Homecoming-Tips for the Guys

I remember my first Homecoming dance in 1990.  It was a complete blast.  I had never been to a formal dance before.  Grade school dances were just plain stupid.  High school was a completely different story. 

For freshman year homecoming I went with a bunch of friends and, honestly, that was easy.  It was my sophomore year when it got complicated because, for the first time, I went with a date. 

Some of you are probably going with a date and, if you are an underclassman, that may be a pretty new thing for you.  So, in light of that, I wanted to throw a few ideas out to the guys in particular.

Ok, so first, accept that it will feel a bit (or a lot) awkward.  You may like the girl you’re taking, or you may not be sure.  Or she may like you, or you’re not sure, or she’s not sure.  Ugh!  Regardless, you’ve got a chance to practice being a gentleman.  That’s not an insignificant thing.  That is a GREAT thing.  There are a lot of men out there who are selfish jerks, and, unfortunately, they give the rest of us a bad name.  So, give men a good name and have fun treating a girl like gold.

Let’s start with practicals:  Look and smell nice.  How?  Here’s a few things: wear deodorant, brush your teeth reeeeally well, floss (seriously-bad breath is commonly from unflossed teeth), cut your nails, shave (even if you don’t have much to shave yet!), get a haircut, and my favorite: carry around Altoids.  You know those “curiously strong mints” that you can buy at Target.  Keep a few in your pocket.  Pop one just before you walk into her house.  Pop one after you are done with dinner.  Pop one before a slow dance. 

Oh, yeah, and if you can get a hold of some cologne, spray a little bit on your hands and put it on your neck. 

These details may seem so annoying since guys don’t usually think a whole lot about appearance etc., but girls are impressed when a guy does these things because they say to her: I am thinking about you. 

Ok, so, what the heck do you talk about?  Ask her lots of stuff.  In fact, think beforehand about what

to ask her about.  Want to treat a girl well?  Talk to her and learn about her.  I know we’re different, guys.  She just has to flick her hair and wear a cute dress and we have melted.  But her?  She wants a guy to be interested in her: her thoughts, her life, her interests, her feelings.  Now it’s just a dance.  It doesn’t need to be deep, but there are a million things you probably don’t know about your date that would be great fodder for conversation.

Now what if you have a date, but you go to dinner with friends.  Don’t ignore her.  Don’t just talk to your guy friends at dinner.  Still ask her questions.  Don’t interrogate her, but again, show that you’re thinking about her.

Now, the dance.  If you’re a typical American male, you haven’t done a whole lot of ‘fast’ dancing in your life.  The same was true of me when I was a freshman.  This isn’t sage wisdom here, but: try it.  You’ll feel like a dork, but just start moving your feet and don’t leave your hands completely at your side.  The easiest thing is to try to mimic the people around you. 

Slow dancing is much easier because you just have to rock.  The awkward thing is: how much space between you?  It depends on the nature of your relationship with your date.  If you’re not dating, don’t get too cozy.  On the other hand, don’t leave an entire ruler’s length between you.  It looks and feels weird.  It may feel strange to talk about this, but accept that a little bodily contact is not a big deal. 

Let’s be honest.  You’re touching a girl; it’s not something you do every day, unless you’re dating.  Needless to say, it will probably turn you on.  You’re not a pervert for feeling that.  You’re a man.  Still, it can make dancing feel a bit ‘intense.’  A way to chill yourself out a bit is to talk to your date.  Find something to laugh about.  Make fun of the couple across the floor that is dancing funny.  Whatever.  Either way you’ll get your mind somewhere else and, plus, it will be fun for you and your date.

What about your hands?  Again, depends on your relationship to your date.  Are you just friends, or interested, but still getting to know each other?  Hands on her back are the safest place.  It’s sweet, but not suggestive.  If you’ve been dating for a while, it may be okay to put your hands on her waist.  It’s obviously more intimate so, just be aware of what you’re doing. 

Should you kiss her at the end of the night?  Again, depends.  Here’s just my opinion: if you’re not dating, don’t.  Maybe you want her to know that you really do like her.  You don’t need to kiss her to let her know that.  Here’s a much easier, and, honestly a meaningful way, to let her know.  Say this, “Hey, I had a really good time tonight.  Thanks for going with me.”  She will melt like a slushy in the sunshine if you say that.  Then give her a hug.  And if you’re really brave, say, “Let’s hang out again sometime.”  Cue the fireworks.

