Thanks giving

John 10:17-18 "No one takes [my life] from me, but I lay it down of my own accord."

"That Jesus would endure such hostility against himself with the full freedom to end it at any weak moment makes me appreciate the cross that much more.  As free choice got us into this bondage of sin, so Jesus' free choice would walk us out of it.  His example also reminds us that we are not victims either.  Even though disgusting things might be done to us by others, we still have the freedom to overcome evil by putting our trust in him.  He still redeems the darkest moments of life with the wonder of his grace."
-Wayne Jacobsen, He Loves Me

Happy Thanksgiving!

Dating INWARD

Love is not just the domain of chick flicks and cheesy pop songs.  Love is also the domain of the greatest literature and art in the history of mankind.  Even God, when trying to explain the intensity of the passion between the Messiah and His people, compared them to the passion between a bride and a groom.

This is because one of the most dangerous, exciting, and satisfying journeys of life is the adventure of finding and learning to love one person, and love them well.

One contemporary author who writes a great deal about love is Debra K. Fileta.  She is a regular relationship columnist for Relevant Magazine.  Read her article: Here's How to Find True Love


I'd like to get some dialogue running about Fileta's three concepts of dating inward, outward, and upward.

After reading about dating inward in her article, here are some questions I think that are worth exploring:

What in the world does it mean to "get to know yourself"?
Why is dating inward important to a relationship?

Is it Lust?

One of the challenges of life is that love is interwoven with sexual desire.  Desire, however, operates inside of each of us, regardless of whether we are in a romantic relationship or not.

So, what do you do with it?  One side of our world says to do whatever you want.  It doesn't really matter.  Then, for some of us who are Christ-followers, we have another community around us that has opinions about how to deal with our sexual desires.  In my experiences, that community often strives to give us lots of "NO's", but doesn't often speak to the reality of the intensity of our urges.

One author that, I believe, writes with more clarity than almost any other I have found is Brad Watson, a pastor, and an author of the book Is It Lust or Legalism.  He wrote an article in Charisma Magazine that gives a taste of what God taught him on this subject.  Check it out here:  Is It Lust or Legalism?

I'd like to get some dialogue running about Brad's article.


After reading Brad's article, here are some questions I think that are worth exploring:

Is this practical?
Is Watson giving too much freedom to our thoughts?
Is Watson's advice similar or different to what you've been taught elsewhere?
Do you think he's right?
Should we even care about this stuff?

Dating OUTWARD

Love is not just the domain of chick flicks and cheesy pop songs.  Love is also the domain of the greatest literature and art in the history of mankind.  Even God, when trying to explain the intensity of the passion between the Messiah and His people, compared them to the passion between a bride and a groom.

This is because one of the most dangerous, exciting, and satisfying journeys of life is the adventure of finding and learning to love one person, and love them well.

One contemporary author who writes a great deal about love is Debra K. Fileta.  She is a regular relationship columnist for Relevant Magazine.  Read her article: Here's How to Find True Love



I'd like to get some dialogue running about Fileta's three concepts of dating inward, outward, and upward.

After reading about dating outward in her article, here are some questions I think that are worth exploring:

Why is this so scary?
When is a good time to start?
How will dating outward look differently if you're a follower of Jesus?  What do you think Fileta means by saying, "It is a give-and-take that must never desperately give too much or fearfully give too little"?

Dating UPWARD

Love is not just the domain of chick flicks and cheesy pop songs.  Love is also the domain of the greatest literature and art in the history of mankind.  Even God, when trying to explain the intensity of the passion between the Messiah and His people, compared them to the passion between a bride and a groom.

This is because one of the most dangerous, exciting, and satisfying journeys of life is the adventure of finding and learning to love one person, and love them well.

One contemporary author who writes a great deal about love is Debra K. Fileta.  She is a regular relationship columnist for Relevant Magazine.  Read her article: Here's How to Find True Love



I'd like to get some dialogue running about Fileta's three concepts of dating inward, outward, and upward.

After reading about dating upward in her article, here are some questions I think that are worth exploring:

How does a normal teen actually do this?
What does it practically mean to allow God's "definition of love to permeate your relationships"?
How will dating look differently if God is involved?

What a Guy Needs

"Kids are in the mood, mom and dad are too, to sit down at a Friendly's for a meal that is good food. Burgers good to order, Friendly fries to eat, a famous Friendly sundae can be a good treat..."

