Myth #4: how I look affects how I feel about myself

This is one of those, “not entirely a myth” myths.  People do say “it doesn’t matter what you look like.”  Yes and no.  As mentioned in previous posts, it does matter… in certain areas of life.  One particular area is in romantic relationships.  It does matter.  Guys are wired that way.  However, life is not only about romantic relationships.  Therefore, our self-esteem need not be based on one area of life. 

It is good to feel good about the way you look.  My wife feels better about herself when she is eating well and exercising.  It feels good to her to look fit and attractive to me.  Yet, she would be the first to admit that there are parts of her body that she wishes were different. 

 
But here’s the difference: my wife’s ‘center’ is not how she looks.  Her ‘center’ is also not based on if others find her attractive.  Her ‘center’ is: God intimately, personally, passionately loves me.  No one will ever have the perfect image, or anything for that matter.  As Psalm 62 says, let your soul find rest in God alone.  He is your rock and your fortress and you will never be shaken.  Once you have that peace, you can enter into making yourself look good (in a way that fits you) without worrying about it defining your self-worth.

Happy Birthday

Here's a quote that I find to hold incredible meaning especially as I have another birthday:

"If I were called upon to state in a few words the essence of everything I was trying to say  both as a novelist and as a preacher, it would be something like this: Listen to your life.  See it for the fathomless mystery that it is.  In the boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the last analysis all moments are key moments and life itself is grace."
Frederick Buechner (Writer, novelist, and minister)

Myth #3: Some girls are beautiful and some aren’t

There are many kinds of girls and there are many kinds of guys.  Guys vary in what they find attractive.  Some guys like a more relaxed style, natural girl, some like sharp dressing girls with makeup.  So, be you.  But you can do a lot, no matter what your size or shape.  There are very attractive heavier girls and there are some unattractive thin ones.  It’s irrelevant really.  In fact, I know of a woman who is at least in her 50s that looks better than a lot of girls in their 20s.  She works at it.  She makes her hair cute and she dresses in a way that reflects her femininity with style and dignity (and no, she doesn’t look like she’s trying too hard). 

Have you ever seen that home makeover show?  You can change the appearance of something with just a bit of care and by trying out a little bit of style.  When we moved to Berea we bought this ugly, brown, 1950s ranch house (BTW, the house in the pic is not ours).  But, my wife brought her sense of style to it in lots of little ways and we love our house now!  The same is true for any person’s appearance (girl or guy, for that matter).

A Few Words to Girls-Image and Myth #2

This is the other side of the coin: Guys are wired visually.  They are attracted to girls’ forms.  It is very difficult for girls to relate to this because, generally speaking, they aren’t AS attracted to purely physical things.  Of course, a good looking guy is great, but most girls are into “specific” guys.  Few girls like staring at men’s legs.  It’s almost funny to think about.  But the opposite is absolutely true. 

So, what you wear does make an impact on the guys around you.  Something that might, to you, seem cute or trendy, might very well be a turn on to some guys.  Is that bad?  No.  It just is reality.  There was a time when guys were attracted to a “well-turned ankle” because that was the only part of a woman’s body that was exposed in public.  I think it is just good for girls to be aware of what typical male nature is like.  They like the female form and more skin or curves will be noticed by them. 

So, what should you do about it?  Well, first of all, accept that you are a young woman.  God made you feminine.  Some girls get afraid of guys’ attractions so much that they hide their femininity.  You don’t need to do this.  There’s nothing shameful about expressing your femininity.  On the other hand, you are not required to show it off in ways that make you uncomfortable.  Don’t let fashion tell you what to do. 

Is it okay to show off your femininity?  Yes, but be aware of what you’re doing.  There are times and places to make yourself more noticeable.  You may want to attract someone.  But be aware that you will get more attention, even from those you might not want it from.  Again, I’m not making judgments here.  It’s just good to understand the reality of how guys are. 

Again, you are not responsible for guys’ reactions, no matter how attractive you dress.  They can control themselves.  Yet, do be aware that guys are what they are. 

A Few Words to Girls-Image and Myth #1

Right now I’m reading the prequel to The Prisoner of Zenda.  It’s called The Heart of Princess Osra.  I’m only on chapter 5, but basically up to this point every chapter follows the life of a different man who falls in love with Princess Osra.  Every one of them either must leave the country or die because her beauty has driven them mad with love.  In one case a man, who has disguised himself as a soldier to get close to her, ultimately decides to kill the princess so that honest men will no longer suffer because of her beauty.  He, of course can’t do it, but instead dies to protect the Princess.  After this Osra asks the King to make her a nun so “that she might trouble honest men no more.”