Ok, I know my readers aren’t big on posting comments, but, if you’re a girl, it would be awesome to get any other recommendations here for our guy readers.  Thanks!

How to get a guy to listen to you

Ok, let's say you like a guy, but are having a hard time getting his attention.

Or, you like a guy and want to get him a little more into you.

Or, even outside of the "crush realm", maybe there's a guy in your life (dad, coach, brother, whatever) that you want to have meaningful talks with, but it doesn't seem to happen.

Try this.

Whenever you are trying to understand men, keep this picture in your head:

This is the very heart of every guy as Father designed him: He wants to be a girl's hero.  This motivates him in almost every area of life.

This explains why some guys show off, why some guys are really helpful, why guys act differently when girls are around, and even why some guys are jerks (keep in mind they don't always know what girls really want, so they often guess wrongly).

When I was a kid, my family would go on bike rides.  My family consisted of my brother and I, my dad, and my mom.  The guys tended to want to bike really fast, but my mom was slow.  I can still picture the day when my dad and brother took off, leaving my mom behind.  I decided to wait for her. My mom thanked me for waiting.  That puffed me up so much that I did that over and over when we went on rides.  I felt like I had rescued my mom!

Ok, so back to the point: how do you get a guy to listen to you?

Change your wording to show that you need his help.

Instead of just sharing something you saw, heard, or did, say something like, "I heard something at lunch today.  I'm curious of what you think about it."

or

"So, what do you think about...?"

or

Give him a scenario and ask, "What do you think I should do?"

Notice the repetition of 1. asking for his help and 2. the word "think".

Men don't just have opinions; they ARE their opinions.  What they think is at the core of who they are.

And they love to offer their opinions, especially when a girl thinks their opinions could help them.

If you can tap into a guy's thoughts, then, and make him believe you value it, then you have a good chance at winning a guy's heart.

And winning a guy's heart is what you want.  If it is a guy you like, he'll warm up to you because he's wired to help any damsel in distress.  If it is someone in your family, a friend, or someone you have to work with in group work, you'll create a devoted helper.

Guys, girls are different too!

I think men instinctively know that girls are much different from them.  In fact, I think they are more aware of this than girls are about how different guys are.

But while we know they're different, we guys are usually pretty stumped as to what the heck is going on inside girls' heads.

Let me focus on breaking the code on one specific difference.

Guys, when you've got something bothering you, what do you do?  You try to blow it off or blow off

some steam through sports or video games or music or whatever.  A lot of times you just forget about it.  But if it won't go away you have to go into your 'cave' to work it out until you've got a solution.

Girls do something completely different.  They want to talk.

Now, that may not seem that weird to you.  You may be a guy that wants to talk to someone about what's bothering you too.  You figure that's a good way to come to a solution.

Aye, there's the problem.  If a girl (girlfriend, friend, sister, or even mom) is sharing her problems with you, you may find something weird happening.  You'll be eager to offer her a way to fix the problem, or you'll have suggestions for dealing with it.  Heck, you, as a guy, are a fixer by nature.  You love to fix things!

But, what happens?  The girl never seems satisfied. Or she may even get more upset when you try to offer advice.  Sometimes it can even feel like she is blaming you when she shares her problems.

Here's the kicker: Girls, generally, need to talk...just to talk.  Talking for them is a little bit like you shooting things on a video game when you're angry.  It's soothing.

So, when a girl needs to talk, you must trust her: she just wants to talk.  And you'll need to turn off your fix-it approach.  If you keep dishing out advice it will make her feel like you don't care, which is exactly the opposite of what you're thinking, I know.

Honestly, here's the very best fix-it you can provide for her (you want to fix things for her, right?): Realize that listening and empathizing with her is the best medicine she needs.  Let her get it all out
and, guess what, you will be her hero (even though you'll feel like you did nothing).  You'll also probably notice how relieved and lightened she will be.

For both sexes, it's good to honor each other's differences and yet to accommodate them as well.  Somehow I think Father planned it this way.

Girls, guys are different!

Guys and girls are different.