I still remember reciting the entire wording of this Friendly's restaurant commercial in front of my mom and dad over 20 years ago (and I still remember it today!). My mom was so impressed that I could recall every word! This may seem so insignificant, but if you're a guy you can probably know why this was so momentous: we live off of admiration and appreciation like car lives off gasoline.

Every man wants to be impressive to someone else. They want to be a hero, a rescuer, a knight in shining armor. Whenever I need help carrying something heavy around the school for whatever reason, guys in a study hall leap to the opportunity. When a teacher has a computer issue, it is often a guy student who is eager to fix it.

This also explains a problem women sometimes have with guys. When girls have a problem and they
share it with a guy friend, a boyfriend, or even their dad, for example, she really just wants him to listen. However, she gets annoyed because he wants to fix the problem, instead of letting her get her feelings out. On one hand, yes, we men have to learn how to 'just listen.' Still, girls should also realize that trying to 'fix it' is a natural way for a guy to show love; he wants to be your hero.

A guy who doesn't receive much admiration and appreciation is going to go downhill. If he is constantly criticized or ignored, he will shrivel. He will look desperately for a place to find that admiration. That could be a positive place, or a negative one.

If you're a girl, is there a guy in your life who is annoying you, maybe a brother, maybe a boyfriend?

It may be that he feels he has nothing to offer you because he can't make you happy. Whether he realizes it or not, that's what he wants. He wants to be your hero somehow. Consider trying to find ways for him to help you (and actually tell him. Girls, men honestly can't just tell what you want without informing them). And then, praise the heck out of him. I may be wrong and it may flop. But I will take a guess that you may be surprised at how this could turn a little boy into a man (or just make him more pleasant to be around).

If you're a guy, recognize and affirm that God made you to be a hero. It's written into your core, so go be it and don't be ashamed. Look for the ways that He has made you unique, the ways that He has designed you to be a hero in the way only you can.

It may be shooting hoops, constructing a theatre set, helping with dishes, kicking butt on your homework, helping your sister with math, designing new worlds, fixing computers, helping out at church, dreaming of a cure for cancer, creating a fundraiser for a sick friend, cutting your grandparents' lawn, rooting your girlfriend on at her volleyball game, talking about your faith to your friends, leading a devotion before practice, and on and on. Whatever it may be, go be a knight, kill some dragons, and rescue a princess (even if she's just your sister).

P.S. I know I focused on guys wanting to receive admiration and appreciation from girls, but I think they also need it from men in their lives.  If you don't get it from dad, find it in someone else like a coach, teacher, relative, or friend's dad. 

Men Ain't Dumb

The older I get the more I realize just how different men are from women. My wife and I have done a

bit of relationship counseling for couples over the years and have seen how most people assume that their significant other is just like them.

Girls assume guys are just hairy girls.
Guys assume girls and just pretty men.

Basically, we are convinced that the opposite sex thinks about and sees the world, life, and relationships in the same way we do. But, it ain't so.

I've learned a lot about women, being married to one! However, while women take a lot to understand, it is men who are most often misunderstood in our culture. Most commercials or TV shows with a couple, for example, will portray the guy as a dope and the woman as the insightful genius.

Lots of educational philosophy has fought against male tendencies as well. Boys, some say, are too competitive, too insensitive, too physical. So, we should not have competitive games in class, some experts say. Also, we should give trophies to every member of the baseball team and so on so no one feels bad.

I'm reading a book right now by a woman who has dedicated her life and career to understanding

men, Alison Armstrong. I really feel like her insights are relevant to both guys and girls, single or dating. The insights are not just helpful for romantic relationships, but any interactions you have with other males in your life from family to bosses. Plus, I think guys need to learn about themselves because so much of our culture hates on us for being men, including, sometimes, our Christian culture.

When I was a teenager, I began walking with the Lord for the first time in my life. It was an incredible experience and I longed to live out my faith radically. You may have heard the phrase, "Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater." Well, so much of what I saw in men was so unlike how I wanted to live my faith, that I tossed it all. Some of that was good. But other parts were not, and it wasn't until my 30s when I went to counseling that I discovered parts of my masculinity that I needed to reclaim.

So, the next few posts will be insights from Armstrong's book and my experiences as well. I hope they help you see new ways to look at the men around you and that God was not being dumb when He made them.