture in your head:

This is the very heart of every guy as Father designed him: He wants to be a girl's hero.  This motivates him in almost every area of life.

This explains why some guys show off, why some guys are really helpful, why guys act differently when girls are around, and even why some guys are jerks (keep in mind they don't always know what girls really want, so they often guess wrongly).

When I was a kid, my family would go on bike rides.  My family consisted of my brother and I, my dad, and my mom.  The guys tended to want to bike really fast, but my mom was slow.  I can still picture the day when my dad and brother took off, leaving my mom behind.  I decided to wait for her. My mom thanked me for waiting.  That puffed me up so much that I did that over and over when we went on rides.  I felt like I had rescued my mom!

Ok, so back to the point: how do you get a guy to listen to you?

Change your wording to show that you need his help.

Instead of just sharing something you saw, heard, or did, say something like, "I heard something at lunch today.  I'm curious of what you think about it."

or

"So, what do you think about...?"

or

Give him a scenario and ask, "What do you think I should do?"

Notice the repetition of 1. asking for his help and 2. the word "think".

Men don't just have opinions; they ARE their opinions.  What they think is at the core of who they are.

And they love to offer their opinions, especially when a girl thinks their opinions could help them.

If you can tap into a guy's thoughts, then, and make him believe you value it, then you have a good chance at winning a guy's heart.

And winning a guy's heart is what you want.  If it is a guy you like, he'll warm up to you because he's wired to help any damsel in distress.  If it is someone in your family, a friend, or someone you have to work with in group work, you'll create a devoted helper.

Guys, girls are different too!

I think men instinctively know that girls are much different from them.  In fact, I think they are more aware of this than girls are about how different guys are.

But while we know they're different, we guys are usually pretty stumped as to what the heck is going on inside girls' heads.

Let me focus on breaking the code on one specific difference.

Guys, when you've got something bothering you, what do you do?  You try to blow it off or blow off

some steam through sports or video games or music or whatever.  A lot of times you just forget about it.  But if it won't go away you have to go into your 'cave' to work it out until you've got a solution.

Girls do something completely different.  They want to talk.

Now, that may not seem that weird to you.  You may be a guy that wants to talk to someone about what's bothering you too.  You figure that's a good way to come to a solution.

Aye, there's the problem.  If a girl (girlfriend, friend, sister, or even mom) is sharing her problems with you, you may find something weird happening.  You'll be eager to offer her a way to fix the problem, or you'll have suggestions for dealing with it.  Heck, you, as a guy, are a fixer by nature.  You love to fix things!

But, what happens?  The girl never seems satisfied. Or she may even get more upset when you try to offer advice.  Sometimes it can even feel like she is blaming you when she shares her problems.

Here's the kicker: Girls, generally, need to talk...just to talk.  Talking for them is a little bit like you shooting things on a video game when you're angry.  It's soothing.

So, when a girl needs to talk, you must trust her: she just wants to talk.  And you'll need to turn off your fix-it approach.  If you keep dishing out advice it will make her feel like you don't care, which is exactly the opposite of what you're thinking, I know.

Honestly, here's the very best fix-it you can provide for her (you want to fix things for her, right?): Realize that listening and empathizing with her is the best medicine she needs.  Let her get it all out
and, guess what, you will be her hero (even though you'll feel like you did nothing).  You'll also probably notice how relieved and lightened she will be.

For both sexes, it's good to honor each other's differences and yet to accommodate them as well.  Somehow I think Father planned it this way.