You're probably thinking: duh.

This just means you haven't gone to college yet.

See in college they will work hard to convince you, like my college philosophy professor did, that there are no differences between men and women besides physical ones. 

However, common sense tells us reality in this case.  Here is a great example.

Girls, have you ever noticed how, when you have things on your mind, you really want to talk about it, get it out, journal, talk to a friend, or any other means of communication? 

Have you noticed, though, that the men in your life, whether a dad, brother, friend, or boyfriend, tends to 'go away' when he is upset? 

Guys are problem solvers by nature.  They are always solving things.  In fact, they'd love to solve your problem too if you let them! 

So, when a guy has a problem, he wants to solve it, and he wants to solve it so much that he will put

 all of his effort and focus into it.  This is why it will seem like he's ignoring you or blowing off what you need.  Unlike you, he can't focus on a lot of things at once.

So he goes into his 'cave.'  That looks different for each guy, but somehow he zeroes in on his issue.  He may prefer being alone more, or being quiet, or doing lots of thinking.  It may seem like he is saying he doesn't care about you.  But don't believe that!  This is what he must do to deal with his problem.  It won't last forever either.  Give him his space and respect his need to detach for a time and he will come out of his cave, grateful.

Also, because a guy wants to solve his problem himself, don't give him advice unless he asks.  He may very well ask, but he needs to feel free to do so without feeling like you'll tell him anyway.

When he is worn out in his solving, he will need to recharge by "doing stuff" like video games, or sports, playing guitar, or watching TV.  He needs that. 

So, as a girl, it can be difficult to relate to someone going away when they have problems, because it is the opposite of what you would do, but you will win the trust of the men who love you if you express confidence in their ability to solve their problems in their 'cave.' 

The great news is that, if a guy learns to trust you, he will also be able to learn to bring you into his struggles and share with you as well. 

Overwhelmed!!!

When I was newly married and without kids my wife and I had our first 'fights.'  Honestly, we're not fighters in the sense people think.  We don't yell or say mean things, but we have, at times gotten silent, serious, and had difficult talks. 

It was a couple years into our marriage that we began having conflicts over how busy we were.  It continues to be a challenge for us, but we've come a long way in trying to help each other in this area. 

But I think you teens and young adults sometimes have it just as bad.  I once thought that busyness was just an adult problem, but you guys live in an era where packed schedules are more common than ever before in young lives.  You have sports practice, play practice, book club, traveling soccer, JO Volleyball, dance class, homework, family functions, friends, chores, part-time jobs, church, youth group, and the list goes on. 

I found a great article from The Plain Dealer's sports writer Terry Pluto that related to the subject.  He is a Jesus-follower and writes also about faith and daily life.  The following is one of his articles that, while intended for adults, I think would also encourage you to meet Father in the midst of a busy life.

Feeling Overwhelmed...by Terry Pluto

I was talking to a man named David who is one of the leaders of his church men's group.
We touched on the various subjects that men deal with, then he mentioned time.

"I just feel like there are never enough hours in the day," he said. "Then I look at the day, and I realize I hardly spent any time with God."

He said it in a weary voice.

I know the feeling.

At the end of so many days, I feel exhausted. And I also wonder what exactly did I accomplish?

This subject doesn't only apply to men. I know many women who are similarly overwhelmed.
Jobs. Kids. Grandkids. Elderly parents. Volunteering.

HELP!!!

Many years ago, I remember a pastor talking about how Jesus "always had time for everyone." He was talking about how Jesus reached out to the poor, the lepers, the blind, the woman caught in adultery.

He did all those things.

But the fact is Jesus did not always have time for everyone.

Consider this from the book of Mark 6:31: "Then, because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, (Jesus) said to the disciples: 'Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.' "

What I hate to admit is how much time I waste. I will be working on a story, scanning the web for information on the Browns quarterbacks -- and the next thing I know, I'm reading about author James Lee Burke. Nothing wrong with reading about Burke, but it was not helping me finish my work.

After leaving Burke and returning to the dreaded quarterbacks story, I was thinking, "Why is it taking me so long to write this story?"

 

The answer was obvious and humbling: I was distracting myself.

At the end of so many days, I feel exhausted. And I also wonder what exactly did I accomplish?