This is an entertaining story to read, but is a pack of lies for girls.  Let me address five myths:

Myth #1: Men can’t control themselves.

Bull.  There are men who don’t control themselves, but that’s true of anyone, right?  What you wear, or how you look, doesn’t make a guy do anything.  In the Christian world we talk about girls causing guys “to stumble” by wearing clothing that might cause them to lust.  Girls don’t cause this.  This is important because lots of girls feel ashamed of themselves when they have been violated (physically or verbally or by text etc.) by a guy.  There is part of them that feels like they caused it or “asked” for it.  I’d like to drive 100mph on the highway because it would be a thrill, but I choose not to do it.  But, if I did, and got a ticket, I can’t say “movies with chase scenes” made me do it.  If a guy blamed you for a violation of his, he is lying. 

In the next post I'll address the next myth: It doesn’t matter what I wear or how I look.

A Few Words to Guys--Image

I want to wrap up the image series with two posts.  One to guys and one to girls.  Let me start with the guys.  We are, by nature, by God for that matter, visually wired.  We are turned on, attracted to, ‘wowed’ by the female form.  As a man who wants to be true to reality, we need to validate that this is who we are and how we are made.  Don’t beat yourself up over it. 

Here comes the call to higher things, though.  We want to (most men at least, and as a believer, I think we’re ‘called’ to) be honorable.  To do this, we have to control our nature. 

I’ve used this verse before and I’ll use it again because I think it’s quite insightful.  Paul wrote to the young men in Thessalonica, “Learn to find a wife in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen” (1 Thessalonians 4:3-5).  He was challenging them to practice control.  He was not saying, ‘don’t have desires.’  He was saying “Learn” to control them as you interact with the opposite sex.

How do you do this?  One primary way is to recognize that the girls you interact with are people.  Yes, they may be crazy attractive to you, but there is a person in there.  If your heart is right, that should help you respect them as a fellow traveler in this thing called life.  It doesn’t necessarily take away their attractions from you, but it should help you treat them as fully human.  This is why long-term relationships like marriage are really good for a man.  He has to learn to share life with a woman and interact with her on all levels, not only romantically.

Next, you will look, but don’t look in an icky way.  This is hard to define.  But basically, you don’t want (if you’re honorable, and respect girls) to make girls feel uncomfortable.  Staring at them, especially when you know they know, borders on ‘icky.’ 

Be careful with your attentions.  Guys, girls (mostly) are attracted via relationships.  When you start giving attention to a girl it may give her a signal that you like her.  You may be thinking “I’m like that with a lot of girls.”  Maybe, but you have to be aware of what effect that might have.  If you do like a girl, then give her your attentions.  She is attracted to people, not visuals, so talk to her, laugh with her, give her attention.  Either way, just like girls sometimes aren’t aware of how their dress or flirting affects guys, guys often don’t realize how their attentions affect girls.

However, when you do like someone, don’t go sexual with your attentions.  Don’t comment on her body, or make suggestions about what she likes to do with guys, or say what you ‘d like to see, or ask for certain types of pics you’d like to see of her.  I’m often amazed that guys actually do this kind of stuff.  I’ve got to believe that men think girls like this.  I think they believe that this is a way to show you find them hott.  Guys, get this: girls don’t perceive themselves as sexual as you do.  I know it’s hard to believe.  And no, their clothes aren’t ‘asking for it.’  That fitting skirt to you may be a turn on, but to her it’s ‘cute.’ It’s not an invitation.    

Let me say this again: It’s not okay to speak sexually to a girl.  To put a fancy term on it, it’s called sexual harassment.  As guys, our sex drive is connected to our love drive, but, as respectable men, and especially as Jesus-following men, we have to control that drive.  Do you want to romance a girl?  This is the most romantic thing you can do: get to know her.  Talk to her, ask her questions, find out what she likes and cares about, share experiences like going to an amusement park together or putt putt golfing, take her out to dinner and pay for it, compliment her (not just her looks!), write her sweet notes.  Now don’t overwhelm her; you have to keep things at the right pace, of course.   

There will come a time when you can share your whole self, including your sexual side, with another person.  It is the incredible pleasure called marriage.  It’s amazing to be fully open with someone in a way no other relationship is.  Between now and then, love your nature, but manage it in a way that is “holy and honorable.”  Look to romance someone when that time comes.  Romance does have sexual tones to it, but it’s different than “passionate lust.”  Romance in dating says, “I want to know you and be close to you, but I will honor you by not being too close.”  Not an easy task, but it is one with daily will power and Holy Spirit help that can be done. 

Frisbee!!!

Hey, guys,
Here's that old high school movie I was in back in 1993.  Watch for me as the "Thug" toward the end.