But usually, our time is chewed up by commitments. And we sacrifice rest, prayer, peace and quiet.

Do we have to answer every text, every email, every call -- right away?

Psalm 31:14-15: "I trust in you Lord... 'You are my God.' My times are in your hands."

On one level, many of us would agree with that point. No one lives forever. Tomorrow is promised to none of us.

But I do know that when I don't spend time with God, when I don't just stop and take time to think -- I can become very grumpy and make some very poor decisions.

A life-changing quote for me came from author Stephen Covey (The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People), "Whenever we say yes to something, we say no to something else."

 Sometimes, we have to say NO to a good thing for something that is BETTER. In the case of Jesus, it was to pray and relax by Himself.

Consider Luke 5:15-16: "Yet the news about him spread all the more so that crowds of people came to hear him and to be healed of their sicknesses. But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed."

Jesus didn't please everyone. He did NOT meet everyone's needs.

For many us, the problem is that we want to be liked. We don't want to disappoint someone. So we over-schedule. We get tired. Then we become resentful: "Why did I ever agree to do this?"

Here are a few thoughts:

1. We don't have to serve on every committee and in every ministry. PICK ONE and do it RIGHT.

2. Every child doesn't have to play on every traveling team. Every child doesn't need to take part in every activity that appeals to her. Sit down and make the child pick what makes sense for both of you. We don't work for our children.

3. If you want to have a Godly home, consider making that clear to your kids. Suppose your daughter wants  to spend so much on a prom, that you need to take out a home equity loan. Or your son wants to go to a sports camp that costs more than what the Indians pay Nick Swisher. Ask yourself what God would think of that type of investment. Tell them of financial sacrifices that you have made, settling for less than all of what you wanted – and you did it because that's God's way.

4. The fact is that some of these things won't make you liked, but it will lead people to respect you.

A final point about time management. Consider James 1:5: "If any of you lack wisdom, you should ask God who gives generously to all without finding fault and it will be given to him."

How often do we pray over our schedules? Jesus did it when he "slipped away to pray." There are times when we need to do the same.

Here's the link to the article: http://www.cleveland.com/pluto/index.ssf/2014/08/terry_plutos_faith_you_feeling.html

Dennis Prager and Happiness

Here is a great talk from nationally syndicated talk show host Dennis Prager to a high school on how to actually be happy.

Is God a sucky Dad?

Let's rocket ahead seven years in my life.
My oldest daughter will be 16.
Here are three snapshots of our conversations:

"Hey, Dad.  My friends are going to Cedar Point on Saturday and wonder if I can go.  Jamie is going to go too, and I always feel a little weird around her.  She always does stupid stuff that gets me in trouble and so, I'm not sure if I should go.  Should I?"
"Yes."

"Hey, Dad.  I finished all my driver's ed. courses and I'm ready to take the test to get my license.  I'm soooo excited!  Can we pick a time to do it?"
"Later."

"Hi, Dad.  I really like this guy at school.  His name is Steven.  He asked me to go with him to this concert on Friday.  I'm reeeeally nervous.  I've never been on a real 'date' before.  I don't know what to expect or how to be.  What do you think?  Do you remember your first date?  And, I guess I should ask, can I go?"
"No."

Don't I seem like a sucky dad?  Clearly my daughter is letting me into her life and hoping for conversation, for interaction, for "just talking."  Of course, she needs an answer too, but that's not the only thing she's after.  She's after: relationship.

And, yet, this is how we talk about God isn't it?  We ask Him stuff and He just says either, Yes, No, or Later.  You might as well get yourself one of those 8 ball things you shake to get an answer. 

If this is all God has to offer, I'd say He's a pretty sucky dad.

But, I don't think He sucks.  Jesus said that eternal life is not just heaven.  He said it is "to know God" (John 17:3).  The Bible uses the word "know" to also talk about the intimacy between a husband and wife.  I'm not trying to be weird, but the comparison is important.  The greatest meaning in life comes from an open, honest, fun, relatable, deep "knowing" between yourself and your Father. 

So, don't settle for Yes, No, or Later.  There's so much more.

P.S. Mr Waugh's chapel that talked about Yes, No, or Later is honestly a helpful starting point so this isn't a dis on what he said!  I just wanted to take the conversation farther.